


The Angel Heaven Sent

by robertstanion



Series: Something You Pine For [2]
Category: Black Friday - Team StarKid, The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, Anyways, Black Friday Spoilers, DadNamara, Death, F/F, F/M, Fluff, I am visibly upset, M/M, Paul and John are babies, SYPF, Something You Pine For but worse, Swearing, TWs at the start of each chapter, The tags will continue to be added throughout the book!, Vomit, context from the musical, didn't think so, go read SYPF before this one, it's either really fluffy or REALLY angsty, it's the middle of the goddamn musical apocalypse, john has a really important part, kisses oml, mental breakdowns?? yeah they're here, need to cry?? book for you part two, no inbetween, some chapters will NOT make sense otherwise, yes all the chapters are song lyrics, you expect the titles to be normal?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2020-03-30
Packaged: 2021-01-25 18:56:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 36
Words: 100,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21361063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robertstanion/pseuds/robertstanion
Summary: 4 Letters, 4 Couples, 4 Chances, 4 Characters. And They Constantly Find Themselves Asking, "What If Tomorrow Comes?"-The Angel Heaven Sent is the book following on from the events of Something You Pine For. If you've read SYPF you will realise how upsetting it is. There will be death. There will be gore. There will be tears.
Relationships: Ethan Green/Lex Foster, John McNamara/Xander Lee, Paul Matthews/Emma Perkins, Tom Houston/Becky Barnes
Series: Something You Pine For [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1539838
Comments: 22
Kudos: 35





	1. When Your Friday's Black

**Author's Note:**

  * For [the SYPF chat](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=the+SYPF+chat).

> I'm incredibly excited to write this book. As you know from SYPF, Something You Pine for is my child. So, with that being said,  
TAHS (The Angel Heaven Sent)  
November 8th - March 31st 2020

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Beginning, Paul And Emma return.

A young man, around 32, lay dead at his own wedding, Emma sobbing over his dead body, John holding on to his wife. They couldn’t see him, but he was there. He was watching, He watched John closely. He knew his plans. The black had told him. The black had told him everything he’d ever needed to know. All the universe’s secrets and why it hated him so much. But it wasn’t his fault. He was just unlucky. A deep breath rose from the blonde. “SCHAFFER NOW!” He shouted as the ducked out he way. The illuminating flash burst and everyone fell to the ground, dropping dead like flies. Paul was thrown to the floor as the room started shaking violently. McNamara didn’t appear to be affected by the flash. “See you on the other side, son.” McNamara said, looking directly towards Paul before saluting and falling.

_Welcome to the black. Enjoy your stay._

* * *

A young man, around 30, woke up in a hospital bed in Hatchetfield. The light was blinding and his head was pounding. Everything was unfamiliar, but there was the nagging feeling he’d been there before. Paul Matthews looked around the room. Everything seemed too similar. He had to have been here before but he’d never been to the hospital in Hatchetfield in his life, A nurse walked in, a friendly smile drawn on her face. “Good morning, Mr Matthews. It appears you woke up!” Her voice heightened with excitement. “My name is Nurse Becky Barnes, I usually specialise with the children bought in here, but I thought I’d allow myself to check up on you and Miss Perkins-“

“Emma’s here?!” he asked, his eyes wide with anticipation. He saw Becky flick her wrist to the left of him. He turned his head and saw the brunette sleeping in a bed a few metres away from him. He went to move. But found himself unable to do so. Becky frowned.

“Sorry, Mr Matthews, you need to take it easy. You had a pretty nasty fall.” A twang of pain immediately spread across his forehead. He gingerly touched it.

_Flash. The blue. Bang. The grenade. Jane. Emma._

He reopened his eyes. What was that? Why was there a grenade involved and why did he hold it? Why was he singing like he was in a musical? Why? As he began to attempt to answer his internal question, sharp coughing came from the left. His head turned to see Emma awake. A blush spread on his face. What were they? He shut his eyes again, hoping this was some sort of dream.

_Flash. The blue. Bang. The shot that sent the helicopter hurtling. Everything has changed. They were on the floor, his tie in her hand, his face being pulled towards hers and they were going to kiss._

“Paul?” Emma’s voice was soft, scared, fragile. “Paul Matthews? Is that you?”

“Yes, it’s me.” Emma’s eyes drifted to the redhead in the room.

“Barnes, you can leave now.” Becky nodded politely and left. Neither of them dared to speak to each other, frightened to make a first move. “You’re really Paul Matthews?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“The one who tried to kill me?”

“I don’t think I was in control of my own body if I’m being entirely honest, I can’t remember.”

“What the fuck is going on?!” She asked, almost pleading for an answer. An answer neither of them had. They remained in silence as they began to sift through their thoughts, trying to piece together everything they could. Nothing made sense. It was like a jigsaw puzzle with the entire middle missing. Nothing would fit. There was no answer. They didn’t speak to one another. They kept quiet, trying to figure this out. They both zoned out, trying to figure out what the hell had happened and what was going on now. And neither of them realised there was another figure in the room.

“I believe this is the quietest I’ve ever seen you two.” The two looked up. The guy was shutting the door. He was wearing…black? Navy? It was hard to tell in the light. “Confused? Allow me to explain.” As he turned around, another memory pierced the pair’s mind.

_Flash. The light. Bang. Paul hit the floor. Son. John McNamara hurtling towards him from the other side of the hall._

Paul looked up. Blue eyes. Blue eyes with the homely sense of familiarity contained within them. Blonde hair. Blonde hair tied into a bun under the beret of the compulsory uniform. Black. Black uniform plastered against his body, tight fitting, under the bullet proof vest. Smoke. The smell of smoke in the air. This was him. Paul coughed upon the smoke filling his lungs. “Oh my God…” Paul’s eyes glinted with hope, laughing gently. He held his hand out for it John. The blonde strode across the room, taking Paul’s hand. The grip was still as firm as ever. Three shakes and Paul was dragged back to reality without a choice. “Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay wait…” He said as he looked to John. “What the hell happened? Didn’t I-“

“Die?” John raised his eyebrow momentarily before they dropped and returned to his natural expression. “Technically you didn’t, your body did. Your body stopped fighting the infection on the day of yours and Emma’s wedding.” Paul flushed bright red.

“No! No that’s impossible!” Emma laughed. “I only met Paul _yesterday! _We couldn’t be married.” John shook his head.

“It’s not impossible at all, dear.” He said. “Firstly, I should have made it clear you got married in a past dimension where something called the apotheosis was intact. It’s complicated to explain, but essentially what happens is a spore overtakes your body and turns you in to a musical singing zombie.”

“And that’s how Paul died?”

“Correct, ma’am.” This seemed to amuse Emma.

“So _The Guy Who Doesn’t Like Musicals _died at the hands of a musical?”

“Correct, ma’am.” Emma laughed harder.

“That’s a new low even for me.” Paul’s face was full of amazement, only causing Emma’s laugh to increase. “But that’s not the point. I remember some points really well, but not everything, and Emma appears to remember pretty much next to nothing. What happened to us?”

“You had a kid.” John said flat. It was Emma’s turn to be amazed.

“I had a kid…with Paul?”

“Correct, ma’am.”

“God, you’re like a robot!”

“You would not believe it.” John sighed before turning back to the pair, his blue eyes focused on the mission. “She was one when Paul died. Then, what we did, was set off a hydrogen bomb that destroyed that dimension, and here we are.” Paul tilted his head slightly.

“It makes sense how we can only remember parts then.” John nodded.

“I’ll leave you two alone. You’ll be discharged later today.” John saluted. “Godspeed.” Emma and Paul mimicked the movement. So again, they were left with nobody else in the room except them.

“Well, we’re being discharged today. See you, Paul. Have a nice life knowing whatever the fuck you know about what we did in the past because I still can’t remember shit.”

“Well, when I went to blow up the meteor-“

“There was a meteor involved?”

“I think so? Anyways I went to blow it up and you stopped me and said you’d like to see a silent movie with me when it was over and I was wondering whether it was still true.”

“Did I now?”

“Yes. That is exactly what you said.” Emma tried to sit up, wincing as she did so. Her face went blank for just a few seconds.

_Flash. Him. Bang. Blue. What Have I Done? Jane…_

“Holy shit…” She said, gasping.

“Is everything okay over there?”

“_You’re _Paul Matthews!”

“Uh…yeah we already established that.”

“No! Not my point! We were _married!”_

“You remember?”

“Some of it! I…the car crash.”

“Your sister?”

“Jane and my brother-in-law. It was blue and it was visual and I _told you about it in my professor’s basement!”_

“You did.” Paul smiled. They were finally getting somewhere important.

“So what do we do?”

“When we’re discharged, wanna go see a silent movie?”

“Yes, Paul. I’d like that a lot.”

* * *

“Paul?”

“Hmm?” Paul turned to face the smaller brunette, just about to step inside his own house.

“Can I stay with you tonight? It’s just…I remembered more about our past selves during the date and I don’t know it feels weird to not have you with me.” She lowered her head and looked at the floor. He smiled.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay!”

“Okay!” Paul said and took Emma inside. “Would you like coffee, Em?” He asked as he took his coat off. She shook her head. “Well, do you want anything?” He asked again. Yes, she wanted something, something that couldn’t be bought. “Em?”

“Hmm?”

“You zoned out.” She waved a dismissive hand.

“Sorry, Paul.”

“Don’t be.” He grabbed his own mug, set it on the table, and sat beside her. She avoided his eyes, and instead decided to look at her own fidgeting hands she couldn’t seem to keep still. “Something wrong?”

“Can I go on another date with you?”

He nodded as he continued to admire her beauty. “Sure. When do you want to?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Paul?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Uh….” He wasn’t expecting that question tonight. Realistically, they’d only known each other properly for the past 24 hours, but they were married in a past dimension. “Yes.”

_Flash._

The blue of his eyes staring into hers.

_Bang._

His tie in her hand.

_Change._

Their lips met together. He held the back of her head, her hands clinging on to his back. It all felt okay. Neither wanted to pull away first, but all good things must come to an end. Paul slowly pulled away. She looked at him, beaming. “Wow.” They said in sync, earning nervous giggles from the two of them.

“Do you want to move up or…”

“Can we…kiss again?” She asked. Paul nodded and pulled her back into another kiss. They moved closer to each other, Emma’s leg lifting above Paul’s hip. He let go of her to remove his jacket, dropping it on the floor.

“Come on let’s move upstairs-“

“No.” Emma pushed Paul so he was lying on the couch before sitting on top of him. She noticed how astounded he looked, so he pressed a finger to his lips. “It’s okay.” Paul nodded eagerly and their lips met once again.

They ended up in Paul’s bedroom like he wanted. She was wearing nothing but her skin and he was in just his underwear. The best part was they were content, Paul was sleeping, Emma was awake. A smile formed on her face. She was in bed with the guy she’d admired from Beanies since she returned to Hatchetfield last Christmas. It was a dark time in her life. After Jane passed, she was left with nobody. She hadn’t met her brother-in-law or her nephew. Anxiety filled her as she saw her sister in the coffin. Emma wasn’t the type to cry. She made that clear from the very start. She had the ability to lock everything away and she used that power well. As soon as she saw Jane dead in that coffin, tears bloomed from the corners of her eyes. She covered her mouth as a sob escaped. She turned, ran, and never went back.

And even then she didn’t meet the remains of her family.

She got a job at Beanies to help pay off her college funds to make her sister proud. And that’s when she first met him. He wasn’t just anybody. From the moment he walked through the door in that ridiculous Christmas sweater, she could already tell he was different. He didn’t walk in alone. He came in a group. The first man was shorter than Christmas Jumper and was wearing aa workplace uniform while complaining to a girl in a pink cardi about some girl named “deb” and about how the girl could “do better.” Emma assumed that was his daughter. The next was a man with thick rimmed glasses wearing a floral printed tie and had blonde hair that he chose to wore down. The final was an auburn haired lady wearing a baby blue cat sweater. But he was in a Christmas sweater and tan fucking jeans. They made brief eye contact. She’d never experienced love before, but after seeing him, she realised what it was. After all the one time things, she found her first true love. The teen in pink nudged Christmas Sweater and he walked up to the counter. He asked someone named ‘Mr Davidson’ what he wanted. He ordered a complicated order. But Christmas Sweater ordered black coffee.

He always ordered black coffee.

On the 27th of July 2018, she found out his name. It was Paul. She was yet to find out his surname, but Paul weirdly suited him. Suited him like the suit he wore nearly every time he came into Beanies. After exchanging first names, they went their separate ways.

* * *

She remembered what felt like a blast of ice on the back of her neck and an illuminating flash following the ice, but after that, it was **Black. **She awoke in a hospital bed a few metres away from Paul, and now, lying in the same bed as he was, she found what happiness was. She didn’t want to wake him up so instead she rolled to face him. She’d never noticed how fluffy his hair was before. It was really fluffy. He rolled over as well and his eyes fluttered open. “Emma?”

“Hi, Paul.”

“You’re naked?”

“Yep.”

“We-“

“Yep.”

“Oh…”

“Are you disappointed?”

“Oh! No! No no no of course not I just-I just didn’t expect it to happen-“

“We weren’t drunk.”

“Oh thank God.” Paul sighed.

Wow. His eyes were really blue.

“So…uh…Emma…are you…”

“I don’t want to put a label on us. I hate labels. Just say we’re intimate and move on.”

* * *

_-4 months later-_

“Turn it off, Emma.” Emma laughed.

“Don’t say it.”

“The musical jingle is getting on my nerves.”

“You don’t like musicals, Paul, I get it, I don’t care.”

“You’re such a downfall.” Paul folded his arms.

“You tell me every other day, Pauls.”

“Underestimation but sure.” He sighed again. He did that a lot. Sighed. “And you said you never met your brother-in-law?”

“Positive. I didn’t meet him at my sister’s funeral either. I just ran and went home.”

“I know, hun. It’s not easy.”

“No shit. Look. Just don’t upset Tim. He’s nine.” Paul nodded and they got out the car. They walked up to the front door where Tom was waiting.

“You’re late.”

“It’s half 6.” Emma shook her head and stepped inside. Paul smiled politely, but Tom didn’t return the favour. Still, Paul followed his girlfriend without a label’s footsteps and found her with a kid, presumably Tim.

“Who are you?” He asked.

“Oh, I’m Emma’s…boyfriend.”

“We haven’t put a label on it.”

“But we are intimate!” He grinned as his phone buzzed.

* * *

_Mr Paul Matthews,_

_To whom it may concern, there have been an increase of paranormal levels in and around Hatchetfield. I, General John McNamara, request your assistance. Reply to this text as soon as you are able to with an answer. If you reply yes, I expect you at PEIP Hatchetfield at 9AM today. If you say no, we will find an alternative. Me and Colonel Schaffer chose you due to our past dimension’s self and interactions with you. You were an honourary PEIP agent, son. So? What do you say?_

_General John McNamara._

_P.S. you and Miss Perkins used to call me Gennie._

Paul shook his head.

_Firstly, sir, you don’t need to sign texts, it’s not an email._

_Secondly, I accept._

* * *

And all he could think of was _here we go a motherfucking gain._


	2. Join The Fight, Try Your Might

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone's fave characters from Book 1 make a return featuring Lex Foster and Ethan Green

The time was 6 AM and an alarm was ringing somewhere else in Hatchetfield. A teenaged girl slammed her hand down to stop it. Her brunette hair was tangled and sticking to her face. She grumbled as she heard the heavy footsteps of her mother climbing up the stairs. God, how much she hated that woman. She was late again, but at this point she didn’t care. She’d suffered enough shit off her mother to realise it wasn’t worth fighting against. The only exception was if she started on Hannah. She would never let Hannah get hurt. Her mom was the biggest bitch she’d ever met, and when she was drunk it was worse. They rarely spent any time at their house anymore due to that reason. They were often found outside Toy-Zone or with Ethan Green, her “sort of” boyfriend. They hadn’t put a label on themselves yet. Boyfriend and girlfriend seemed to immature. So they were just…them. She braced herself for the lecture she was about to get by pulling the covers over her head. The door slammed open. “ALEXANDRA FOSTER YOU ARE LATE!”

“I’m fully aware of that, mom.” She pulled the covers over her head tighter.

“GET UP! I WANT YOU AND THAT LITTLE BRAT OUT OF MY SIGHT IN 10 MINUTES! I’M GOING TO GET MORE ALCOHOL!” As soon as the woman left, Lex sat up.

“Hannah is anything but a brat, you just spend most of your time drunk or high to even notice what a little star she truly is.” Lex yawned and got out of bed. She checked the time on her phone. 6:05. Her shift started in five minutes and Ethan hadn’t collected Hannah yet. “Fuck it.” She sighed and loaded his contact. They’d been on and off for three years at this point. If she could have told past-Lex how much this guy meant to her, she’d have made sure they were boyfriend and girlfriend. She loved him. She knew she did. But Ethan had stated he didn’t believe in love and it was some ‘fantasia bullshit.’ She kept the three words locked in a cage in her heart, refusing to let them slip. If she dared to say those specific three words, Ethan would leave her for definite and never return. She’d watched it happen before with other girls when they were at school. Then she met him. She met Ethan Green one day after a football game and he was on the bleachers.

No. She couldn’t be in love and certainly not with Ethan. Ethan didn’t believe in that shit, and neither did she. She directed her thoughts to something different. Ethan had said he was planning on taking Hannah out somewhere today. Only until she got off shift. Then they’d all be a family. She had to be out the house in 5 minutes. She put on her Toy-Zone uniform and checked the date. Black Friday. She _hated_ Black Friday. She didn’t get the point of it. It was just another marketing strategy with no real purpose. Frank Pricely, her co-worker, loved the event. He just loved the money. It was sort of destined to be, she figured, his last name literally had the word ‘Price’ in it. She needed the shift. She needed the money. If she didn’t get the money, she’d never make it to California and give Hannah a safe place to live. That was her one promise to Hannah. They’d go to California. California was where the American Dream lay, and California was where they would head. Hannah was waiting in her bedroom, seemingly talking to herself. Lex smiled and walked in.

“Good morning, banana.” She smiled. “How is today going for you?” Hannah shook her head.

“You’re late.” She said. “Webby told me. You need money. No California.” Lex sighed.

“You’re right, Hannah.” She said but looked back to her sister. “Can I get a hug goodbye?” Hannah nodded and held Lex tightly. “Ethan will be here soon to pick you up. I’ve just reminded him…again. You’re gonna go have fun today, okay?” Hannah nodded.

“Ethan…”

“Yeah. You like Ethan!” She smiled.

“Webby says Ethan is a good person.” Hannah said, looking to her sister. Lex nodded and stood up.

“Be a good girl for Ethan okay, my dear? I’ve gotta go to work now!” She said as she waved goodbye. She ran downstairs and out the house. “Black Friday, here I come.” She faced the day with a cheerful expression and lit a cigarette, starting her walk to Toy-Zone.

* * *

Another alarm sounded throughout Hatchetfield. He slammed down his hand and checked the time, banging his head against his headboard. “Why did she have to be at 6 AM?” He asked himself, yawning. He didn’t know why he’d even agreed to take care of Hannah so early. Hannah was 13 now, she could take care of herself. He shook his head and grabbed his clothes. He threw on the blue jeans and his white shirt with the black collar. He put on his leather jacket and his black boots. He searched for his gloves, but could only find one. He shook his he and put it on, grabbing his keys. His parents were away on a trip, yet again, and funds were low. He survived on what he could. And that was the hope he’d ever discover what love was. He’d always tried to cover up how he wasn’t too sure what love actually was by saying he didn’t believe in it. That was the biggest lie he’d ever told. He did believe in love, but he was a man, and he wouldn’t let it show. When he met Lex, well, when he first lay eyes on Lex, he felt a spark. But that wasn’t love. He never knew what it felt like to love. He’d never been taught. He began his walk to the Foster household, wondering where he’d take Hannah. He knew he’d get kicked out the mall again, but he’d do anything for Hannah, even with $15 in his bank account.

The door was open. Mrs Foster was off buying alcohol, he assumed, so he stepped inside. He found Hannah on the couch, talking to herself. “Hey banana split.” He said as he walked into the living room. Hannah’s eyes lit up.

“Ethan!” She squealed and ran into his arms. He lifted her up and span her around in a hug.

“What’s shakin?” He asked, unable to hide his happiness. She shrugged.

“Lexie was late for work today.” She said. “Black Friday. Bad blood. Two doors not one. Black and white. No. No Lexie no…” She said as she resumed to talking to herself. He slipped his jacket off.

“Hey, Hannah? Wanna calm down? Wanna wear my jacket again?” He asked as he tried to put it on her, but she pushed him away.

“No!” Ethan furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “No! Bad Ethan! Bad bad Ethan!” Ethan became concerned, but shook his head.

“I’ll get you food.” And he disappeared into the kitchen to serve her food. Hannah usually liked him. He wasn’t a bad person, so why was she saying all of that about him? He didn’t know.

“Hello, Wiggly. I think you’ll help me a lot more than you know…” Lex said, slipping the doll into her bag. She figured Hannah would want one. The Tickle Me Wigglys were the latest craze lately, and they’d just come in to Toy-Zone for sale at the cheap price of $49.95. However, as she was closing her bag, she heard footsteps from the door.

“Mall security, we got a shoplifter, drop that doll!” Lex, in a panic, stood up to face the door And there he was, Ethan Green.

“Ethan! Jesus Christ, you fucking asshole!” She laughed and shoved his chest. He put his hands in the surrendering motion.

“Chill, babe. It was just a goof.” Lex walked back over to the box full of Wigglys.

“Where’s Hannah?” She asked, realising her younger sister wasn’t there.

“Oh no…Hannah? You mean your kid sister you definitely haven’t been reminding me to pick up every day for the past 4 weeks? Oh I must have forgotten because I’m just so stupid!” Ethan wrinkled his nose up and bought his face close to Lex’s. Lex smiled. “No, she’s just out here. But, I’ll warn you, she’s being a real little snot today-Hannah!” He called and disappeared back outside the mall. “God do I need to put a leash on you like a dog…or my cousin Oliver…” He muttered, gently pulling Hannah inside.

“Okay, don’t pull her.” Lex sighed as she walked over to her younger sister. She crouched down.

“I’m not!” Again, Ethan put his hands up in the surrendering motion and went to go and sit on the steps.

“Hey banana, is today a good day or a bad day?” Hannah shook her head.

“Bad day.”

“Well I don’t know who told you that because today is a good day! Because today, you know my backpack, the ones with the pins on it? Well you get to wear it!” She said, in attempt to cheer her sister up. Hannah shook her head again.

“I’m not supposed to.”

“You don’t want to wear it? Well that makes me sad…who told you that you aren’t supposed to wear my backpack?” Hannah went quiet for a second.

“Webby…”

“Oh great, now we’re talking to the spider from outer space.”

“Ethan, be quiet.” God, she loved him. But he could be a real pain in the ass sometimes. Ethan shook his head and walked back over to them. “What did Webby say?”

“Bad blood…two doors not one, black and white…bad bad blood.”

“Hannah do you think you could just wear my backpack for me today?!” Lex asked as she tried to put it on Hannah, but Hannah shrugged it off.

“Leave it to me, babe.” Ethan said. He produced a hat from his pocket. “Hannah, this hat was gifted to me by a great warrior who fought off many bad people. This hat will protect you from anything bad, any bad fucking blood okay?”

“You promise?”

“Cross my heart, hope to die.” Hannah snatched the hat and put it on, putting the bag on as well. Ethan shrugged and wrapped his arms around Lex’s waist. “I keep telling you I’d make a good dad some day.” Lex rolled her eyes.

“How are we doing with the buyer?”

“Oh, yeah about that. There’s been some complications. You know how we originally set the price at $500? Well, word got around and soon people are betting for this thing. Someone is willing to pay 7.” Lex pulled away, astounded, to look at him.

“$700 for a fucking doll?!” She laughed.

“No. $7000.” He smiled. Lex’s eyes widened more.

“$7000! 7000 fucking dollars! Ethan! We’re saved! We’re saved!” She jumped into Ethan’s arms before running to Hannah. “Do you know what this means, Hannah?”

“California?” Hannah asked hopefully.

“Cali-fucking-fornia!” Lex’s hood went up and she smirked. “We’re out of here after my shift or else I won’t get paid and then we can’t go! Ethan, take care of Hannah. Neither of you die.” She said as she scribbled down a note.

“Oh, babe, L.I._E._R it’s A.R.” She rolled her eyes.

“We get it, Ethan, you’re a good speller.” She folded the note up and kissed Hannah’s cheek. “We’re out of here.” She went to turn around, but saw Hannah imitating Ethan’s smoking movements. She pointed to her sister. “That had better be fucking floss. Now let’s go I want a cigarette!” And they walked out.

* * *

As they walked around the front of the building, they saw three people emerge from Toy-Zone. The first was tall and had blonde hair tied in a bun under his beret. He wore a bulletproof vest and jeans and heavy combat boots. The second had curly hair, also tied in a bun under her beret. He had a silver badge on his breast pocket. She wore a standard black jumper, jeans and combat boots. The third was young. She had lighter roots, but had short brunette hair tied in a bun. She also wore black, but unlike the two, she had a grey jumper on underneath a leather jacket, black jeans, and purple sneakers with yellow shoelaces. She wore a darkish lipstick. Lex knew that face anywhere. And she was carrying a Tickle Me Wiggly. “Eleanor McNamara?” She asked as she approached the three. The youngest stopped and turned around.

“Lex Foster?” She asked as she held out her hand. A watch revealed itself from underneath the grey sweater. “God I haven’t seen you in ages!” Lex shook Elle’s hand, Elle’s grip firm.

“How have you been?” Lex asked with a smile.

“It’s been good! I got a job with my dad.” She gestured to the blonde, who waved. “Didn’t you drop out?”

“Dropped out to take care of my little sister, yes. School fucking sucks.”

“Oh, agreed.” She laughed. “You work at Toy-Zone? Good luck. People are dead on the floor.” Lex opened her eyes again.

“Tell me you’re joking.” There was a harsh cough that came from the blonde and Elle blushed.

“Definitely joking. Anyways. Here’s my contact. I’ll see you soon Lex!” She saluted and returned back to her family. Lex punched the number in and sent a quick _hello. _

“Who was that?” Ethan asked as she looked back up.

“Elle McNamara. She was a year below us in school. She was really nice to me. She was in Alice’s year.” Ethan nodded.

“That’s why I don’t know her.”

“Babe, you didn’t speak to anyone _but _me.”

“That’s an extremely valid point.”

“Ethan, I am valid.” Ethan shook his head and kissed Lex gently. “You’re such a dork, Ethan Green.”

“I can and will say the same about you, Lex Foster.”

* * *

“You fucking blew it, Elle!”

“Not quite!” She said, trailing after her father. “There are people literally dead inside of Toy-Zone! You know I struggle to lie! I’m too honest!”

“And that’s why Schaffer and I are going to train you!”

“I’m 18 I should be able to lie by now!” She huffed, frustrated. John shook his head and turned around to face his kid.

“Eleanor Paula McNamara, you had a slightly different upbringing. We taught you to be honest. We all did. When you were eleven you didn’t talk to anyone but me. And you were honest then. I encouraged you not to lie. And we got where we are today. I gained your trust and you gained mine. Elle, I wouldn’t ask you to change for the world. We love you just as you are. I love you.” He said as he poked his daughter’s shoulder. She smiled. “Xander Lee wants you to help him figure out this new pattern with the wiggly dolls anyways, kid.” She nodded and started heading in that direction. Behind him, a door opened and someone stepped out. By the footsteps and by the breathing pattern, John could already tell who that was.

“Think I’d forget, John.”

“More like think _I’d _forget.” And all John could think of was _here we go again. _


	3. Do You All See The Memories/Ghost Peppers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone made a mistake and they've returned in attempts to redeem themselves.

“So you’ve forgotten?” He felt hands on his shoulders. The grip was tight, unforgiving, and he shuddered. Remaining as calm as he possibly could, he shrugged the hands away. “You’ve forgotten everything that happened. Everything that happened in the past dimension. Everything from two thousand and fucking two to now?!” John sighed. He wouldn’t do this. Not today. He didn’t have the energy.

“I fired you a long while ago, sir. Why are you back?”

“I want another chance.” He gripped John’s shoulders again and spun John to face him. The grip was gentle which was unusual considering the person. John wasn’t looking up and into the figure’s eyes. Instead, he chose to stare at his boots.

“You _always_ wanted another chance.”

“But this time will be different!” The other guy tried to explain with desperation, but John wasn’t having any of it. He couldn’t change his attitude towards him in the past dimension, who’s to say anything would change now?

“How do I know that? You had several years to redeem yourself. Several years. And what did you do? You continued to act the same way. You used the same techniques on me that resulted in me almost dying. And where were you? You left me for dead. You hurt me beyond words can explain. You hurt me deliberately, and here you are, begging for your job back, begging for another chance! Again! I know for a fact that you’ll hurt me again if you come back to the force. And that’s the reason why I’m not letting you back in. Because you cause pain to everyone who even bothers to try and care about you.”

“That was _past_ me, John.”

“I call bullshit.” Finally, John looked into the other guy’s eyes, no longer afraid. _He_ was General John McNamara and _he_ was carrying Wilbur Cross’ legacy through to this new dimension with him. He’d make sure he made General Icacks and his mentor proud. He promised to keep PEIP Hatchetfield in order and to not get distracted by family, friends, or anything outside of PEIP. He’d ensure all his staff were taken care of and that they could feel if something was wrong they could turn to him. Not only did he work for the army, but during his couple of years on paid leave, he got a degree in psychology. He was PEIP’s official therapist. He was good at being a therapist, but he preferred being out on the field. The field was his home. It’s where he belonged. He wasn’t the type to be constantly shut inside. Neither was his best friend, neither was his kid. They had to get out. Working in the field was the perfect opportunity to let out any licensed rage he held back. “I call pure bullshit about that. I don’t know why I trusted you to begin with. You just hurt people. I mean, you killed people when you were off the field, how am I supposed to trust you to come back into it now knowing you had anger issues, didn’t talk to me about them, and took your rage out by killing those who were innocent?”

“I didn’t intend to murder them, actually.”

“So you can admit you murdered people, but refuse to admit that you hurt the people that cared mostly about you? Those people specifically being _your _family. That’s just typical behaviour and I don’t know why I expected something more.”

“And you’re going to hold me down for it? You won’t let me live it down? I couldn’t talk to you about my personal issues because I knew you’d act like this.”

“You don’t know that. I wouldn’t have acted like whatever you claim “this” to be. I’d have helped you like I help everyone else here!” He looked back at him. “There is no reason to forgive you.” He had a burning desire for a cigarette. The only issue that came with the desire was that he’d been trying to give them up. Since entering the new dimension, he realised there were better things to do rather than to wallow over those that could no longer be saved or redeemed. After years of Elle pleading him to, he finally took the jump and tried to give them up.

Tried to.

“You remember what you did.” He said as he reached into his pocket, beginning to walk towards the room where he was supposed to meet Paul. It was 8:47 AM, according to his watch. In McNamara’s eyes, time was a conspiracy and didn’t truly exist. It’s the running joke him, Schaffer and Xander Lee had kept alive since the three of them joined the branch. They were a close group of friends. They still are. “For 9 months I was gone from this branch. In those 9 months I forgot pretty much about you. Thank god I did.” A pause. “Whatever the hell happened has managed to carry a few, if not, _all _the memories through to this dimension. How do I know this version of you won’t do the same as what _he _did.” The footsteps behind him stopped. “I mean, do you remember the memories? Do you?"

“Yes but…John I want forgiveness…”

“Why?” Silence came from the other man. John chuckled, shaking his head. “You don’t have a valid reason.”

“Not yet.” The voice seemed to soften up. McNamara had heard it one too many times before. This was just another way of manipulation. But he seemed so genuine this time…no. He knew better. He was healthier now. He didn’t need to rely on _him. _John adjusted his beret and took his hair down, feeling instant relief. He turned to see the other guy now not looking at him at all.

“Let me get this straight. Fairly ironic I just said because I am the opposite but, _you_ want _me_ to wait here while _you_ come up with an excuse as to why _I_ should let you back into _my _squad?”

“Yeah that’s pretty much what I’d like.”

McNamara laughed, not bothering to hide the disgust he was currently feeling. “Now let me tell you something. PEIP doesn’t wait around. You used to work here, you should know that. It’s Black Friday and people are currently _dying_ because of this doll. The Tickle Me Wiggly. We don’t accept people who have betrayed or wronged the force in the past, whether it be past dimensions or past years. What I’m really trying to get forward is that your request has been denied and you won’t be coming back to the team.” John tucked the doll under his arm and began striding away, approaching the training lab. The footsteps continued following behind closely. John shook his head as he pushed the door open. 8:49 AM. Paul would be here in 11 minutes. “You can talk to me all you want, you can follow me around, but the consequences you have to pay are that you will not get your original job back. The other consequence is that I am choosing to refuse to listen to what you’re saying because knowing you it’ll be some utter made up bullcrap.” He walked over to a glass cabinet, unlocked it, and chained Wiggly up inside. He reclosed the cabinet door and walked over to the control panel. It was the only thing that wasn’t white in the room.

“John McNamara-” John curled his lip and turned to the speaker. He clicked the button. He wasn’t listening to _his _request again.

“Colonel Felicity Schaffer to training room 0.4.”

“HI DAD!” Another voice screeched over the other side of the facility. John winced from the crackling of the volume and how it sounded from the speaker.

“Colonel Felicity Schaffer and _Private _Elle McNamara to training room 0.4 to meet up with Mr Paul Matthews at 09:00 in the AM.” He closed the speaker off before changing his mind. “And bring Xander Lee. I have information for him.” He closed the speaker off agaun and sat at the desk, writing everything that linked to Wiggly down on the sheet. “This makes zero fucking sense.” He slammed the pen down, confused. There was no obvious pattern like there had been in past times. Then he realised something in his analysis. “Unless…”

“Unless what?” The other guy asked, walking over to him. John, eyes colder than steel, looked to him. The other guy took the idea and walked back to the door, where he remained put.

“You stay by the door. You aren’t in the agency and therefore will not be considered a part of this mission. More simplistically, you don’t get to know anything I’m writing down or anything involved with the frequent murders and the doll. And that’s the tea.” The other guy exhaled deeply as the two girls appeared at the door as well as Xander Lee.

“General McNamara.” Xander said with a nod. He stepped into the room as John stood up. McNamara passed the piece of paper over. Xander quickly examined everything.

“I’ll organise the van.” Xander confirmed, saluting, John following the movement. He turned back to his best friend and his daughter as Lee left the room. “Private. Colonel.”

“Dad.” Elle laughed as she ran into his arms. John lifted her up, spinning her around in a hug, and then set her on the floor. “I’m not used to being called Private yet. Can’t you just call me Elle?”

“No, Private. It’s against PEIP’s rules. You must be referred to your title until we’re at home. And if you think Private is hard to adjust to, just you wait until you are _Gennie McNamara the second_.” John smiled widely towards his daughter.

“The second…” The other guy muttered, causing the trio to turn to face him. “_I_ was the second.”

“Yes, you were the second in the dimension where I was presumed dead but I was actually on a secret mission. In this dimension, you won’t be the second general taking the McNamara name. You lost that title ages ago, and there’s no point even trying to bother getting it back.”

“Why is he even here, dad?” Elle whispered to him. Elle could only remember certain memories from past events. However, seeing him was one of the clearest memories she’d carried through to this new dimension with her. She remembered pretty much everything about her family because of the man stood by the door.

“Who knows, Elle.” He said as his eyes flicked back to Felicity. 9:58 AM. The speaker crackled.

“General McNamara, Paul Matthews is here to see you.” Xander said on the intercom.

“I’ll go and get him!” Elle said and ran out the room. John could tell how relieved Elle was to finally have an excuse to get away from the this scenario.

“Elle’s on her way. Thanks for the information, Xander.”

“Never a problem, sir.” The speakers closed up, before reopening and he heard Xander inhale through the speaker. “Oh, also John? The JEEP is ready to go whenever you are. I’ll get Schaffer to train Paul while you and Elle are away speaking to the president?”

“That would work. Thank you, the best person on our team.” John lifted his finger off the button and folded his arms.

“That’s rude, Jonathon.” Schaffer said in a joking manner, still ignoring the other guy in the room, making her voice sound stereotypically British.

“Firstly, Schaffer, ,y name isn’t Jonathon. It’s John Gary McNamara. Secondly, you address me as _General_ John McNamara.”

“And what about him? What does he do?” Schaffer gestured to the other figure.

“Oh, fuck him.” John said, sitting back in the chair, leaning back. “He followed me here, into this room, I mean. He knows I won’t listen to him, I’ve already made it explicitly clear.”

“Valid.” Schaffer said, joining John at the desk, taking the empty chair. The conversation died down between the two and the only sounds were the bleeps coming from monitors. The two heard the other guy inhale sharply. They both rolled their eyes in sync and turned their heads to face him.

“How is she doing. As…a private, you know?” A pause. “Elle.” He asked, hands in pockets, his stance awkward, and John couldn’t figure out if his actions were genuine or not. McNamara swivelled the chair to face him fully.

“She’s not your kid so it doesn’t concern you how well she’s doing or not. That is classified PEIP information. I do not have the right to tell you that considering you are no longer with the agency. I have already told you that twice today that you are not allowed to know any information related to the mission, which you can’t be involved in, because you aren’t with the agency! And why are you not with the agency? That’s right. Because you’re supposed to be dead.”

“Why is he even here?” Schaffer asked John again. John sighed, shaking his head. 

“He wants me back. Look at him. He made a big old fucking mistake and he realises he’s not as strong as he originally thought. He lost his family when he lied to my face in the past dimension.”

“That’s not what happened.” John felt a surge of anger spread throughout his body. His arms tensed up and he stood up, pushing the chair away in the process. He stared at the brunette in the corner of the brightly-lit room.

“Oh how bold of you, Nicholas!” He laughed sarcastically, before staring back at him in the eyes. “How fucking bold of you, Nicholas Johnson-“

“McNamara.”

“Nicholas _Johnson _to accuse _me _of lying when _I_ remember _everything_ from that past dimension. When I went to the mission as JGM to protect _you,_ to get an increase of money so that we could get a better home, so that we could renew our vows which you had told me _you _wanted to do. It was your idea, not mine! And I went along with it because god fucking dammit I loved you. I can’t believe I was a fool to even believe you wanted to do that and how I was so oblivious as to the fact I didn’t notice the lies you spewed on a daily basis. I can not believe how I fell for the biggest asshole in this facility. I can’t believe I even bothered getting so drunk on the night of the mission to the extent that I hooked up with you. Now let me tell you the list of John McNamara’s biggest mistakes. It only has one thing written on it. Number one: getting drunk 15 years ago and hooking up with Nick Johnson.”

“Technically we’re still married, John.”

“Just because we may still be married doesn’t mean I call you by my surname. You need to earn that like you earn your titles!” John laughed. “What does this dimension Nick do then? Does he not like how his husband, no wait I shouldn’t be calling myself that, how his “fuck buddy” is a General in a renowned US military base and how his husband got jealous as well due to the fact that he’d had been in the facility longer than the General had? Or does he not make an effort with their daughter to try and bond with her after knowing she was traumatised from the adoption centre and how she was treated and only made her life hell? Does this version of Nick also plan on killing himself in front of me giving me permanent PTSD and sending me spiralling to that I almost overdose on alcohol? No wait that’s a lie. _Being_ the reason I overdosed on alcohol because I let love go to my head and it sent me thinking irrationally!”

“You overdosed?”

“Yes. I did. And it was _your_ fault.” The brunette looked at his hands. Two rings were still worn on his right hand. He was dressed in a navy shirt that read _Was Yours _on it and black jeans, accompanied by black boots. Nick sighed. 

“I’ll tell you what this Nick does. This Nick received councelling as soon as he realised how much of a git he was being and didn’t want to lose his husband and his family. This Nick has also been looking back into Elle’s adoption papers in hopes to learn her interests and therefore gain her trust. This Nick realises how much of a twat he’d been to you, and this Nick is also partly to blame for Nick Johnson’s actions in that past dimension. John, I’m sorry. I did get jealous because you were perfect. You, you waltzed into PEIPHF and instantly became Icack’s favourite candidate and started at the Colonel position besides Schaffer whereas I started as a private and had to work myself up to the top. Before you I was the favourite and I wasn’t used to the spotlight being ripped away from me.”

“I could tell.”

“That’s the thing that got me. I realised I shouldn’t have gotten jealous and realised how truly lucky I was to have you in my life. To have you and Elle and Schaffer who tried her hardest to help you when you needed it. But because I was an idiot, I still am an idiot, I lost that bond. I lost the bond with you, I lost the bond with Schaffer, I lost the mild bond I had with Elle. I’m not asking to have you back, because I do realise I was an asshole to you, but maybe a second chance and my job back would be nice.”

“John don’t do it.” Schaffer said. “You’re gonna regret it.” John looked away from Nick and considered the idea. Schaffer was right. He was gonna regret it. But he needed to know this was the original Nick he fell in love with.

“You can stay with me and Elle, but we’re on a break.”

“That’s fine.”

“We won’t be sleeping in the same bed. You’ll be in the spare bedroom. Interact with Elle without her consent and you are out like this.” He clicked his fingers to demonstrate. Nick nodded. “I need to know you’re the guy I fell in love with in 2002 before I even think about allowing you to have your job back. But for now, I’ll see you at home, Nick. And another thing, you may not even get your original title back. You may go straight back to private.” Nick nodded again. Schaffer slapped the back of John’s head. “Ouch.” He said, picking his beret off the floor and putting it back on his head.

“For fucks sake, John!” Schaffer sighed. “You’re gonna fucking regret it!”

“I already do. But it’s not back to the original state. It never will be.” John needed to know Nick had changed. And there was only way he could know. And that would be if he could prove his honour and dignity in the battlefield. The pattering of feet ran along the floor.

“Dad, I got Uncle Paul!” Elle had appeared at the door. She had dragged Paul to the room in the running motion. Elle smiled, letting go of Paul’s hand, adjusting her jacket and continued to ignore Nick. Paul waved. John walked over to Paul at the door, Nick following him with his eyes, and held out a hand. Paul took it. Three firm shakes and then Paul was dragged back to reality. Paul was really training to become a PEIP agent to help with whatever needed to be done.

“Mr Matthews.” John began, signalling to Nick, who was cowering in the corner. Nick had lost all sense of power he once had. He was back under John’s rules. Everything was back to whatever they considered to be normal. “You remember Nick.” Paul nodded, resisting a scoff. John exhaled. “Introductions over. Paul we’ve had a change of plans. Your training will proceed, but Colonel Felicity Schaffer will be running it for you. Me, Elle and Nick are going to the oval office. We need to speak to President Howard Goodman. I wish you all the luck, son. Felicity? We’ll be back by 21:00 in the PM.” John saluted to Paul, Paul saluted back, and John left the room. Elle quickly ran after John, catching up and striding alongside her father. 

“You can’t be serious.” She sighed, folding her arms. “You did not just let him back into the facility.” John shook his head, sliding the hair tie above his watch.

“Well, Elle my dear, that’s where you’re wrong. I’ve said he’s staying in the house, but can’t interact with you unless you interact with him. He hasn’t got his job back. He needs to prove everything he’s just told me was true. It will benefit me because I want to keep an eye on him. Once a criminal, always a criminal.”

Elle rolled her eyes. Sometimes her dad did really stupid things. This was one of them. She had watch this particular scenario play out one too many times. Because it had happened so often, a returning thought popped back into her head. It raced around chanting the words _here we go again. _She climbed in the front of the Jeep beside her father, Nick in the back. She had to trust her father, but she wouldn’t trust Nick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now praying my house doesn't get nuked by my mates on the SYPF gc. sorry guys. (*sorry eli)


	4. Monsters And Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of assault, abuse and s*icide. 
> 
> -  
John, Elle and Nick meet the president. Nick gets turned on pretty easily and Elle is just happy to be there.

“So what’s the deal?” Elle asked as John rolled down the window to smoke.

“We negotiate with the president.” He said, lighting the cigarette that was perched in between his teeth, one hand still gripping the steering wheel,

“Wait…we’re just casually dropping in to see the president…your boss? Cool cool cool cool cool no doubt no doubt no doubt-“

“One, he’s not my boss because my boss is in the black and white-“

“Your boss is also your _ex” _Nick called from the backseat, causing John to roll his eyes.

“Yeah, and you are also my ex. The only difference is you are a criminal so it doesn’t matter who I am or was fucking.”

“Can we not have this conversation in front of the babey?” (I want to end TAHS after typing that word, sorry not sorry it’s over-)

“Elle, be quiet.” John said, inhaling more of the toxic fumes before exhaling them, the thick cloud of smoke enveloping everyone in the car. Elle coughed.

“You only got to your position because your old boss’ dick was always in your ass-“

“Okay _that _was too far.” John sighed and glared at Nick in the mirror. “At least he actually took care of me.”

“So did I!” Nick argued in return causing Elle to laugh and John to scoff.

“Yeah, nice try Nick.” Elle said trying to hold back the laughter. A pause before Elle melted into another contagious fit of laughter. John shook his head, smiling, as he looked back to the road.

“You did nothing of the sort. You assaulted me. Why ever you believe I’d reaccept you as my husband is beyond me.”

“Maybe because you love me?” Nick tried, causing Elle to laugh harder.

“No, I loved you. That was before you had the affairs and left me to die.”

“Okay okay stop the fighting.” Elle wheezed before sitting up, taking a sip of water. “We are still meeting the president. How fucking cool is that.”

“Language.” John said out of nowhere, earning an offended look from Elle. “And this isn’t a ‘we’ matter, Elle, my dear. I’m meeting President Howard Goodman. You are waiting in the wings.”

“What?!” She said, even more offended, turning more to face her dad. The general just shrugged.

“Don’t fight with me.” He dropped the cigarette out the window before he rolled the window up. “I am the General of PEIP. What does PEIP stand for, Eleanor?”

“Paran-“

“Yes. But what does it _stand _for?”

“Oh shit right um right. PEIP stands for humanities **inevitable** rights that are if they are needed to **let it out**, they are able to. We allow the species named “Man” to **let him come** to us. PEIP firmly believe in making sure **America is great again** by performing what has been labelled by Wilbur Cross as a “**Show Stoppin Number**” in and around Hatchetfield. PEIP also give kids the chance to prove that they are “**not your seed”** in reference to their parents. PEIP also give those the warning that if you **join us and die**, there is a strong chance that the cadet in particular would have, speaking from their significant others perspective, **“tied up my heart**.” The PEIP ways is when we take those into arrest, we tell them to **show me your hands** and offer them to either have a “**Cup of Poisoned Coffee**” or a “**Cup of Roasted Coffee.”** The only difference is with the COPC that it contains a shot of arsenic, giving them immediate death. In conclusion, PEIP believe in human rights.”

John nodded, impressed with his daughter’s memorising skills. “Hold on. Call incoming.” He gestured to Elle’s phone. He’d argued with her about getting one. _Watches are lighter, more practical, and easier to use. You don’t need a phone _he’d tried, yet Elle got one anyways. John hated the things. You only needed to tell the time with a device. You didn’t need any applications or anything fancy like that. He knew he couldn’t control Elle so he just let her get the device.

“Oh it’s Paul!” Elle smiled and connected the phone to the car. “Hi Uncle Paul!”

“_Hey. How’s it going?” _Paul Matthews asked over the phone.

“Okay, **what do you want Paul**? I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten another 2 hours of training.” John said, continuing to drive.

_“Oh yeah. Just a warning. People are going insane over here. I think they all think there’s a Wiggly doll. There’s a young girl…Lex Foster here?”_

“We’ll be as quick as possible. God speed.” John said as Elle hung up. “What a **La Dee Da Da Day**.” He spat. “People are dying over a fucking doll! What sort of mad man decides to put a prophecy in a doll!” He slammed his closed fist on the dashboard. “And before that it was people fucking singing because of this godendly fucking meteor that caused fucking people to kill their friends and family and **The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals** died at the hands of fucking musical zombies and I hate my job!” John became more increasingly distressed. Elle turned to her father. Her hand placed on his shoulder.

“Dad, pull over.”

“No!”

“Dad. Pull over.” She said, her voice more stern. She heard her father let out a frustrated sigh, but flicked the indicator up and pulled over. “What’s wrong?” She asked him.

“Elle, I’m fine.” He said and pulled out a cigarette. Elle furrowed his eyebrows at him.

“Are you forgetting I am a girl and that I am fully capable of realising when someone of the same species as I says that when they are fine it is entirely the opposite? No? Dad, I love you, but I been knew.”

John couldn’t argue. “Okay. I can’t deny it. I am incredibly stressed. For the first time, I don’t know what the fuck is going on. Neither does Schaf and neither does Xander and like…I don’t understand it at all!”

“Hey, dad, it’s okay.”

“How is this okay, Elle? A doll comes around and suddenly everyones killing for it. There is no clear pattern that could have any evidence to this situation either! It’s paranormal!” Elle nodded.

“We’re gonna go to the oval office, I’ll be there, you can do this okay dad?”

“Okay…” Elle flashed him a smile.

“I love you, dad.”

“I love you too, Ellie.” She smiled, pleased with herself, and leant back in her chair, as her father kicked the car into life again. “If it gets too out of hand then you can step in.” He said after a few minutes of silence. “However, the same rules apply for Nicholas. This is still an active PEIP mission meaning you can’t help. You’re still a criminal. Be grateful you aren’t behind bars.”

“Yes I’m very grateful thank you.” Nick rolled his eyes. The Oval Office was where John needed to be. He had to convince the president. He wished there was another way except delving into the realm that is The Black And White, but there wasn’t. They had to go in. And there would be no return if things went wrong. It was risky, but so was every other mission with PEIP. He just hoped things went okay.

* * *

“Follow me.” John pulled out his ID and parked the Jeep, leading Elle and Nick through the building. “I know where we’re going. You, however, do not.” Elle nodded and followed her father. She was buzzing with adrenaline. She was in the place where the president worked, lived, etc. She couldn’t help but fangirl slightly. John approached the door to the Oval Office. Inside, a man named Morris was stood on a desk, a Wiggly raised high. The president, the second in command and a lady in a suit all had their eyes focused on the toy.

“GIVE ME THAT COCK-SUCKING, MOTHER-FUCKING, COCK A DOODLE DOLL!” The president shouted and lurched towards Morris, who was on the desk. The second in command and the lady in the suit followed shortly. The lighting seemed to turn green.

“Shit.” John said and drew his gun, slipping his ID in his back pocket again. He pushed the door open and stood still, his back turned to the scene. He raised the gun high. He fired one shot at the ceiling and he could have sworn he heard a different song being played. One that followed the law of patriotism. The room was silent yet again as the four fell to the ground.

“What the hell was that?” The president asked, touching his forehead.

“I know.” He quickly lit another cigarette, his gun sliding into the holder. His hair was still down and he was still decked in the typical PEIP uniform. He’d been offered one specifically for Generals but had turned it down immediately. It was not comfortable at all. It was even worse than the navy PEIP Clivesdale uniform. He looked amazing in navy but he was never wearing that again. He was the General of PEIP Hatchetfield. He could not be prouder. He slowly turned to face the president. “Sorry for intruding, Mr President, I just thought I’d drop in.”

“Into the oval office?”

“Yes.” He made direct eye contact with the president. This was definitely not a scenario he had expected to be doing this year. “My name is General John McNamara of the US Military, special unit PEIP.”

“Oh, I’ve never heard of you guys.” John chuckled.

“Well, we’re a fairly small team. It’s just me…and a few of my peeps.” Elle stifled a laugh from outside the door. If her father found out she’d gone against his orders to remain silent, it wouldn’t end well. Still, she loved her dads stupid PEIP related puns. “That’s a joke, sir.” He continued, beginning to walk towards the team. The president crawled backwards into the corner of the room, his eyes wide with fright.

“The president is scared of dad…” Elle laughed quietly in disbelief. “The fucking president is scared of dad!” She cheered and watched her father.

“No need to be afraid, sir. I am really not the most of your concern here. And your biggest concern isn’t why a guy in a bulletproof jacket has broken into the oval office and is currently standing here speaking to you. No. That’s not important. I’ll tell you what is important.” He walked over to Morris and picked up the doll. “This. The “Tickle Me Wiggly” labelled _the _hottest toy of the season. People are literally killing for this doll, and there is no logical reason to why they are doing that. I have been studying the doll since it’s release at 00:00 o’clock and have come to the conclusion there is something suspicious going on behind the scenes with the doll. I would like to know why, upon coming into contact with the doll, or even just seeing one, causes people to become under the influence of this doll. Now the issue with that is as soon as they are under the influence, it seems almost impossible to break free unless they see the true effect the doll has. With every person succumbing to the fact their kid wants one of these dolls, Wiggly becomes more powerful as time progresses. Several more people have died as I’ve been explaining this to you due to the result of this doll. The doll kills. So do the people involved with it’s creation. Those involved in the creation PEIP believe are in a different realm we have named “The Black And White” which is where everything in the universe is currently being monitored. It’s sort of like a heaven and hell type scenario where every action is watched. If an area goes through too many negative points, it will be attacked. And that’s where PEIP came in. PEIP came in because we’ve been trying to grab access to the Black and White and ensure that Hatchetfield stops becoming attacked and becomes an overall better town in general. And because of this, we’re reviving an old quote. We’re stepping out of the blue and into the black.” He tucked the wiggly under his arm and held the cigarette in the over hand.

* * *

_“__Sometimes you gotta wake__. __Answer the call or fall. No need to raise the stakes. When you’re on the wall, stand tall. Sometimes you gotta fill your jets__. __Sometimes you gotta slow your breath. Sometimes you gotta step into the black and white, and face the thing you dread. Sometimes you gotta stand on up__. __Sometimes you gotta make your case. Sometimes you gotta step into the black and white and needle that thread.”_ He walked around and helped everyone up off the floor one by one. They all looked scared stiff which is what he needed. He felt a sense of pleasure rise from the act. “_For there are monsters and there are men__. __There are monsters that live in your head. There are monsters that we all should dread._ _So join the fight. And try your might. Step in the black and white_.” He looked to Elle and beckoned her inside the room. Elle fist pumped the air and ran inside, standing proudly beside her father. “Mr President, this is my daughter Private Eleanor McNamara. She’ll be the heart, soul and head of PEIP one day. Mark my words.” Elle saluted to the president, excitedly. Goodman, confused, copied the act. Elle grinned to her father who returned to the others.

“Follow my lead, Elle.” He said and walked to the other side of the office. _“There are forces in this world. That mean you real harm._ _If your soul is unarmed_.” He turned to face the president. _“__It is nothing on your phone__!”_ Nick snickered from outside the office as John pointed a finger to the president who couldn’t back any further into the wall. _“__We need every hand. For a scrum that’s on demand.__”_ Elle ran to the other side of the room by the door as her father held the Wiggly in one hand. _“__The truly good vs the truly bad”_ His eyebrows raised and Elle’s eyes flickered. He threw the doll to Elle with zero effort, and Elle caught it gracefully. _“Ya!_ _You better learn and observe it quickly boys,_ _It’s the only chance we have__.”_ Elle dropped the doll by the door and ran back to her father’s side. His hands were placed on the top of his bullet proof jacket and she copied by grabbing on to her collar of her leather jacket. “_You better align your soul.”_ They slid their torsos to the left, then right, then left again, before they pointed at the president. _“For what’s good and right. Join the only fight that’s left.”_

_“And scour the black and white__!”_ The father/daughter duo said in sync. The president stood up and stood between the two as they started doing, what John called, “The PEIP March.” _“__For there are monsters and there are men__.”_ They walked back, joined by other members of the committee (never used the word committee in a piece of writing before and honestly, nut) _“__There are monsters that live in your head_.” They walked back and leaned to the left. _“__There are monsters that should live in dread__. __So join the fight. And try your might. Step in the black and white__.”_

“So we’re not exactly dealing with terrorists?” Goodman asked, sitting down. John shook his head.

“Not exactly.” He smiled, watching Elle pick the doll up off the ground.

"What do you want me to do?” Goodman asked, a sense of defeat present. John snapped and grabbed Goodman’s leg, spinning him around to face him.

_“__Look me in the eye now sir!_ _And make a solemn vow. To become your best self now__. __I know our opponent sir. Requires nothing less than your absolute best.__”_

_“__I know its hard__.” _Second in command shrugged.

_"__The world is pain and distraction__.”_ Morris continued.

_“__But there’s occasions met by messer men who trick the deed.” _Goodman looked up to his team. They pointed at him.

_"__It must be you.” _John said.

_“It must be me.” _Goodman repeated.

_“Never take your offers lightly_ _.”_

_"Ne_ _ver take my offers lightly_ _.” _

_"__You must fill your heart. Make good with god immediately__.” _John sang, lowering his hand.

_“__There are monsters and there are men__.” _Goodman stood up._ “__There are monsters that live in your head__.”_

_“_ _It is the monsters that shall live in dread_ _.”_

_“__So join the fight. Against the real plight.” _John sang as he stood in front of the President and his team, Elle blending in nicely. 

_“When monsters are real. You’ve gotta form a heart of steel. To pass the darkness from light__.” _The others in the room chorused. Elle was beaming. She was enjoying herself a lot.

_“__You gotta step into the black and white” _McNamara closed his fist and lowered it. He nodded satisfied towards the president. “Mr President. Follow me.”

> * * *

He walked out the door, grabbing Nick’s wrist. He sighed. “Nicholas Johnson.”

“I’m sorry! Your falsetto is sexy!”

“Yeah? And I don’t bone you anymore. So you can go and jerk off in your cell. There will be nobody doing it for him.”

“John!” Nick sighed.

“Maybe if you hadn’t have assaulted me, had an affair with me, commit suicide in front of me, then this would be ending in a handjob.”

“Jesus Christ Almighty Amen, lead me to the bleach!-“ Elle shouted as she plugged her ears. The president, luckily, didn’t hear the conversation. He followed Elle, leaving John and Nick behind the two. John held Nick’s hands fastened behind his back. He pulled Nick down slightly and kissed his neck. He felt Johnson squirm. “How about you cling on to that for eternity. I’ve moved on.” He pushed Nick to keep walking. John knew one thing. He was a bastard, but he was good at being one, so he continued to be one. Just to protect his girl. For Elle.


	5. Face The Thing You Dread

“I’m going for training now.” Paul said as he zipped up his jacket. Emma turned to him.

“Keep safe, Pauls.” She said and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. He chuckled lightly.

“Babe, I’ve never truly been safe, but I’ll be in good hands, I’ll be with Schaf okay? Flick Schaffer. Who-“

“Is good friends with Gennie, yes I know.” Emma laughed, nestling her face into Paul’s chest. “Don’t die.” Paul laughed.

“I won’t die until I’m an officiated PEIP agent.”

“Paul Matthews, I hope to god that is 100% a joke.”

“Yes, it is a joke, I will not be leaving my girlfriend-“

“We aren’t labelling ourselves, Paul.” Paul sighed. He would give anything to call Emma his girlfriend, but she wasn’t comfortable with labels yet, so he refrained from doing so. He nodded. He kissed the top of her head. “I’ll start on dinner. Be home soon.” Paul nodded again with a smile and grabbed his keys. He climbed into his car and began heading in the direction of the PEIP unit. The PEIP Headquarters in Hatchetfield. Paul hadn’t ever lived a wild life until the apotheosis. He was just an average guy who drank black coffee and pined for the cute barista who wasn’t taller than 5”, who was a slim, petite girl with brunette hair of Latina heritage. She was his girl and they were in a relationship.

She worried a lot, but he understood why. He never judged her for it. She was overprotective. He was sort of glad she was. He knew there was no chance for her to cheat on him. Well, there always was that slim chance, but it was incredibly unlikely Emma would even consider that. They both had a bad dating history. But together, they made it work.

He wasn’t stupid. He knew what love was. The only problem that came with him currently being head over heels for her was that she was too afraid to call herself his girlfriend. She was too scared to put a label on anything in case the relationship took a drastic turn for the worst, which would only lead to complications. He knew Emma didn’t like when things got complicated, so he never pried.

But he loved her. He loved her eyes, her smile, her perkiness. He believed the universe chose the best girl for him. Emma Perkins. Emma Perkins, the barista always annoyed at her customers, but never him. And they were happy.

* * *

He pulled up to the PEIP office. There was that instant sense of familiarity that came with it. The feeling, however, felt more like de ja vu than anything. It must have been something to do with the ex realm where his and Emma’s backstory originated. But he loved this place. After speaking with John, he discovered the area that PEIP had settled down in was actually a deserted school. The bricks were a very faded red, almost brown by now, and many were chipped in places. There was a silver plaque engraved with PEIP’s motto above the door. The door itself was black, like the uniforms the agents wore. He pushed the door open. As he walked in, he noticed it was sort of like a spy agency type thing. Everything was black, white, or grey. The front desk was hidden by a panel of glass. He walked to the front. A guy was already sitting there, wearing one of the uniforms, typing on the computer. He smiled and the guy behind the desk walked back. “Hello, sir. What can PEIP do for you today?” He asked. Paul coughed.

“Oh! My names Paul Matthews, I’m here for training with General John McNamara?”

“Let me put you right through.” The guy behind the glass rolled his chair to another area of the room. He clicked a button. “_General McNamara, Paul Matthews is here to see you.”_ Was spoken over the intercom. Paul blushed furiously. He hated being the centre of attention. Another crackling.

_“Elle’s on her way. Thanks Xander.”_

He could see the guy behind the glass smiling. Had John and this Xander guy known each other before PEIP? Or were they family? Or…Paul wouldn’t get involved. Instead, he focused his mind to Elle. Over the past few months, he’d discovered Elle was his niece and had been adopted by John. Elle was safe from harms grasp. He just wished Cam could be here to see his daughter grow up. Cam had passed away 17 years ago by now. Paul missed his brother dearly. He knew Cameron was here in spirit. He’d do anything to get his brother back. Literally. Anything. A pattering of feet ran down the corridor. There she was. His niece. They were meeting face to face for the first time. He was amazed at how much she looked like Cam. Her short brown hair complimented her bright hazel eyes. Of course she wore leather. That was all his brother wore. Leather jackets. Cameron Matthews was a biker. That’s how he got girls. They found a guy with a motorbike attractive, apparently. Paul didn’t see why. But then again, he had no experience with girls.

“Hi!” Elle smiled up at her Uncle. He smiled back. “You are Paul Matthews right? As in my Uncle Paul Matthews right?”

“That’s me. Paul Darren Matthews.”

“You’re the guy I’m named after! Eleanor Paula McNamara-Matthews!” She declared, smiling widely. “Anyway. I’m here to take you to my dad. My dad’s ex husband has just showed up so there’s a lot of tension.” Elle cringed in shame. “Anyways! Lets go!” She said and grabbed Paul’s hand, pulling him forward as she began to run. Paul laughed and ran with his niece. As they ran, he noticed pretty much all the rooms appeared to be identical in shape and colour. All the doors were black, all the walls were black, the carpet was grey and the lighting was white. They were identical until they reached the room where John was in. A brighter light shone into the hall, seeing as the door was open. “Dad, I got Uncle Paul!” Elle smiled as she appeared at the door. She let go of Paul’s hand, adjusting her jacket and walked straight into the room. Paul waved and walked in as well. John approached him at the door and held out his hand. Paul took it. Three firm shakes and then Paul was dragged back to reality. Paul was really training to become a PEIP agent to help with whatever needed to be done. The idea was incredibly surreal.

* * *

“Mr Matthews.” John began, signalling to Nick, who was cowering in the corner. “You remember Nick.” Paul nodded, resisting a scoff. He remembered Nick very well, and bless Elle for giving him a warning otherwise Nick would have had to have caught Paul’s hands. “Introductions over. Paul we’ve had a change of plans. Your training will proceed, but Colonel Felicity Schaffer will be running it for you. Me, Elle and Nick are going to the oval office. We need to speak to President Howard Goodman. I wish you all the luck, son. Felicity? We’ll be back by 21:00 in the PM.” John saluted to Paul, Paul saluted back, and John left the room. Elle quickly ran after John, catching up and striding alongside her father.

“So, Paul, nice to see you again sir.” Paul smiled and nodded at Schaffer’s remark. “How have things been?”

“Oh, it’s mostly just been settling into Hatchetfield.” He explained. “Emma still doesn’t want to put a label on us, but I can understand why. She’s had issues with relationships before and I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to rush into it. And you know what Schaff?”

“What?”

“That’s perfectly okay.” Schaffer smiled, noticing how in love Paul was with the girl.

“So let me guide through what we’ll be doing here today. We’ll be running a physical analysis, your reaction to certain triggers that appeared to affect you in the past dimension and then we’ll also be running a short exam.”

“Sounds good.”

“Alright. If you’d like to change, I’ll meet you back here soon.” Paul nodded and grabbed the clothing. He walked into the changing room, which mimicked the scheme of every other room in PEIP Hatchetfield. The clothing was just a white polo shirt, a black jumper, black jeans and boots. He smiled as he looked at himself in the mirror before walking back outside.

“Okay, I’m ready to start.”

During the physical examination, it went pretty well. They didn’t finish that segment of training. There was a heavy knocking at the door. Schaffer rolled her eyes and walked to the door. “Who is it?”

“Give me the fucking doll, I’m in a hurry!” Schaffer looked in the PEIPhole (get the reference lmao I think I’m funny.) There was a blonde man in a beige jacket with another man in a suit, glasses, and a tie around his head. Schaffer’s eyes widened. “Paul, grab the doll and get in the changing room.” She ran to the cabinet. “And ring Elle! John doesn’t have a phone!” She loaded the gun as Paul ran to the changing room with the doll. The doll was still locked in the glass box, a green glow protruding on it and remaining in the box. Paul shuddered and rang Elle.

_“Hi Uncle Paul!”_

“Hey. How’s it going?”Paul asked over the phone.

_“Okay, what do you want Paul? I’m pretty sure you’ve gotten another 2 hours of training.” John said_

“Oh yeah. Just a warning. People are going insane over here. I think they all think there’s a Wiggly doll. There’s a young girl…Lex Foster here?”

_“We’ll be as quick as possible. God speed.” John said as Elle hung up._

Paul sighed and remained put. Lex wasn’t here. He just hoped they could get backup. After a while, Paul was allowed to go out. “Go home, Paul. I need to speak to John.” Schaffer said. Paul nodded and quickly went home.

* * *

“Hey babe!” Emma smiled and jumped up, wrapping his arms around her…”how was training?”

“Oh my god it was crazy. We were on the physical aspect and then suddenly everyone was arguing for the Wiggly specimen and ugh.”

“Well, you got a neat new uniform.”

“Do you like it?”

“I fucking love it, Pauls.” And the two sat down. “Dinner will be ready in five.”

“Alright.” And the two were just okay.


	6. Love Will Drive Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elle has a crush on the new recruit.   
You meet John's new boyfriend.

“Dad.” Elle sighed. “When’s the new recruit coming?”

“Later on today, Eleanor. Ask me again and I’ll cancel his appointment.”

“Dad don’t!” Elle pouted. The president was sat behind the duo besides Nick.

“Sorry, am I just dumb or…”

“You wouldn’t understand, Mr President, sir. We have a 19 year old male recruit coming in later on today for his first mission. Elle is going to be showing him the ropes. A lot of our team are either dead or missing, so it’s glad we’ve got someone young joining the force.”

“I’m sorry he’s a _guy?!” _Elle asked, sitting up straighter than John. “Why did you not tell me?!”

“I don’t want you falling down the same root as me and Nick.”

“Yeah that was a very good shout.” Nick sighed, continuing to stare out the window.

“Okay, what does he look like? How tall is he? What’s his name?!”

“Elle, I don’t know who he is. Schaffer was the one who interviewed him.”

“Sorry dad I already have a crush on him. Schaffer knows my type!” She sighed, blushing furiously. “Schaffer’s done this deliberately I’m fucking screwed.” She groaned and hit her head against the back of the chair. There was silence.

“How’s your head.” John asked, smiling, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Very painful.” Elle admitted causing John to laugh.

“At least you’re honest.”

* * *

As the three walked into the building, Nick decided on going home, they saw someone talking to Xander at the check in desk. “Speaking of the devils! General, Private, meet Private Jack Martins.” The man, Jack Martins, turned around. He had dirty blonde hair and pale skin. He was dressed in the standard PEIP uniform for Privates, unlike Elle, which immediately made her feel self-conscious. He was tall. Not over 6”, but taller than John. He had a kind smile resting on his face. “Private Martins, I believe Private McNamara will be the one assisting you with your training here?” John waved a dismissive hand towards Xander and walked towards Martins. He offered the taller blonde a hand, and Jack took it. Three firm shakes and Jack was forced to be dragged into the wildness that was PEIP. Jack shook his head and looked at John.

“Good afternoon, Private Martins. My name is General John McNamara, I am your boss. You will do as I say and obey me is that clear?”

“Yes sir.” Jack spoke and Elle melted away. His voice was…soft and sugary, metaphorically obviously.

“Good. Allow me to introduce you to someone.” He stepped out the side and gestured to Elle, who stepped forward. “This is my daughter, Private Eleanor Paula McNamara. She’s been in the force for 2 years and is one of our finest colleagues. She will be taking over PEIP if anything happens to her, boosting her up from a Private to a General.” Elle coughed awkwardly, staring at the floor.

“I’ve got it from here.” She said, her voice cracking slightly, causing her to blush furiously. She looked to her dad. “And dad?”

“Yes, Elle?”

“If anything goes wrong on the mission later, please wear a goddamn suit.” John nodded and hugged his daughter. “Good luck.”

“I’m wishing luck to you with your feelings.” John winked as he uttered the sentence down Elle’s ear. Elle punched her father’s chest and folded her arms.

“I hate you, dad.”

“The top ten lies Eleanor McNamara has ever told.” Elle smiled and shook her head before pulling away.

“Private Martins?” Jack nodded and followed Elle down the corridor. Elle shoved her hands in her pockets as he walked besides her. She lead him into a room and sat down, gesturing for him to sit down at the desk. He did and faced her. Elle pulled out the questionnaire she was compelled to fill in. “Full name.” She said, clicking the pen.

“Jack Edward Martins.”

“Date of birth.”

“27th August.”

“Height.”

“5”10.”

“Where did you attend high school?”

“Hatchetfield High.” Shit. So he was _high end _high end. If you went to HH, you were immediately better off than other people who went to Sycamore. Elle was home schooled all her life so she didn’t really understand.

“Reason for joining PEIP.”

“I got told I’d be fit for the army. I’ve also specialised in physics in high school and have also been fascinated with that of abnormal activity in Hatchetfield and the area that surrounds it. I’m incredibly fast when it comes to the physical method and quick at doing complicated equations in my head.” Elle nodded and ticked the boxes.

“What does PEIP stand for?”

“Well, the abbreviation stands for _Paranormal Extra-terrestrial Interdimensional Phenomena _but realistically, it stands for rights for humans to dominate the universe over any aliens.” Elle’s jaw dropped and she nodded.

“Okay one last question.” Jack looked at Elle as she slammed the pen down after signing it. “Are you single.” He shrugged.

“Is dating your colleague allowed here?”

“Oh yeah. My dad met his ex husband through the force, but his ex husband abused him and cheated on him several times even during their 12 year marriage. That was in the past dimension. We carried the memories through after my Uncle died at his own wedding after succumbing to the apotheosis-“ Jack looked confused and Elle shook her head. “Sorry, god I forget your new! Yeah, we can date colleagues”

“Then yes, I am single.”

“As your Private, and in charge of your training, I am permitted to get your number.” She slid her unlocked phone across the table. After a few moments, it was sent back to her with his number entered into it.

“Oh, and Private?” Elle looked up. “My address is there as well if you’d like to get to know me better.” Elle’s eyes flashed and she nodded all too quickly.

“Yes. I would…like to see you outside of work.”

“Me too.” He smiled and so did she. Elle could really be in with a chance of winning right now. She hoped she was. She just hoped he was as kind as he let on.

* * *

John marched through the halls and slid a door open. “Mr President this is Xander Lee, a physicist and the best goddamn agent I’ve ever worked with.” John peered to Xander who smiled widely.

“A physicist? Is that like a scientist?” Xander immediately frowned and John chuckled.

“Yes sir. Lee has been watching the patterns from the Wiggly doll has given us and we have come to the conclusion of one thing. The dimension that is The Black And White is the only way we can destroy it. Mr President, we need to go into the Black And White and destroy whatever is inside the realm that is causing Wiggly to empower humanity. You’ll take this Hydrogen bomb and blow the realm up as soon as your inside. Don’t get distracted.” John thrust a suit into Goodman’s arms and he furrowed his eyebrows.

“This is safe?”

“As safe as PEIP gets. Now go, sir.” Goodman nodded, his face blank with anticipation as he left the room. It left just John and Xander alone.

“Do you really have to go?” Xander asked the blonde. He shook his head. “I really don’t want you to go. I don’t want you to get hurt.” John shook his head and looked up at Xander’s concerned face.

“I’ll only go into the realm if I’m forced to.” He said with a smile. “We have walky talkies now, Lee. I don’t need to go in there unless something goes wrong.”

“Are you sure?” John laughed and took Xander’s hand.

“Yes, I’m sure, honey.” He moved his chair closer. “You don’t need to worry about me all the goddamn time.”

“Just because I don’t have to doesn’t mean I won’t.”

“That’s an incredibly valid point.” He sighed and leant against Xander’s chest, Xander’s arms wrapping around his front. “When do you want to tell Elle?” He asked as he looked up at Xander.

“About what?” He asked, peering down into John’s blue eyes.

“Us, Xander. About me and you!”

“Oh!” His eyes widened as he thought. “Will she trust me though? I don’t want her finding out in case I hurt you and then…I know how she reacted when Nick…”

“Yeah, but she’s over Nick and she likes to spend time around you! She’ll be delighted!”

“Delighted…god you dork.” Xander laughed.

“Oh shut up I’m the General here.” John blew a stray hair out of his face. He heard footsteps in a nearby room and sat up straight again. “We won’t tell anyone for a while. Nick’s still in love with me, Schaffer is still incredibly protective, I think Elle is pining for the new recruit.”

“Yeah I mean, she seemed pretty enthusiastic.” He laughed. He kept John’s hand interlocked with his. The president walked in and they were forced to remove their hands from each other’s grasp. John folded his arms across his chest. He had no rings on his hand anymore. Only the one Elle got him when she was 14.

“I look like something out of Spongebob.” John rose from the chair and thrusted a walky talky into the president’s hands.

“If you will follow me. Xander, come along.” Xander stood up as John took lead, acting as if they were nothing more than friends. It killed the two of them. They’d been friends for years, and wanting to be together for a long period of time. Then John dated his boss and Xander never got the chance. Never got the chance until a few months ago. Xander monitored past dimension John’s actions closely and noticed how he acted around Nick. He was jealous. But he knew how to treat John now. He was at his happiest state. He walked behind the president into the room. There was a black frame and John stood on the balcony. “Xander Lee will you do the honours of telling our president in what is going to happen after I press this button?” John said, peering down at his boyfriend. Xander nodded, smiling,

“So what’s going to happen when John presses that button is a portal is going to open. You will step into that portal. It will be painful, but it’ll only feel like a million pins without the suit. With the suit you’ll be fine. Once inside, you will have to make peace with Wiggly immediately and then activate the Hydrogen bomb. Then you’ll come out of the portal and the world is saved!” Xander smiled pleased with himself and could see John smiling from the corner of his eye.

“Are you ready, Mr President?” Goodman nodded at John’s remark. Xander ran up the stairs as Goodman turned towards the frame. Xander wrapped his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. John slammed his hand on the button as he relaxed into Xander. The portal, which was a shimmering blue and purple colour, hissed as it appeared in the frame. “Remember, Goodman, use the walky talky to talk to us. Godspeed.” Goodman nodded and stepped in. There was a small yelp and that was it.

_John? Are you there John?_

The walky talky crackled. John sighed and answered immediately. Xander just held his stressed boyfriend. It was the most he could do. “It’s gonna be okay, John. I promise.”

“And you swear nothing’s going to go wrong?”

“Well, there’s a 4% negative reaction to the black and white from my analysis.”

“So it could go wrong then?”

“Yes, but it’s incredibly slim.” John’s head met the balcony.

“Fuck.” He sighed, his beret falling off his head. “Fuck!” He repeated. Xander let go of John to retrieve it.

“Hey? John? You trust me right?”

“Of course I do, otherwise we wouldn’t be dating or having this conversation.”

“Okay. It’s extremely likely he’ll come out of that portal alive. It’s a slim chance he won’t.” Over five minutes, the walky talky stopped working. The two immediately thought _here we go again. _


	7. John, Don't Go In There

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John becomes big dumbass  
Elle and Jack have a deep date  
Elle = Genny  
uh...cheese?

Over the course of five minutes, the walky talky stopped working. “Goodman?!” John shouted over the machine, but received static in return. “Oh fuck!” He stood up, throwing the device to the ground. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!” He began to run down the stairs and grabbed his jacket. He threw it on over the bulletproof vest.

“What are you gonna do?!” Xander asked as he ran to his boyfriend. John put a hand on Xander’s shoulder, looking into his eyes.

“I know what must be done.” John lifted his hand away and began running towards the portal.

“JOHN, DON’T GO IN THERE!” Xander shouted, but he could only watch John run in. Xander fell to his knees, defeated. John was gone. He was going to die. He wasn’t wearing a suit. He looked to the hissing portal, which was spitting green sparks. Something bad was happening. Something bad with no control. And John was in the midst of it. His John. His stupid, idiotic John who was only trying to make things right, was dead. Xander got up off his knees. John wouldn’t want him to be upset because of his own actions. Pretending he hadn’t just lost someone dear to his heart, he got up and walked over to his desk. He had to continue the research to get those lost in TBAW back.

* * *

“Step in the black and white. How fucking ironic is that.” John whispered to himself, a faint echo following his voice. The tingling sensation was still there. He had limited time. He had to get to the president. All he saw was black. With every step he took, it sounded like he was walking in water. He picked up the pace and started running. Eventually he came across a green light. He ran full speed and held out a hand. He saw what appeared to be…

“You!” Uncle Wiley shouted. John’s breathing shook, but he held out a hand.

“I’ve got it from here!”

“Sorry John, I fucked it all up!” Goodman said, being surrounded by the creatures that named themselves as “sniggles,” also known as Wiley’s henchmen. John waved his hand.

“Go, sir. It’s all okay now.”

“And what about you?” Goodman broke free of the sniggles’ grasp and ran to him. John just shook his head.

“There is no return for me, sir. Without a suit, my body has already began to decay, my soul will be absorbed by the Black and White. But for you there is still hope.” He saluted. “It’s been an honour to serve you, sir.” John grabbed the Hydrogen bomb from Goodman’s pouch and threw it. His breath shortened as he looked at his legs. The water he was supposedly standing in definitely wasn’t transparent as it should be. It was thick and dark. John collapsed into it, his body unable to fight the new realm. Goodman got a glimpse of the red splatters on John’s face, and the red that had to began to dye his hair. He turned and ran out of the portal.

* * *

Xander was tapping coordinates into the computer, attempting to figure out if there was any way to bring back his boyfriend and every other fallen soul trapped inside that horrendous portal. He heard the portal close and he immediately span around. Goodman was back. Hope immediately rose in his body. In seconds John would jump out of that portal and make some witty pun about being the best. Goodman looked at Xander with wide eyes. “Where’s John?!” He asked as he approached the president. Goodman responded with a shake of the head.

“He’s not coming back. It’s over. I screwed it up.” Oh. His hope came crashing down.

“Xander.” The other agent in the room said, spinning the physicist to face him. “There wasn’t just one exit. There were two.” Xander’s eyes widened as the other agent turned to Goodman. “Sir, we’ve lost Moscow.”

There wasn’t just one door. There were two. The dolls were taking over the world.

“Sir, get Howie to the Oval Office. I can figure this out.” He said and ran back over to his desk. “Alexa!” the small robot burst into life. “Ring Eleanor McNamara.”

“So, Mr Jack Martins.” Elle smiled and sat down at the chair. “What a romantic date.”

“I’m literally broke, don’t judge me.” Jack laughed and lay a blanket out on the kitchen table. “However, I can cook!” Elle raised an eyebrow.

“Well that’s always good seeing as _I _can’t.” Jack laughed at Elle’s comment. “Tell me about yourself!” She said as he sat back down, kicking the oven door shut.

“Well, my name is Jack Martins, I’m 19 years old, I went to Hatchetfield High, my favourite colour is gold, I just got kicked out of home-“

“Woah woah woah, you got kicked out?” Elle sat up straighter and faced the blonde. “Can I ask why or…?”

“Oh, feel free to ask. I’m pretty open about it. I was never my dad’s favourite. My older sister was the favourite. You probably don’t know her.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Oh, her name’s Zoey.”

“That barista from beanies?!”

“That’s my sister. Anyways, so I got accused of trying to get Zoey fired, I never really went near her to begin with, she just hates my guts. So let me continue, she said that I had a girlfriend. My father doesn’t like us in relationships or anything, so I was sat there knowing full well she was dating Sam the cop, who is married and ten years older than her. I sat on the couch and I said to my father’s face “are we totally ignoring the fact Beanies baristas get paid a minimum of $5 per hour, she works 2 hours a day maximum, and she’s just gotten a $33000 watch? Or am I the only one to notice that Sam Lowery has been hanging around more with her lately?” It turned into a full blown fight. Before I knew it I was packing my things and I was out the house. Luckily, Deb Fredrickson, you know, Alice’s girlfriend? She let me sleep at hers until I was back on my feet. I got a small job, paid for this shitty apartment, and then I signed up for PEIP, nailed my interview and here we are.” He smiled sadly.

“Holy shit that makes my backstory sound pathetic.”

“Wanna share?” He asked, rising from the table to get the food from the oven.

“Uh well, on July 28th 2000, I was born to Cameron Matthews and Sophia Jens. It was supposed to be a one time thing, my dad didn’t like relationships much either. But then my mom got pregnant. So yeah anyways they became a thing. When I was one years old my parents agreed for a test of some new drug? Like medicinal drug or some shit. It was either that or some dumb experiment that they knew would have a fatal outcome. The experiment was run by Professor Henry Hidgens in Hatchetfield Community College.”

“The lunatic?”

“That’s the one. Anyways, apparently he went psycho and killed my mom and dad while me, being one years old, lay in the baby carrier in the corner of the room helpless. I could have been taken in by my grandma, my grandpa and my uncle but my uncle was 16 I think? Wait what’s 30 minus 18-“ (cue J pulling out a calculator)

“12.”

“Yeah. My uncle was 12 and my dad died at 17. It was what it was. I was sent to an adoption home and stayed there until I was 11 when I was adopted by Nick and John McNamara. That’s an entire different mess in itself.”

“So you haven’t got it good with the family thing either?” Jack asked as he watched Elle curiously, laying the food on the table. She shook her head.

“It is what it is. I now have my Uncle Paul, my adopted dad, Aunt Flick Schaffer and now you! Hopefully. Was that too soon?” Jack laughed at Elle’s sudden panic.

“It’s fine. Tuck in.”

They got to know each other over dinner. They were more similar than they thought. If Elle wasn’t head over heels in love before, she was buried deep in sand and attempting to hide her embarrassment. She really liked this guy and he was showing her the same signs. Then again, she was just an asthmatic bitch who couldn’t determine what day of the week it was on a good day so how was she to decide how someone else felt towards her. After a while, and after more getting to know each other, Elle’s phone rang. It was Xander Lee. “I’m so sorry Jack, it’s Xander.” She sighed and rose from the table, walking into the living room. “What’s up, Zee?”

_“Do you remember when I said I’d only ring you in the case of emergency?”_

“Loud and clear.”

_“Well…uh, something has…happened to your father-“_

“What do you mean something’s happened to dad?”

_“The walky talkys stopped working and I kept trying not to get him to go in and he went in without a suit and…Eleanor, he’s stuck in the black and white.”_

“Oh what a day this is to be alive!” Anger was clear in Elle’s voice. “And you did nothing to stop him?”

_“Elle, I am literally dating John of course I’d have-“_

“I’M SORRY WHAT?!” She shrieked, causing Jack to look at her. She covered the speaker. “I’ll tell you in a second!” She uncovered the speaker. “Are you and my dad dating, X?!”

_“Okay yeah this is why he didn’t want to tell anyone-“_

Elle sighed. “Look, that’s not important, he’s really gone?”

_“Yes.”_

“And you’re gonna work to get him back?”

_“I won’t rest until he’s back.”_

“Okay. See you back at the base. AND I’LL BE HAVING WORDS!” She hung up and walked back to Jack. “Well, sorry about that, I just got informed the mission failed, my dad is now trapped in the Black and White and I’m now the general of PEIP, again. So.” She shrugged.

“Would you like a hug?” Jack asked. Elle smiled sadly.

“I’d like that a lot.” Jack got up and walked over to her, wrapping his arms around her. “You’ll get him back.” Elle laughed.

“Oh I know I will. And when I do, I’ll be having words about his dating life and how he actually needs to understand I’ll be fine with whoever he dates.”

“Hey Elle?”

“Yes, Jack.”

“I don’t like going slow in relationships. In the past few hours, I feel like I’ve known everything about you and we literally only met earlier. I know we’re young but I really like you.”

“If you’re asking me to be your girlfriend, then gladly. But I am also your General and I’m not scared to whoop your ass.”

“In bed or in the force?” Jack joked, causing Elle to slap him, before relaxing back into his arms.

“You’re such a dork, Jack.” Elle kissed his chin. “Remember, 7 AM sharp. We wait for work but work doesn’t wait for us!” She grabbed her bags and left the house, her mind riddling with new information.

* * *

Lex gave up fighting. She gave up fighting a long time ago. She was currently kneeling on the floor, being choked in a toystore, by Sherman Young. She was being choked to death. This wasn’t the way she expected to go and it hurt. After what seemed like forever, there was a glow of white light. Standing on what appeared to be a box was the blonde that had accompanied Elle McNamara earlier that day. “Good evening, Alexandra. My name is General John McNamara. Today, my soul was absorbed into the Black and White. I have connections to you. Your sister has powers and so do you. These powers grant you access to see the souls trapped in this terrible realm. We need you, Lex, and because of that reason I am authorising you to use my firearm.” The blonde drew a gun. “Reach for it Lex, you can do it. Welcome to PEIP. And remember, if anyone asks who you are, simply say “I am The Angel Heaven Sent.” With a bang, Lex found the gun in her arms and blood dripping on to her clothes.

“How did that get there?” Sherman asked as he collapsed on the floor. Lex stood up. PEIP. What was PEIP? She had to find Elle.

After hours of searching around Hatchetfield, after convincing Tom to break free from the spell of Wiggly’s power, she reunited with Hannah, Paul, Emma and Becky. She held on to Hannah, laughing. They’d made it out alive. They’d survived. They were going to California. But Hannah wasn’t excited. “What’s wrong, banana?” Lex asked her sister gleefully, but Hannah sniffed.

“Two doors…not one…bad blood…Ethan…” Hannah looked up at Lex, who’s glee dropped.

“What about Ethan?”

“Ethan…bad blood…black and white…” Lex let go of her sister’s shoulders. Ethan was in the black and white and everything made sense. That’s why Ethan wasn’t here. Her heart shattered.

“Oh.”

“Ethan gone, Lexie. Ethan gone.” Hannah began to cry and flung herself at Lex. Lex hugged her sister.

“It’s gonna be okay, okay? We’re gonna go to California we’ll take his memories with us.” Soon the two girls were mourning the most important boy in their lives. Ethan was gone. Ethan couldn’t come back. And that thought hurt. No more chances to say “I love you.” If only Lex had just said it while he was still here. She’d have felt much better if she’d said it and lost him then just lost him. She’d do anything to get her Ethan back.

John watched on from the side. “Here we go again.” He whispered.


	8. Cause We're CaliforMIA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hannah and Lex fall out  
Inside ****SPOILER****

“No! No California without Ethan! He’s gone! No California without Ethan!” Hannah shouted.

“Ethan’s really gone?” Lex asked. Part of her knew that Hannah was telling the truth. However, it was her decision if she wanted to believe it.

“Webby said…Webby said he’s dead.” Hannah looked to her sister, who immediately pulled the young girl into a tight-fitting hug. “I don’t wanna go to California anymore.” She sobbed as she wiped her tears. “I wanted Ethan!”

“I know you wanted Ethan to come with us. Me too. That was the plan.”

“Ethan had no money, Lexie. Spent all on the car. Didn’t want you to worry..” Lex held her sister in a comforting manner. Ethan was always so good to her. She just had to ruin things by falling head over heels in love with him. She always ruined everything. Now she knew for a full fact that they weren’t getting to California without Ethan. She wouldn’t go anywhere Hannah didn’t want to go. Hannah was the best thing in her life and Lex wouldn’t lose Hannah ever again. She’d keep her sister by her side as if she were stuck with superglue. She wasn’t losing her.

“Hannah I thought you wanted to get to California with me anyways?”

“Not without Ethan!” Hannah pulled away from Lex and continued to cry. “I want Ethan!” Lex crouched in front of her sister and took her hands.

She had to fight for freedom.

“Banana, I know you want Ethan, but sometimes we can’t always get what we want, especially when the downfall of humanity is inevitable. What we have to do is learn to forget and move on-“

“Never forget Ethan! I love Ethan! Brother!” She shouted, tugging her hands away from Lex. She ripped the cap off her head and held it to her chest. “Ethan gon’ protect me even when he gone. Love you, Greeny.” Hannah fell to her knees, continuing to clutch the hat. It was the only thing Ethan had given Hannah that hadn’t been confiscated by their mother. That hat was particularly special. It had protected this group of people, who had connections to either Hannah, Lex or Ethan in one way or another, had survived the apocalypse and broke free from whatever curse the Tickle Me Wiggly carried with it. They were free from the curse, but Ethan wasn’t. She’d lost her soldier and there was no clear way to get him back. Because Ethan was gone, Hannah didn’t want to leave Hatchetfield. She couldn’t blame her sister, but she’d gotten her hopes up that they were actually getting out of this shithole this time. As the realisation that she’d be stuck here for eternity set in, she sighed.

“Hannah, I know you love Hatchetfield, and I know you love Ethan, but we can’t stay here. It’s too dangerous-“

“I want Ethan!” She repeated, her knuckles beginning to turn white. Lex bit the inside of her cheek.

“Hannah, don’t shout at me please. We all want Ethan back, but right now we can’t have him.”

“Why?!” The poor girl was heartbroken, yet Lex was trying to make this all about her. Her sole purpose was to comfort her sister when she needed comforting, and she was trying to make everything about herself. Nothing could just be about Hannah. Everything had to be about herself. She was just so incredibly selfish. If only she knew how to see past her own selfish barrier and to smash it, to make herself a better person. She sighed and turned back to Hannah.

“Because, Hannah, there is no cure for death at this point in time okay? The safest thing for us to do is to ensure that we get as far away from Hatchetfield as humanely possible. Maybe just to Clivesdale for now. We went to Clivesdale on vacation once, do you remember that sis?”

“We went with Ethan!” She said, persistent on the idea that Ethan had to be alive. They both knew the truth. They were both in the denial stage of grief. Lex didn’t actually think Hannah would ever leave that stage. She would help her sister in the areas that were needed most, but that was looking impossible too. Hannah wasn’t one to seek help. She was one to contain all her feelings and thoughts. Lex sometimes wished her sister was easier to take care of. At the end of the day, however, she realised she wouldn’t do anything to alter her sister in any shape or form. She loved her, and she hated how she sometimes wished for Hannah to be an easier person.

If only everyone was perfect.

“Yes, Hannah, I know we went with Ethan but there isn’t much I can do at this point in time!”

“Bring him back!”

“Hannah he’s dead, I can’t bring Ethan back!”

“Why!”

“I don’t have the same powers you do okay?! I’m not that strong!” Tears began to form in Lex’s eyes and her entire face went red with frustration. She was desperately trying to connect with Hannah at this point in time, and she was physically unable to. Hannah wasn’t making the effort she was and she was struggling an awful lot. “I want to be able to revive people, the people we love, the people who other people love who we may hate and I fucking can’t okay?! Death can’t be cured! Once you’re gone you slip into history and that’s it! I’m not a miracle worker Hannah why don’t you understand!” Lex was becoming increasingly louder as the argument began to become more heated, and therefore she was beginning to lose focus and track of her original point. “I want Ethan back just as much as I want you do, but I can’t have him! God dammit Hannah, you need to grow up sometimes!” She shouted and looked at her sister. Hannah seemed to tense up a significant amount.

“Go away. Bad blood.”

“Hannah I am your guardian-“

“Away!” Lex turned to face her sister, stunned. She couldn’t believe she’d let herself upset her sister like that. She should have fought harder. She really should have. She was weak. She didn’t understand what John said when he mentioned PEIP and she definitely didn’t understand the scenario here. It was incredibly upsetting for her. She turned around and walked away, leaving Hannah in the hands of people her sister had never truly met properly.

Tom heard the commotion and spun around to see Lex pulling out a packet of cigarettes from her pocket. “Lex!” He shouted, leaving his son with Becky. He chased after her. “Hey what’s going on?”

“I upset Hannah now I feel bad.” She said as she lit one, beginning to inhale the fumes. She seemed to become less tense. “I’m supposed to take care of Hannah, and I upset her to the point in time she seemed to express her hatred towards me and her love to Ethan. And Ethan is my boyfriend. Well…was my sort of…boyfriend…we never really put a label on it because he didn’t want to. He told me when we first met he didn’t believe in love and there I was head over heels for him and now I feel terrible because he’s gone and I never told him how I truly felt about him. I’d have preferred for him to know how I really felt than for him to have died without knowing. Sir, I just feel terrible.” She wiped tears, biting down harder on the cigarette. “And I got told about some sort of thing called PEIP by some sort of angel? I don’t fucking know. But he gave me a gun and he saved my life and I saw him with Elle earlier and-“

“Elle McNamara? From school?”

“That’s the one.”

“She was a bright student and then she mysteriously disappeared.” Lex nodded.

“Apparently she works with her dad now. I ran into her this morning and she was walking out of Toy-Zone with a Tickle Me Wiggly before they even went on sale. Of course, I didn’t give a shit because I’m Lex Foster haha and now I wish I’d have asked her more. I feel like she has a lot to do with this.” Tom nodded.

“Maybe she does, maybe she doesn’t, but I’m sure you can try to find her?”

“I don’t know where I’d start. The world is a humungous place, sir, and I did not take Geography as a subject. I took music and performing arts with Ethan. In fact every lesson I had was with Ethan and-“

“You miss him, don’t you?”

“Tom, no offence, but I have literally already said that. You’re acting all smug like you just had the best realisation on Earth when you really didn’t.”

“Sorry, Lex. Remember I have a son ten years younger than you so I don’t exactly know what it’s like to have a female daughter.”

“Tom, fighting has nothing to do with gender.”

“That’s an extremely valid point.” The two remained silent for a moment. “Lex, take some time away okay? I’m sure me and Becky would be willing to take care of the kids. And there’s Paul and Emma as well. There’s nothing to worry about.” She sighed.

“If you insist, Tom. Thank you.”

“Anything for my favourite student.”

* * *

John tried to light a cigarette before realising that he was stuck in a realm where to hold anything was physically impossible. He didn’t need to eat, he didn’t need to sleep, he didn’t need to breathe, yet he chose to do that. It was very peculiar. He expected for him to be the only mortal remaining in the realm, but when he got to the area he needed to be, he was shocked to find another kid. He wore a leather jacket and flannel around his waist. He wore one leather glove and his hair was that of a curled texture. He was sitting on a box, tapping is boots against the floor, blood splashing upwards with every tap. John approached the younger kid, who was significantly taller than him, but he didn’t mind. He recognised this kid, but from where he wasn’t too sure.

John knelt down before the young adult, who instantly looked up at him. “Hello, son. My name is General John McNamara of the US Military PEIP-“

“I know who you are.” He said, his voice cracking ever so slightly. “You’re the person who spoke to Lex a few minutes ago.” John nodded.

“Yes, that’s me-“

“How do you know Lex?” So this kid appeared to have relations with the one person who was needed for PEIP to become the strongest branch of the US Military.

“She has powers just like Hannah Foster. She has connections to the Black and White. We as an agency have also been granted access to The Black And White. We need to keep in touch with the Foster sisters.”

“Lex…she just said she loved me.” He said as he peered into one of the darker puddles. “I thought I didn’t believe in love…so why do I feel guilty for not being there to say it back to her?” John could see a younger version of himself in this boy. He could see him beginning to figure out his own sexuality and identity in this young boy. And he would assist him.

“Well, young man, you may actually be in love with her.”

“No…no I don’t believe in that sort of thing! I’ve never loved anyone before why should she be different?!”

“There’s always a person made for another. Fitted together like a glove.”

“I’m sorry but the grammar nerd in me is freaking out and that last sentence, may you explain?” John chuckled lightly. He definitely liked this kid.

“There’s someone designed for another. If you identify with a sexuality, there is a person that is bound to be, what some like to say, a match made in heaven. What that means is you could be polar opposites and still get along just fine.”

“Like me and Lex?” John nodded simply.

“Possibly. What’s your name son?”

“Ethan…Ethan Green.” Ethan held out a hand. John took it. After three shakes, Ethan had to be forced back to the reality that he hadn’t met this man in his life up until this point, and at this point in time he was dead. Or was he? He couldn’t exactly tell. “So…what’s exactly going on?”

“What is going on, Ethan, is my boyfriend is a Physicist. We came up with the conclusion that upon dying from any paranormal activity you are trapped in this dimension realm type area named The Black And White. All of us are here. I had an encounter with a guy in here. He was incredibly interesting. He claimed to be stuck here…for…18 years. He knows my daughter, Eleanor.”

“Eleanor McNamara? That girl who went to school with Lex? A year below us?”

“That’s the one. She works with me now. She’s a general in the army, and she’s damn fine at her job. She’s been through so much, bless her, that she deserves a break. When she gets it I will not be too sure of, but I promised her she’d get one so I’ll make sure she does. I will kill for her to have a break. Literally and legally.”

“Well, you can’t at the minute because we’re trapped here.”

“Another incredibly valid point, young man.” Ethan nodded sadly. He just wanted to be back with Lex. Lex and Hannah. God, Hannah was struggling more than Lex was. Well, that was on the physical side of things. He couldn’t see how the girls were reacting to this event emotionally or mentally, but he could make an estimation about the fact, and he believed for it to be incredibly heartbreaking for the two of them. He didn’t want it to be, but it was. He died saving the two of them, like he’d promised. He’d get them to California, but Hannah was refusing to go. She wanted him, and he had no way to talk to her from here. He didn’t think he’d ever miss the Foster sisters, but apparently he did. It broke him to see the two suffering like that. If only he was still alive. Then maybe he could let Lex know how he felt about her. He now knew what love was. And it was his heart strings tugging with anticipation to envelop Lex even when he believed she wasn’t okay. No matter what she said, he always seemed to know what was best for her. Now there was no way to talk to her. He wanted to talk to the two of them. However, there was just one major inconsistency and that was not being able to even touch her because of this barrier that held him back. An invisible wall of one way mirrors that allowed him to see her, but not her to see him. He just wanted to let her know he was okay, but that seemed impossible for the time being.

“So what do we do?” He asked and looked at John. John looked to Ethan.

“My boyfriend, Xander Lee, my sister, Felicity Schaffer, and my daughter, Eleanor McNamara, will be figuring out how to reopen the portal. They will figure out how to get us back to Earth. Trust me, Ethan. They won’t let us die. Not again.”

“Again?”

“Well…in another dimension I died…twice I think and still lived to tell the tale. It’s awful, but I overdosed on alcohol one time and faked my death, then I actually died of an infection and was revived. That version of me was very young, very naïve, very “I don’t want to believe my husband is having an affair and lying behind my back” esque. But it was what it was, but I’m happier and healthier now. My new boyfriend has been one of my best friends since I joined the force. He’s the best.” Ethan smiled and nodded.

“I want Lex to be my girlfriend. She doesn’t know that. I want her to, though.”

“When we get back to Earth, tell her. You won’t regret it.” John saluted to Ethan who copied the motion. John spun on his heel and began walking away. “Xander…come on you ruthless bastard. You have to hurry up.” He whispered and looked under his feet. Through the blood, the image of his daughter, boyfriend and sister showed up. They had to get bring them back. They had to. Otherwise there would be no California for the dreamers and no relationships for him. He had to see his daughter, Ethan had to see his Lex and the other guy in here had to see his brother again. No matter what it took, John assured the two men in here with him they’d get back safely, though now he was starting to debate that would ever be true. He’d lied, forcing him to sigh. “John stop fucking lying to those who need hope. They’re gonna get excited and believe there’s a chance, and then when they realise you’ve fucked up, they’ll think “here we go again” and fucking lose all trust in you!” He sat in the murky blood and splashed at it. It fell off his hands like a thick, watery slime. He didn’t care. He wouldn’t care. He wouldn’t care until he was back in Hatchetfield sharing a cup of coffee with his family and his team. That would be the end game.


	9. We Survived The Crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander makes a revolutionary discovery.

_He wouldn’t care until he was back in Hatchetfield sharing a cup of coffee with his family and his team. That would be the end game._

* * *

“Schaffer!” Xander shouted and grabbed a hold of the female’s arm. “Schaffer you’ve got to listen to me!”

“Have you found a cure, Xander, if not, I am not interested in anything whatsoever.”

“I found a way to bring them back. It’s…easier if I explain while you’re in front of me.”

“I am in front of you-“

“No, I don’t mean like that, I mean like…” He grabbed Schaffer’s hand, heart thudding. He’d be able to see John again. His John with the flowing blonde hair and the hearty laugh. His John who meant every word he meant even during arguments. His John who was far too honest, and went silent if he knew his words were intended to hurt those that shouldn’t be hurt. His John who had a daughter to get back to. His John with the vibrant blue eyes and the colourful personality. His John.

He pushed the door open and sat down at his desk, loading the spreadsheet. Schaffer, concerned about his enthusiasm, followed shortly. She approached him and peered over his shoulder. “What does this mean, Xander?” She shook her head, folding her arms. “This had better not be a waste of my time. I have a lot of better things to do than lose hope right now-“

“It’s to do with the chemical from the apotheosis in dimension HFC3.” Xander enlarged on an area. “And this is where it starts. It starts with the chemical BL-U3.”

“Ah yes. The chemical that entered your bloodstream through a spore and turned you into a musical singing zombie. How could I ever forget.”

“No. Listen. Inside The Black And White, everyone who has been killed by anything relating to this chemical rests. Their souls are being held captive inside this deathly realm. Obviously, the chemical’s scent is that of lemon, windex and mint so essentially a scent ten times the smell of tea tree. So do you remember what the counter string was for BL-U3?” Xander asked, facing Schaffer.

“Yeah…R-3D.” She nodded, folding her arms. Xander smiled.

“Exactly.” He moved the cursor to a different area of the screen. “Now, as we know, R-3D should have appeared red, but when introduced into the area where the infected member lay, it appeared as more of a vivid orange. R-3D is scentless to those who aren’t infected. Those who have come into contact described R-3D as having the scent of burning wood.” Schaffer nodded.

“So what does this mean?” She asked, pretty confused by the scenario, but still putting her faith in Xander. He was definitely on to something. She saw a glint appear in his eyes and he loaded a word document. “The colour wheel?” She asked and Xander nodded.

“Correct, Flick. The reason we use the blue is because opposite it is an orange-red colour. Now, if you mix red and blue together what do you get?”

“Purple…”

“And what colour was the portal to The Black And White?”

“Purple…”

“And because those who died at the hands of BL-U3 already have part of the strand there, and we took another strand of BL-U3 and mixed it with R-3D to make this new element to reopen the portal…we are left with two part blue and two parts red. Correct?” Schaffer nodded. “So, the portal frame is…2 metres by 1 metre. Putting that in the ratio…we need…hold on (j actually did maths for this) we need 200cm3 of BL-U3 and 100cm3 of R-3D, which is seen in this vial.” Xander demonstrated to a flask he was holding.

“Zee, that thing is tiny.”

“It will be. Alien physics work differently to human physics. This, in this flask, is 300cm3 of the materials we need to get our heroes back. So what do you say, Flick? Are we going to get John back?” Schaffer nodded, a smile beginning to form.

“Activate the portal. I’m going to grab the suit to bring our boys back home.” Xander smiled widely and watched Schaffer run off. He looked to the photo frame of him and John when they first joined the face. His hand brushed over John’s printed face.

“Soon, John. Soon.”

* * *

Schaffer zipped up the suit and put on the helmet, ensuring it was secured. She was getting everyone back. There were 3 people in there, from what she could tell. One was a teenager with curly brown hair who wore leather jackets and one leather glove. He wore plaid around his waist, blue jeans and black boots. He was a very lovable person even if he didn’t appear to be. Then there was the General of the party with long blonde hair and eyes that could be distinguished from a crowd in seconds who wore black or navy, no in between. Then there was the final guy who had been trapped inside the realm for 17 years with no true explanation to get him out. As soon as The Black And White appeared to come back into PEIP’s main focus, so did he. He had brunette hair and was tall and he was 34 years old. He had a daughter he left behind. Now he could come back to Earth. Everyone was relying on Schaffer. If she screwed this up, she’d be trapped there as well. She shook her head, banishing any negative path she could go down. She’d get in the portal and she’d bring the three men back. Everything would be okay. It had to be. She’d waited for too long and been through too much to not know everything was okay. She’d bring them back and everything would be okay. It just had to be. There couldn’t be any slip ups. Not this time. Everything would go right with no complications and everything would work out. Everything would be okay.

Or so Schaffer hoped.

“Here we go again.” Schaffer sighed and walked out the door. She watched as Xander tipped out the contents of the vial into a funnel, the portal springing back into life. It suddenly went very cold. Even through the very opaque suit she shuddered. “Here we go, Xander. I’ll see you on the other side.” Xander offered a strong salute. Drawing a nervous breath, she stepped into the portal.

And suddenly everything was black.

“Someone’s here.” John said and rose from the floor.

“What do you mean? It’s only me, you and the other guy here, sir.” Ethan said as he kicked at the blood on the floor. John shook his head. It definitely wasn’t just the three of them anymore. There was more. Another A silhouette formed from behind him and Ethan stood up. “Okay, maybe you were correct.” John turned around and drew the spare gun he carried on him, seeing as Lex had the other one, and held it, his eye on the target. As they came into view, he noticed the familiar uniform or the suit.

“Alright Gary, put the gun down. We’re getting you out of here.” John couldn’t be mad about how he was addressed by his middle name. Schaffer, his best friend, was in front of him, offering him her hand. He took it. “Green! Other guy! Come on!” The other two followed, grabbing a hold of the other’s arm. They were carefully pulled out by Schaffer, trudging through the blood, which had painted the pants of the group black. It was a disgusting thought, but it was one that couldn’t be helped. “Come on Gary. Xander’s waiting for you.” John immediately snapped his eyes to her.

“How did you find out-“

“He can’t keep secrets to save his life. He told Elle as well-“

“I’m gonna murder his ass.”

“No you won’t.” She said and stepped out of the portal. John nodded and looked to the others,

“You guys go. I’m gonna give my boyfriend a heart attack.” Ethan smiled and stepped out, followed by the other person. Just as the portal was closing, John leaped out and landed face first on the floor. “Oh FUCK-“ He shouted and rolled on to his front.

“John?!” Xander gasped and knelt down beside him. He felt Xander brush his hand against his face as his hair was manoeuvred from his eyes. “John are you okay?!” John’s eyes flickered open and saw the concern on his boyfriend’s face. He smiled.

“I’m John McNamara. Of course I’m okay.” Xander laughed as John placed his hand on the physicist’s cheek. John ducked his head and looked at Schaffer. “Was that valid? Was that a good enough use of “it was all okay” or should I do a redo?” Schaffer snorted.

“Shut up and kiss him. He’s gotten no sleep figuring out a way to bring you all back so shut up. Meanwhile, I have work to do.” Schaffer said and walked away, leaving John grinning. He grabbed Xander’s head and pulled him down into a kiss. He could feel Xander smiling through the kiss.

“I thought I lost you for real that time, John.” Xander said as he pulled away, helping John sit up. “Is that blood on your jeans?”

“Yes. The Black and White is coated in the shit.” He shuddered. “But I’m me! I’m John McNamara! Why the fuck would I die to some stupid ass realm?” Xander laughed and took John’s hands. “I’m not going anywhere for a long long while, my dear.” He said and snuggled himself into Xander’s chest. Xander smiled and held the back of John’s head.

“I missed you.”

“I know you did.”


	10. What's Shakin Banana?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ladies and gents, would it be the SYPF series without a chapter just dedicated to heckin flashbacks? No. didn't think so.  
-  
(here's the actual summary okay)  
Hannah remembers all the times she shared with Ethan.

“Is Hannah speaking yet?” Tom asked Lex as she folded her arms, sitting on the couch in the Houston household. She shook her head.

“Not since we found out about Ethan. She wants him back and I just can’t get him back because he’s dead and it’ s my fault he’s dead because if I’d have taken my damned break then he’d still be here. And you know what Tom? I will never let myself be forgiven.” She sighed and chewed on an unlit cigarette. (john, handshake emoji, lex, underneath the emoji “chewing on cigarettes and having guns in their possession,,,and wearing sick ass fuckin jackets)

“Lex, you had to get the money. Neither of us knew he was going to die.”

“I had a feeling something bad was going to happen. I didn’t give in to my instincts either. I fought them as per usual. And do you know what the result of that was? Ethan fucking died. Because of me. And now my little sister is distraught because she won’t ever get the chance to see her Ethan again, and there will be no other chance to say I love you! I wish I just wasn’t a coward when he was still around and for him to just know that I love him and I would take any hit for him. I would do anything for him. I would protect him if I could. I just…I just love him so much, Tom.”

“That’s sort of what happened with me and Becky.” Tom said, sitting by Lex. “We fell in love, she was my first everything. We were too scared to say I love you to each other. When we did we meant it. And then we broke up. If I hadn’t have told her how I truly felt, it would have weighed me down. Now I know you can’t tell him it in person, but you can always go and visit his grave.”

“His grave won’t be in California, though, will it Tom?” Tom didn’t reply. “Exactly. And that’s the worst thing possible for me. I won’t ever get to see his grave, I won’t ever get to see him again, whether he’s dead or alive. It’s just…the universe is really fucking unfair.” She sighed, continuing to chew on her cigarette. “I should probably go and check on Hannah, shouldn’t I?” Tom shook his head.

“Give Hannah some space. Me, Beck and Tim are gonna go and get more essentials. Paul and Emma have gone to go and get more of their old stuff to bring over here. Then we’ll see what happens.” Lex nodded, defeated. She watched as her father figure got up and walked away. She had to be able to give her sister some space. After all, it was what they both needed. They both needed some current space even if they didn’t want that. It’s what they needed so it’s what they’d get. They’d get their own space. Space is inevitable.

* * *

Hannah wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt. She didn’t know why she was crying over Ethan. They’d only really met a couple of times. Even in the few times her and Ethan had met, she’d learnt to trust him, to admire him like the older brother she never had. Now the older brother she never had…was gone. So the older brother she never had was the older brother she never had…again. There was something about Ethan that was different. Something about Ethan she grew to love. And now Ethan was gone. She shut her eyes. She had to remember him. She couldn’t let herself forget him. She couldn’t.

* * *

_“Hannah? Where are you?” Hannah wouldn’t answer Lex if she could help it. Webby had told Hannah that her sister was bringing someone new home today. She didn’t like new people. They scared her. “Hannah don’t be like this. Come on! It’s okay! It’s just Lex!” Hannah shook her head, though Lex couldn’t see. She heard Lex groan and start walking upstairs. “Ethan come on, she’s not scary.” Hannah heard Lex walk upstairs, followed by another set of footsteps who she believed belonged to this Ethan guy. She scuttled further against the wall, her back now pressed to it. She didn’t want to meet the new person. He was scary. The footsteps stopped outside her door. Silence. Then three sharp knocks. “Hannah? It’s Lexie. Can I come in?”_

_“No.” Hannah whispered to herself. _

_“Hannah come on!”_

_“Lex, just leave it.”_

_“Ethan! Not helping!” Lex said, her voice slightly muffled by the space between the door and her voice. “Hannah? I know you don’t like meeting new people, but Ethan’s differently! He’s…my boyfriend.”_

_“We’re not putting a label on it.”_

_“Ethan! I’m trying to help my sister here, you’re useless.” Lex sighed again. “So can I come in? Ethan can stay out here? He won’t go in your room. He can stay out here.” Hannah considered it. She’d be able to see the new guy…but he wouldn’t be in her private space. _

_“K.” The door clicked open and Lex walked in. _

_“Hey, Hannah, is today a good day or a bad day?” Hannah just shrugged. She couldn’t tell. Lex smiled and nodded. “Well, you see that guy there? That’s Ethan. Ethan is a good guy, like me.”_

_“Like…you?” She asked and looked to Ethan. However she had expected Ethan to look was definitely not that. He was very tall and had very curly hair. He wore leather and plaid and…he was a fashion disaster. Hannah looked back to her sister and shook her head. “Not like Lexie.” She said and folded her arms. “Not like Lexie.” Lex laughed gently. _

_“No, me and Ethan don’t really look a like, but he’s a good guy, like me!”_

_“Good guy?”_

_“Yeah!” Hannah nodded. _

_“K.”_

_“Now I’ll go make dinner and call you when it’s ready okay? I love you banana.” Hannah nodded and watched her sister leave. _

_Maybe Ethan wouldn’t be so bad after all. _

_“Ethan you’re a star!” Lex kissed his jaw. “I wouldn’t have asked you otherwise, but I really gotta run-“_

_“Lex, just fuckin go okay? Dumbass.” Ethan chuckled and folded his arms. _

_“Remember! Hannah hasn’t spoken for a few weeks so don’t force her to-“_

_“Lex! You’ve explained this to me twelve hundred times! I remember!”_

_“Okay! I’ll be back at 5!” She said and ran out the room. Hannah continued to stay seated on the couch and Ethan walked over to her. _

_“So. Hannah. That’s your name, right?” Hannah nodded, looking down to her hands. Ethan smiled. “I’m not scary. I’m just very tall. Why don’t…we…I know!” He dumped his satchel on the floor and pulled out his laptop. He logged on and loaded a word document. “Why don’t you introduce yourself to me? I know you don’t like talking, and that’s okay. So why don’t you…give me a short summary about yourself? And then any questions you’d like answering about me. I know it’s incredibly hard for you to talk to strangers. I get it! I’m not forcing you to do that, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’d just like to get to know my ‘sort-of-girlfriend’s’ little sister in a way she feels comfortable with doing so.” Hannah bit her lip. She could trust Ethan, couldn’t she? She snatched the laptop and set it in front of her. She wrote a short paragraph and Ethan read it. _

_ My name is Hannah. I am twelve. I don’t like talking. I have a condition called autism. I like my sister. I like vegetables. I like hoodies. I like cats. _

_Questions for Ethan:  
Do you like Lex like a girlfriend? Would you like to call Lex your girlfriend? Are you good?_

_Ethan smiled and shook his head. “Well, let me start with a biography of myself before I answer your questions. My name is Ethan Green, I just turned 18. I like talking and wearing leather. I can’t coordinate my fashion whatsoever. I also like hoodies, they’re very soft. Now. To answer your questions. I like Lex, but not like a girlfriend. Would I call Lex my girlfriend? Maybe some time in the future, but not now. Am I good? I hope so.”_

_They continued to get to know each other for a few more hours until Lex bolted in. “Hannah you’re okay!” She sighed with relief. She cupped Ethan’s face. “Thank you.” Ethan tilted his head and smiled. _

_“It’s okay.” Lex then turned her attention back to Hannah. _

_“Wanna say goodbye to Ethan?” Hannah slowly rose from her chair and hugged him. _

_“Thankyou, Ethan.” She said. Lex was astounded. Those were the first words she’d said in the couple of weeks, and she didn’t hug people. Ethan was special to Hannah. She’d have to push to keep him around. _

_“And so I stuck a grand into the car in hopes of getting you and your sister to California. Don’t tell her I’m struggling though. I’d hate for that to happen. I don’t like it when she fusses over me.” Ethan sighed and sat next to Hannah. “I’m sorry banana split. I really thought I could get us in.” And then there were more people. They were possessed by the doll. Ethan did the only logical thing he could think of. “Hannah! Run!” He shouted. Hannah nodded and rose from the bench, fleeing the scene, Ethan’s hat and Lex’s bag on her back. Ethan took every hit for the girl to protect her. As Becky and Tom entered the scene, Ethan’s vision blurred. He could make out the features of that of a female, and instantly thought of Lex. He hoped it was Lex. He wanted to die in Lex’s arms, and not some random girl’s arms. “Lex? I’ll get you to California, Lex. Then maybe you don’t gotta cry so much anymore.” He gave up his own fight and let himself slip away. _

_Everything went black. _

_But Hannah didn’t know that._

* * *

What Hannah did know was that she missed Ethan dearly. Upon Webby telling her that her brother figure was dead, she hadn’t coped at all whatsoever. She wiped her tears with the sleeve of her shirt and stood up. She went to walk back upstairs but felt a heavy weight on her shoulder. During her crying, she hadn’t heard the door click open. During her flashback, she hadn’t realised she wasn’t the only one downstairs anymore. She went to walk upstairs, but felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around. He wore a leather glove on one hand and was extremely tall. He wore a leather jacket and plaid around his waist. His eyes were bright and alive. “What’s shakin, banana?”


	11. Don't Be Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i fell asleep during this chapter  
-  
Paul, Emma and Elle meet someone important.

Hannah smiled and jumped up, squealing, Ethan catching her. “Greeny! Brother Greeny!” She smiled as she buried her face in his neck. “Home! Alive!”

“Yeah! I’m home and I’m alive! I got told where to find you guys!” He smiled and just held Hannah. They both needed each other in this moment. “Okay, maybe I do believe you with the whole space spider thing.”

“Webby?” She said, pulling away and staring into his eyes. He nodded.

“The Black And White is freaky, isn’t it?” Hannah nodded. “Home! Safe!”

“Hannah?! Who are you talking to?!” Lex called from upstairs. Her tone signified her frustration. Ethan shook his head as he carried Hannah back to the couch.

“Greeny!” She shouted back.

“No, Hannah! Ethan’s dead!” She was coming down the stairs and his heart started thudding. If you were dead, your heart stopped. His was still healthy. Healthy and alive. “You’re just-“ they made eye contact. Lex laughed nervously. “I’m imagining things.”

“I’m here.”

“No. You’re not. You’re dead!”

“I’m here and I’m alive.”

“But-“

“I love you.” He said. He knew what love was. It was this. Being with his two girls. His Hannah and his Lex. _His Lex. _She clasped a hand over her mouth and ran at him. He hugged her as she slammed herself against his body, tears beginning to soak through his shirt. He smiled and stroked her hair. “I’m home. Home sweet home, and I’m home with my girlfriend.” Lex tightened the grip on him and Hannah squealed excitedly. Maybe everything would be okay after all.

* * *

“So uh…where’s that room, sorry?” He asked Xander as they walked through the quiet corridors of PEIP. Xander smiled and shook his head.

“I apologise. I realise it’s been a long while since you were last here. Allow me to take you to the area Paul may be in. He’s just come in for training.” He nodded and followed the physicist. He had been waiting for this day for 18 years. He hadn’t seen Paul in 18 years. That was his fault. He should have been more social with him. And suddenly he vanished. He was going to make things right again with Paul. You could call him and Paul old friends, but they were definitely more than that. Xander gestured towards the guy and dipped into the other room. That was Paul? He seemed a lot older. Then again, things changed in 18 years. He was taller, more muscular…happier. He started walking down the corridor and deliberately knocked into Paul to grab his attention. Paul, who was looking at his boots, tripped.

“Oh God! I am so sorry!” Paul said as he brushed his uniform down and turned to look at the other man. “Honestly, I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately I never usually walk into people-“ He laughed as he watched Paul ramble.

“It’s okay, trust me.” He hoped his voice was clear enough for Paul to recognise him. But it had been 18 years and things changed in that amount of time. Including the colour of his hair, which had darkened from a sandy blonde to a more light brunette.

“No no it’s not. I’m an inconvenience.” Paul laughed and looked up, making eye contact with the other guy. He staggered backwards, eyes widening. “I’m dreaming.”

“No, you’re not.” He smiled and looked back to Paul, who’s eyes were frantically examining every part of him. “It’s me. I’m back, Paul.” Paul ran forward and his arms started to constrict him tightly. He laughed and hugged Paul back. “I’m not a memory. I’m here.”

“18 years! After 18 years!”

“After 18 years.” He said as he listened to Paul sobbing. “Hey. It’s okay.”

“No it’s not that it’s…I thought you were gone forever. When you went upstate with Jane and Tom and you got hit by that car I knew you were fucked. And then you didn’t die and then…and now you’re here after 18 years and I can’t stop crying!” He said and buried his face further into his shirt. “Just…tell me something only-“

“Your name is Paul Matthews, you are 30 years old. When you were 11, you performed in Sycamore’s rendition of Macbeth and that’s how you decided you wanted to go to Sycamore instead of Hatchetfield High with me.”

“I told you never to bring that memory up again, but in this context it’s valid.” He said as another set of feet hurried down the corridor.

“Paul! You’re crying? Who are you? Why is he taller than you? Babe you are the tallest person I know.”

Paul pulled away, still keeping his arms around him. “Emmy…this…the mission was successful and everyone’s back from The Black And White.”

“Yeah, I get that, but who’s this.”

“Em, it’s my brother!” Paul said, smiling. The taller guy scoffed and looked to Emma.

“Cameron Matthews. I’ve been trapped in The Black and White for 18 years. I was just recently allowed to be rescued and I’m out and I’m with my dickweed brother.”

“Shutup Cam.”

“No.”

“You knew Jane! Holy shit!” Emma laughed. “Wait…you were in the car crash!”

“And I didn’t die! I died at the hands of Henry Hidgens, I’m sure you know the story. But I know a member of my family who didn’t die at the hands of Henry Hidgens.”

“Eleanor.” The three said in sync.

“Actually, I just passed her. She’s 18 now. She’s stunning. Let me take you to her!” Emma said, smiling, as she started to lead Cameron to his daughter. For the first time since she was 1, he’d be meeting his daughter. This time, she’d be able to think and to see and recognise him. He was nervous. The fact Paul was clinging to him didn’t help, but he understood why. They stopped at a door. “Pauls, you’ve gotta let go of Cam now.”

“No. Never letting go.” Paul said and nudged Cameron’s ribs.

“Paul. You have to. He wants to meet his kid!”

“I’m staying out here.”

“Well, that’s fine, but just let him meet Elle!” Paul sighed and finally untangled himself from Cameron. Cameron drew a breath and knocked.

* * *

Elle was happily dancing and practising aim. Today felt like a surprisingly good day. She’d never really had one for a while. She didn’t know what the real shift in the air was, but she did know it was something. Still, she didn’t question it and continued dancing. She was seeing Jack later. Her Jack. Her boyfriend. Her heart swelled as she realised she was finally accepted by someone who liked her for her. She didn’t realise who was behind the door. As soon as she heard the knock, she assumed it was Xander coming to tell her more information. She switched the music off and threw her beret down, walking over to the door. She swung it open and looked up at the man, who just so happened to be towering over her. “You aren’t Xander…” She said and tried to figure out who he was. “Who are you?”

“May I step inside?” He asked. She shook her head clear.

“Uh, yeah sure.” She stepped out the way and let him in, shutting the door behind him. “Can you answer my question now.” But the man walked over to the wall. There was a picture of Elle as a baby being held by her father, her mother lying on the bed. He took it off the wall. “Don’t touch that.” She said defensively, but he ignored her and walked back over to her.

“Would you like to know something amazing about this photograph?” He asked, looking to Elle. Now she was starting to see some sort of familiar resemblance, but from where she couldn’t figure out. He held the photograph up to his face. “This is the only photo you have of your father, isn’t it?”

“Uh…yeah, how did you know?” He crouched down to her level. Elle was 5”6. She took her mother’s height. He looked into Elle’s eyes.

“Eleanor…I’m your father.” He said, handing her the photo again. She snatched the photo back and immediately started to look at her father in the photo and…holy shit.

“How?! You died!” She said, it all finally clicking into place.

“And I’ve been stuck in the Black and White for 17 years.” He said. “I haven’t seen your Uncle Paul for 18.”

“Wait…you’re not asking me to-“

“Leave your adopted father?” He shook his head. “Eleanor, the Black And White’s floor was made out of the past blood of the souls it had claimed. It allowed us to peer into Earth’s atmosphere. I saw how well John treated you. Of course, I’m not asking you to leave him. You’re closer to him, after all, and I’m not blaming you. You’re a brilliant girl, Elle.”

“And I can still keep in touch with you?”

“Of course.” Cameron nodded. Elle’s eyes flicked with happiness and she walked towards her biological father.

“This is absurd.” Cameron nodded.

“Absurd as it is, I’m here and I’m not going anywhere-“

“Where’s mom?” Elle asked. Cam looked down.

“I don’t know. She wasn’t in The Black And White with me.”

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter. Uncle Paul told me negative things about her. But my real dad is here and ah!” She hugged Cameron. “I wanna get to know you with Uncle Paul and John and you need to meet my new boyfriend!”

“Oh, boyfriend? I will beat him up. I won’t hesitate. If he hurts you-“ Elle chuckled.

“I think the word is I missed you.”

“I did.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bless jesus i put the title of the chapter at the start of the document bc i genuinely forgot it this time. anyways my teletubby is called tickle me wigglers, and it's 22:54 at night pray for mEEEE. 
> 
> the next chapter isn't okay.


	12. Close The Casket Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interactions result in pain. (it's 5000 words long with an 18 minute estimated read. good luck gamers.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
Death  
Mentions of suicide  
Mentions of abuse/.   
It's a very dark chapter

Elle didn’t want to leave the comfort of Cameron’s arms. She wanted to stay there, still unsure if he was just a figment of her imagination. She really hoped he was alive and well. She really hoped he wasn’t going anywhere this time. She did love John, she really did, and he’d done so much for her, but it was hard to want to see him when her biological father was right there in front of her. She wouldn’t leave. She wasn’t going anywhere. And neither was here. She smiled up at Cameron, who smiled back down. They both looked particularly familiar, the same shades of blonde in their hair. Elle’s hair had started to wash out, so she’d re-dyed it brown. She liked the brown. It reminded her of her Aunt Schaffer. Besides, John liked it. So she’d keep it that way. She slowly pulled her away from Cameron and looked at him. “I need to introduce you to my boyfriend.”

“Okay this is sudden-“ He laughed. Cameron’s laugh was particularly contagious, so in reaction to it, Elle smiled. She shook her head.

“No! We’re catching up with family! It’s gonna be me, you, Jack, Paul and Emma!” She explained. “Come on!” She smiled and dragged him to the interviewing room where she knew Jack would be. She pushed open the door and saw Paul, Emma and Jack already inside. “J!” Elle said and ran over to her boyfriend. He looked up at her. “J, Jay Jay, Jack. Jackie-that’s my biological dad!” She said, shaking him, her hands on his shoulders. Jack shook his head and moved her hands off of him.

“I’ve already been informed by your Uncle, Ellie.” He said and patted the chair next to him. She sat down and beckoned Cameron forwards. Cameron obliged and took a seat between Paul and Elle.

“So, where do we start?” She asked, grinning at her father, who replied with a simplistic shrug.

“Why don’t we start with me and Emma?” Paul suggested.

“Oh yeah. I wanna see how on Earth he managed to get a girlfriend.” Cameron teased and leaned back in his chair. Everything was okay.

* * *

Nick ventured into the room he would usually be strictly prohibited from entering. However, nobody was here to stop him. They were either dead or missing. It didn’t matter anyways. The pulse that was calling him was getting stronger by the second. It was reaching for him and for him only. He opened the door and stepped into the room. Everything smelt sterile. He missed his job, but he definitely did not miss the constant hospital smell. He scrunched his face up in disgust and began searching the room. He slid the lock into the door and pulled down the blind, indicating the room was empty. However, it most definitely was not empty. “Where are you.” Nick growled, the pressure to find it becoming more frantic. He began to scratch at his skin, the impulsive sense becoming far too strong. He pushed the door open to the changing room and that’s where he saw it. The glass case. Inside lay the doll who would answer all his wishes. The box glowed a fluorescent green. Nick smiled, proud he’d finally achieved his goal, and locked that door too. He shut himself in the room with the doll. He was too blinded by desperation to see the dangers that lay in front of him. Literally. Nick grabbed the case and stared at the inanimate object. “Hello my pretty little toy.” He cooed. “Where’s your key.” A giggle echoed around the room as the doll remained to glow.

“Hello Nicky!” The voice was that of a British males. “Do you want to play with me?”

“Oh yes. Yes I do, Wiggly.” Nick’s eyes were full of desire. “Do you want to play with _me?” _He asked. He could feel himself turning back to his original roots. Everything he’d been told in therapy had vanished. This was about him now. If he wanted John back, this would be the only way. Maybe John would fall in love with him again. He hoped so. John was his husband and he’d remain his husband.

“Yes I do! All you gotta do, Nicky, is find the key and we can play together forever!”

“Tell me where the fucking key is then!” He growled angrily.

“Oh, but that’s no fun! I want to be your fwendy wend!”

“Stop taunting me and tell me where it is!” Nick shouted, staring at the door, expecting a response. He didn’t get one. He threw the doll to the ground and the glass box that held Wiggly captive smashed. A small giggle began to fill the room, progressively getting louder and louder. Soon, all of the lightbulbs smashed in the room, plunging Nick into darkness. Nick spun around to face what should be the other wall. There was a man and a woman stood there. The man was in some sort of uniform, the woman donned a velvet cape and a white turtleneck. The man was significantly taller than the woman was. The giggling continued. The two people, who Nick had never met in his life, were staring towards the floor. The giggling came to an abrupt holt. They both moved kept their head tilted downwards, but flicked their eyes to look at them. Their eyes glowed bright green. The green soon faded and the lights came back on. The people were still there.

“Hello, Nick.” The man spoke. “I see you want to play with my dolly. Why is that, Nick?” The double use of his name made his skin prickle with disgust.

“Who are you.” Nick said, unaware of how heavy he was breathing.

“My name is Uncle Wiley. I am the distributor and manufacturer of the Tickle Me Wigglys. However, you may know me as Wilbur Cross.” Nick’s lip immediately curled and he stared the other man down. “Don’t worry. I know what you want. You can take him. I’ve gotten over him. I’ve got a new partner now.” His arm forcefully wrapped around the smaller girl’s waist. The smaller girl didn’t seem to react in any negative way. Instead, she held a hand out to Nick.

“Linda Monroe. Head of the Hatchetfield Yacht Club. You may know my husband, Doctor Gerald Monroe.”

“No, I don’t know your fucking husband. But I do know your new “boy toy” used to fuck my husband-“

“Ex. John McNamara is your ex husband, isn’t he?” Wiley spoke up.

“Well-“

“And that’s why you long for a Wiggly, isn’t it. So you can get what you desire. What is it that you desire, Nick?”

“I want John back.”

“But hasn’t John got a new boyfriend?”

“Yes. Fucking Xander Lee. That one guy who finished the trope of McNamara, Schaffer and Lee. I heard what they said about me. And it got to me to the point where I hooked up with him and he continued to screw me over-“

“So you turned dirty.”

“That’s right.”

“And being dirty is the only way to win him over.”

“That’s right.” Linda held out the doll.

“He can help you. Don’t you see him, Nick? Can’t you see him?” She approached Nick and forced the doll back into his arms. Nick clutched Wiggly to his chest. He looked at the wall, a smile carving on to his face. His eyes flashed bright green. The giggling started up again and Wiley and Linda were gone. “We’re gonna get our baby boy back, aren’t we?” And Nick smiled. He unlocked the room, his eyes now a deep green. With the doll tucked safely under his arm, he scoured the room. He adjusted his jacket and began to open every drawer and cabinet, throwing things to the ground. His one aim was to find his possession. He smashed the lock on one cabinet and found it. He stroked the glass, smiling. “Hello, dear.” He said and punched his fist through the glass that bound it to the wall. The weapon fell and he caught it. He slid it in to his belt. “We’re gonna go and get our baby back, no matter what it takes.” He unlocked the door, leaving the room a mess. He walked into the corridor. He was Nick Johnson and he was out for revenge.

* * *

“Right so…this is going to sound insane so…Jane was in two crashes. One when you guys were 15 and one last Christmas. Uh…that was the one where Jane died.” Emma started, never making eye contact with Cameron, and keeping her eyes down. Paul took her hand, to which she flashed a small smile. “I had been backpacking in Guatamala for a few years. I always had texts, she’d asked me to go and see her kid, weddings, birthdays. I never replied. I wouldn’t even be here if that crash hadn’t of happened. I got the call and got on a plane and came straight back. I got a job at a shit coffee store and stayed with my parents. It was as rough as ever. A couple of weeks after the funeral, Paul walked into the store. He was with some friends and he was still wearing a Christmas sweater. I served him black coffee. I was in a really bad mood that day. He was persistent. He kept coming in. On the 27th of July 2018, I found out his name. The day after was an event called the apotheosis. That was where a meteor crashed and turned everyone into musical singing zombies and whatever. Him being “the guy who didn’t like musicals,” hated it. So we escaped, got together, had a kid, saved the world. And then…he got infected with the disease. I had to watch him die. We got married. He walked down the aisle with crutches because he could hardly walk. I got to call myself Mrs Matthews. At the reception, he got worse and he just collapsed. We both knew his time was up, so I told him he didn’t have to fight. Then he died. Then John blew up everything and we woke up in hospital with Becky Barnes.”

“Becky Barnes?!” Cam laughed. Emma nodded.

“Yeah! I know! Anyways, John walks in and Paul had never looked happier. I refused to accept the fact of what happened in our past dimension. Then we…got back together. And now we’re here.” She looked back up. “And it’s the happiest I’ve ever been. With Paul.” Paul squeezed her hand.

“So that’s how you and Emma met? In a coffee store? Is this a 2012 Wattpad fanfiction?”

“How do you know about Wattpad?! Wattpad didn’t exist 17 years ago!”

“The Black and White literally had mirrors in the floor. I’ve been watching over you. I know what Wattpad is.” As the other couple talked, Elle became quiet, staring at the floor. Jack noticed this and held her arm.

“Ellie?” He asked softly so he didn’t distract the others.

“Something bad’s about to happen to me.” She twitched. “I don’t know what but I feel it coming.” Jack looked to his girlfriend.

“Elle? Talk to me.” She started shaking against his grasp. She stood up, the chair screeching to a halt. The other three adults looked at her. She exhaled, her breath trembling.

“I’ve gotta go.” Elle ran out of the room. Jack quickly ran after her, shouting his apologises to the other adults. Cam blinked and looked to his brother.

“We should go after her.” Cameron said. Paul nodded.

“Yeah.” Paul said. The two siblings scrambled out of the door, leaving Emma confused.

“Shit I should probably go-“ She said, running after them, the conclusion finally settling in. Something bad was happening.

* * *

He strolled down the corridor. He must have shot at least 12 people by now. Nobody knew he was there. If they did, they were dead. He wasn’t stopping until he found John. He carried Linda and Wiley with him. This was Nick. This was Nick now. He wasn’t letting anybody get in his way. He was getting his John and that was it. John was his baby boy. His precious little toy who would obey him. If not, he’d meet the same fate everyone else in this precinct did. He wasn’t stopping for anybody but himself. “Let’s go find a new friend, Wiggly. Lets go find our new toy.”

“Is he gone?” John asked, sitting on the other side of the door, clutching Xander’s hand, Schaffer on the left side of the doorframe. Schaffer ducked her head back inside, lowering the gun.

“He’s gone, but he’s got the doll and he’s armed.”

“We need to put PEIP on lockdown.” John said, shivering. Xander pulled him into a hug.

“John, you’re safe with me.” Xander reassured, stroking John’s hair. “Take the hat off, you need rest.” He removed the beret from the top of his boyfriend’s hat and threw it on to the chair. He stroked John’s hair gently. “You are not getting on the field until I say it’s okay, do you hear me?”

“Yes, I hear you.” John said. He’d never seen John this scared in his life. It was, however, a good excuse to become protective. Xander loved John. He knew he did. He was just an incredibly shy person, and he definitely didn’t want to lose him. He feared he’d say it too early. They’d been dating for five months. Yeah. It was too early.

“Good, okay? Me and Schaffer are gonna-“

“Zee!” Schaffer whispered harshly as footsteps followed down the corridor. John tensed up and buried himself further into his boyfriend’s chest. “Xander he’s coming back. I don’t give a shit, I’m putting the place on lockdown.” She shut the door and ran to put the place on lockdown, but he found them. He knocked softly on the door.

“Felicity! Is that you? How I’ve missed you!” Nick’s voice was muffled on the other side of the door, but he was still clear. John shook harder and tears welled in his eyes. Xander kept a tight grip on John.

“I’m not going anywhere.” Xander said quietly. “I’m right here. I’m gonna protect you.” Another round of knocks on the door and John jumped. Xander responded by holding on to him tighter.

“Let me in!” Nick growled. “You’re going to make him angry. You don’t want an angry God now, do you? There are three of us. There’s me, and Miss Linda Monroe and…Wilbur Cross.” John stopped and almost froze.

“Wilbur…” The name was a whisper on his lips.

“I’m getting you back! I don’t want to anger him. It will make Wiggly angry-“ A shot. Silence.

“What’s going on?” Xander asked Schaffer.

Schaffer looked out the window in the door. “It’s Elle.”

* * *

“Jack stop following me, I’m fine.”

“No you’re not. I know girl code.”

“Ha ha. Yeah. Girl code Funny.” She said and continued striding down the corridors, She felt as if something was wrong. Usually, her instincts were right. She followed them this time instead of deciding against it. “You know what, Jack? I’m more than just an average bitch who follows a set of lines that usually result in being named under the category of “Girl Code.” Fuck yourse-“ She saw a familiar figure and dipped behind a wall. She grabbed Jack’s wrist and pulled him next to her.

“What’s going on?”

“Something’s off, not to be a downer, baby. I stepped into a nightmare when I woke up from eutopia. I’m starting to remember my depression of my phobias-“ She shook her head and snapped out of a trance. “That’s the guy. The guy who assaulted my dad, the guy who almost killed me. He’s dangerous. He has a Wiggly. Follow my lead.” She whispered and listened to him. The banging on the walls. “Fuck it. I need to do this.”

“Eleanor-“ But Jack didn’t do anything else. She’d already drawn her gun and fired a shot. Nick turned to face Eleanor. She kept her stance still.

“Hello, Nick.”

“Eleanor, nice to see you again. How’s your father-“

“You won’t be going near him or near me. Actually, that’s a lie. You will be going near me. I will kill you. I won’t hesitate to do so.”

“Shut the fuck up! You’re weak! You both are! It’s not as if you’re parents are even alive is it!”

“As if you’d know.”

“What do you mean as if I’d know?”

“You may have adopted me, but you were never a father to me in the first place, were you?”

“I could have been if you’d have trusted me.”

“Well, I’m pretty thankful I stopped trying with you and ignored you from day one. Do you not understand how much pain you put me through? I will make you pay!”

“You wish you’d make me pay.” Nick produced the doll from under his arm. “He’s the answer to all your prayers.” He said. “He can make you happy again.”

“I am happy.”

“You wish you were happy.” Elle had enough. She slipped the gun back into her belt. She would do this for John. She wasn’t scared of Nick. He knew, however, that she was. She wasn’t afraid of someone who had held a gun to her head and told her if she dared get a boyfriend, she’d die. Needless to say, he got tied up with tape in a shed and she…did some games with Jack, to put it in the cleanest way. It was an act of rebellion, but it felt good afterwards. She didn’t care. She had to rebel to become herself. She didn’t follow guidelines. She followed her own sets of rules. Now her father was in the picture again, she found it harder to go back to John. Fuck, she didn’t even know if John had even made it back out of the portal. And here she was, grieving over him. She had to stop. Elle McNamara was anything but weak. She just chose to be innocent occasionally. Innocence bought her nothing but grief. She couldn’t have that. She needed to stay strong. She needed to prove her place in the force. Being 18, she was constantly overlooked as unimportant. She was here to change everyone’s views.

“Happy? What the fuck would you know about happiness? You claimed to have found it and then got deadly jealous when your “husband” got a promotion! You fucking asshole! And then what did you do? Cheated on him for multiple years. And then what did you do? Lie to him for more years then I can remember! You didn’t even make effort to bond with me whereas John did! And that is the reason I will forever love John and will never love you!”

“You do love me, though.” Elle laughed nervously.

“I love many people. None of them are you.”

“You tried bonding with me and succeeded. You can’t get over the fact I hurt your father, can you? It’s physically impossible for you. You tell everyone that you’re strong when in reality you can’t get over an incident that happened in a dimension that doesn’t even exist anymore!”

“Shut up.” He was winning. She couldn’t let him win. If he did, nothing would end well. Many more people would die. She wouldn’t let people die. Not because of Nick. Many had suffered before her, and she was putting an end to it.

“Why should I shut up? You’re strong aren’t you? You shouldn’t have any issue with me firing your insecurities at you! We all know you’re still hung up on John like I am. Hold Wiggly and he’ll put an end to all your problems.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t really want to suicide like you did.”

“But John isn’t here. You can’t copy me when the source of my death is trapped in The Black And White. Or is he?”

“Don’t mess with me like this. I fucking hate you!”

“No, you don’t. I’m your father-“

“You are nothing to me! You are nothing to me, you are nothing to John!” Elle fired back at Nick, realising violence wouldn’t get her anywhere, so she had to do it the verbal way. “Dad gave you nothing but his love and time and energy and you threw him away! He loved you, and you didn’t love him! He wasted so many years of his life on you and you are nothing but ungrateful! If I found someone like that, I would cherish them! You just used him for his position in the army and his money!”

“That’s correct.” Elle laughed and stared down at her boots.

“You’re an evil man, Nicholas Johnson. I can’t believe anybody would ever want to love you! Especially not my dad!”

“He’s not your dad. Cameron Matthews is. But not John McNamara.”

“Dad’s been in my life longer than Cameron has!” She screamed and looked up. “What are you doing?” Nick held a gun out, directly positioned towards her. “Where did you get that gun? What are you doing! How did you find that gun?!” Elle asked, distress crystal clear in her voice. Nick laughed and shook his head before his eyes locked upon her.

“I’m going to kill you.” He said it so casually. So...slowly. Her bones chilled. This was the end, wasn’t it? No. It couldn’t be.

“No. You can’t do that. You wouldn’t do that. No, please put the gun away! Please put the gun away!” But it was no use. Three gun shots. She dodged the first and the second one, but the third pierced her skin and ripped right through her heart. Her blood ran cold as she clutched the area.

“Say goodbye, Eleanor.” Nick turned back to the door now. “Wanna come out? Your precious Eleanor is dying on the floor-“ As Elle slumped to the floor, bleeding out, the door came crashing down off it’s hinges and a familiar person came hurtling at Nick. He unleashed all his anger out on the guy who was Elle’s murderer.

“HOW FUCKING DARE YOU HURT HER!” He shouted and punched Nick again. Nick passed out, a smile on his face. He was shaking. Xander and Schaffer ran out as Paul, Emma, Cameron and Jack caught up to Elle. Blood began to form a pool around her figure. He turned around and saw Elle lying on the ground. He immediately ran to her side, skidding the rest of the way. He stopped to a halt beside her body. “Elle. Elle hey, listen it’s dad.” John said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Dad?” She asked, her voice weak. She turned to see John, a look of solid worry on his face. “Hey.” John couldn’t help but laugh.

“Where did he get you? I can…I can stitch you up-“

“It’s no use.” She whispered, grabbing her father’s hand. “I saved you, dad. I saved the day. Elle McNamara saved the day.”

“Shh, sweetheart. You’re okay.” Elle coughed sharply.

“Dad…I hope I made you proud.” John watched as Elle’s eyelids couldn’t remain open any longer. He was covered in his daughter’s blood. He grit his teeth and held her hands.

“No…no no no Elle wake up! Elle!” He said, placing his thumb on her wrist. It was no use. The pulse was gone. He sobbed and hugged Elle’s body, which was growing quicker by the second. “Elle no please wake up please…” He heard someone kneel beside him. He turned his head to see Xander. He let go of Elle’s corpse and hugged his boyfriend. “She’s gone and it’s my fault.”

“John, this isn’t your fault.”

“She’s gone because she was protecting me! It’s all she swore to do! And she’s fucking gone and I didn’t even-“ he cut himself off with a sob. “I fucking hate him!” He shouted, his voice quivering, referring to Nick, who was passed out on the floor. “I hope he fucking dies and proves he can die to save those he once loved!”

“John, he never loved you.” Schaffer said quietly.

“I FUCKING KNOW THAT OKAY? HE KILLED MY DAUGHTER! HE KILLED MY DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE WAS DEFENDING ME AND FOR THAT REASON I CAN’T FORGIVE MYSELF!”

“You’re John McNamara?” The other guy, who was unfamiliar to John, spoke.

“Who the fuck are you and why are you in my precinct?!” he shouted.

“Uh, Cameron Matthews?”

“Oh so you’re the guy who left my girl alone are you? Who decided it was wise to bring my girl along with you to a science experiment you knew had a high chance of going wrong! That’s who you are?! Why the fuck do you think she’d have let you back in her life?!”

“Oh well..she did.”

“Oh good for you!” John laughed, but rose, anger fuelling his every move. He walked towards Cameron. Though Cam was taller, John was stronger. Soon, a fight was breaking out between the two. This wasn’t what Elle would have wanted. But he didn’t care. He had to take his anger out on someone. If it meant fighting his daughter’s biological father, if John even dared to call Cam that, then that would be it. After a while, Xander stepped in and dragged John away from Cameron. “No! Let me at him, Xander! Let me at him!”

_Fuck it. _

“John McNamara, I love you!” Xander shouted, causing John to freeze. “I love you so much okay? I know you just lost Elle. We all did. But there’s no reason for violence! I know you just lost your daughter, but so did Cameron! Paul lost his niece, Jack lost his girlfriend! And Schaffer and I? We lost a damn good team mate. We want her back just as much as you do, but we can’t get her back. We need to monitor the black and white for signs of recent human activity. If she’s there, we’re gonna see if we can bring her back! But we’re not making any promises!”

“I need a definite answer! I can’t live knowing my girl could be bought back! It has to be definite, Xander! I can’t do this!” He pushed himself away from his boyfriend and stormed off.

“John!” Xander called and went to follow him, but Schaffer grabbed his arm.

“Leave him alone. He’s been through some shit. He needs time alone.” Xander sighed. John hadn’t even registered the fact he’d said he loved him. That hurt. But he’d do what John needed. If that meant leaving him alone, then that’s what he’d do. He didn’t want to upset John further, so he kept his distance and let him go. He had to.

John stormed to the training room. Nick’s mess was still scattered on the floor. He ignored it and strode over to the computer. He punched in the password and loaded in the screens. He entered the code and watched the radar.

_No recent activity detected. _

Consumed with rage, his hand punched through the laptop screen. As shards fell and his knuckles began to bleed, he let himself break down. He scratched at his hair and clawed at his arms as the tears burnt his face. Everything he had ever done since 2012 he had done for Elle. He had protected her with his life. Now she’d protected him with hers. There was no way to get her back this time. No more laugh to hear. His daughter was gone. He didn’t care about Cameron. Cameron had willingly bought a one year old baby to a science experiment knowing he could die. He could have declined the offer and went anyway. What he didn’t understand was why people were seeing Cameron as a good person now he was back. He had gone into the experiment with Hidgens knowing he could die. He could have declined the offer and stayed with his baby girl, yet he chose to die. He left Eleanor alone with no parents, and everyone was praising Cameron’s return. He didn’t understand. Now he’d be seen as the bad guy from now on. In his opinion, he was a good guy. He’d saved many people and killed some to save some. That was the reason he wore the crow emblem on his chest. The crow connotes death, and so does PEIP. It only made sense for their emblem to be a crow. He wore the crow with pride when he saved and took many souls. He had to move on. He had to plan his daughter’s funeral. He had to do it. Nobody else would except him. “For Elle.” He whispered and loaded a word document. He’d do everything online like Elle wanted.

* * *

“WHY IS EVERYBODY LOOKING AT ME LIKE I LOST IT?!” Elle screamed, covering her ears. She looked up. Blood dripped on to the floor, the faint splashing being anything but comforting. She closed her eyes and sat in the black blood. She’d made the mistake of peering down below. Her father was ruined. She took his side. She didn’t know why she was trusting Cameron. He willingly gave her up. John, however, fought for her life. She loved John. She was starting to see more sides of Nick in Cam. She knew, if she came back, that she’d split her family in half. She was 18 and she could make her own decisions. She’d choose not to let Cameron see her. She wanted to see Paul if he wanted to see her. She had her reasons for not wanting to see certain people. She broke down in tears, throwing the gun away. It sounded like she’d skimmed a rock as it bounced against the blood. She looked down at her hands. Everything around her was either black, white, light grey or dark grey. At least she got to thank her father before she died. Death was sad. Death was lonely. At least her father had Ethan and Cameron while he was here. Nobody else was in here with her. She stayed alone undetected. Tears continued to fall into the blood. She couldn’t stop it. She was scared. She would try to give any sign to her father where she was, but it wasn’t easy. It wasn’t easy at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs listed:  
parents - YUNGBLUD  
Anytime You Smile - JT Machinima


	13. Your Kids Will Love You, Maybe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John cries 6 times (i counted while I cried) because he misses Elle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
MENTIONS OF SUICIDE

After a while, Xander couldn’t take it and he walked into the room. John was still having a breakdown. By now, his arms were bright red from the scratching. He didn’t know what it felt like to lose a daughter, but he could only watch the toll it had on his beloved. He frowned and approached John carefully. He pulled up a chair and sat beside him. “Zee, she’s dead.” John’s voice was shaky. “She’s fucking dead. And-and I’ve just been so looking forward to seeing her since I got back and when I do she died in my arms and…”

“Have you gotten yourself cleaned up?” John shook his head.

“I’m covered in her blood, Zee. It’s on my hands and I can’t fucking move because I can’t fucking stand and-“

“I know, John. I know.”

“I just want her home safe and away from that Cameron Matthews!”

“She can make her own decisions. Are you sure she’s not in The Black And White?” John nodded.

“I checked the radar. She wasn’t there…punched my fist through the screen. I just want her home.”

“I know you do, my love. I know you do.”

“I’m in so much pain and now I’m gonna lose my job because I couldn’t stop my own daughter from being killed in my own precinct!”

“John, you’re the best General PEIP have had to date!”

“It doesn’t change the fact that both of my exes are in contact with each other! I mean, sure, I did love Wilbur and I ended it with him because he started getting physical with me, and you know how I felt towards Nick, and he did get physical. The two of them together are far too dangerous, and I can’t stop them because I can’t go back into the Black And White because my mental health has gone to utter shit!” Xander remained silent and just let his boyfriend vent to him. “And do you want to know something? I had everything planned for her. I was-I was gonna ignore my PTSD and take her to Broadway! I was gonna face my fear of seeing everyone I loved singing and dancing with no control, dead in front of me, to take her to go and see a musical she’s been wanting to see for years, and she’s dead! I want my daughter back, Zee. And we can’t have her. She’s not even in The Black And White so I can’t even bring her back. She’s just dead. I’m gonna have to bury her, aren’t I? She’s gonna be six feet under and-I can’t do this.” He melted back into tears. Xander’s heart snapped and he immediately swept John back up into a hug. “I can’t live without Elle.”

“She wouldn’t want you talking like that-“

“She isn’t here! She can’t hear me, so why does it matter?! I can’t live without my daughter, Xander! I can’t do it! I need her back! She’s the bane of my existence! Without her I’m fucking nothing! I’m just John! I’m just John McNamara!” He pulled away from Xander and began to imitate himself. “My name is General John McNamara of the US Military, special unit PEIP and that is, nope, that _was _my daughter Private Eleanor McNamara, but she’s dead now so what’s the point in continuing?!” He burst into tears again, returning to the comfort of Xander’s arms. “She’s fucking gone and I can’t continue! When Nick died, I drank myself into a hospital bed. Do you know who found me? Elle. Elle saved my life twice. And do you know what? I never got to thank her properly. And do you know why? She’s dead!” He continued to cry. “Elle shouldn’t be dead. Nick should. Nick should be sent to hell where he deserves to be. Elle should be with her family. With me, with you, with Schaf, with Jack. Her family stands with PEIP and Paul and Emma and definitely not Cameron.”

“You really don’t like Cameron, do you?”

“No! I don’t! He left Elle to die! Did you notice that when Elle got shot earlier…” he stifled a sob, swallowing harshly. “When Elle was on the floor, he stood at the back of everyone. A true father would stay by her side. As soon as I knew what happened, I was out of that room. I ran to her side and I took her hands so she wasn’t scared when she died. So she felt content. So she felt she was loved and she was safe when she died. And Cameron Matthews did shit all for her. Back for a day, and then let his daughter die. He left all the fighting to me. Fuck, he’s 6”4, Zee! He’s taller than Nick! He could have taken Nick out, and what did he do? He stood there and watched my kid bleed out on the floor. I don’t give a shit if me and Elle are bonded by genes, I’ve been more of a father to her than he has. Elle died in my arms! She calls me dad! She-she-!”

“John, you need to take deep breaths, your crying awfully heavy.” Xander said, stroking John’s hair again to calm him down. “Me and Schaff? We’ll clean up. I’ll take you home and then I’ll come straight back-“

“No. Don’t leave me alone. I’m gonna lose my mind if you leave me alone.” Xander nodded.

“We’ll clean up and then I’ll take you home. We’ve got enough money for a new computer, but for now we’ll just use one in an unused room. I don’t advise you to get back on the field. For now, put Schaffer in charge okay? Me and Schaffer, we’ll deal with the doll.”

“You’re not trained for the job. I don’t want to lose you either.”

“I’m a physicist. I use math. I can use math on the field too. You just need a break okay?” John nodded. Xander was right. He needed a break from the field. Mental health came first. That was the one key difference between Xander and Nick. If John had had too many bad days in a row, Nick would make him go into work because ‘he was the General and he still needed to prove his worth.’ Xander would make him stay at home so he could rest. Being a PEIP agent was definitely harder lately, so John had stayed at home a lot. But in this dimension he was grateful for his boyfriend’s persistence. Xander smiled gently as Schaffer walked in the room. He heard Schaffer’s mouth open as if she were about to say something, but nothing came. “Me and Schaffer are gonna clean up now, alright?” John nodded, remaining quiet. He was sick of feeling weak. At least this time he had an excuse for it. He tuned out the world around him as the two agents cleaned up the room. He just wanted his Elle back. He listened to the scattered papers being swept up and glass being shuffled to the side of the room. The closing of cabinets didn’t faze him. Not anymore. Nothing did. He’d been through too much, he’d seen too much, he knew too much to let anything faze him. He’d seen the death of those he loved many times before. Now it was affecting him the most because she knew there wasn’t any point in trying to get his girl back. After about half an hour, Xander walked back over to him. “John? I’m gonna take you home now okay? Schaffer’s gonna stay with you. I need to come back here and talk with Jack and Paul about some things to do.” John nodded and stood up. He felt the heaviness in his stomach weigh his feet down. He couldn’t walk. Xander held his arm. “Come on, John. You’ve gotta go home.” John shook his head. “John, I promise, you’re gonna be okay.”

“It’s not home without Elle!”

“I’ve got this.” Schaffer said and walked over to John. “Remember in dimension 1, where Nick died? And I stayed with you? That’s what’s gonna happen. Zee’s gonna sort some things out. We’re going home. Okay?” John bit his cheek, but nodded. “Zee, behind him.” They both knew why Xander had to walk behind them. Elle’s body was still on the floor. John wasn’t dumb. He had to see Elle again. As they walked out the room, he shook himself free of Schaffer’s grasp and ran towards the scene. There she was. They’d sectioned off the corridor. He moved his hair out of his face and looked at her.

“Hey Eleanor. I know you can’t hear me right now, but I’m your dad. I’m John McNamara, I’m your dad. Yeah? I’m your dad. And I promise you, Elle, you made me so proud when you were still here and I didn’t tell you it enough. I love you so much and I’m definitely gonna miss you. Fuck, who am I kidding, I do miss you. I missed you from the millisecond you took your last breath. If there is a way to bring you back, I will. I won’t stop fighting until you have justice.” He kissed Elle’s cheek. She was freezing cold. It was weird to see Elle lying down without being asleep. No grumbles or whining when she was being made to wake up. No. She was unresponsive. Tears filled his eyes again, realising this was his girl and she was dead. “If you can hear me in any way, whatsoever, just know I love you so much. I know we had a pretty big fight before today and we never got it resolved, but I forgive you. I can’t stay mad at you, but you can stay mad at me. You’ll always be my little Elle. It hurts I won’t be able to see you grow up anymore. If I can bring you back, I will okay? It’s my fault you died, it’s not yours. But God, Ellie, I love you so much. We all do. If I can bring you home, I’m gonna spoil the shit out of you again. I don’t care. And I know I’m protective but I never wanted you to get hurt. And through all the protective barriers I set for you, you still got hurt to the point of no return.” He stroked Elle’s hair carefully, watching her as if he expected her to wake up. He did. No response. He wiped the tears away and he kissed her cheek. “I’m gonna leave you in the hands of Xander Lee now okay? I love you so much dear. Never forget that.” As he stood up, he felt someone watching him. He turned around, but nobody was there. Finally coming to terms with the fact she wasn’t returning, he quickly walked away, almost running, as he wiped tears.

“Dad!” Elle called. He looked directly at her. Could he not see her? Of course he couldn’t. He didn’t have the powers Hannah and Lex had. She heard everything. She was forgiven. She shouldn’t be, but she was. She just wished she could send a sign to him to let him know she was okay. Sure she was scared, but she was safe in The Black And White, and that’s all that mattered. She couldn’t do anything except stand and watch her father flee the scene. He was broken and it was her fault. It wasn’t okay; he was broken more.

* * *

“John!” Schaffer shouted, but he didn’t stop. He dropped his bulletproof vest and his gun to the floor. He didn’t want to be associated with the building that his daughter died in during this time. If that meant giving up the job he loved so much, then it had to be that way.

Schaffer bent down and picked up the materials as she quickly chased after her best friend. She approached the Jeep and hopped in, already finding him in the front seat beside her. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” She sighed. He didn’t react. This wasn’t the John she knew. “You love your job! You’re our general! You can’t just give up now, can you?!”

“I can and I will. Schaffer, this job has killed the person who means the most to me and she isn’t returning. I’m not going back.”

“Yes! You are! We can’t do this without you! Take a couple weeks off, and then come back okay?” John looked to her.

“I’m taking as long as I want off! I’m in charge of that precinct and I decide what happens with it! And do you want to know something, Schaffer? You sounded a lot like my daughter’s murderer then!” Schaffer blinked before looking at John.

“I don’t sound like Nick at all.”

“No you want to say that! But you telling me to take a couple weeks off at a maximum? Nick forced me to get back on the field when I wasn’t ready and my mental health is damaged because of it! Do you want me to end up like how I was, Schaf?!”

“No, I don’t-“

“Then shut up! I’ll be fine alone!”

“No, I’ve been told I’m staying with you.”

“What in case I attempt suicide again? Is that really what I’m defined for? My suicide count? Fuck you, Schaffer. Seriously. Fuck you. I am mourning the loss of my daughter and you are telling me that I need to get back on the field! It’s not up to you what I do, is it?!” No answer. “IS IT!”

“No, sir.” Schaffer responded calmly.

“Now take me home and go and help my fucking boyfriend with clearing up my ex’s mess!” With that, Schaffer kicked the Jeep back into life and drove him home. As soon as they were back, he jumped out the car. No thank you or anything. He just ran inside the house. She sighed. She’d screwed up. She knew she had. She wasn’t going to deny it. Xander would not be impressed when he found out.

* * *

John shut the door and ran up the stairs. He knew where he had to go. He ran straight into Elle’s room. The last time he was here, they had a fight. They had a really big fight. And he convinced himself she didn’t love him. He never got a chance to apologise.

* * *

_“Rise and shine.” John said, walking to the end of Elle’s room and opening the curtains. The sun shone through and the room glowed a faint gold. _

_“Fuck off.” Elle said and threw the closest object at him, which was an empty water bottle. He caught it and threw it in the trash. He crouched down beside her bed, smiling. _

_“We’ve gotta go to work.”_

_“No, dad, you do. I don’t.”_

_“You’re still a Private, Elle. We’ve gotta get up at 7 and in the precinct by 8.” _

_“Fuck rules.”_

_“Can you stop swearing, please?” He said, standing back up. _

_“Why should I? You do it enough.” She spat tiredly, sitting up and looking at him. He sighed. _

_“Because I don’t particularly feel comfortable with you repeating that word around me.”_

_“Everyone else says it except me around you! Why?!”_

_“Because everyone else isn’t my daughter.”_

_“I’m not your daughter, though!” She suddenly burst. “And you’re not my dad, you never will be! And I’ll never be your daughter! It’s been scientifically proven two people associated with the homosexual ways can not reproduce therefore I am not your daughter! I’m fucking sick of it!”_

_“Eleanor! Where has this come from? This isn’t like you!”_

_“Oh as if you’d know me!”_

_“I’ve known you for seven years of your life! I think I do know my own daughter!”_

_“Again, you calling me your daughter is extremely possessive! Do you know who you sound like, dad.” _

_“Am I your dad or not, because if not, just call me by my title-“_

_“You sound like Nick.” John froze. Did he really sound like Nick? Was he really a bad father? _

_“Excuse me?” He asked, trying to keep his voice strength. _

_“You heard me! You sound exactly like him! Stop swearing, get up! You always order me around and I’m fucking sick of it! And don’t even try to say you’re my General either! It doesn’t work! I’m not naïve anymore and I’m sick of being used!”_

_“Where has this come from, Eleanor?! This isn’t like you!”_

_“If you paid attention to me instead of focusing on that fucking portal all the time then maybe you’d understand why! I want you to get out of my room and to never speak to me again! I’m independent and I don’t need you Nicholas Wannabe!” She shouted. Consumed with sadness, he left the room. Did he really sound like Nick?_

* * *

He realised now, as he peered at her messy covers, that he didn’t and she was just in a mood where she wanted to hurt everyone she encountered. She succeeded with hurting him. They didn’t speak for the days following up to Black Friday. Even when they went into Toy-Zone, they either fought or had to act cheery in front of the president. The president didn’t get to see their home life.

Standing in his uniform, he sat on her bed, kicking at the pale pink carpet which had faded over time. He looked to her bedside table. A silver watch lay there. It seemed out of place. It didn’t even read the right time. Beside it was a photo frame of her and John. They both looked so happy. He had his hair in braids and Elle was laughing at him. He still smiled. That was her favourite picture. He felt tears gather in his eyes again. He brushed his hand over the frame and let them fall on to her covers. Her posters were still in tact, some ripped in places. On the other side of the floor was her laptop. He picked it up and sat back on her bed. Her laptop wallpaper was a photo of her and John again, except it was them doing a James Bond style pose with their guns. They both looked so happy. He typed in the password, which was _genniejmac _and waited for it to load. He took a shaky breath as he looked at the word document loaded.

* * *

_Entry 48: Dad. _

_Dear Diary, Dad passed away. Well, not really, he’s trapped in the black and white. They’re gonna try and get him back. I’m scared to see him. I called him Nick. I said he was acting like Nick and I called him not my dad. He probably hates me. I miss him a lot and I don’t know what to do. I’m scared to see him if he comes back. It’s gonna be awkward between us. He’s done so much for me and I’ve done nothing for him. If I can save his life I will, and that’s a General Elle McNamara guarantee. _

_-  
Genny.E.M. _

_P.S: dad, if you’re reading this, I love you._

* * *

He read it over and over again and found him crying and typing simultaneously.

* * *

**Entry 1: My Sweet Elle**

**Dear my sweet elle, I got out the Black and White. The first thing I did was ask about you. Xander said you were coping really well and I couldn’t ask for more. I forgive you about the Nick thing. I knew you didn’t mean it. I love you so much okay? I don’t know when or if you’ll read this, but I do. I love you with all my heart. If I can bring you back, I will. And that’s a General Dad guarantee**

**-**

**General John McNamara. **

**P.S. I love you too.**

* * *

He set the laptop back down. He didn’t know why he tried. He admire the rest of her room. The washing that needed picking up was still lay by her bookshelves, the radio beside it. Her second PEIP uniform was hanging up on the wardrobe. Shoes and eyeshadow palettes were scattered on the floor too. It was a typical teenager’s bedroom. Elle was no typical teenager. She was his daughter, and he was special to some. As he turned to leave, to move on, he noticed words appearing on the laptop. He didn’t dare touch it until the message was done. He quickly read it.

* * *

_Entry 49: oh my god oh my god oh my g-_

_Dear Dad, I have no idea if you’ll be able to see this message but I definitely saw yours. I heard you earlier. I’m so goddamn sorry. I miss you so much. It’s dark here, and I’m alone, and I’m scared. At least you had Ethan when you were here. I have nobody. Earlier I was trying to keep myself sane by thinking of you, and I forgot where we lived. My memory is slipping away. I think I’m dissolving here. And I’m scared. I don’t want to be stuck here. Please help. _

_-_

_Private E._

_P.S. Get off my laptop after this, it’s private. _

John read the message and his heart rate increased. He could talk to Elle, hopefully. That was his daughter speaking to him. He had to keep going.

* * *

**Entry 2: Elle. **

**I’m gonna ask you a series of questions and I need you to answer me. Are you in the room right now, and where abouts are you typing this from? You mention it’s dark…are you in the Black And White?**

* * *

_Entry 50: Answers_

_I’m in the room. I’m sitting right beside you, but you can’t see me, and that hurts. I’m in The Black And White. When you turned around after telling me everything before you ran away and you looked to space, you looked at me and you couldn’t see me. It really scared me. I just want you to know I’m safe for now. Please don’t cry. Just focus on getting me out._

* * *

**Entry 3: Answer. **

**Just so I know this is my Elle, what was the name of the stuffed toy I gave you when you first came to my place?**

* * *

_Entry 51: Answers. _

_Strawberry. Pink cat. Matched the carpet._

* * *

John smiled and he turned to his left.

“Ellie?”

** _Hey dad. _ **

Her voice was muffled. “You listen to me okay? I’m gonna get you out of the Black and White. I love you so much okay? I didn’t want for this to happen I swear. You’re just too damn kind hearted for your own good.” Tears filled his eyes again, to which they were quickly wiped away. “I’m gonna get you out of there. I shouldn’t have hurt you in the first place-“

** _Shutup you’re gonna make me cry. Please hurry. I’m scared and I just want you to hug me and I want to hug you and I want to give Xander a lecture on if he hurts you._ **

“And you’re going to stay with me?”

** _I haven’t left your side. _ **

“I love you, Elle.”

** _Love you too, dad. _ **

Knowing Elle was okay and safe, he closed the laptop and set it back down on the ground. Elle was in The Black And White. He could get her out. He could get her out and they’d be okay. They’d be a family again. He’d promised Xander that he’d stay off the field, but he’d do anything for his daughter. She was counting on him to bring her back, and there was no way in hell he was letting her down. He heard the door open again and Elle’s second leather jacket crumpled on to the floor as Xander walked in. “I thought you’d be in here.” He sighed and sat down. “You’re smiling?” John nodded, looking at him with watery eyes.

“I just spoke to Elle. She’s in The Black And White.”

“What do you mean you just spoke to Elle?” He asked and watched as his boyfriend motioned to the closed laptop.

“Xander, she’s okay. We can get her back. It’s all okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nobody:  
me: this song slaps harder than nick johnson


	14. I'll Never Let You Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> elle,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE WRITERS BLOCK SO I WILL REWRITE THIS AT SOME POINT.

“Xander?” John asked, waking up. “X, where are you?” his skin felt tight, but that was probably down to the excessive crying that happened yesterday.

“Sorry, John. I was in the shower.” Xander said, returning shirtless, drying himself off with a towel. He threw the towel to the side of the room and replaced it with his uniform. John smiled.

“I’m gonna miss you today.”

“It’s gonna be strange without you at the precinct.”

“Yeah, I know it will be.” The two men sighed deeply. They’d never been at PEIP before without each other for this amount of time. It was gonna be strange and hard to adapt to. No more hands through the other’s hair, no more kissing in secret, no more hugs in offices when times got tough. Just John restricted to his house, and Xander continuing to try and get his beloved’s daughter back. “And you promise you’ll ring me later?”

“Of course I will, honey.” John nodded. “If you want me to come home early, I will.”

“Thank you, Xander.” He walked over to his boyfriend and kissed his cheek.

“Hey. I love you.” John smiled and nodded.

“I love you too.”

* * *

Lex was smoking a cigarette outside, Ethan to the side of her, when Elle popped into view. “Oh. Hey Elle.” She said, inhaling the fumes. Elle ran a hand through her hair and looked at Lex.

“I know how to get me back. The Black and White accidentally let it slip. But I’m determined to make sure I can get back.”

“Wait, really?”

“Wait really…what? Lex you’re insane.” Ethan shook his head.

“Babe, I’m speaking to Elle”

“Oh yeah, you have those Black and White thingies like Hannah. Proceed.” Lex shook her head and looked back to Elle.

“Spill.”

“Okay so, dad’s been trying to get the R-3D with the BL-U3, right?”

“Yes, it’s obvious. It’s colour theory!”

“You have to make a new element. It’s called ZXJO3N.”

“Sorry?”

“It’s a compound of half the strings from BL-U3 and potassium nitrate. Successfully, it should turn silver. Put it in the funnel and it’ll spring back to life.” Lex’s eyes widened.

“You’re being serious? This is how we can get you back? You aren’t fucking with us?”

“Dead serious.” They paused and the two burst out into a fit of laughter.

“Alright alright. I’ll go to the precinct now. See you Ethan.” Lex said and put the cigarette out. She was getting Elle back. She was saving a family.

* * *

Xander was looking at his results and was becoming increasingly frustrated. Nothing was adding up. There was no pattern at all. Luckily, when Lex burst through the door, there was no sign of a breakdown on the brink at all. “Lex?”

“Elle just spoke to me. You-you gotta take the strands from the BL-U3 and…oh shit what was it? Potassium nitrate!”

“Potassium nitrate?”

“Just trust me, Mr physicist human!” Xander quickly grabbed the equipment. He stuck his tongue out as he began to mix the formulae together. “It should turn silver.” Xander watched nervously. After a while, the liquid turned from white to a glistening silver. His breath caught in his throat.

“Now what, Lex?”

“In the funnel.” She said, watching with anticipation. Quick to rescue Elle, he poured the contents in and waited. Waited. He waited.

And then the portal opened.

Elle heard the hissing from a distance. She grabbed her leather jacket and got up. She ran. She ran. She ran through the blood, through the souls of the missing, and ran. She located the portal and jumped out. She landed on her feet as it hissed to a close. She looked up and saw Xander looking at her. Xander and Lex. It had worked. She smiled brightly and jumped into Xander’s arms. He spun her around. “Thank you, Zee. Thank you so much.” She laughed and kissed his cheek as she was set on the ground. “Where’s dad?”

“He’s at home. Want me to give you a lift back?”

“Yes. Please.”

* * *

The journey home was pretty quiet. They were both too excited to see John’s reaction. Meanwhile, John had fallen asleep in a turquoise shirt and black jeans. He’d tried to get changed to go and surprise Xander, but he had just given up and fallen asleep. He didn’t hear boots walking up the stairs. He didn’t hear the door open.

Elle smiled softly as he watched her father asleep. He seemed happy, but he seemed tired. Tired of the unforgiving. Tired of the inevitable need that was to redeem himself. She turned to Xander for confirmation. He nodded. She smiled nervously and walked inside. She walked over to her father and flicked his cheek. She watched him stir awake. “Xander you bastard.” He groaned. Xander laughed from outside. Elle watched and waited for John’s eyes open. When they did, he stared straight into hers. Her heart stopped and John sat up immediately. “Elle?!”

“Dad…” She said, all her confidence vanishing. She watched his breathing increase and she leapt into his arms. She felt his arms around her and started to cry.

“Elle, you’re back…you’re-“

“I’m back, dad, and I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have said it.”

“No, no, darling, no. No it’s okay, okay? It’s okay.” She nodded and continued to cry into his shoulder. John just held his daughter. He loved her so much and she was here. She was here and she was back. And it was okay.


	15. All I Need Is A Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John and Xander's backstory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> featuring a quote from Simon Armitage's poem /Remains/ because you can't start revising too early.

Everything was okay. Elle was now safe in John’s arms, like she should have been from the beginning, and for this reason, John had started to recover again. And as for Xander? Has stood at the door, currently admiring his spectacular boyfriend. John had done so much for him, he wanted to do this one thing for him. A demonstration of his love. He found John absolutely stunning, though John would never agree, but Xander knew the truth, and Xander knew how attractive his boyfriend was. He zoned out as he watched Elle pull away from John. She said something about knowing she could have trusted John to get her out of the Black and White. John smiled and pulled her back in for another hug, kissing Elle’s cheek. Elle’s face scrunched up in disgust as she pulled away. John laughed and pulled away, John wiping ghosts of tears away. Elle got up and skipped out the room, leaving Xander’s eyes to fixate on John. He smiled up at him and ran over, wrapping his arms around the physicist. Xander kissed the top of his head. Yes. This was the guy. As John squeezed Xander tighter, Xander was transported back to old times. Better times. The best times.

* * *

_A young man, around 19 years of age, burst into the room, drawing strange looks from the other two. The pair in the room paused their conversation and looked to the panic recruit. He was flustered…and a blonde. Blondes were never the usual type to sign up to PEIP. That had been statistically proven. It was pretty rare to even see a blonde around the precinct, and a blonde had randomly burst through the door. “Sorry I just- Private Johnson told me General Icacks or my mentor Wilbur Cross would be here…but they aren’t…so I’ll be on my way…” Schaffer stood up and walked over to him._

_“Aren’t you the new recruit? You’re Colonel McNamara, right?” _

_“Yeah…that’s me…a Colonel…” he laughed. _

_“Are you still not used to hearing you being called by your title?”_

_“Nope. I’m used to people calling me John, which is my name.” _

_“Alright, I’m Private Felicity Schaffer and that man over there? He’s my best friend, Xander Lee. He’s a physicist here at PEIP and a god damn fine one at that.” Xander offered a half wave before returning to his notes. Schaffer shook her head. “Ignore Nick. He thinks he knows everything just because he’s been at the precinct longer than the lot of us. He doesn’t. He’s an asshole.” John nodded, a sad expression on his face, though neither of the two questioned it. _

_“Yeah. He is an asshole…do you think you could show me around?” Schaffer nodded, a warm smile on her face. _

_“Zee? You coming?” She asked, turning to face him. He nodded quickly and folded his notes back up, sliding them into his pocket. The duo left the room, John trailing behind. “So, why did you join the force, John?” Schaffer asked, heading towards Wilbur’s station. _

_“Ha. Funny story.” John began. “So, I’m not entirely sure at this point in time so don’t consider this as my coming out story, but I believe I am gay. Me, being a dumb blonde, told my parents and my younger sister, Heather. Needless to say, it didn’t go down too well, and now I’m here! With my possessions, and not a place to live.” He gestured to himself. “They’d always wanted me to join the army and I’ve just left school, yet I’m here. In 2002, I kinda got in touch with Wilbur through a miracle and went on some sort of half-mission with Nick. We…” he paused and looked at the floor before speaking up again. “And I sorta need to find Nick too.” _

_“You need to find Nick more or less?”_

_“More.”_

_Schaffer shook her head, sighing, but followed his request. “Alright.” Hearing Schaffer’s response, Xander saw a familiar emotion in John’s eyes. Love. Romance. Hope. It didn’t take a genius to realise that what had happened in 2002 had lead to John and Nick getting together. “That’s cool.” Schaffer said sarcastically, knocking thrice on Nick’s office door. It opened and Nick appeared, John smiling softly. Schaffer pinched the bridge of her nose and shook her head. _

_“Private, Lee, Colonel.”_

_“The new recruit wanted to speak to you.”_

_“Then step inside.” Nick said and walked back into his office. _

_“Thank you.” John said with a smile and ran inside, closing the door. Schaffer rolled her eyes. Xander lingered behind. When everyone else was away, he pressed his ear to the door. “Nick, I know we agreed to work in the same place, but do you have to be such an asshole?”_

_“Yes, babe, I do. If I don’t, people are gonna become suspicious. This is 2006, homophobia is everywhere, you’re gonna get killed.”_

_“But-“_

_“John, we aren’t gonna work if you don’t follow the rules.”_

_“But-!”_

_“Follow the rules!” Xander pulled away and sighed. Relationships shouldn’t be restrained by boundaries. Relationships should be free and flexible. He just hoped John knew Nick’s own boundaries and how far he could be pushed without breaking. Even then, the most common result was Nick injuring someone. Xander had confronted Nick too many times to know that was a correct answer. He’d lost many fights more than he’d won when he went one to one with Nick, which occurred every few weeks. Xander was always defending someone, whether it was a new recruit, himself, or one of his friends, he was just there to prove Nick wrong. One day he’d win a fight. One day. And then maybe on that day he’d be seen as something more then just a physicist. Maybe he’d be named in the official PEIP reports of the year, and not just seen as “X.Lee.” Maybe his name, Xander Lee, would be published for professionals around the world to see. It wasn’t easy for him. 2006 wasn’t a good era to get noticed So he stayed silent when he read the yearly papers and never questioned his general’s ideas. He stayed silent and listened. That’s all he was good for until he was needed. The worst part was he didn’t even mind it either. He didn’t mind not being heard. His opinion not mattering didn’t bother him even though it should. He’d learned not to fight, so he didn’t. He remained silent and hidden. He stayed hidden and watched and analysed because that was all he was good for. That was all he was good for until he met Schaffer. That’s when he truly felt he belonged in the precinct._

* * *

_At one point, after a lot of remaining silent, Xander went to fill Schaffer in on the office’s latest gossip, but instead found John crying in the break room with Schaffer. Schaffer was patching John up, and presumably tending to his wounds. She looked up and caught Xander’s eyes. “Zee, come here.” She said. Xander nodded and bit his tongue to keep him silent. He walked over to the other two and took a seat at the table. “John’s hurt.”_

_“Yeah, Flick, I can see that.”_

_“Nick got physical again.” Schaffer remained eye contact with Xander as he sighed, a growl on the edge of his voice. _

_“John! Again?!” John nodded, unable to lie when the evidence was obvious. “We care too much about you to let you keep getting hurt like this!” John sniffed as a reply. “Please, just break up with him!”_

_“It’s not that easy.” John’s voice quivered. _

_“Why isn’t it? Just say, Nick, I’m breaking up with you!”_

_“Nick proposed to him.” Schaffer huffed. Xander’s eyes widened with disgust. _

_“I’m sorry, what?!” Silence. “Tell me you said no!” Silence again. “John!” Xander groaned. “I’m worried about you!”_

_“You don’t need to be!”_

_“But I want to be!”_

_“Well I don’t want you to worry about me!” Xander ignored John. _

_“John, what this is turning into, it’s slowly becoming abuse! No, slowly is the wrong word. It is abuse right now. Don’t deny it either! 5 years you’ve been with him, and he’s treated you like shit for the majority of it.”_

_“He knows what’s best for me.” _

_“Now that is controversial, isn’t it.” Xander paused. “Why did you say yes?”_

_“Because I love him.”_

_“But do you?”_

_“Yes!”_

_“But does he love you?”_

_“Of course he does!”_

_“Are you sure? Are we talking about the same Nick Johnson? The Nick Johnson who embarrassed you on your first day at your new job by saying Icacks and Cross were in a specific room, pushed you in there and left you when the two weren’t even there but instead was filled with two strangers just to make you look stupid? Nick Johnson who finds any flaw in you or any reason to make you feel guilty or worthless, and when you finally give in to his lies, he slaps the shit out of you? Nick Johnson, who is abusing you, claims to love you when we all know he’s just using you for your title and money! John, pull your head out your ass and look at the facts that are literally there in front of you!” The only sound in the room was John’s sobbing, which had become more violent. Xander laughed bitterly. “You cry because you know I’m telling the truth.” He stood up and continued to walk backwards, still facing John. He didn’t leave the room, however, he hit somebody else. As he slowly turned around, he saw Nick, an expression colder than iron plastered on to his face. Schaffer looked up, holding John tight in her arms, and saw the situation about to unfold. _

_“Don’t.” She mouthed, but nobody saw her. “Nicholas.” Schaffer spoke._

_“Felicity.” Nick said and pushed Xander to the side. He approached John, who immediately tried to fix his posture. It didn’t work. “John. Hey, Johnny, hey. Look at me.”_

_“No!” John shouted, clearly afraid. Nick crouched down to his level. _

_“Don’t do this.” He hissed through his teeth before recollecting himself. “Look at me.” He said, equally as gentle as before. Hesitantly, John rose his head and looked at Nick. “Hey. I’m sorry, babe. I’m really fucking sorry.”_

_“You mean it?” John asked, trembling. Nick nodded. _

_“I love you, John McNamara, and I can’t wait for you to be mine.” Xander could only watch his best friend get carted away by the man who feigned love. The next day, John came into the precinct red, raw, battered and bruised. Nick never stuck to his promises. He wished John wasn’t blinded by love. Xander caught John’s eyes and immediately looked away, resorting to staring back at his notes. _

_For the rest of the day, Xander avoided John the best he could. Then he avoided John for the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that. The days built up into weeks, the weeks built into months. He saw John walking with Nick in the corridors occasionally and his heart tightened. But it was just because Xander cared a little too much about John and it was nothing more. He knew it wasn’t anything more. He knew it. But he didn’t care. If John wouldn’t accept the help he was being offered, then Xander had met a wall he couldn’t break down. He just had to accept the fact that John was done with him just because Xander was wishing the best for him and wanted to give John the comfort he deserved. However, whatever Xander even dared to suggest would be reflected with some petty excuse. But Xander wouldn’t hate John. He was his best friend and nothing more. And nothing more._

* * *

_Needless to say, a few more months after he’d realised they weren’t speaking to each other anymore and had since become ex-best friends, talk around the office stated that John and Nick had began sending out wedding invites. Xander shook his head when Felicity asked if he’d been sent an invite, and had to get over the shock that came when she produced the envelope from her jacket. That night, Xander wet home expecting nothing out of the ordinary. However, when he went home, he didn’t just walk in on a doormat. He almost slipped on something. As he peered down and inspected the object closer, he noticed it to be a similar, if not identical, envelope like the one Schaffer had and it was addressed to Xander Lee. He opened it, curiously, sitting down in the living room._

_Dear, Xander Lee_

_We invite you for the wedding of John McNamara and Nicholas Johnson_

_The ceremony will be held in PEIP Hatchetfield Headquarters and nowhere else. _

_It starts at 9AM and ends at 11PM on the 29th July. The standard dress code included a tux and a watch for men, a dress for the ladies, but a piece of paper cant tell you what to wear. _

_Sincerely, Nick And John. _

_In the weeks leading up to the event, Xander debated even showing up. He couldn’t tell if Nick or John had sent it. He’d had a mental feud with himself over the invite multiple times. John hadn’t spoken to him for months so it couldn’t have been him, but Nick hated his guts…so who’d sent it? Maybe John had sent it behind Nick’s back. Or maybe John was taking the piss a little bit and had regretted even writing the letter; he was probably sitting down at his desk writing a letter of cancellation informing Xander not to go. Sat there rewriting it, and writing it, and writing it. In the days following up to July 29th, Xander waited for the letter. He waited, he waited, he waited, but the letter never came. He pulled his suit out the morning of the wedding and double checked the invitation. He slipped into his suit and went back, thinking about the whole ordeal. Maybe it was some sort of messed up prank made to deliberately embarrass him in front of him, or maybe the date was the 30th of July instead? Xander had to shake his head to calm himself down. No. He was sure the date was today. From what the other agents had said, it was the 29th of July, right? He drove to PEIP Headquarters and to the main assembly room which had been decorated with different confettis and decorations to make it appear as if it were just a venue for a wedding and not where agents would go to discuss murder statistics in the past eight hours. He noticed Schaffer sitting on a row on her own. He had no better thing to do than to sit with her, so that’s what he did. Hearing someone else beside her, she turned to face him. She smiled widely. “Mr Xander Lee? At his ex best friend John McNamara’s wedding to the person Xander absolutely despises knowing it’s going to cause him grief? Well I’d never believe it!” Xander rolled his eyes, but chuckled lightly. _

_“Get believing, asshole. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Sarcasm was embedded in his voice as he folded his arms against his chest. “I’m only here to roast Nick, you do realise that?”_

_“Yes, I am fully aware of that.”_

_“Yeah, so I got sent the invitation weeks ago and I hadn’t decided to turn up until this morning.” He shrugged. “I don’t know who sent me the invitation, but thank god it turned out to be real.”_

_“Well that’s incredibly weird…” She took a moment as if she were thinking before her eyes shot back up. “Oh! It’s starting!” She said and straightened her posture, her voice lowered to a harsh whisper. The ceremony was average. Well, as average as an illegal gay wedding at the time could have been. John looked stunning in a navy suit. Nick was right. His ass did look good in navy- why was Xander even looking there? Xander’s eyes widened as his heart skipped a beat and shook his head. “You okay, Zee?”_

_“Yeah…I’m okay.” He sighed and rose from the chairs with Schaffer. They went to the afterparty and took the drinks on the way in. They sat at a table, away from everyone else and began to catch up. With Schaffer still talking to John, they both found it incredibly awkward when Xander or John were even in the same corridor. Schaffer noticed how tense John went when Xander passed him in the corridor. Schaffer also noticed Xander’s head turn back to see the two of them. She often smiled sympathetically as a reply seeing as John never turned around. She knew John and she knew John missed Xander. As the two were catching up and slowly reaching the end of their first drink, neither of them noticed John tugging his arm away from Nick’s and running to their table. Neither of them noticed when he was at their table either. He had to draw their attention at least. _

_“Xander?” The familiar voice shouted over the music and broke the two of the recruits from their conversation. Xander looked up. There he was. Even in the dim lighting, John looked amazing, though he seemed confused if anything, _

_“Colonel.” Xander nodded and went to return to his conversation, but was cut off yet again. _

_“Why are you here?” Xander scoffed and looked away again. “No! No I didn’t mean it like that-I’m glad you are I just, I didn’t invite you.” Xander and John’s eyes both widened as Nick wrapped his arms around John’s front, resting his chin on John’s head. _

_“I just thought I’d like to see my husband happy again.” Nick said and kissed John’s head. He then proceeded to walk away. Nick had invited him, and it hadn’t been a joke. John remained frozen in place as he processed what had happened. Nick had probably sent it as a joke and not expected Xander to show up, but possibly he hadn’t. Xander rose from the table to get more drink when John grabbed his arm. John spun Xander to face him. _

_“You came?”_

_“Well, I hope not.” Xander said sarcastically, earning a punch from John. John wrapped his arms around Xander, and Xander’s heart rate increased significantly. Understanding the interaction, he wrapped his arms around John. “Hey, sorry we haven’t spoken for a while.”_

_“No! No! It’s okay! You had your reasons!” John pulled away and held Xander’s hands, swinging them from side to side. “I missed you.” Xander’s heart stopped. _

_Oh fuck._

* * *

_After the wedding, Xander hadn’t been able to draw his mind away from John. John and his long hair that he tied in such a perfect bun that made Schaffer’s look pathetic. John and his sky-blue eyes. John and his perfect muscles and his perfect build and his ass in navy and- Xander screamed into a pillow and cursed himself. This one feeling towards a certain one of his friends made him question everything else. He thought back to high school. Before John, he didn’t have a male friend. He usually hung around with the girls and didn’t find it weird. No. He hadn’t found it weird until today. He’d joked with his female friends about crushing on male celebrities. Thinking back, his only celebrity crush had been those of the male gender. Thinking back, him joking about crushing on the celebrities wasn’t a joke at all. He was being serious and he hadn’t mentioned it. Maybe it was because he’d been trying to block the thoughts out, or maybe he just hated himself for thinking that way. Xander screamed louder into the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn’t attracted to females at all. He was gay, wasn’t he? The word circled in his head and it made him feel nauseous. What was worse was the guy who he had a crush on was married to the biggest dick of all time. John McNamara was a gay US Military soldier who was extremely fucking attractive in navy. No wonder Xander cared so much for John and why it bothered him to the extent he’d fought Nick. It upset him because he loved John, He knew that he was forced into a difficult situation where he had to bury his feelings and pray they’d disappear. If he loved John, he’d let him go no matter how much it hurt. _

_As the weeks progressed, he soon realised that he didn’t care about his sexuality. He realised that his sexuality shouldn’t define him in any way whatsoever no matter how many people said it should. Accepting who he was, he came to an even larger decision. _

_He’d have to tell his friends. _

_He shuddered at the thought and dreaded the minute they both took their breaks. They’d still accept him, right? Of course they would! John was gay and they still accepted him after he came out. But he was different. He was Xander Lee. He was supposed to be a scientist and get on with it and keep silent. He wasn’t supposed to voice his opinion. He was definitely stepping out of the blue and into the black. Out of his comfort zone and into something incredibly unfamiliar. He hated it. He was overly aware of John and Schaffer walking in the room. They noticed him and took a seat. However, they started to notice something was wrong. “Xander? Hey. You’re tense-hey!” Schaffer clicked in front of Xander’s face and he snapped out of his trance. “Hey, you zoned out buddy.” Xander sighed. _

_“Yeah, I thought I would. I just…I need to tell you something.” He looked up at the other two before looking back down. _

_“Hey. What’s wrong?” John asked, taking Xander’s hand. Xander’s heart stopped again. Those feelings weren’t going away any time soon, were they? He sighed._

_“There isn’t really an easy way to say it.” He took a breath as the other two cadets waited. He didn’t meet the other’s eyes as he spoke. “I’m gay.” He said, not looking up. Yet. There was silence before John spoke up. _

_“Did you really think we’d hate you for that?” Xander looked up at the two; John was grinning and Schaffer was shaking her head, smiling widely. “Xander! I am gay! I have a gaydar! I married a man!” Xander laughed nervously. There was the problem. John was married. Xander had no chance. However, he couldn’t do much else except wait for the childish crush to subside. _

_“I guess you’re right.” Xander smiled, beginning to relax. John got up and ran to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders, kissing his cheek jokingly. The kiss was enough to make him melt. If only John could kiss him like that every day, then he’d truly be gone to the disease that was love._

* * *

_At the age of 26, John walked…no. John danced into the precinct, his surprisingly good mood shining through. “What’s up with you?” Xander grumbled as he took a seat at his desk, taking a sip of coffee. _

_“What’s up, my good friend and the best physicist in the business Xander Lee, is that I got promoted to a General yesterday and the request for adopting went through. So you will now be addressing to me as General John McNamara.” Xander spun to face John. _

_“Hey!” He smiled. “I knew you could do it. When do you meet the kid?”_

_“We pick her up tonight. Xander! I’m a fucking dad now!” _

_“You were always a daddy…” Xander whispered upon instinct. _

_“Hmm?” _

_“Hmm?” Xander looked back up. “Sorry, I’m half awake.”_

_“No! No it’s okay! And do you know what’s the best part? Nick agreed to leave his gun at home! Nick is actually agreeing to leaving his most prized possession after me at home to meet our daughter! Xander I could cry!” John seemed to be so excited, and Xander didn’t want to spoil it for him. _

_“Mhmm. Come sit down, John. Tell me all about the girl.” John sighed lovingly and spun, falling into the empty chair._

_“So her name is Eleanor Paula Matthews, which’ll soon be Eleanor Paula McNamara-Matthews, her parents died in some bizarre science experiment she was 1 years old, and she’s eleven years old. She has sandy blonde hair like me, blue eyes like me, she’s eleven and! And she likes musicals. I mean, what else could you look for in a kid?”_

_“Eyes.” _

_“Xander Lee, it is 7 AM and you are making sarcastic puns.” John laughed. “I love you. Anyways, I’ll see you later! I have to tell the entire precinct!” John said with a smile and skipped off to find other people to tell. Schaffer knocked on the door and set some papers down beside Xander. _

_“General McNamara is in an all-too-good mood.”_

_“Nick’s gonna ruin it.”_

_“Yeah. He’s gonna bring his fucking gun to pick up that darling little girl they’re adopting.” Schaffer sighed. “But we’re gonna be here for John.”_

_“Like we always have.”_

_“And we’re gonna be here for the McNamara kid.”_

_“Like we always will.” Schaffer nodded. “I fucking hate Nick.”_

_“I know, Zee.”_

_“Wy did John marry Nick again?”_

_“I don’t know, Zee.” And Xander went off in to a spontaneous rant about Nick. Secretly, Xander was jealous that Nick could get the intimacy with John that he so desperately craved. That was the reason, but he couldn’t do anything about it. _

_He remembered the cold blast. He remembered waking up in the second dimension and speaking to John. He remembered asking John out, he remembered John saying yes, and he remembered seeing the utter delight that sprung on John’s face when Elle returned. Everything was okay. Elle was now safe in John’s arms, like she should have been from the beginning, and for this reason, John had started to recover again. And as for Xander? Has stood at the door, currently admiring his spectacular boyfriend. John had done so much for him, he wanted to do this one thing for him. A demonstration of his love. He found John absolutely stunning, though John would never agree, but Xander knew the truth._

* * *

“Xander? Earth to Xander Lee. Helloooo. Babe? Xandy? Hey? Baby? XANDER?!” John shouted loudly and Xander shook his head.

“Ugh! Sorry, John!”

“What were you thinking about?” He shook it’s head.

“It’s nothing.”

“It has to be something!”

“Okay, it was something.” He let go of John’s arms and walked to the drawer. John watched from the door and didn’t process Xander spinning and dropping to one knee, a glistening band in a velvet, black box. John blinked a few times. “John McNamara, will you marry me?”


	16. Only You And Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *inhales* and we're back to Paulkins and Paul doesn't like Christmas.

After a disastrous event a month ago, Christmas couldn’t have come around faster. It was almost impossible for the family to focus on anything but the season. With last minute gifts and the inability to wrap them, Emma had never felt more stressed since her first return to Hatchetfield in 2018. Upon her return, she had to start from scratch. Her parents wouldn’t let her back into her childhood home, so in order for her to replicate that homely feeling, she chose to stay in the shittiest hotel in Hatchetfield with near-to-nothing for months. It’s not that she didn’t like her hometown, in fact it was quite the opposite, but with the experiences she had had there, she had begun to see the negatives outweigh the positives. She’d grown up there and left as soon as she could just to escape the reality that was what was happening to her. She’d settled on Guatamala. It was a peaceful area; she found herself firmly attached to the place extremely quickly and remained there for years. However, after those years passed, she was forced to return home after the death of her older sister. The funeral was not a pleasant event. It had snowed on the day, and the aroma in the room was colder than the freshly falling snow. She didn’t meet Tom, and she didn’t meet Tim. She hadn’t wanted to. She kept her gloved hands in her coat pocket and turned around after a glimpse of her sister and left immediately afterwards. The situation completely messed with her. Her sister had done so much for her, and upon seeing her dead for the first time, she ran and didn’t give it a second thought to turn back. She didn’t turn back. Instead, she ran home. That night, as she was curled up in bed, she vowed on her life she’d make her sister proud. The day after the funeral, she went for a job interview at Beanies. The next week was torture, but the phone call that said she’d received the job made her day. She got into the community college too, but it was in the few weeks that changed her life she realised, though science couldn’t bring a dead person back, she could keep Jane alive through memory. She hated her job at Beanies, but hated it a little less when Paul walked into her store. That shift was the only shift she was grateful for, and every other shift where she got to see him. Twice in one year her life had changed, once for better, once for worse. 

Every time he was in the store, she took extra notice in her steps and singing. He was in obvious discomfort, yet seemed more at ease when he saw that she was enjoying herself. With the event of the apotheosis, and the entirety of stepping into this new universe, it was hard to adjust, but they had each other. Now Christmas was here, they could finally settle back down into a regular routine. They had each other and the McNamara’s and that was all they needed. There was something off with Paul though. Emma couldn’t shake the feeling he wasn’t okay though he seemed to act okay. She could see past the boundaries he’d tried to put up. What was happening was that he had been seeming mildly distant lately and she couldn’t figure out why. She’d tried everything to get him to talk, but she was struggling to receive answers. She’d tried confronting him about it, but found it did nothing but make the situation worse. She’d trying being gentle and he still didn’t open up. She couldn’t do much else except be patient. It was nearing closer to Christmas and he still wasn’t his average self. She did the best thing she could. She talked to him. She didn’t understand why he was slipping away from her. She couldn’t stand to watch him do this to himself. “Pauls?” She asked gently one evening as the fire crackled softly. He hummed and looked up. “Can you please tell me what’s wrong? You’ve become more distant again.” She reached for his hand, but he drew it back. She hated how it was an again situation. It shouldn’t be, yet it was.

“Emma, I keep telling you it’s nothing important. Why won’t you understand?”

“No, I do understand, but I know you just as well as you know yourself. There’s no point trying to hide the truth from me. It’s almost Christmas! We’re supposed to be happy! So please, what’s wrong?” She asked and tilted her head, admiring him. He fell silent for a while, and his eyes dropped so they were continuing to stare at his hands. Finally, after days of trying, he spoke an answer.

“I asked my brother if he wanted to be around for Christmas with us.” His voice was dreadfully quiet, almost as if he were close to tears, and his lip quivered.

“And what did he say?” She inched closer towards him for reassurance. More pauses.

“He said he’d rather be dead then spend another Christmas with me.” He plucked up the courage to turn to face her, his eyes glazed over. Emma’s expression softened as she took his hand. “But when we bought him back, he seemed excited to see me. I don’t get it.” A tear began to fall from his eye, to which was quickly wiped away. She cautiously wrapped her arms around him and felt him lean into the touch.

“He’ll regret saying that. Trust me.”

“Why?” Paul sniffed and flung an arm around her as well, clearly trying not to cry.

“Because…when I was younger, I told my sister I didn’t want her to be in my life, yet she persisted to remain in contact. She…then passed away. I’d have given anything to have one more Christmas with her. Anything at all. But the past can’t be changed, but the future can be. Honey, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but do you actually want to see your brother?”

“Yes!”

“Do you?” She asked and looked at him. He took moments to consider the idea.

“I don’t know.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Well…when we were little, well not really little, but he made me feel worthless after I picked up my first job as a paper boy aged 17. I tried to prove him I was good at my job by throwing the papers from longer distances each time. One time I threw the paper so far and so hard that I tore a muscle in my arm. It’s stupid, but I swore I would never throw anything again.” He took a shaky breath. “When I threw the grenade in the past dimension, in this dimension, whenever, the pain from the previous throw began to form in my arm again and it’s always been there but it was strong. It took everything in me to just not give in to the apotheosis because Emma, it hurt so much, and I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted it to end, and you were the one thing that kept me going. He also kept saying I wasn’t attractive and I’d never get a girlfriend, I’d never get a family. He used to make fun of my good grades while he hooked up with a new girl every day. He didn’t care about them, he just used them, and I’m not using you I promise!”

“I know, honey.”

“And…Christmas overall presents a bad memory for me. The Christmas before Elle was born was the last one I celebrated with Cam. He told me…he got me a gift and it was a ring. It was an engagement ring, if I remember correctly. No, yeah I am remembering correctly. I asked him why he got me that and he said I may as well propose to you seeing as no other man will. That was the first gift I opened that day and the last. I’ve tried to stay motivational, Emma, but I can’t when a memory like that is lingering on my mind every single time I hear the fucking word.” He turned to Emma, more tears frequently falling down his face. “Did I love my brother, Emma? He certainly didn’t love me…”

“You can love someone who doesn’t love you back, but I don’t think you did, sweetheart. I know you’ve been wanting your brother back for a dreadfully long time now, but I don’t fully believe you want him back in your life.”

Emma nodded. “John’s the better father for Elle anyways.” A smile tugged at the corners of her mouth.

“He’s a good dad.” Paul said, not smiling still.

“And you’re an amazing boyfriend. I’ll make Christmas a guaranteed way to celebrate with no negative connotations.”

“It’s impossible.”

“Nothing is impossible if you set your heart to it."

“But I don’t have my heart set to anything lately, Emma.” He sighed. “I want it over with. I hate the Christmas season. Please can it just hurry up?” She noticed he was holding his arm.

“Mind if I take a look?”

“Look at what?” He asked and looked to his arm, immediately pulling his hand away. “Oh…no, it’s okay. It’s just-“

“Subconscious.” They said together. He smiled softly.

“Yeah.” He turned to her and wiped his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Pauls.”


	17. Deck The Halls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> CHRISTMAS CHAPTER :D (enjoy motherfuckers, I'm finna watch twisted)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I WROTE THIS ON THE 24th anD FINISHED WRITING IT AT 22;13 BUT WON'T LET YOU READ IT UNTIL CHRISTMAS DAY GMT. SORRY, I'M AN ASSHOLE :D

Since Emma had spoken with Paul, he seemed to become happier. He seemed to erase any memory of his brother from his mind and focused on her. She slowly saw her Paul come back to life. She was extremely thankful she was able to destroy those boundaries before he slipped away. One morning, she woke up early to start on the food for the party they were hosting at PEIP tomorrow. She kissed Paul’s hair and carefully climbed out of bed. She got changed, not particularly enjoying the thought of having to bake in her pyjamas. She walked downstairs and started making the cakes for tomorrow. About an hour later, while she was working on another item, she heard Paul walk downstairs. “Good morning, honey. It’s Christmas tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I know.” He was mid yawn as he stumbled into the kitchen. She felt his arms wrap around her waist and he leant on to her. She smiled. “What are you making? It smells amazing…”

“Oh, just some things for tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. We’re gonna be spending time with Genny, Zee, Schaf and Elle. Did you really forget?”

“Fuck.” Paul hit his head on to Emma’s, causing her to flinch. “Fuck fuck fuck I haven’t-“

“Pauls, I wrapped the gifts up yesterday. You’re okay. But if you’re going to be in my kitchen for a while, you need to not bash your head against mine, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay.” He confirmed. “I’ll sit down. Babe can I get some coffee?”

“Oh yeah. I’ll make that for you now.” She said and rushed over to the coffee machine. Paul sat down and admired his busy girlfriend. She was wonderful in many more ways than one. She knew how to make him feel better even when he didn’t. Her touch was so gentle and so was her voice. She purposely went out of her way to do things for him that could induce his anxiety. God, he loved that girl. He watched her scramble around the kitchen, doing multiple different things at once, and she only stopped when the coffee machine did. She carried the mug over to him and kissed his cheek. “Oh, honey? Do you wanna help with something? I need you to taste things for me in a second, would that be okay?” He nodded eagerly and took a sip of coffee. It warmed him instantly. “It’s a caramel frappe.” She said and went back to her baking stations. It was the little things like that that made Paul feel loved. ShE always asked. Always.

“Emma?” Paul spoke after a while.

“Yeah?” She asked as she carried another bowl over for him to try the mixture inside it.

“Uh, this may be a bit soon, and a bit personal, but are we going to be seeing your brother in law tomorrow? I mean…it is Christmas and-“ She sighed and shook her head.

“He hasn’t replied to my text. I asked him if Becky wanted to come too! Becky frickin Barnes who saved our lives who I hate the most because of Jane. I just…I don’t know if he wants to see me tomorrow.”

“Well, you gave him an address right? We’ll let John know there may be a few extra guests in case he decides to show up. It’ll be okay.” He said and turned to face her. She shook her head.

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m just being paranoid.” A pause. “Does it taste alright?” He quickly tasted the batter and nodded.

“Emma, it’s amazing, and so are you. Whatever happens tomorrow? It’ll all be okay.”

“Tom? Are you alright?” A sweet voice asked from inside the kitchen. “You keep checking your phone a lot. Did you get an important text?”

“I can’t tell if it’s important or not, Beck.” He admitted, fumbling with the phone in his hands. Emma’s text was still on the screen and he didn’t know whether to reply. If he did, he’d have to go, but if he didn’t, he’d be pushing her out of his life again. The text was pretty lengthy and he was unsure of how to reply to it. He wanted to, but something was preventing him from doing so. He heard Becky fold a towel up and place it on the table before she sat next to him on the couch;.

“Do you want to tell me what it says, or who it’s from, even?”

“I guess I have to if you’re going to try and help me with this situation.”

“No, Tom, I never said that-“

“It’s off Emma.” He said. He could almost hear Becky’s blinks.

“Well, what did she say?”

“It’ll be easier if I just read the text out…”

* * *

_“Emma, come on. You’re gonna regret it if you don’t message him asking-“_

_“Paul, I am fully aware of that.” Emma continued to pace the room. _

_“Listen, hon, just say what you’ve been wanting to ask him since Black Friday. It’s gonna be fine.” _

_“Ugh! Okay.” She said and took a breath. “I’m gonna speak it as I’m typing because I type quicker that way? It’s weird. Anyways.” A pause, but she continued to pace. “Dear, Tom- shit this isn’t a letter, Emma, pull yourself together! Hey Tom, it’s Emma. Wait shit he probably already knows that-“_

_“Emma, you’re overthinking. Just…relax and type.” Paul offered before turning his gaze back to his laptop. She nodded._

* * *

“So she texted me, _‘Hey Tom, it’s Emma. I know we aren’t that close yet, but it’s the first year we’ve properly met and obviously, Christmas is tomorrow and what I was hoping was we could spend it as a family with me, my boyfriend, and my boyfriend’s extended family. My boyfriend’s extended family are really nice, but the only problem is they work for the military, but they aren’t scary. The blonde one has a daughter of his own so he understands. If you want to, you can bring Becky if you really want to. I don’t know, I just want to spend Christmas with the rest of my family. I totally understand if you don’t want to, but if you do, here’s the address where we’ll be meeting. If you don’t want to go, I’ll drop yours and Tim’s gifts off later. – E.’_ I don’t know what to do.” He said and turned to Becky. “Does she mean it, or is she just fooling with me? It’s not the first time she’s done something like this and then backed out of it last minute.” He felt Becky’s hand on his shoulder to which he turned to face her. She had a warm smile on her face.

“Tom, I do think she means it. I mean, she did seem pretty nervous through text, but that could just be you saying it to me. Text her that we’ll go.”

“And you’re deadly serious about this?” Becky nodded and hugged Tom.

“Yes, Tom. I am serious about this. Go spend time with your sister-in-law! She’s invited you!” Tom smiled nervously.

“Now we just need to wait until tomorrow. Then we’ll find out whether she meant it or not.”

* * *

The next day came around far too quickly for the two families. Tom woke up far too early due to an extremely excited Tim who was desperate to open his presents. Paul woke up to an excited Emma. Neither of the families got much sleep. Emma finished baking what needed to be baked as Paul loaded the car up. Midday came too quickly, and the two families set off.

* * *

For one family, however, Christmas was at it’s peak of, well, normality. For the McNamara’s, they were used to being taunted by at least one new alien form. With all members of the family waking up at 8 AM to nothing but silence, they were all thrown off guard. This family was the opposite of normal and were constantly on their toes. For them to have a day off to relax made all of them feel…out of place. Still, they did have things to do. Xander heard John scoff. “Good morning babe.” Xander smiled. “Merry Christmas.” He said and sat on the table. “Someone’s a Scrooge.”

“Someone got informed at…midnight that we are having three other guests meaning someone has to cook more.” John sighed and pulled something out the oven, setting it to the side.

“Are you in need of assistance, sweetheart?”

“Very much so. Make me coffee and I’ll love you more than I already do. And wake Eleanor up.”

“Got it, sire.” Xander walked to the coffee machine and grabbed John’s mug. “So. Three other people. May I ask who they are?”

“Uh yeah, Becky Barnes, Tom Houston and Tim Houston.”

“Whomst thine fuckery?”

“Becky Barnes was the nurse on sight of when Paul and Emma woke up at the start of this dimension after their old one was destroyed. She’s dating Emma’s brother-in-law, who is Tom Houston. Tim is Tom’s son.” Xander nodded.

“So this is all Emma’s family we’re cooking for?”

“Correct.”

“Badass.” Xander put John’s mug on the table. “I’m off to wake up Elle. Wish me luck.”

“I’m wishing for a Christmas miracle my Xander doesn’t get something thrown at him, knocking him out, so we need to cancel all our plans, disappointing the rest of our family and spending the day at the ER.” Xander flipped the blonde off as he went to wake Elle up.

* * *

A year ago, if you’d have asked Xander Lee that he’d be living with his General and his kid, he’d have said you were insane. Now he felt like the luckiest guy on Earth. John and Elle were literally his everything as well as Flick. Flick was considered family just as much as he was. He was particularly happy where he stood. He knocked on the door to Elle’s room. When there didn’t come a reply, he opened the door. Elle hadn’t really been around the family much for the past month, but she’d promised to spend this day with them seeing as her and Jack had recently broken up after a fallout. He gently shook the covers and Elle stirred. “Zee go and fuck my dad.” Came her first words of the day which translated to ‘go fuck yourself.’ Xander laughed.

“Come on, Elle! It’s Christmas! We’re all going to PEIP. We’re having that dinner with Emma and your Uncle Paul.”

“Oh shit yeah. Do I still have to dress nice?”

“Yes.”

“Heckers.” She yawned and sat up. “Tell dad we’ll open presents at PEIP-“

“Elle, that was the plan.” Xander laughed.

“Heck. Oh well. Get out pervert!” She said and threw a pillow at Xander. He laughed and backed out her room, closing the door on his way out. He made sure she was up before going back downstairs. John was still cooking.

“I had a pillow at my face.” Xander said and sat back down at his spot on the table.

“Ah.” John said. “Well, it’s not too serious. You’ll live. I need to change.” John turned and kissed Xander on the cheek. “Keep an eye on the food. If anything gets burned, I’ll kill you and then myself.” He said and blew a kiss to Xander, to which he mock-caught it. Xander laughed and shook his head. Yeah. Everything was just okay today.

* * *

Schaffer was already at PEIP, busy setting up the tables. She’d pushed them together in the break room and set places. John would be at the head, and then Xander, Schaffer, Paul, Emma, Tim, Tom, Becky and then Elle. She had this all planned out. There was a Christmas tree in the corner of the room that had been decorated by her that morning. Tinsel was on the ceiling. Overall, Schaffer was impressed with how much black the room lacked. She, herself, was dressed in a formal green dress fitted with silver shoes. They were all making the part today. She sat down at the table and waited for the others to arrive. A few minutes later, the McNamara’s walked in. Xander was in a green suit, John in a red one (both with golden ties.) Elle, however, was dressed in a long sleeved white, striped shirt with a black skirt and tights fitted with her signature black boots. John also had his hair down, which was a rare occasion. Schaffer raised an eyebrow as she saw Xander smirking. He quickly ran up behind her.

“Do you not understand how hard it is for me to not nail John right now? I mean-“ he cut himself off with a whistle causing Schaffer to laugh. Xander spun away from Felicity and helped put the food on the table. The McNamara’s lived directly next to the precinct so they didn’t usually have a hard time carrying things over.

“Mr McNamara.”

“We’re off duty, Felicity, you may call me John.”

“Dad, can I call you John?”

“No, Eleanor, I’m still your father.”

“Fuckers.” Elle kicked her legs up on to the table, to which they were moved back down by John, “You are no fun even on Christmas!” She joked.

“Your father is stressed, Elle, let him be a General in his own precinct.” Xander reminded. “Felicity. At least one of our girls made an effort to look festive.”

“For the last time! Red and gold eyeshadow counts as festivity!”

“Firstly, Eleanor darling, that’s purple. Secondly, Flick does look very nice.” John said and sat down. “I’m gonna get so fuckin drunk later, babe.” He said and met Xander’s eyes.

“That’s okay. But I’m not waking up to help you with your hangover tomorrow.” John flipped him off as the next set of guests came through the doors. Emma and Paul were decked in casual Christmas clothing, unlike the others in the room, carrying tubs of food. “Oh shit I’ll help-“ Xander rose from his seat and went to assist the other two. He grabbed a few boxes and set them on the side benches as Emma and Paul took their seats.

“Paul, Emma.” John said simply. “Merry Christmas. We have been much looking forward to this get together.”

“He really does not drop the filter outside of work either?” Paul huffed and Elle grinned.

“He’s my dad. He sounds like Captain Holt off of Brooklyn 99.” Everyone started gossiping about said topic and didn’t notice the final guests at the door. Becky had her hands in her coat pocket, the only warmth coming from her scarf, her coat too thin to carry any warmth. She’d have preferred to be in Tom’s arms, but he was stiff and capable of snapping. Tom was wearing red flannel, jeans and a heavy coat. He looked very out of place compared to everyone else. Tim was wearing similar clothes to his father, but was fascinated by the tinsel on the ceiling. Emma was the first to notice them. She smiled awkwardly and stopped talking, looking at her hands. Tom wondered, just by that gesture, whether he’d done something wrong. He knew he hadn’t…but had he? Soon, the conversation drained to a halt. Schaffer, Elle, John and Xander all turned to face the door. John stood up.

“You must be Tom, Tim and Becky. Take a seat.” He said simply, gesturing to the empty chairs. Tim smiled and rushed in. Tom seemed very uncomfortable with this idea. He’d much rather be under the tree with Becky and Tim as originally planned, not at some weird military base in a room full of tense adults and a goofy teen. Still, Tim looked over the moon to be there, and he wouldn’t ruin Tim’s happiness. After all, what Tim wants, Tim will get, anything he wants he can have it. Right now, it was for him to be in a room full of strangers. He gripped Becky’s hand under the table, to which she squeezed it back. He never liked meeting new people. That’s why Jane was so special for him. Jane came out of nowhere and changed his life. With his other hand, he rubbed a scar on his neck. He couldn’t think about Jane right now. Not while her sister was two seats away from him. His breath seemed to shorten as conversation picked back up again, but he had Becky’s hand. Everything was okay.

They all had the option of getting their own food. That was anxiety inducing, so Emma got both hers and Pauls for him. Tom looked up after hearing Becky ask if she wanted to do the same thing. He nodded. Becky served her own, Tom’s and Tim’s. He made sure Tim was okay before eating himself. He never liked eating in a room full of strangers before, but he was more at ease now Becky was there. Becky was different. She was more gentle, she was happier, she wouldn’t hurt him. Unlike Jane. No. He couldn’t think about Jane. Not on Christmas. Two years ago today, he was sat around the tree with Jane and Tim. Tim had a brand new truck. They were happy. No. Tom couldn’t think about Jane. He suddenly stood up, drawing more attention to himself. He could feel his voice shake before he even spoke and forced his complicated sentences back down. “I’m going to the bathroom. Son, be good for Becky.” He said and went to find the bathrooms. He’d never been here in his life and it was like a maze to him. Unfamiliar and scary. Everyone turned heads.

“Paul? I’m gonna go after him okay? Can you-“ Luckily, Paul nodded, a reassuring smile on his face. It calmed her immensely. She stood and left the dining area. She tried to locate where abouts in the precinct he could possibly be. She turned a corner and heard footsteps echoing, so she headed in that direction. She thought she was walking, but by her lack of breath, she soon discovered she’d been running. She saw her brother-in-law trudging down a hall, looking lost. Something was wrong. She caught up to him, but kept her distance. “Tom? The bathrooms aren’t that way…”

“Emma, go back to the dining room. I’ll be there in a second.”

“You’ll get lost. PEIP is a very big place, and for someone like you who’s never been here before…” She shrugged. He sighed and turned around, walking back towards her. “Are you okay? You can be honest with me.”

“Well…not really.”

“Wanna talk about it, while it’s just me and you? I won’t tell a soul.” There was a lengthy pause. The only noise that filled the silence was the sound of their boots against the empty floors.

“I keep thinking about Jane. I miss her so much and it was all so perfect and now…she’s gone.” He sighed and looked down. He felt a hand on his lower arm.

“I miss her too, bud. I do. I’m stupid for not coming to see her when I got the invitation to. I know Christmas is hard because of this reason, but imagine how she’d feel if she saw you wallowing around on one of her favourite holidays? She wouldn’t be too happy. So chin up, man! It’s Christmas! Tim’s been so looking forward to this, right?”

“Right.”

“And so have I.” She inhaled sharply. “Listen. You know I don’t particularly like Becky, but I’m thankful for her for saving mine and Paul’s lives when we first woke back up in hospital beside each other. That’s why I invited her today. But you can’t tell anyone I just told you that because I won’t tell anyone what you told me, Got it?” Tom smiled slightly.

“Got it.”

“Are you ready to go and open gifts? They finished dining a couple minutes ago.” Tom considered the idea before smiling.

“Lets go.”

Everyone was gathered on the couches, presents at their feet, each waiting for the remaining two to arrive so they could get started. Paul was starting to feel more anxious before Emma walked in with Tom. “Dad! Can we open presents now?” Tim asked, dragging a big box towards him. Tom nodded and sat by Becky.

“Go ahead, son.” Soon enough, paper was on the floor and people were beaming over their presents. By John’s reaction, in his Christmas card Xander gave him, their must have been something majorly inappropriate for Xander to earn a slap that hard. At one point, Tim raced to hug Emma and Paul for his gift, which was some tinsel. His eyes lit up and he immediately wrapped it around himself like a feather boa. Tom hadn’t seen his son that happy…since Jane was alive. Yes. Tom did make the right decision, accepting Emma’s request. Now he dreaded to think what could have happened if he’d have declined.

* * *

Gifts lay strewn on the floor in no order. Elle paused. “Hey. Zee. What did you get my dad for Christmas?”

“A ring.” Xander said casually. Bustle began to stir.

“What kind of ring?”

“An engagement ring.” Xander admitted looking at the ground. Elle gasped and stood up, pointing at her father.

“Did you say yes?! Tell me you said yes, I want to be best man.” John took a deep breath and looked up towards his daughter as he gripped Xander’s hand. It was okay. He knew it was. He went to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and you still don't know whether John said yes.


	18. The Light Has Left Your Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has an encounter with two people he didn't want to meet. It doesn't end well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
Abuse  
Alcoholism  
Overdose  
Assault

He took a breath and turned to Xander for confirmation on if he should say. Xander nodded and waited for John to say the answer. “Well, you see the thing is-“ And there was a bang. Everyone looked to the door.

“What was that?” Tim asked, frightened already, as another bang rang throughout the building. John stood up and made no attempt at remaining still. He headed to the door. 

“Get this place on lockdown, now.” His hand reached to his pocket and a gun appeared in his hand.

“John McNamara, what are you doing?!” Xander hissed quietly.

“I said get it on lockdown!” And with that, he was gone. Nobody knew what was going on, but John was the General, he knew what he was doing. Of course he did. It was Christmas and nothing could go wrong. It wasn’t going wrong. Everyone was trying to convince themselves that it was something minor, and the emptiness of the precinct made the noise seem louder. It was probably just a crash outside, or the wind, or someone had fallen over. That was probably it. Someone had fallen over and the echo had emphasised the noise. But why would there be two bangs if only one person had fallen over?

Everyone was trying to remain calm, but for Tom it was difficult. Every shot reminded him of his time in the wars. All those families who were missing sons because of him. It was his fault people lost their lives. Tom felt his blood began to pace. It was either fear or adrenaline he was beginning to feel. More bangs occurred. Tim jumped and ran over to his dad, wrapping his arms around him tightly; Tom hardly recognised it. The noises kept coming and the only thing Tom could focus on was the flashbacks he was in the middle of. He knew that he was there with his son and his girlfriend and the other half of his family, but somebody could get seriously hurt. That someone was the General, the man who was supposed to keep them all safe. What was going on? He could hardly breathe. He needed security. For now, he was safe, and nothing could hurt them. Yet. He hated that reminder and clutched on to Becky’s arm. Becky, however, turned to Xander. Everyone was relying on Xander now. Everyone was relying on Xander to get John back to safety. Xander stayed frozen himself and the room came to a standstill.

* * *

Nearer towards the other side of the building, he was patrolling the halls, his red suit almost falling off him. He’d been tempted to remove the jacket but had kept it on until this last moment. He held the gun in one hand and unbuttoned the blazer with the other. He threw the red off to the side, which allowed him to speed up. Another bang. The noise was louder than it was in the main room. He followed the shots. His black dress-shoes hit against the floor, but with the lack of grip underneath them, he slid forwards a little bit every time. It was hard to keep at his speed when he was sliding down the corridors. Overcome with defeat, he slid his gun back and took the hair tie off his wrist and held it in his teeth as he swept his hair up into a ponytail. He tied his hair up and continued running. He loosened the golden tie he was wearing in case he needed to use it in the event of becoming injured. It left him in his white dress shirt tucked into his red pants, golden suspenders holding them up. He followed the banging until it became clearest in the room with…the portal. He peeped through the glass and gasped. He quickly ducked his head out the way, holding his gun to his chest. “Merry fucking Christmas to me.” He said and carefully listened in to the conversation inside. After a while, it became too hard to listen to and he burst down the door, holding the gun at arms length. The two men turned to face him. “We don’t want you here.” John snarled, not sure which of the two to look at.

“You shouldn’t have made it so easy to access the normal world then.” The taller one said, running a hand through his hair. “Merry Christmas, babe.”

“We’re divorced.” John said, narrowing his eyes. “I won’t hesitate to shoot you. Both of you.”

“But Johnny.” The first pouted. “You wouldn’t do that, would you? Not today.” He had an evil grin plastered on his face. At one point in time, John would be intimidated by such a sight, now he saw it as the norm. John didn’t reply. He insisted on keeping his gaze fixed on the two, worried to draw his eyes away. The first stepped forwards, approaching the General quicker than anticipated. He ran a hand along John’s chest. “You’re such a pretty boy, John. Why did you ever leave me?” John rolled his eyes and pushed him away.

“Because you abused me endlessly, you hated my daughter-“

“Elle isn’t your daughter. It takes genetics to be someone’s child-“

“_You hated my daughter, _cheated on me, decided to manipulate me.”

“That was in the first generation. I could have changed. Do you think I’ve changed?” He asked and stroked John’s hair. He was so close. John got a good view of his eyes. They were a nauseating shade of green. He was under the influence of the doll. Of course he was.

“I know you’ve changed.” John said, never breaking eye contact. He saw a glimmer in the other man’s eyes. A look that was half satisfactory, half hopeful. “Changed for the worst.” The blonde finished. He found himself being pinned to a wall by his collar, the man pressing himself into John’s stomach so he was trapped. “Isn’t this a little drastic?” John’s voice indicated he wasn’t taking the situation seriously which only enraged the first person more.

“I don’t think it’s drastic enough!” He growled and pinned John harder, but the soldier didn’t react.

“Puppy, don’t make the super soldier angry.” The second man spoke. “Drop him and come here.” The first looked at John and forced him back to the floor, walking over to the second. “Good boy.” He said and scratched the first under the chin. John’s face contorted to reveal an expression of disgust. This seemed to please the second one. “What’s wrong, General? Don’t like what you’re seeing? Are you jealous?”

“I’m taken, of course I’m not jealous.” The second laughed and clutched the first’s hand.

“I don’t know why you divorced him. He’s such a good boy. He does everything you tell him. He’s willing to do everything for you. He’d do the same for you. But he’s mine now. Mine, all mine, and I’m so lucky to have him in my life.” He ran a hand through the first’s hair. “The black and white got lonely. Luckily for us, we found love in each other’s cold, dead hearts. He’s mine. All mine. You were mine once, John.”

“And then you went batshit insane after going into the portal?! What did you expect me to do? Declare myself as taken when you were in another dimension?!”

“Possibly.” He smirked and kissed the first’s head. “Be a good puppy and go and get him for me.” He gestured to John. The first nodded and strode across the room, grabbing John and dragging him back. John was, yet again, pinned to a wall by his collar, except this time, both men were on him.

“Take my ex. Fine. You two were a match made in hell.”

“Oh, we know, Johnny,” The first said, “I love him so much. I love him more than I loved you. He’s better in many more ways than one. Wiley can keep it up for longer. You couldn’t last five seconds.”

“Yep. Talk about your sex lives around me. That’s fine.” He sighed and tried to push the first away from him, only to be replaced by Wilbur who was taller and stronger.

“Don’t talk to my boyfriend like that, John.” Wilbur snarled and John rolled his eyes.

“Look, why are you here on Earth anyway?”

“We want a Christmas present off you.” The first said.

“Silence, Nicky. Let me tell him.” Wilbur said and tilted John’s chin up to look into his eyes. “We want to see you. We want to see you screaming for help. We want to chain you up and ruin your pretty little figure.”

“Johnny, we need you.” Nick draped himself across the wall beside him. “We need you _so badly. _Please don’t keep us waiting.” Nick fake whimpered for added effect. John didn’t respond. “I need you.” He said and touched John’s chin. John inhaled roughly and held his breath. That was Nick, the man who had assaulted and abused him for years, but god, he was still hot. “Do you need me, baby boy?” He asked, moving closer to John. “Do you?” He put his hand on John’s waist. John whimpered slightly and his heart sped up. No. He couldn’t give in. “You look so sexy against that wall. All porcelain and perfect. Untouched. Not ruined.” Wilbur moved out the way and let Nick take over. He ran his hand down the side of John’s face. John could feel himself slipping away. What would Xander say? Nick’s hand trailed down his neck and to his chest. He started to unbutton John’s shirt after pulling the tie off. Wilbur watched from a distance. John was frozen, petrified to move. He’d reach for his gun, but his arm was still pinned. He looked down to his belt only to see the weapon missing. His eyes darted to the door, where the gun was hidden underneath the desk. John couldn’t breathe again. He was definitely panicking now. Nick’s kisses felt so familiar. He shouldn’t be enjoying this. “That’s it, John. You’re being so well behaved for me. Do you like this?” No response. Nick didn’t care.

John closed his eyes and tried to figure out a plan to escape this hell. When he felt his wrists pinned to the walls by Wilbur, he felt even more helpless. This time, he felt Wilbur place a kiss on his chin while Nick kept kissing his chest. He hated this, but he was the General, and he was strong. He wasn’t letting this affect him. “You’re a good boy, pup.” Wilbur praised, kissing John’s cheek. John didn’t fight. These were his exes. Once John loved someone, he never really got over them. He couldn’t help but feel jealous Nick and Wilbur were together now. But he had Xander. He had the best man in the world. What was he supposed to do? Wilbur bit John’s neck and he hissed, Nick playing with the waistband of John’s pants. He could scream. He really could. He knew he’d come off worse if he screamed, so he let them. He let them use him like some toy. The room was getting hotter and he was getting scared. He had his eyes closed as another bang ran throughout the room. The two men immediately turned to face the door, keeping John against the wall. John’s eyes opened to see Xander pocketing his gun. John’s gun in Xander’s belt. Fuck, he loved that man. Xander folded his arms and looked at the other two men. John smiled out of relief.

“Hey, Zee.” He said, suddenly looking away. Xander smiled at John before his expression dropped.

“Leave my John alone.” His voice was dangerously calm. If John wasn’t turned on before, well.

“Your John? He seemed to be having fun with us, wasn’t he pup?”

“Yes, sir.” Nick licked his tongue up John’s chest making him squirm. Seeing Xander knocked some sense into him. He was the General. He could fight for freedom. He looked down and saw his legs were free. He gathered the strength and kicked Nick in the chest, causing him to stumble back. Wilbur tightened his grip on John, continuing to lock eyes with him. John only smiled and kissed Wilbur, wrapping his legs around Wilbur’s waist. Surprised, Wilbur moved his hands to hold John. This gave John his arms back. He pulled away and punched Wilbur across the jaw. He unwrapped his legs and jumped down. He grabbed his shirt and tie and ran across the room to Xander, who wrapped an arm around him.

* * *

“You know, seeing you shirtless would usually be the best Christmas present, but are you okay?” Xander asked, looking down at him. John took a breath and threw his shirt back on, ditching the tie.

“I am now you’re here. Give me the gun.” He said. Xander nodded and passed it over. “Thank you.” He sighed and pulled Xander into a gentle kiss, to which he returned it. John pocketed his own gun and held the back of Xander’s head.

“Are you okay?”

“They tried to assault me, babe. No, I’m not. But I feel slightly safer now you’re here.” Xander nodded and pulled away for air, only returning to kiss John again. John wasn’t complaining. After a while, they pulled away from the kiss, Xander peering into John’s eyes.

“I love you so much, John McNamara. When I proposed to you, there was no way in hell I thought you’d say-“

“ZEE!” John said suddenly, looking over his shoulder to see a bullet hurtling towards them, being fired from a gun that had mysteriously appeared into Wilbur’s hand.

“Hmm?” Xander asked and turned to be met with three of four more, each piercing his skin. Xander stood still and blinked, his hand brushing over his wounds. John looked up at the two of them who were smirking, proud of themselves. John sat Xander down and grabbed their hands.

“KEEP AWAY FROM ME!” He screamed and pushed them back into The Black And White. He couldn’t breathe as the portal hissed shut. Xander whimpered and looked up at John.

“Jay-“ He said breathlessly, a tear landing on to the floor. “Jay I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry-“

“Zee, shush.” John ran back over to him, moving his hair out of his eyes, looking at his Xander. “I’m gonna stitch you up. I’m not gonna lose you. Do you hear me? Do you hear me, Zee? I’m not gonna lose you.” Now John was crying. Xander reached for John. John collapsed into Xander’s open arms against his bleeding chest. “I’m gonna save you because I can’t live without you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. You’ve done so much for me.” His vision was blurred and he struggled to see.

“I believe in you, okay? I’m not doubting you. And if I die, it’s not your fault okay? It’s never your fault.” John pulled away and looked at Xander.

“Okay...okay I can do this. I’m gonna…” He stood up, helping Xander to stand. He threw Xander’s arm around him and guided him to his office next door. He immediately lay Xander on the medical bed, tearing his shirt off. Xander winced as his shirt was removed.

“Babe, the bullets got out my back.” Xander said breathlessly. John nodded and wasted no time threading a needle. Xander’s breathing was getting shallow and he was becoming weak. Without thinking, he hooked Xander up to a heart monitor. He began to stitch him up, Xander crying as he did so. “It hurts, John. It hurts so badly.”

“I know. I know. Just hold your breath. You’ll be okay I promise. Be brave for me.” He said. He managed to stitch up all of Xander’s wounds and flipped him back on to his back. Xander cupped John’s cheek.

“I love you, John.” He said. Using his free hand, he put something into John’s pocket. John knew what it was and cried harder. He began to kiss Xander like his life depended on it. Xander’s kisses became weaker and weaker. When John pulled away, his eyes were closed and he wasn’t breathing. John panicked and looked to the heart monitor. A flatline. Trying to remain calm, he pulled the defibrillator out of the cabinet and set it up.

It didn’t work.

* * *

John made the long walk back to the main room, picking his blazer back up on the way. He opened the door and everyone looked at him. “What happened?” Schaffer asked, standing up. “John you need to tell us what happened.”

“I-It was Nick and Wilbur and…they tried to assault me and-“

“Where’s Xander? Xander said he was gonna go and help.” She said. John sobbed again as tears filled his eyes once more.

“Xander’s dead.” His voice was hardly above a whisper. “He’s dead and I tried to save him and he died protecting me and I want him back, Flick I want him back.” He fell to his knees, covering his face with his hands. Schaffer immediately ran forward and hugged him, Elle following shortly after. “He was in so much pain and I just wished he’d have stayed here. I’ve been hurt before, I could take it. Xander didn’t deserve that.” John cried harder. “He’s my world and he’s gone. If he’d have just stayed here I’d have been able to go home with him tonight.” He sobbed harder. “His last words were ‘I love you, John.’ How am I supposed to cope? He’s out of pain and I can’t bring him back. I can’t do it.”

“Let’s get you home.” Schaffer said and helped the hurt General up. They were all close to tears. They’d lost one of the most beloved members of the team on Christmas. As soon as John was through the door, he headed straight for the alcohol. Whiskey in particular. Whiskey reminded him of Nick. He needed to be with Xander. If that meant dying from alcohol poisoning then let it be. Schaffer and Elle ran in trying to pry the bottles from his hands, but he didn’t stop drinking. This time, they caught him as he passed out. They got him in an ambulance quicker than before. This time they’d make sure he’d get the help he needed. They searched John’s pockets. They found a silver ring that just so happened to fit John’s hand. It was that moment, in the hospital, Elle collapsed. _He’d said yes to Xander._

* * *

Schaffer messaged everyone explaining what had happened. Emma read the text to Paul. She seemed as if something were bothering her. Something was bothering her. “Em? Come on. You’re lost in thought again.” Paul put a hand on her knee. “Tell me, please.”

“I’m a biologist, right? And PEIP have just lost their only scientist…I don’t know much about it, but I do remember what Hidgens told me before and…Pauls, what if I try and bring Xander back from the dead?” Paul’s eyes widened and he took Emma’s hands.

“Could you?”

“I can sure as hell try…” She looked into Paul’s eyes. They were both thinking the exact same thing. They were both thinking how Emma was insane. Emma, however, was determined to do this. She shot Schaffer a message explaining. She looked to Paul when she got a reply. “My first shift is tomorrow at 10. Can you drop me off?” He nodded.

They all loved Xander and John in many more ways than one. Now they knew John had said yes to Xander, they weren’t gonna sleep until John was back in Xander’s arms. They were doing this for their favourite General. They couldn’t lose him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we're blaming Eli and my little sister for that decision.


	19. You Opened The Box

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma and Paul fluff  
Schaffer snaps and her and John fight  
Elle learns a secret she should have learned years ago

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
Assault  
Alcoholism  
Hospitals

The next morning, after having to comfort each other, Emma woke up early. She was getting Xander back and she was getting him back the only way she knew how. If that didn’t work, she didn’t know what she’d do. John needed him. Everyone needed him in one way or another. He was a parent and a fiancé to one of the best man on the planet. That man needed to be saved. She changed into a white turtleneck and black leggings. She needed to be comfortable while working. She tied her hair up and started on makeup just as Paul began to stir. “Emmy?” He groaned, patting her side of the bed. Upon realising she wasn’t there, he sat bolt upright. He clutched his heart. “Jesus Christ stop scaring me like that…”

“We’re going to PEIP. Well, I am. You’re just dropping me off. I just need to make a call really quick if that’s okay? Just with…a fellow biologist.”

“Okay, Emma.” Paul yawned. “Can I change?”

“Of course, dummy.” Emma rolled her eyes and worked on her mascara. Paul smiled, feeling mildly foolish. He stood and grabbed a change of clothes, kissing her cheek. He walked to the bathroom to get ready himself as Emma finished getting ready. “Paul, come on!” Emma huffed and knocked on the door.

“Okay, okay! I’m ready.” Paul said and opened the door.

“Okay, good, you’re now driving me to PEIP so I can save General McNamara’s husband!” She said and practically ran downstairs to the car.

“Emmy wait-“ Paul chased after her, getting into the drivers seat.

“Paul drive! Go, go, go!” She said as Paul hit the gas. She grabbed the aux chord just as Schaffer and the couple. “Oh shit, Schaffer- Good morning Colonel, I’m on my way there.”

_“You’re going to need to make a head start, Perkins. I’m in the hospital with McNamara.”_

“Is it serious?” She asked, Schaffer’s voice mildly muffled from Paul’s car speakers.

_“Another overdose on alcohol. I’ll get back to you.” _And Schaffer hung up.

* * *

“They’re on their way, General.” Schaffer turned around to look at him over her shoulder. He lay pale and nearly dead under the sheets. All because of Xander Lee. “They are on their way and I can’t be there to guide Emma. How does that make you feel?” McNamara didn’t reply. Maybe it was because of guilt or pain, but he chose not to reply. “I’ll ask you again, how does it make you feel? That you are supposed to be my General, yet I am having to baby you in hospital again because you can’t live without your husband.”

“I have nothing to live for.”

“Are you being serious?” She scoffed and turned to face him fully. “I would like to interpret that as the truth, but unfortunately, I’m good at detecting lies.” She strode over to his bed, her actions similar to those of an angry bull at full charge. She stopped inches away from John’s face. “Are we not good enough, John? Your best friend, me, Felicity Joanne Schaffer, who has helped you through so many things. Like when you got assaulted. Are you taking me for granted?!”

“Schaf, please stop.”

“Why should I? You have nothing to live for? How would Xander act if he heard you say that. If there is even a slight possibility he is stuck in the black and white, how do you think he’d be acting? To hear his own General say he can’t even live to protect his own force. You shouldn’t be a General!”

“Stop!” He looked at her, pain and tiredness in his eyes. Schaffer chose to ignore both emotions and proceed.

“You aren’t mentally stable, John! I’m scared for you! You’re my best friend okay?! You really are. I protected you through everything and yet apparently I can’t be lived for? I am a part of your force and you have just said to me you can’t live for me. Why? Why can’t you remain alive for me, for Elle, for us?”

“Don’t drag Elle into this.”

“She is a part of _your _force. I trained her behind your back knowing full well I could get fired, but Elle has never been happier. Never. And you know it. So why in hell do you think it’s acceptable to say to my face you can’t even live for your daughter?!”

“I-“

“Tell me, John! I can only do so much as your friend. If you need help, tell me and I will organise it. If you need Elle just tell me and I’ll go and pick her up. If you want anything, I will do my best to make it happen. Why can’t you see that? Why can’t you see I am willing to give up my life for the best General I have ever worked with. I’ve had three Generals. General T.R.Scape, General Icacks and you. You, General John McNamara. My mentor, Alex Hill, she trained me and I fell into a similar situation as you and Wilbur did. She fell in love with me. I came out as ace. She drove herself insane blaming herself for the monstrosity I was and killed herself. I would have saved her if I could, but I couldn’t. I am the burden in PEIP. Not you, not Elle, not Xander. Me.”

“Stop being stupid.”

“Just listen to me!” She shouted again, wiping the never ending stream of tears from her face. “Ever since my mentor died, everything went wrong. My first General vanished. Then Icacks came along and everything was supposed to be fine. I was over the moon when I saw you getting along with Xander. Xander had always struggled to make friends, and me seeing you bond with him made me feel so fucking accomplished, I finally felt worthy. Then you met Nick. Nick shouldn’t have happened. It wasn’t written in time and it wasn’t written in space. You declared Nick your soulmate and became blinded by Nick’s lies to see Xander standing right in front of you holding ice to your bruises, stitching you up, and guiding you through the course, yet Nick was your soulmate. Did Nick help you?”

“No…”

“Did Xander?”

“Yes…” John sniffed. She ignored it.

“Exactly. If you’d have listened to your inner gut instead of your mind and chosen heart over mentality then maybe, just maybe, you wouldn’t be here. We’d be at PEIP with Tom and Becky and Emma and Paul and Elle.” She finally looked at him. “Tom has PTSD, much like you. When he heard that first gun shot, he went mad. He couldn’t cope. Novody could calm him down. He was taken back to his time in the war. If Tom admits to having flashbacks from the war, why can’t you?”

“I haven’t been in a war!”

“You have fought aliens year after year. Whether the alien be someone unfamiliar, like Nick, or the apotheosis slash Wiggly, you still fought a war. So admit you need help and maybe we can change!” John sobbed and covered his face with his hands. “You needed to hear the truth and you know it. You need to step down. Because goddamnit, I’ll be the General. I’ll take care of you and everyone else because everyone in that team is my fucking family. Until you’re ready to see that…”

“Okay okay fine! Fine be the fucking General! You’re right! You’re always fucking right!” John sobbed, his shaking voice muffled by his hands. “Be the General. Take good care of my team because I’m too weak to do so. I want to be what Wilbur wanted me to be. Maybe I rushed into it. But you’re right. I need time off. So please can I be granted therapy or something because I can’t keep carrying Xander’s legacy like this.” They both broke off into heavy sobs as Flick wrapped her arms around him. “And it’s not my fault. I want to be a good father, I want to be a good general but I can’t, Flick. I can’t when I’m too emotional.”

“Being emotional isn’t bad.” She pulled away. “We’ve both seen each other’s worst sides. John…Emma’s gonna get Xander back. I hope you realise she won’t stop working until he’s back. None of us will. But right now, you left a little girl in danger. She witnessed you drunk as fuck on the floor again. This time she isn’t here. What are you supposed to do?” She held a phone out to him. “You message your daughter.“ John’s face showed a clear expression of disgust and reached for the phone. Once he took it, he saw a silver ring on his hand. His engagement ring. He became emotional and loaded Elle’s number up. He began to type, but stopped feeling a sharp pain in his head. Schaffer was talking but she cut herself off, watching John recoil in pain. His hands hit his head and he grit his teeth. “Talk to me. What’s going on.” As the pain appeared to subside, he looked to Schaffer,

“Eleanor…She knows the truth…”

* * *

Elle had gone in the ambulance. When they found her father’s engagement ring to Xander, she collapsed in his room while he was unconscious. When she gathered the courage, she stood and she ran. She ran home. She didn’t message Jack and she didn’t call a lift. She felt a stitch form in her side, but ignored it. It didn’t mean anything to her. She just kept running. She ran until she was home. Her shaking hands couldn’t seem to find the right key quick enough. She unlocked the door and slammed it shut, speeding to her room. She was in her white turtleneck and black leggings. She needed to be comfortable while working, after all. She slammed her bedroom door. Something was off. She pressed her back against her many coats and dressing gowns hanging on the back of the door. Her bed was left how it was that same morning. She hesitantly stepped into the room. All her makeup and perfumes were still in the same position on the left, four shelved, white bookshelf. Her books were still toppled over. On the right bookshelf, her small circular, adjustable mirror stood in view. It wasn’t at the angle she usually kept it. She looked in the mirror and saw, in the reflection, her father’s beret sitting on the shelf. She became overwhelmed with anger and grabbed it, staring at herself in the mirror, holding it in her hands. She became too attached to that man, and now he was dying. Again. She took heavy breaths as she looked at it. His General badge was also pinned on it. She stifled a sob and looked back in the mirror. This time, when she looked, she noticed a hand on her shoulder. A figure was fading into view. A figure she knew too well. She pushed the hand, the surprisingly cold hand, off of her. “Get off of me…” She whimpered. She was frightened and didn’t want to listen.

“Didn’t miss me, did you?”

“Why would I. You aren’t Xander!”

“Oh, Elle, dear, you’re right. I’m not Xander. I’m not your father’s new…boy toy. Instead, I’m the one that got thrown away. How does that make you feel?”

“Nick, you abused my dad!”

“Is he your dad?”

“Of course he’s my dad!”

“Or did he just adopt you? Xander Lee isn’t your father. His name isn’t written on your adoption form, is it? No. It isn’t. Parents include John McNamara and Nick McNamara. Oh, isn’t that funny? Nick McNamara. Now I’m Johnson. It could be Cross soon. Nicholas Cross. Doesn’t it sound…darling?”

“Shut up.”

“Or it could be Wilbur Johnson? Which do you prefer, Elle?”

“I prefer neither. You’re disgusting.”

Nick laughed a laugh of spite, staring at her. “Eleanor, there is something John never told you.”

“He’s told me everything I need to know.”

“What’s your name?!”

“Eleanor Paula McNamara-Matthews named after my Uncle Paul Matthews, daughter to Sofia Jens and Cameron Matthews.”

“But are you?”

Elle’s eyes widened and spun around. She looked at him. She watched the brunette before her smirk and wave his hand a singular piece of parchment appearing in his grasp. He analysed the sheet and chuckled. “Because you see, Eleanor, it doesn’t say the name Cameron Matthews anywhere on here.”

“You’re lying!”

Nick flipped the sheet over. Elle’s eyes scanned it. She covered her mouth, sobbing. “It’s in ink right there! That’s your father!”

“He lied!”

“I know he did.”

“He lied to me!”

“I know!”

“He left me for eleven years!”

“Why do you think I’m here? I found someone new. His name is Wilbur Cross. He’d take good care of you. For all you know, Elle, my name is still on your adoption papers. You’re legally still in my care.”

“How do you know it’s true?!” She asked, no longer afraid. He seemed to soften up. He brushed Elle’s hair out of her face and placed his hands on her temples. She was sent back to a certain day back in 1999.

* * *

_October 31st 1999:_

_John took a breath. Being 20 and gay wasn’t easy. Everyone was closeted. That’s why he regretted that party. Nick had convinced him to go. Nick, the love of his life, his soulmate. He insisted upon it. Nobody could have been crafted better for him. Nobody could heal his wounds better than Nick could. Why did John long for more? Maybe it was because he was new to secret relationships, or maybe because he hadn’t found his flame yet. The party was held at PEIP and John was hitting the drinks hard. It wasn’t fair. He needed to have fun. He didn’t care what Nick said. Tonight was his night, and it was Halloween. He was dressed as a farmer who’d drowned in the Great Columbia River in the 1800s on their way to Oregon. A specific costume, but at least it had meaning. Nick was just a cop, which wasn’t much different than a soldier anyways. He sighed and grabbed another glass. His vision was blurred at this point. He couldn’t control his feelings. It was scary, but thrilling. It was new. He stumbled through the crowds, occasionally tripping, but he didn’t care. With the lyricless music and the intense, thumping lights which would call for an insane hangover tomorrow morning, he was going to dream the night away. _

_After all, it was a party. _

_He didn’t remember how he ended up in the situation, but he was drunk and was currently being bandaged up by Schaffer, who was dressed in a dress. His friend, Felicity Schaffer was bandaging his bleeding forehead up. He must have ran into a wall or something of similar description. He had a bright smile on his face despite only feeling numb and not feeling the pain he should be. He should be feeling scared, but he didn’t. He didn’t feel scared in the slightest. He felt…relaxed. He giggled and hiccuped as she slowly stitched him up. “And a magic kiss.” Schaffer teased, kissing the area lightly on his head. John must have read the situation differently and forgotten one key thought about him. Instead, he grabbed Schaffer and pulled her down. She seemed to look frightened, but he could smell the alcohol on her as well. Maybe it was just perfume. He didn’t know why he did it, but he did. He didn’t know why she did it either, but she did. Schaffer pulled away from John and locked the door. “Nick-“ John whined as Schaffer returned. They were both too drunk to control themselves. They both weren’t attracted to each other either. It was the alcohol that spoke the most. Hair shaped their faces in the dark as costumes fell down. But they didn’t do anything else. They were just drunk and messing around. _

_After all, it was only a party. _

_A few weeks later, John found Schaffer crying in an empty office. He tilted his head. “Flick? Flick what’s wrong?” He asked and walked towards her. _

_“John you need to leave.” She kept her head hung. She was clutching something in her hand. “Now. Please. Go. I’m fine on my own.”_

_“But you’re crying…”_

_“I’m fully aware!” She snapped. “Just go! You don’t need to see me! I’m unimportant anyways just run back to Nick and everything will be fine!”_

_“What’s going on?”_

_“John! Leave!”_

_“Usually I would but…I’m unsure if I should now.” He walked towards her. This time she didn’t argue. “This isn’t like you. You aren’t usually this…spicy.”_

_“Spicy.”_

_“Sorry.”_

_“You mean argumentative?”_

_“Yeah…” He took a seat in front of her. “Come on, I’m your friend. You can tell me anything.” Schaffer seemed to become more upset as she explained the situation. It shouldn’t have happened. It shouldn’t have._

_After all, it was only a party. _

_He helped the best he could without Nick finding out about the situation. Nick would kill him. He continued aiming towards the General role, supporting Flick, paying her what she needed. He’d never forgive himself for what he did. He was gay and she hadn’t wanted it, but they were in this together. She was persistent on the decision she’d made. They shouldn’t have gotten so drunk but they did have an excuse to why they did. _

_After all, it was only a party. _

_The 28th of July 2000 came around. John got the call and drove. He was by Felicity’s bedside. No. They weren’t dating, of course they weren’t. She was ace, he was gay, yet they were in this situation and she needed a shoulder to lean on. She cried into John’s uniform and John helped his friend. His best friend. She trembled in his arms. She was scared. So was he. They weren’t ready for it. They stuck to the decision when the newborn was placed in Schaffer’s arms. They’d agreed Schaffer would go undercover as Sofia Jens. It was easier that way. John McNamara was an incredibly common name. He wrote it down on the birth certificate. Schaffer was tired and weak. She sniffed and looked at John. “Elle…” She whispered. “Eleanor…Eleanor Paula McNamara.”_

_“Flick…” He whispered. _

_“John we’re in this mistake together, okay? You’re the strongest man I know. You’ve kept this a secret from Nick for months which is the hardest thing. Let her take your surname…I just hope she goes to a nice family.” John looked at Elle. She looked a lot like him. As the crying baby was taken away from Felicity, John hugged her tight. They didn’t want it. They couldn’t raise a baby they didn’t want. They were bought back to Halloween. Eleanor shouldn’t be on this cruel Earth. Neither of them wanted it. _

_But it was only a party. _

_Another baby was born on the 28th of July 2000 to Cameron Matthews and a young girl called Sofia Jens. She, unfortunately, didn’t get out the orphanage. She’s still there. _

_Life is cruel. But it was only supposed to be a party…_

* * *

Nick pulled his hands away and Elle’s tears came to a standstill. “I-“

“I can’t lie. The Black and White only shows the truth, Elle. Do you want to tell your father the truth? The truth you know? That I’m not the only person who’s assaulted someone in our family.” Elle reopened her eyes. Nick was holding a green doll out in front of him. “Join me, Eleanor. And together we can prove him wrong. We can show him how much he hurt us. Just join our religion. Join Wiggly.”

Elle didn’t think twice.

* * *

“How did she find out?!” Schaffer whispered harshly.

“I don’t know! Oh god I shouldn’t have ever tried to hunt her down and find her-“

“No, no John you did the right thing, you did the right thing.” Schaffer insisted. “Listen, she needed a dad. And that’s you. She’ll understand! You didn’t mean it!”

“It’s considered assault!”

“But neither of us can remember! We were both drunk out of her minds!”

“It’s no excuse!” John insisted. It was unfair. He shook his head, gently massaging his temples. “Look, she knows now. She was gonna find out at some stage.” He sighed. Schaffer nodded sadly as the door swung open. They both looked up.

“I hope you’re happy.” That voice. That voice they knew so well. It belonged to a girl. A girl donned in a black turtleneck with black leggings, a green stripe along the side. Her black boots had dark green laces, and her hair was tied into a neat bun. Of course it was. “I hope you’re happy now.” She sang. She looked up. Her eyes were the same sickening green they saw in Nick and Wilbur’s. Her makeup was no longer purple or grey or black or white. No. It was green. John stiffened up. “I wasn’t wanted, was I dad? I can call you that now. I know the truth. I know the pretty little truth. I’m safe now. I’m in the Black and White with your ex…boy toy. Yes. Boy toy. Who once was your favourite boy. But what you did is you, for 18 years, created a world full of little white lies. Did you think they’d protect me? Did you? Am I not smart? Am I?”

“Elle-“

“SILENCE!” She roared, a gust of wind blowing their way. It was chilling. Behind her, Nick and Wilbur appeared. “We’ve got a guest in our realm now.”

“Elle you don’t mean that-“

“When the girl says silence, John, she means it. Though you wouldn’t know how to shutup. Always whining and moaning. Isn’t that right, sir.” Nick grinned, his eyes flashing green.

“We’ve got a guest. He’s very pretty. Isn’t he, Nick.” She twitched, watching Nick nod. “Isn’t he the ticket to the outer realm? Xander Lee…that’s right. The man who I thought was the protagonist in my story alongside you. No. I’m not related to Paul Matthews and you knew it. I’ve been lied to countlessly over the 7 years I’ve known you, and I’m ashamed to call you my dad. So, what’s the word? Oh yeah. I hate you.”

John froze and looked towards his daughter.

“Oh yeah. Boy, do I hate you. However I don’t hate Nick and Wilby. They take care of me. Like you should have. But you assaulted Schaffer, who is my mother and asexual, and you are gay. So when you cried over Nick assaulting and cheating on you, you knew what you’d done.” Her eyes wide, she smiled, but it was stale. “You’ll give in to Wiggly one day. Then the world will be at peace.” And they vanished, fading into dust. John could hardly breathe. Schaffer kept trying to calm him down, but he’d lost his daughter. He kept convincing himself he’d be fine and how he should let Elle go, but he couldn’t. It would all be okay. Everything worked out in the end. He’d get Elle back and explain to her everything.

* * *

* * *

* * *

* * *

_Wouldn’t he?_


	20. Something Has Changed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka where J projects onto Paul because holy shit Fantastic Beasts (i'm a slytherin) ANYWAYS this is very Something You Pine Foresque and AAAA i miss that book so much. so have two characters from the original book. enjoy.

Neither dared to look at each other. They couldn’t say the truth. They wouldn’t accept it. They wouldn’t accept that Elle had since found out. She couldn’t have found out. They’d both wake up and it would be some sort of wild fever dream. That would be it. He’d wake up in Xander’s arms and everything would be okay. Xander wouldn’t be dead. He wouldn’t have tried to overdose again. Elle wouldn’t know the secret and she’d be at home in her bedroom on the phone to Jack. But no, Jack didn’t know Elle was dead, but they did. It was particularly upsetting for them all. Elle was a mascot for the team. She bought joy wherever she went. She was worthy of everyone, yet she had chosen the wrong side. John was shattered.

_Zee, if you can hear me, bring our little girl back home, she doesn’t know what she’s messing with._

* * *

Her hand hovered over the phone. Emma was sat there reading the notes Xander had left behind. Luckily for her, he’d capitalised the title and that was the only readable part. She was nervous. Seeing as she was only a newly fledged Biologist, and this was physics, she sought for help. There was one person in particular who she needed to speak to. She didn’t \believe what Paul had told her about him and what happened before in the first dimension with the apotheosis. They had some memories, but they were slowly fading. Paul, however, remembered the apotheosis as if it were yesterday. His memory of it didn’t seem to fade. She didn’t know why. It was unexplainable. It didn’t bother them, though. In fact, it was incredibly helpful a lot of the time. But this man Paul refused to see again. The bright blue eyes, the walls closing in on her boyfriend, the bars crashing down as he was dragged away to a different area in the facility, because of _him. _Paul had always scoffed when she’d mentioned this man, and it made her feel bad about herself. Emma wished Paul was perfect, but everyone had flaws, and Paul’s biggest flaw was the fact he still wouldn’t give this guy a second chance.

This guy had been there for Emma for most of her life. She was extremely grateful for him. He constantly worried over her as if she was his own daughter. He didn’t have any kids of his own and was an extremely lonely man. She was his only source of company. She helped out with him and he fed her. She insisted he ate with her. He had a habit of not doing so. She needed to know that he was safe and secure just like he made sure she was. He’d done too much for her in the year they’d known each other, yet she wouldn’t have it any other way.

She began to list the pros and cons in her head. The pros are that she hadn’t seen him in months at this point. It was the festive season and she’d be able to talk to him. It may make his day. The cons were that there was the risk Paul would get mad for even being in contact with him. Paul wasn’t bad though. Maybe he wouldn’t. He was just concerned for her and she could also understand why, but she wasn’t a baby and didn’t need rules. She sat, her hand hovered over the phone, coming to a decision. She snatched it up off the table and punched in his number, immediately hitting ring.

* * *

An old man, exactly the age of 63, with silver hair and sunken eyes, was experimenting in his laboratory downstairs. It was originally his basement, but he needed to keep his thoughts at bay so they didn’t constantly run wild. For a man like him, he needed complex tasks to keep his mind running. That’s why he chose to become a teacher. It was just fate he became a Biology professor. Sure, he was skilled in Chemistry and Physics, but Biology was his strong suit and he wouldn’t change it for the world.

The laboratory itself was a pristine room with not a drop in sight, not counting the soil used for plant specimens. The walls were white, as were the floors, as were the countertops and chairs. The room was often sanitized and then sanitized again. It wasn’t that he was a germophobe, he just had the fear the apotheosis may be back and he would become infected again. His mind worked in a wonderous way. He could remember everything about the apotheosis. Emma’s injury, his friends ripping his guts away, the fear in Paul’s eyes as he desperately tried to keep up to the beat by creating his own choreography. The apotheosis saw Paul as it’s leader and didn’t detect any faults. Not until Alice came along.

He was finally happy in that moment. He was with his boys. He’d died with his friends and in their arms. The scar across his stomach wouldn’t fade, and it glowed blue when it hurt, but that was out of his control. He took a paracetamol and hoped for the best. He was bent over a microscope, watching a new form of spore dance around in the petri dish. He watched it split in two and almost dance. “Extraordinary…” he said, holding the pencil in his left hand and writing down notes. Everything quickly took a turn for the worse when he saw the spores dance to create what looked like a tall man in a suit holding a young girl in a barista uniform, his hands on her shoulders. He’d seen that scene many a time in his dreams, and was struggling to tear his eyes away. He only jumped when he heard the Alexa notify him of a call. He jumped and pulled away, his breathing quick. He looked to the clouded chambers to the west side of the room. There were six. Six individuals lay in lime green slime in there. He really had to dispose of the bodies at some point. He gulped. “Answer.” He said to the Alexa, to which she did. It was a girl’s voice who answered. The girl in the barista uniform’s voice.

“Hidgens?” She seemed nervous. “Are you there?” He blinked. It had been a long while since they’d last been in touch. He cleared his throat.

“Emma…” his voice was still gravely, but smooth. His exhaustion and fright was leaking through to his voice. He was struggling to patch it over.

“You okay?” She asked, immediately concerned. He sighed.

“It’s…a long story.” A short silence.

“I need your help.” _Oh. _“I uh…a close friend of ours, John McNamara…his fiancé just died. I’m gonna try and bring him back.”

“So…you need my help because…?”

“The fiancé is a physicist and he has doctor’s handwriting. It’s pretty similar to yours.” She laughed softly. Hidgens’ heart panged with guilt. That laugh that he’d longed to hear was right there, yet out of his reach. “I just…I need you to help me decipher it. Then we’ll be one step closer to bringing him back and saving my friend and-“

“Where’s the location, dear?” He couldn’t help it. She was his daughter in his eyes. Nothing would change that. She said the direction. “I’ll be there soon.” And he hung up. He could hear Emma’s smile through the silence. He looked back to the chambers. He walked to the end one. The man inside had soft red hair and vibrant green eyes that were once filled with life. Now they were closed. There was a stream of never ending blood that fell from his mouth. At the bottom of the preserving gel, the colour was more brown than lime green, being stained by the blood. Hidgens shook slightly and leaned against the chamber. “I miss you.” He whispered, “I miss you a lot. I’ll get you back. Emma, remember Emma? She’s just asked me to go over to her workforce. She’s trying to find a cure to bring someone back from the dead. Maybe I can do that with you guys?” He sniffed. “I’m so sorry, babe. I love you forever and always.” He gulped nervously and stood back up. He looked away from the six figures, flicked off the lights, and went to sanitize his hands on the way out.

* * *

Emma had insisted on going to PEIP early today. Of course, he didn’t blame her for doing so. She was Emma Perkins and she was persistent on helping her friends. She’d always been like it. He wasn’t upset by it, in fact, it was the opposite. He loved watching her flourish in the area found her comfort. He missed her when she wasn’t home, but he wasn’t one to restrain her. He wasn’t toxic. He let her have her freedom. He still wasn’t keen on the idea of the professor, but he wouldn’t stop her from seeing him. He knew about their close bond. He also knew how attached she got. It wasn’t a negative in his eyes. It was a positive. He smiled at the thought and loaded his laptop. He was due to start his job back up with CCRP soon. He’d missed it, but had been granted leave for a few months due to injuries he’d obtained. He couldn’t wait to be back. He’d be able to see people he never thought he’d miss, such as Ted and Mr Davidson. He smiled. He missed his crazy colleagues.

Still, he got prepared to work by starting on a new article. It was “101 things wrong with Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them: Crimes Of Grindelwald.” Emma had sorted Paul using Pottermore and he’d come out as Gryffindor. However, when he retook it, he got Hufflepuff. He felt Hufflepuff suited him best and stayed with it. Newt Scamander was a Hufflepuff, and for Paul to have to do an article based on part of the franchise made him insanely happy. It was a cold day and he was in his red Christmas sweater. His argument was w_hy just wear Christmas clothing in December when you can wear it all year round and not complain? It’s warmer than the average sweater anyways. _He took a sip of coffee and got his head in the game when rain began to lash down on the windows. Despite Paul’s apparent grumbling, he began to write.

About half an hour in, there was a knock at the door. Paul furrowed his eyebrows and stood up. He answered the door. He hadn’t expected _her _to be there. Her brunette curls were soaking wet and sticking to her face. Her pink cardigan was soaked through to the bone, and she was only in a skirt. Her bottom lip shook. Maybe it was because she was about to start crying, or maybe it was from the cold, but she was there. She sniffed and wiped her nose. They both stood there in silence. He looked in her hand to see her clutching the handle of a suitcase. “Um…dad and I, we got in a fight and…Deb she and I had a fight and…don’t turn me away-“ she dropped her suitcase and sobbed into her hands. Paul looked at her and was dragged to reality. He wrapped his arm around her and helped her inside.

“You take a seat, okay? I’ll grab a spare change of clothes for you. Oh, you poor dear…” He said, sympathising with her. He ran off to find things that may possibly be able to warm her up. When he returned, she’d huddled herself under a blanket, sniffling. Paul sat beside her. “Are you okay, Alice?”

“No.” She mumbled. “Everything hurts and nobody would give me a lift over here and I spent all my money on Deb’s birthday presents so I couldn’t call a cab and-“

“Where’s your phone?”

“Dad confiscated it. I don’t wanna live with my mom, Uncle Bean. I wanna live with him yet he upset me…can I stay?” Paul sighed.

“How about we start from the beginning okay? Tell me what happened.”


	21. Tomorrow Won't Come

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big Sad Boy Hours with Henry Hidgens

“So I got home late today from school because I went to those see Deb, Deb felt really low that day and I thought that she'd want to see me. I got to her house and I go to see her and she got really upset at me, telling me I never listen to her and I do listen to her! And she said I was always there and I couldn't leave her alone but nowhere in the fight had she asked me to leave her alone. I asked why she said that and she told me she texted me about it.”

“But you don't have a phone.”

“Exactly. So I told her I didn't have my phone and we ended up shouting at each other and I got really upset and I ran home. Obviously dad still doesn't like Deb too much so when I asked him for my Phone back, he got really suspicious. I was honest with him and I said that Deb had messaged me and it was important. He lectured me about Deb and brought Grace back into this and I run upstairs packed, and ran. Then I asked everyone I came across if they knew where you lived.”

“And you're here now and you’re safe,” Paul said placing a hand on his goddaughter's knee. “You listen to me now, okay? My girlfriend, Emma, I'm gonna go pick her up at 5:00 tonight from her work and you, my dear, are welcome to stay as long as you would like.” He said. Alice nodded.

“Thank you.”

“Use my phone for now and message Deb explaining your current situation. You’re going to end up just fine. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.” He smiled softly. “Now I'm gonna make a call on the house phone. You make yourself at home.” And with that, Paul left the room.

* * *

Hidgens had never particularly enjoyed driving. He preferred it when you had to walk everywhere. There wasn’t any talk of climate change or annoying Greenpeace workers in your face asking you to ‘save the turtles.’ It was starting to get annoying. He knew, as soon as the industrial revolution hit, the earth’s climate had been increasing. He’d been aware of it for years, yet nobody else was. Nobody else bothered until it was a trend and then wondered why scientists got annoyed frequently.

It wasn’t just scientists who got annoyed. It was scientist’s friends as well, or, in his case it was. The “Workin Boys,” they labelled themselves. It consisted of Greg Tarris, Steve Marcus, Stu Fields, Mark Harris, Leighton Sommerfeld and…Hidgens shook his head and continued to drive. He couldn’t think about them now, not when someone’s life was at risk. He was getting weaker as a person, and therefore had less of a capability to function and stay focused on one project. His boyfriend would have said he should “sit his ass down and let himself be jerked off by life,” but he was dead. And it was Hidgens’ fault. Hidgens could see his vision blur and feel the heat in his eyes. Stubbornly, he wiped his tears away. The incident had happened 30 years ago. He should have moved on.

Why couldn’t he move on? 

Hidgens ignored his own hatred towards himself and pulled up to the building. The building made of faded red brick shaped like a school with the word _PEIP _engraved in silver on a plaque on the front. The doors were made of a brown oak. He could already feel the texture on the palm of his hand. How he hated being here. How he hated being here without _him. _He parked the car in the same spot he used to all those years ago, yes, the same spot, three from the west side of the parking lot. He unlocked the car and threw his keys in his blazer pocket. Nothing had changed except the colours, which were faded. He pushed open the door and stepped inside. The carpet was now a light grey instead of black, but the walls remained black. He approached the check in desk. It wasn’t occupied. It never was. To the left of the screen was a memorial for those who died in service.

_Colonel Alex Hill:_

_November 17th 1989 – December 3rd 2011_

_Miss Alex Hill was one of PEIP’s supreme mentors and guidance officers. She was always ready to sacrifice herself to save friends and family. She trained 48% of our current staff with there being 3 different mentors between the team. We will carry out her legacy and she will be missed. _

_General Icacks:_

_December 3rd 1959 – July 6th 2011_

_General Icacks continued our first General’s legacy throughout the years he worked here. He was a mysterious man with an amazing family who helped him get to the spot he needed. He hired all the right team and we wish him luck in the afterlife. _

_Xander Lee:_

_August 7th 1986 – December 25th 2018_

_Xander Lee was one of our best physicists here. He always brightened up a room with his spontaneous dancing or jokes. He never failed to make anyone feel better. He cared deeply for the current General, John McNamara and held a strong friendship with Schaffer and residents such as Paul Matthews, Emma Perkins and Becky Barnes. His passion was physics and he never stopped to work. We will miss him and his contagious laugh. We won’t stop until he’s home._

* * *

On the right side of the board were only two sheets. Two missing person reports. Curiosity got the better of him and he began to read.

** _Wilbur Cross:_ **

** _Height: 6”1_ **

** _Age: 31_ **

** _Hair Colour: Brown_ **

** _Eye Colour: Grey_ **

** _Distinct Feature: Scar on left arm_ **

** _Last Seen: November 11 2005_ **

** _If you have any information as to Mr Cross’ whereabouts, contact General Icacks. He is a dangerous man. Do not approach. _ **

And there was one more letter.

** _Chadwick Hidgens:_ **

** _Height: 5”8_ **

** _Age: 31_ **

** _Hair Colour: Red_ **

** _Eye Colour: Green_ **

** _Distinct Feature: Friendly Smile, bright eyes_ **

** _Last Seen: July 28th 1986_ **

** _Colonel Chadwick Davis is one of the best here at PEIP. He is a good friend to his mutual and an amazing husband to Professor Henry Hidgens. Though he faces homophobia commonly around the precinct and we have to give him warnings, he never looks down at others with hatred. We, as a team, have fired him countless times yet he still shows up to work the next day, determined to fight for his country. He is a friend to everyone he meets. If found, please contact General T.R Scape at 12 Moonfelt Lane, Hatchetfield, New York by handwritten letter. _ **

** _Thankyou, General T.R Scape. _ **

Hidgens, with shaking hands, lifted the photo attached to the missing person report. It was of them in a late august evening on the football field when they were 17. They all seemed… so alive. Chad was to the left of Hidgens, Hidgens leaning on Chad’s shoulder, Greg on Chad’s back. Leighton had thumped Hidgens on the back, earning a scournful look from Hidgens. Steve, Stu and Mark were laughing in the background. Hidgens clutched the photo. Though the colour was faded, just like the rest of the building, his memory hadn’t. He wiped his eyes with his right hand and clutched the photo tighter with his left. He knew what had happened to Chad. He knew what had happened for 31 years come the 28th July 2019.

* * *

_“So, Greg,” a 17 year old Chad Davis said, jumping on to the couch, legs sprawled out. “We’ve still got another kid coming? But there’s like…12 of us.”_

_“There’s 7 of us including Henners.” Greg said and pushed Chad’s legs off the couch. Chad smiled and sat up. “He’s shy so don’t pressure him.”_

_“And you’re telling me you know this new kid?” The red haired man asked with too much enthusiasm. Greg rolled his eyes as the door opened. The other 5 members of the house were settling into their rooms leaving Greg and Chad downstairs. Greg, Chad…and Henry. Chad looked up to the kid holding a large silver suitcase. He had curly brown hair and soft pale skin. He was tall…very tall, and Chad’s jaw dropped. _

_“Henners!” Greg jumped up. “How are you man? Long journey.”_

_“You could say that.” The boy’s lip curled up in to a curious smile as he stepped inside. “How’s your family?” The new kid asked, reaching into his pocket. _

_“They’re good. And what about you?”_

_“I still wish they were dead.” Greg laughed at the other boy’s remark. _

_“Oh! Hen, that’s Ch-“_

_“Chad. My name’s Chad Davis.” Chad quickly rose from the bed and walked toward the curly haired boy with an outstretched hand. _

_“Henry. Henry Hidgens.” Henry said and took Chad’s hand, shaking it firmly. Chad nodded as an approval of Hidgens. _

_“Okay okay stop swarming my best friend. Hen, your room is the first on the left. It’s got a window.” Greg lowered his voice to a whisper and watched Henry’s eyes light up. _

_“Thank God!” Henry sighed, smiling. “Because I have been four days without a cigarette. So I’ll be down in like…whenever dinner’s done or whatever college kids do. Anyways see you later!” Henry flipped Greg off, dragging his suitcase behind him. Chad couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Greg smirked. _

_“His eyes are on his head, not his ass.” Greg said and sat back down on the couch, leaving Chad a semi-blushing mess. _

* * *

_You’d have thought for someone as geeky as Henry when it came to science, they would have been innocent. In fact, the Workin Boys were quick to discover it was quite the opposite. Henry wore leather, dyed his hair within the first week from brown curls to silver (which suited him more, by the way,) smoke, swore, drank, whatever you’d thought a Grade A student would not do. But there was a reason for it all. _

_It was about mid way through the semester and Chad had jokingly put his arm round Henry’s waist. Henry felt his heart tense and his breath hitch. He coughed to cover it up. There was something more there than friendship and Henry could feel it. Your heart shouldn’t go this fast just from a platonic touch. He excused himself and walked to his room, locking the door. He had to figure it out. Sure, Chad had nice hair and stunning eyes and a cute smile and an amazing body and, who knows? Maybe Henry had imagined Chad shirtless once or twice, but it didn’t mean anything, did it? Henry collapsed on to his bed, his head spinning. _

_He was gay. _

_The realisation hit him like a truck and he didn’t realise the tears for a while. When he did, he turned over and allowed himself to cry into his pillow. He couldn’t be gay. His parents hated him enough, he couldn’t let his friends hate him too. No, it couldn’t happen. And for once in his life, Henry had to admit he was feeling pure fear. What was he gonna do? _

* * *

_They were all opting for Bachelor degrees, Henry’s in science, Chad opting for the military but deciding live with the boy’s anyways, and therefore faking a degree in business, Greg in business, Steve in business, everyone else in business. It was the end of the first year and they were 17. They were all outside on the football field. Henry was still closeted. So was Chad. Henry had been leaning on Chad, Leighton thumping his back. Lay was quick to discover things. He knew about Henry, and he’d kept a secret. Henry blushed and walked away. “Is he okay?” Chad asked and pushed Greg off of him, earning a dismal groan for effect. Nobody answered. “Stay here! I’ll be out to play again in a second!” Chad shouted and walked inside. He could hear the cries before he saw Henry. He looked to the couch and saw him, head in hands, upset. Chad wondered if it was something he’d done. _

_He walked over to Henry. He wasn’t noticed. “Henry?” he asked softly, and Henry jumped. _

_“Please go.” He said, not looking up._

_“I’m not going anywhere, fox.” He said and sat down by him. Fox was the nickname Henry had earned based on his hair colour because silver foxes exist, according to henry, who went on a tangent about them. “It’s just me. The boys are outside playing…wanna join?”_

_“I know the boys were outside! I was there, Chad!” He said. Chad finally learned the darker side of Henry. He had quite a temper. _

_“What’s wrong? Is it something I did?”_

_“N-Maybe.” _

_“No?”_

_“Chad just leave me alone!”_

_“I’m not gonna leave my friend alone when he’s upset!” Chad was determined to push through, to find out the truth. “So please-“_

_“No!”_

_“-tell me what’s up!”_

_“Fuck off, Chad!” henry stood up and headed for the alcohol cabinet. Chad skidded along the carpet and stopped him. _

_“Don’t get drunk now.” He grabbed Henry’s shoulder, but Henry shrugged him off. “What’s going on?” _

_“I won’t be telling you any time soon.” He said and pushed Chad out of the way, heading toward the stairs. _

_“Henry!” Chad sighed. “Please! I only want to help!”_

_“Well, it’s lucky for you I don’t need help then, isn’t it?” _

_Chad scoffed. “You're being worse than usual.” _

_“Well, I don't think I am. You don't have the right to tell me whether I'm being worse than usual or not.” _

_“No, but I can make interpretation.” _

_“But you don't need to make interpretation when I am telling you that I am clearly fine!” _

_“You are clearly not fine. You were heading towards those stairs in a mood.”_

_“In a mood?” Henry raised an eyebrow. That was particularly confident of Chad. _

_“Yeah. And quite frankly I'm pretty worried about you because today is the last day of semester slash year and you stormed off the football field which I know you love to do. I know you love to play football and you have decided to head to the alcohol cupboard and you have decided to go upstairs and-“ he cut himself off, utterly defeated. He looked at Henry. “You look broken, man.” _

_This seemed to make Henry stop in his tracks. “What did you say?” _

_“I said you look broken because you do! Almost like you’re hiding something from the boys and I.”_

_“I haven't been hiding anything.” _

_“Anything? Are you sure?” _

_“Yes, I'm sure!” _

_“So why don't I believe you?” _

_“Because you usually don't believe me. That's your problem. You don't know when to start or when to stop or just went to stay silent because you always have to have a word in!”_

_“I do not!”_

_“Yes you do!” Henry said and finally turned around to look at Chad. “But you know what, Chad? Do you know what?”_

_“What.” His voice was monotone. _

_“I can’t seem to get over myself. Because…it doesn’t matter.”_

_“No. It matters if you are upset, Henry. You’re my friend.” Henry’s lip curled. _

_“That’s a first.” _

_“Just tell me, please!”_

_“I can’t because one, it’s against the law and two, it’s hardly unlikely you-“_

_“I what?” there was a long pause. _

_“Chad…” Henry’s tone was very different. “I…” he gave up and sat on the couch. “I’m gay.” Chad seemed to freeze then. _

_“Oh.”_

_“And I like you.”_

_“Oh?” _

_“Like…I want to kiss you.”_

_“Really?” Henry nodded. Chad walked away from the cupboard and next to Henry. “Can I kiss you then?”_

_Henry’s eyes lit up and he looked at Chad, nodding eagerly. Chad smiled and kissed Henry softly. They both got lost in each other’s movements for a while. When they pulled away, they were giggling nervously until Henry looked up, eyes wide. Chad turned to the door to see everyone standing there, gobsmacked. “Um…” _

_“Guys, we get it. We don’t give a fuck who you’re fucking, but uh….yeah Lay you owe me $10-“ and then Greg ran up the stairs. Chad smiled at Henry as the boys went their separate ways. Chad was the first to speak up. _

_“Boyfriend?”_

_“I’d like that.”_

* * *

_But that was when they were 17. The year wasn’t 1971 anymore. It was 1986, and Chad had been complaining about major migraines lately. One morning, he woke up to Chad convulsing next to him. He was pale and sweating, unlike any symptom Henry had ever seen before. “Chad?” Henry asked, immediately concerned. Chad didn’t seem to register Henry was even awake. He was gasping for air. Henry picked Chad up and took him to his lab in their home. The home Greg, Steve, Stu, Mark and Leighton had moved out of. He lay Chad on the table as his mouth began to bubble with blood. Henry remained calm and stroked Chad’s hair, working. “Shh shh baby shh…” he said, hoping to calm his boyfriend down. Chad made a retching noise and flipped on to his side. Henry moved out of the way as a vomit like consistency fell from Chad’s mouth. Henry hadn’t ever seen a scene like it. He was repulsed, but this was Chad. He continued to stroke Chad’s browning hair, planting a kiss on his head. When Chad seemingly came to, he was tearful. Henry grabbed a tissue and wiped Chad’s mouth. “Gentle.” He said and helped Chad sit up. Chad wrapped his arms around his scientist boyfriend. _

_“I made such a mess…”_

_“That wasn’t your fault.” He said and continued to stroke Chad’s hair. “I don’t know what it was, but that was more than a migraine.”_

_“Y-yeah…Hen, I’m scared.” Chad buried his face deeper into Henry’s chest. “I don’t wanna die.”_

_“You aren’t gonna die.”_

* * *

_Henry had never learnt to not make promises. Over the course of three days, his friends had come to him with the same symptoms. He was constantly working. He ended up putting them in oxygen chambers for their best chance of survival. He didn’t think it was serious until Stu died. Stu died with his neck bent at an odd angle and blood in his eyes. Henry seemed to go quiet when he didn’t see a heartbeat on the screen outside the chamber. He exited the room. “Is he okay?” Greg asked the other boys. They all shrugged. Chad began to call for Henry before he came back in, a bag of preserving gel in his hands. He poured it into Stu’s chamber and watched it turn green. _

_“He’s dead.” Henry said in the most unaffected voice he could. “Stu’s dead.” This seem to upset the boys more and more. The next to go was Mark the night after, then Steve, then Leighton. It was just Greg and Chad left. For a couple of weeks, they watched him work. He didn’t sleep or eat and go significantly tired and thinner. The remaining two slipped away into death in the middle of the night. Henry contemplated joining them, but knew he had better things to do. He examined it and realised some time in their history the world would become a musical. On the 28th July 2018, his theory came true. He was reunited with Greg and Stu…but not Chad._

* * *

Henry let himself cry. He missed his boys. He gripped the photo tight as he felt a hand on his arm. “Professor? Are you okay?”

“I know what happened to this man. He…he was gonna be my husband…and he’s in the preserving gel in my basement so god, please, if we can get a cure, I have 6 men who need reviving.” Emma nodded and lead him into Xander’s office.

Hopefully, it would be okay.


	22. Made In America

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They Opened The Box.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song Featured:  
Funhouse: P!nk

“Sit down there.” Emma said, already pushing Hidgens into the chair. “And tell me what’s going on.” She noticed how tense he was, and she never thought she’d ever see her former professor like this. He shook his head, almost determined not to speak about it. She could see how much he was hurting. She’d been there many of a time. She’d been there with her rare fights with Paul, the loss of her sister, the loss of her family. She’d been there and she’d accepted his help. It was time he accepted hers. “Professor, please don’t shake your head at me. This is important. You can’t be working while you’re like this. You need to take a breath and collect yourself. I need you to be in the right headspace to work, and you clearly aren’t.” She said, pulling up a chair to sit beside him. Another round of sobs racked his body, and Emma instinctively launched herself at him.

“This isn’t your fault, Emma, dear. It’s just that…I was walking into the building to work here…my ex used to work here. He was on the missing board. He isn’t missing. I know where he is. He-he’s dead in my basement and I couldn’t stop them from dying, there were 6 of them and I couldn’t stop them from dying, Emma.” Hidgens cried. “I just wish I could have worked quicker, worked harder, worked stronger. Then maybe he’d still be alive and working here. Maybe he’d still be happy. Maybe we’d finally be married!” Any other noise was drowned out by the elderly man’s sobs. Emma rested her head against his chest, gently rubbing his back. “You never got to meet him…” he said as he slowly started calming down. “You were born just months after he died…You’d have loved him.” Henry seemed to smile at the thought. “He…he used to smoke weed. A lot. We were all frat boys but while I got drunk, he got stoned. He was funny when he was high. He used to come up with all sorts of random equations and-and even at one point, he tried to convince me trees didn’t exist.” Emma looked up at her father figure.

“Yeah?”

Henry nodded again. “He tried to convince me musicals were the devil.”

“That’s something both of our boyfriends have tried to convince us, then.”

“I guess so.” Henry said and wiped his tears. “I do miss him. I really do. But maybe…maybe if we figure out a cure…I can get them back...?” Emma nodded, seeing hope reappear in the professor’s eyes. She handed him a sheet of paper.

“Can you translate the doctor’s handwriting now?” Hidgens took the sheets with a soft smile, nodding.

_“How to revive someone/bring them back from The Black and White:_

_You need the essence of Daisy Grey (found drawer 4 on the west cabinet) and you need a beaker to begin with. Take a 200ml beaker and add 4 drp of Daisy Grey. Then what you’ll need to do is take 0.4 grams of Sodium and add to the beaker. Stir gently. Then add 0.1 grams of silver. By now, the mixture should be fizzing. Take an open flame (orange) and hover it over the mixture for 20 seconds. This should calm the fizzing down. Add seven drp of water to the mix and stir carefully. This should stop any reaction besides one. The mixture should be glowing bright green. Take a 100ml beaker and take two strands of R-3D and five strands of BL-U3, side note, John if you’re reading this, I know it was one part BL-U3 and 3 parts R-3D to cure the apotheosis but this isn’t the apotheosis, dumbfuck. Mix until the results show a light purple colour. Once complete, add to the original 300 ml beaker. If the solution doesn’t turn black with a green glow, add more BL-U3, yes John. I am doing this right, I’m the theoretical physicist, fuck you. Anyway, with this result, you should then proceed to walk to the funnel beside the portal frame and tip it all in. This gives the prisoner access to the real world:_

_Signed – Xander Lee, Theoretical Physicist, 15th August 2018_

_P.S: John, I love you and I cherish you but for Christ’s sake, don’t raid my drawers again xoxo – Z.” _Henry finished and looked up at Emma, who was already lighting the mixture up. She smiled.

“Time to bring a friend back from the portal, sir.”

* * *

“Isn’t it funny?” A soft snarl came from the man standing behind him. He tensed up. “It’s ironic isn’t it. How you’ve done everything to save him, yet he did nothing to save you. He used to be mine, you know. Now he’s yours. If only you could have seen what he was before you. Oh, what a majestic beast he was. Scar less, clean faced, he had life in his eyes.” He growled and grabbed Xander’s shoulders. “Then he joined PEIP. I told him he didn’t want to. After his first day, all his life drained from his eyes. He got less attractive after that. So sure, keep him. But I’ve got a new toy now.”

“You disgust me.” The man sitting on the floor spat, but it was clear that he was crying. This seemed to amuse the other man.

“Do you know who disgusts me? John McNamara. Choosing someone like you over my Wiggly-“

“He chose me because, goddamit, I actually care for him!” Xander stood up and spun around to face him. “And would you like to know something? I’m gonna admit it. I love him. I died for him. I heard you load that gun. I knew you were after John. That’s why I stayed still. I’m not an idiot.”

“Well, you must be if you can’t get out of here.” A younger voice spoke. Linda Monroe appeared from the shadow. “A theoretical physicist who only planned how to escape if he wasn’t caught in this beautiful realm.” The man’s arm slipped round the woman’s waist, pulling her close. “You never thought of what would happen if you were in the black and white with us. But now you’re here and trapped with no way of getting help…” Linda held out her hand. “Join us.”

“No!” Xander said at once. “I won’t join you for some fucked up game!”

“Linda, darling, go get the kid.”

“Yes, sir.” She said and walked away from the man, who instead turned to Xander.

“Now you listen to me. Do you actually think John cares for you?”

“Yes!”

“Does he?” A pause. “He drank himself into an unconscious state when you died. He drank himself into an unconscious state when our Nicky died. He drank himself into an unconscious state when I went insane, do you see a pattern?” He rose an eyebrow. “What is it that makes you think that you’re so special? He’s a blonde bimbo bastard with no sense of direction. He thinks he’s funny, yet he either sleeps for two weeks straight of not at all. When do you ever spend time together outside of work?”

“In bed…at home…”

“Outside of the bedroom.” Xander didn’t reply. John always worked overtime. John always had an excuse for working more than was needed. Xander was blind. Of course, John didn’t want Xander around at work. It wasn’t to protect him at all; it was to harm him. The man laughed. “There isn’t any time. He avoids you. You’re a disgusting piece of shit. You aren’t special, so stop acting like it. You don’t deserve to be loved!”

“I know I don’t, Wilbur, so shut the fuck up okay? Just-just stop it! I know I’m not special, you don’t need to remind me! I’ve been reminded my entire life! And you know what? There may be a possibility that John is cheating on me because he always works overtime, but you know what? I know my John.”

“Do you? He was our John once.” Another voice. Nick. Nick and Elle. Nick was in a black shirt. Elle had since changed, into a magenta turtleneck. She hated that colour. “He was our baby boy who used to be so obedient. Then he got too big for his boots when he got the General position. He should be fired. He shouldn’t even be alive. The alcohol should have killed him, and if not, the cigarettes. Why doesn’t someone just do us all a favour and kill him off?”

“Oo! Oo! Here’s an idea!” Elle bounced up and down, the watery blood splashing on the bottom of her jeans. “How about we drag him into here with us! Then we can really have a party.” She stared at Xander, her eyes glowing green. Xander stumbled back, falling over a box that had appeared, earning raucous laughter from the group. “Or maybe you’d like to join us, Xander. Join us. Be our prince. Be adored.” The black and white began to glow green, slowly pulsating to a rhythm that could be heard clear throughout the realm. _“I dance around this empty house, tear us down.” _Elle began to sing along.

“_Throw you out.” _Nick continued.

_“Screaming down the halls.” _Elle said, taking a step towards him.

_“Spinning all around and now we fall.” _Elle and Nick sang together.

_ “Pictures framing up the past.” _Linda started up.

_“Your taunting smirk behind the glass_.” Wilbur also sang.

_“This museum full of ash. Once a tickle now a rash.” _Everyone sang at once. The music began to get louder.

_“This used to be a funhouse. But now it’s full of evil clowns. It’s time to start a countdown. I’m gonna burn it down, down, down. I’m gonna burn it down.” _Everyone fell silent, allowing Elle to sing. _“Nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two-“_

* * *

“One.” Emma said and tipped the mixture in the funnel. The purple portal immediately sprang back to life. She laughed gleefully and jumped into Hidgens’ arms. However, their joy quickly stopped upon seeing the green light spewing into the room. Hidgens ran out of the room, Emma still in his arms, setting her on the floor once Xander’s office was closed off. “What the hell was that?!” Emma asked. “That definitely was not supposed to happen!”

“I…I don’t know…” Hidgens stated, looking at the stressed female. “Emma, Emma hey, it’s okay!”

“How, Professor? Xander is still trapped in there!”

“Not for long he won’t be.” The two figures span around to see another two walking towards them. Well, the shorter of the two was practically running after the first. The first had blue eyes, distinct blue eyes that could be recognised from a mile away. He wore black and a mask around his face to protect himself from any spores that may be carried out with him. The second had red curly hair and was also wearing a black uniform. Her heavy boots thudded along the floor behind the other. Emma’s eyes widened at the pair.

“John.” She let her face twist into a smile. “Have you been discharged from hospital already?”

“No. He hasn’t. But nothing gets between him and Xander!” Schaffer shouted, unable to keep up with the General’s long strides.

“Is it unlocked?” John asked, approaching the door. Emma nodded. “Cool. See you on the other side.” He pushed open the door and ran inside.

“John!” Schaffer shouted, running after him. Her hands hit the door as it locked. She let out a frustrated sigh. “He wouldn’t listen again! He’s gonna get hurt!” Hidgens and Emma could do nothing but stand in shock. It all happened so quickly.

* * *

_“Echoes knocking on locked doors. All the laughter from before.” _Wilbur said, tilting Xander’s chin up to look at him. Xander continued to scurry away.

_“I’d rather live out on the street than in this haunted memory.” _Linda sang in a mocking tone, dare not showing sympathy.

_“I've called the movers.” _Nick sang up_.’  
  
“Called the maids.” _Elle finished the line.   
_  
“We'll try to exorcise this place!” _The two sang together_. _

_“Drag my mattress to the yard.” _Wilbur sang again.   
  
_“Crumble tumble house of cards.” _Everyone sang at once. Everyone stopped listening and watched Xander, Wilbur stepping far too close to the physicist.

“And you see, Xander Lee, you’ll die with us! You will obey our God! He will be most grateful to have someone as smart and handsome as you in our team. You’ll find your identity. Then maybe John will love you.”

“He does love me!”

“Has he said it to your face?”

“Yes. He has said it to my face. I said it to him first. He didn’t say it back straight away, but he did.”

“But did he mean it?” Wilbur raised an eyebrow. “Did he mean that he loved you…or someone else?”

“Me! Because he said it to my face!”

“But was he imagining your face when he said it? He used to imagine my face when he said it to Nick. He’s a liar. But obviously he’s perfect John McNamara. Where’s your hero now?!” Wilbur roared and looked directly at Xander. Xander was close to tears. He just wanted to get out of there. His only ticket out was a portal, and nobody had seemed to notice the one that had opened. Nobody seemed to notice another pair of footsteps splashing in the blood on the floor, coming up behind them. No. Nobody noticed because it was all part of John’s plan. “And guess what, Xander Lee? You’re gonna die and you’re never gonna take John’s surname.”

“Oh, he doesn’t want to do that.” Nick scoffed, standing next to his boyfriend’s side. “Being a McNamara comes with bad fortune. It’s just a shame you’re choosing to stay this time!” He growled, Wilbur turning to face him.

“Nick, puppy, you’re getting heated again. Take a break, dear.” Nick huffed, steam practically flaring from his nostrils, as he turned and walked back to Linda and Elle.

“And when your corpse disintegrates into the blood we so desperately need to keep this place alive, we’re gonna redecorate.” Wilbur’s eyes flashed green. _“I’ll change the drapes. I’ll break the plates. I’ll find a new place-“ _The sound of a gun being loaded stopped everyone and they looked over. There was Xander’s exit. A portal. And in front of it stood-

“Burn this fucker down.” John’s eyes were narrowed, and he had his gun aimed directly at Wilbur. Xander spun around and looked at him. He felt a tear run down his cheek as he looked at his fiancé. Xander couldn’t speak. “Now here’s what we’re gonna do. I’m gonna say the truth okay? Xander Lee, I fucking love you and I can not wait for you to be my husband. Wilbur Cross, you were my mentor, my first love. Now I wish you’d fuck yourself, but obviously you have Nick for that now. Nick Johnson, you’re the biggest asshole I’ve ever met and I’m glad you found someone who is willing to take your pain.” He shrugged. “Linda, I don’t even know you.” He turned back to the one last person. Elle. Eleanor McNamara. _His _daughter, dressed in pink, and her eyes bright green. His breath hitched. “Elle, I’m just sorry I couldn’t save you sooner…but for now, I’ll stick to this promise of mine, and it’s going down!” He threw a Hydrogen bomb into the realm and grabbed Xander’s hand, pulling him out of the portal as it hissed shut.

* * *

John ripped the mask from his face as he sat Xander down on a chair, Xander beginning to sob harshly. John pulled up a chair beside him and hugged the other man tightly. “Jay-“ Xander gripped on to John’s shirt, feeling the material beneath his fingers. He needed to know that he was real. His senses were telling him that John McNamara was 100% real. Xander sobbed harder at the realisation.

“I’m here, Zee. I promise.” John whispered, holding the back of Xander’s head to help him calm down. “I’m here in flesh and bone.”

“But Elle isn’t! Why did you tell me, barely your fiancé, over your own daughter!” He shouted and John flinched.

“That wasn’t Elle…”

“Of course it was! If you had just saved her instead of me!”

“Is this because of what Wilbur told you?” Xander went silent. “He’s a bad man, Xand, you can’t trust him.”

“You can’t tell me what to do!”

“Please don’t shout.”

“Why not, John?! It’s not as if you can control me! If you want to, there’s the portal! Go and join your exes! Oh wait, they’re dead!”

“It’s a protocol we need to follow as PEIP recruits, Xander, you know this!”

“Shut up, John.” John was taken a back.

“What?”

“I told you to shut up! When do you ever listen to me?!”

“All the time, Xander.”

“No. You don’t.”

“They’ve just manipulated you into thinking that. You know the truth.”

“So why do you work overtime?!”

“Because I had to figure out a cure for TBAW, you know this!”

“I’m the physicist!” Xander tore his arms away from John. “You’re fucking pathetic!” He shouted. John’s jaw opened slightly. He could only watch as Xander stormed out the room.

_Were they together?_

* * *

Elle twitched. It was Christmas day and they’d just finished opening her presents. She had gone to the other room to try on one of her new gifts. They were a pair of glasses that did all sorts of things, like allowed her to cheat on tests, to detect lies and similar things. However, put on the wrong setting and the effects could be disastrous. If put on the wrong setting, she’d see all her worst fears at once. Her hand flew up to her face and she tore off the glasses. She was back at PEIP in her white long sleeve, black skirt, black tights. Her heart was racing. She put the glasses away before returning to the main room.

John was curled up against Xander on the couch by the Christmas tree, Xander playing with John’s hair. Emma and Paul were laughing in the middle of a conversation, and Tom and Becky were helping Tim set something up. She needed to be alone. She’d leave them alone for now. For now, everything was okay. She gripped her phone and shakily typed a text.

_Jack? Can you come pick me up?_

She quickly received a reply.

_Ofc. Ly <3_

Elle immediately relaxed and knocked on the door. John looked up. “Are you alright, Elle?” She took a steady breath, nodding.

“Yeah. I’m gonna go to Jack’s for a few hours to see his family.”

John smiled. “Alright dear. Merry Christmas.”

Elle nodded. “Merry Christmas, dad.” She turned away.

“Oh, and Elle?”

She turned back around.

“Use protection.”

Elle blushed furiously and ran away from the room. Xander smiled. “You need to stop embarrassing her.”

“I’m her dad, it’s what I do.”

“I know. It’s okay.” Xander smiled and crooked his head down. John leant up and pulled Xander into a kiss. “I love you, Jay.” He said as John lay back down.

“I love you too, Zee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> featuring the most confusing plot twist of the series.  
nobody:  
me: i will pepper in a p!nk song.


	23. When Years Have Passed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Elle has a serious talk with Jack and Hidgens cries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mentions of suicide from the Jick chapter in SYPF (you'll know which one it is when you read the scene, but it's 5000 words at an estimate)

As she strolled through the empty hallways of PEIP, she couldn’t help but finally notice everything in detail. For example, there was a corridor and above it was a plaque that read “Nuclear Submissions only – NJ.” Curiosity got the better of her and she opened the door that followed on to the hallway. There was only one room full of items, the other 5 being deserted entirely. The door had been taken off the hinges, allowing Elle free access inside. To her left was a desk, papers scattered everywhere in an unorderly fashion. She picked one of them up. “December 17 2017 – Nick Johnson’s report on the Clivesdale Catastrophe, page 3/9.” Elle read on. This was a side to Nick she’d never seen. She set the paper down after reading it and looked up. On the wall were photos of. She strode over and took one off the wall. It was of him and her playing the piano, supposedly taken by John. They were both in their pyjamas, and he was assisting her with the playing. She was smiling. In that photo, Elle trusted Nick. The others consisted of John and Nick in various different areas of PEIP, of their house, of Hatchetfield, of the world. Nick looked happy. There wasn’t a reason for him to go…psychotic. So why did he? Yes, of course she loved Xander, but Xander’s name wasn’t written on her adoption certificate. Elle was the daughter of Nick McNamara and John McNamara. She felt a gust of wind on her neck and turned around. There it was. The cage they’d locked Nick inside in the universe prior to this one. Elle had sworn she would never step foot in this room again, yet she’d felt drawn to it. She’d felt drawn to this room, to this corridor, and to this man. Why? Why had she felt the need to investigate?

_Why?_

Taking a breath, and collecting her thoughts, she turned around and left the corridor. Nobody was around to see her do it. She wouldn’t have to tell anyone. No. Not even Jack. She’d get shit for it and she couldn’t deal with that. She’d become a meek young girl in the space it took to experience all her worst fears. She hated it. She hated how PEIP no longer appealed to her as much as it used to. She hated how she never wanted to touch a gun again. She hated how she was now questioning whether her working at PEIP was her fortune. She shook her head clean of thoughts and pushed the door open to the outside. There, a black car was, and leaning against the side of it was Jack. Jack Martins, her boyfriend. She smiled and relaxed, exhaling deeply as he looked up. “There she is!” He said and held his arms out to her. She blushed and quick walked over to him, melting in his arms, hugging him tightly. “Merry Christmas, Ellie.” He kissed her cheek. “Lets get you in the car. It’s fucking freezing out here.” Elle laughed and ran to the other side of his car, getting in the passenger seat. She clipped in and reached for a cigarette, but decided against it. Jack raised an eyebrow,

“Alright, something’s going on here.”

Elle furrowed her eyebrows, but looked up to him. “I don’t understand…”

“You just reached for your cigarettes and then chose against it. No offense, Elle, but you’re a heavy smoker. So has something happened for you to be…not smoking?”

“Yes.” She said at once. “Something happened and I’m scared.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?”

“That’s why I asked for you to pick me up.” She smiled, a blush dusting her cheeks. “This is gonna make me sound entirely pathetic.”

“No it won’t, Ellie.”

“It will.”

“Then I’ll be the judge of that.” Jack turned to face her. “I’ve probably heard much weirder than my sister so please, for goodness sake, I’m your boyfriend. Can you tell me what happened?”

Elle took a breath and nodded. “So it’s Christmas and Xander had designed some glasses which are essentially spy glasses, and they can make you see hidden rooms and lies and shit…but there’s a setting he didn’t know about…I set it up wrong and I saw my worst fears. I saw myself in TBAW trusting my dad’s ex, trapped in TBAW wearing pink, Xander telling my dad that my dad had cheated…and you weren’t there…and it shook me up. And on my way out, I saw the room my- Nick had been….executed in, if you must put it that way, in dimension 1. I didn’t know you in that dimension, but Nick was locked in a cage and he shot himself in front of my dad. And I promised I’d never go into that room again…so why did I, Jack? When I came out of that room, out of that corridor, I didn’t want to work there anymore!”

Jack paused. “Not work at PEIP?”

“No! I didn’t-it felt wrong for me to be there. Almost like I wasn’t supposed to find out about it. It all felt wrong. And suddenly I didn’t want to wear this badge and I didn’t want this gun and I wanted to be a normal teen with a normal education. And I never got that. I’ve been in that military base as long as I can remember. And guess what, Jack? I don’t’ want to be there anymore. I’m constantly compared to my dad. You look so much like the General, you’re going to be the General in line. I dyed my hair brown because yes, I look like him, but it doesn’t mean I _am _him! And you know, when I was in Nick’s office earlier I felt something in there! And for once I wished I’d trusted him.” Jack was stunned.

“You can’t mean that.”

“Yes but that’s the thing! I wish I didn’t!” She said. “I really wished I could still feel the happiness I used to feel when I worked at PEIP to begin with and guess what? It’s gone! I never wanna go back there ever again!” She said and Jack parked the car.

“I’m sorry, Elle. Come on. I’ve got presents inside.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“It’s only slightly messy, isn’t it? The McNamara family.” Jack said and sipped his coffee as Elle looked up. Jack set the mug on the table and she looked at him, confused as he sat down next to her at the table.

“What do you mean? We aren’t a mess we just…we just do things differently. That’s all.”

“So you’ve got the General of the US Military who’s crazy exes are now dating and those exes constantly want to kill him. The General has also tried to commit suicide after his husband died by drinking until unconscious, resulting in an alcohol addiction and several rounds of rehab. That same General who is addicted to sex and cigarettes, and overly protective of his daughter. And you’ve got a physicist who has to ensure his daughter and his fiancé don’t get themselves killed while maintaining his own physical and mental health, and after what happened with Cross…he seems rocky.”

“Well, it’s Xander…he can’t help it…”

“And then there’s the McNamara daughter, who’s parent’s volunteered to put themselves up for a science experiment knowing they were going to get killed by Professor Hidgens who has since undergone serious therapy to help with the loss of his husband, but that left you in an adoption centre until the age of eleven, where you were adopted by this General and his abusive ex, then you joined the team that could potentially kill you, then you got gifted some fuckin spy glasses or some shit that allowed you to see your worst fears. And now we’re here.” A pause. “And she’s also incredibly attractive.” Jack finished, sipping his coffee again, watching the blush spread on his girlfriend’s cheeks.

“Jack, you flirt.” Elle smiled softly. “And when you put it that way…” she paused to think. Wow. They really _were _messy. “But I swear we’re normalish! Most of the time! I swear!” Her eyes flew open, almost apologetic, and Jack had to laugh to reassure her.

“Ellie, honey. I know you are. And I know you try to be as well. I’m not making fun of you for it.” He said and stood up, taking his mug to the sink. Elle seemed to relax as Jack walked back over to her. He sat beside her on the couch and wrapped his arm around her. “I’ll keep you safe. I won’t let your worst fears come true.”

“Promise?” She asked, looking up to him. Jack nodded.

“I promise. Are you planning on staying here tonight?” Elle nodded.

“Yeah…”

“Then you’d best open the presents I got you.” Jack grinned and watched the colour drain from Elle’s face as she punched him in the ribs.

“You said we weren’t doing presents this year!” She scrunched her nose up, clearly frustrated, but Jack removed his arm from around her and stood up.

“It’s a good thing I followed my gut instinct when I knew Christmas would be a rough event for you!” He said and walked to the other room, dragging out a bag of presents behind him. Elle sat there stunned. Nobody outside of her parents ever spent more than $25 on her. And that…looked like a lot. Jack laughed at her reaction. “I got them throughout the year. I didn’t buy them all in one go.”

“Jack I-I don’t know where to start…” she laughed, astounded. Jack drew a present from the bag.

“How about here.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some time after they began opening gifts, Elle was in one of Jack’s sweaters (personally gifted to her) and Jack was wrapped around her. She was in awe and smiled at him. “I can’t believe you went behind my back to get all this.”

Jack smiled and kissed her cheek. “Anything for you, Ellie. Anything at all. I’d die for you.”

“Please don’t.”

“I’ll protect you, Eleanor McNamara. And I swear on my life to never hurt you.” Elle couldn’t resist the smile as Jack cleared up around her.

* * *

_Hey professor, it’s Emma. Um, Emma Perkins. Um, I just wanna say that I miss you and-fucks sake this is going bad. Okay, deep breath Emma. Deep breath-oh shit still recording okay, ignore that! Hey professor, it’s Emma, Emma Perkins and I just wanna say that I do miss you and I’d like to see you some time. Paul hasn’t forgiven you yet, that’s the only problem…but I wish he would. I miss you and you’ll always be my dad to me. Uh, the reason I called you is because, well, I spent time recently at a government agency. You may know the name of PEIP based on Chad’s occupation there. We went there for Christmas and there was a memorial to him, but it said he was missing which was peculiar. I noticed on Xander’s desk, Xander’s gay, sir. Don’t worry, I’m not a cheat. Anyway I noticed on Xander’s desk a cure for death. I’ll be sending through the ingredients of what’s needed because I know you need Chad and Greg and Steve and Stu and Mark and Leighton. Again, I miss you sir, and I wish you merry Christmas. _

Hidgens listened to the voicemail on repeat, tears in his eyes. Emma Perkins, his daughter figure, who he hadn’t heard from since the apotheosis, had rang him. And he’d missed the chance to hear her voice live from the other line. It currently didn’t matter, though. Emma had sent him a cure for death. Death, which was supposedly inevitable, was now being able to be cured, meaning he could save his Chad. He grabbed the ingredients and mixed them together in a beaker. He walked over to the chamber where his dead boyfriend lay, his red hair stained browner than yesterday. Hidgens took a breath and opened the compartment, tipping the mixture inside. He waited for a minute, then ten, then twenty, then forty, then an hour, and nothing. It hadn’t worked. “God fucking dammit!” Hidgens snapped and hit his hand on the table. “It’s not fair! Everyone gets everything and I can’t get the one thing I need!” He screamed and walked upstairs in a rage, not noticing the man in the chamber’s eyes flick open.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the morning, Hidgens was startled awake by a loud crash and he jumped out of bed. He changed and grabbed his pocket gun, running to his basement. He pinned himself against a doorframe. “Who is it?! What are you doing in my house?! How did you get here?!”

“Henners?” That voice. Hidgens stopped breathing and froze. He knew that voice. That voice that used to sing him to sleep in time of crisis. That voice that used to break during fights. That voice that belonged to the man he loved. Chad, one of the bravest agents PEIP had ever seen, was standing in his basement. He gulped and peered into the room. His hair was no longer brown, but the bright red Henry used to know. His eyes were green and alive. He wasn’t covered in green preserving gel either, which had since been disposed of. He was dressed in a maroon sweater over a white long sleeved shirt, his tan jeans ripped in areas, and his brown leather shoes too big for him now. But that was Chad. Chad 30 years later. Henry looked at him and Chad looked back. Shakily, Henry placed the gun back in his pocket and became self conscious. He hardly showered, ate or saw sunlight anymore, constantly trying to find a cure to revive the ones he loved. His turtleneck was hanging off his body, as was his blazer. The bags under his eyes were darker than a thousand nights and his eyes were dull and sunken. Chad looked new with life, yet Henry looked the opposite. Henry’s hair was now naturally silver and he hated it. He hated being old. Chad’s jaw hung open slightly, eyes wide with worry and Hidgens shook his head, spinning around and heading back upstairs. He heard footsteps behind him.

“Henry.” Chad said, almost sternly, causing Hidgens to stop walking. “Don’t do this to me, not now. I’ve waited 30 years!”

“And 30 years I’ve changed! I lost my kid, I lost my boyfriend, I have nothing, Chad! Nothing at all! My kid won’t even see me because of her boyfriend who hates me for something I did in a previous dimension which I remember vividly, and don’t even get me started on myself. Because I’d prefer not to talk about it.”

“You always were one to speak about yourself. You took pride in your looks, in your muscles, in your hair.” Chad’s voice was soft. “Hen…me and the boys, we were able to communicate with each other. We all missed you. We all did. They kept saying to me, _Chadwick Hidgens, you work for the fucking army, get off your ass and kick these doors open. _So I tried. And I tried every year until this year. And now I’m back. Henry we never stopped believing in you. Leighton lost hope a long while ago, but the rest of us didn’t. I had faith in you. I won’t pressure you to talk, but I still love you.” And it was enough to make Henry crack. His shoulders began to shake and Hidgens’ breathing became irregular. Chad sat down on the couch. “I love you so fucking much okay? You amaze me. You do things I never thought were possible, and I’m pretty fucking lucky to see you. So please come and sit down and I’ll look after you.” To Chad’s surprise, Henry kept his head hung but curled up beside Chad on the couch, crying quietly. Hidgens placed a hand on Chad’s chest. There was a strong heartbeat present. “I’m alive, Hen. And I’m not going anywhere.”

“I love you, Chad.” Henry sniffed.

“I love you too.” 


	24. Now A Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beep beep, it's lexthan dropping in with bebey sis hannah to say that they're endgame. 
> 
> ft jacknamara

Chapter 24:

_‘I love you too. That was a phrase uttered by many. A phrase uttered by many in a platonic or romantic way. A platonic way that started off as ‘just friends’ that often turned romantic. That often turned romantic which then lead to heartbreak. Heartbreak or to marriage. Marriage and you’re expected to have kids to prolong your bloodline. Prolong your bloodline to keep your family alive. To keep your family alive seems a lot easier than you think. Easier than you think it would be, to save a starving child, to comfort your grieving your soulmate when their significant other passes away. When their significant other passes away and they are left alone. Left alone until they, too, pass away, before waking up in their next life and reconnecting. Reconnecting with their soulmate as it’s an endless cycle. An endless cycle of pain, happiness and love. Pain, happiness and love which forms the human body. The human body, which is gifted with the wisdom of millions of years. Millions of years and we ended up here. We ended up here in the tiny town of Hatchetfield, Michigan, America, where everything seemed to resolve itself over the past year. Over the past year, Chad and Henry got back together, Jack and Elle strengthened their relationship, and John underwent serious therapy that improved him as a person. That improved him as a person and allowed PEIP to flourish into the dream he’d always wanted to see. The dream he’d always wanted to see consisted of his family being safe. His family being safe as well as the citizens of Hatchetfield. This is where our story begins, on the 26th December 2019…_

* * *

Silence was never a good sign in Hatchetfield. Even in the early hours of the morning, when the sun was rising and people were just beginning to wake, were cars driving at full speed down back roads, and there was often the noise of a gunshot somewhere nearby. Well, at least in this part of Hatchetfield. Lex Foster was standing in the front yard of the place she’d bought, alongside Ethan. Including Hannah, the three of them had lived there in peace for the past few months they’d had the house. They’d moved a little down the road from Tom, Becky and Tim, but nowhere too far just in case they needed that extra help. Since she’d gotten Ethan back, they’d said I love you every hour unless asleep; they both looked after Hannah in their own ways, and even began discussing a family. For now, she closed her eyes and let her head tilt back as she exhaled the smoke. She could already feel the sun begin to beam down on her face. Today would be a good day.

Behind her, watching from the doorway, Ethan was stood. He noticed that when the sun reflected off his girlfriend’s face, it showed off her features in a spectacular way and it had made everything worth it. For every minute they had dreamt of the happiness the6y thought they couldn’t find in happiness, there was another moment paired with it for living out that peace they’d so desperately wanted. For him, he’d waited to see Lex so at peace and to get her away from the trauma of her alcoholic mother. But looking at her, with gold reflecting on the features he loved to get lost in, what had happened before didn’t matter in this moment. It was all worth it to see Lex so calm. She finally looked at rest in Hatchetfield, and it was his fault. After a little while or taking in her beauty, he quietly moved from the door to the outside. Smiling, he crept up behind her. As she opened her eyes to look at the sunrise, he put his hands on her shoulders, a trick that never failed to scare her. She screamed softly and covered her mouth, eyes wide with fear, as she spun around to see Ethan. The fear in her eyes was overridden by anger and she shoved him, causing him to stumble back a few steps, her nose scrunched up. “Not funny.” She said, glaring at him, but his smile never faded.

“Come on, Lex. That joke never gets old.”

“It’s finally quiet in this area of Hatchetfield and you ruin the silence. Asshole.”

Ethan faked shock at the false statement that Lex had uttered and put a hand on his heart. Then his expression melted back to a smile after seeing Lex’s lips curl upwards ever so slightly. “Now, you know that just isn’t true.” He walked back over to her, wrapping his arms around her waist, the sun shining down on the two of them, turning Ethan’s hair slightly blonde. Lex turned her head and looked at Ethan, content in his arms. He peered down at her and kissed her softly, Lex returning the favour. He smiled wide. “Have we got a plan for today, or are we just living in the moment?”

“Living in the moment sounds good, but I need to go shopping later to get Hannah some new clothes. She’s growing out of her old ones.” She smiled. “I don’t want my little sister to grow up.”

“I don’t want her to grow up either, but it’s the bitch of living.” He sighed as another set of footsteps joined them. Ethan turned his head to see Hannah dragging a blanket out the door, shuffling her feet along the gravel. “Speaking of the devil, good morning banana split. Sleep well?”

Hannah rubbed her eyes tiredly and nodded, sitting in front of the two on the grass. She began to play with the blades in between her fingers, immediately occupied. “Grass.” She said and sprinkled it on the blanket, 

Lex smiled and pushed Ethan’s arms away from her as she sat by her sister. “That is grass. Do you like grass?” Hannah nodded and mumbled something. “Sorry, Han? What did you say?”

“Green.” She smiled and looked at Ethan. The younger girl pointed at the taller boy, who immediately smiled.

Lex hugged her sister. “It’s green, like Ethan.” Lex looked at Ethan and motioned for him to join them, to which he did. He wrapped an arm around Hannah and Hannah leaned against Ethan. Everyone was smiling under the Hatchetfield sun. Everything was finally at peace. Everything was finally at rest. Everything would, and always had been, okay.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of Hatchetfield, in a red bricked building with a black plaque above the door, a blonde curly haired 5”10 male woke up, alone, in bed. Jack Martins stretched and reached for Elle, who wasn’t there. His eyes flew open and he screamed. He immediately heard laughter come from the hallway of their ‘house.’ It wasn’t a real house. It was just an abandoned section of PEIP refurnished to act as a bungalow for the two. Jack got out of bed, leaving the navy colours a mess, and ran out of the door. His bare feet thudded along the blue carpet as he pushed open the door to the main room. The main room, which used to be the old break room, had now been transformed to the kitchen, dining area and living section. The door that enclosed this room from the others was painted gold to match their colour scheme. The walls were a pale yellow, and the carpet was a soft brown. This room was the one Elle enjoyed calling ‘the sunflower room.’ The couch Elle was sprawled across was a cream colour, and her head was buried in a golden cushion. But he smiled at her. “Eleanor McNamara. You are not funny.” He said and lifted her up off the couch, causing her to squeal loudly and cling on to Jack tight.

“Jesus Christ, Jack! Warn me when you’re going to do that!” She smiled and wrapped her legs around his waist, burying her face into his neck.

“You get no sympathy off of me today. What have I told you about leaving the pillows your dads made of their faces on your side of the bed in the mornings?!” he asked and looked at her. He could feel her smile against his skin.

“I just think it’s pretty funny, babe.” She smiled and relaxed. Jack kissed her cheek and set her back down on the couch. He sat beside her and she curled up next to him. She smiled and spoke up after a little while. “I like our house. Even if it is directly attached to our work place. But I like the colours.”

“You’re only saying that because I managed to recreate _The Starry Night _in the hallway.”

“Hey! One of us has to be a talented artist, and it isn’t me.” She said and hummed happily. Jack had been persistent of helping Elle back on her feet. After many intense sessions with Schaffer, Jack remaining by her side for each individual one, she was slowly having more good days than bad days. A good day consisted of smiles and pushing furniture around to her liking. Bad days consisted of cold coffee, tears, and warm cuddles in bed with Jack’s shirts balled in her hands. They always remained beside each other. They were a family and they were together.

“I admire Van Gogh, okay?! I’m just glad you liked the suggestion I…suggested.”

Elle laughed. “I like _The Starry Night_ too! I just didn’t think my boyfriend was such a dork.”

“Well, dear, I’m full of surprises.” With every natural person, Jack also had good days and bad days. His good days were full of scattered papers consisting of a couple of sketches of Elle. If not sketches, paintings on canvases of Elle, sunflowers, birds, the McNamara family, anything. Bad days consisted of shaky drawings and blue watercolour stains. On bad days, Elle often sat beside him as a model, or wrapped in his arms. They were both there for each other. Since moving away from their parents and families, they’d learnt their true selves. Elle was a really quiet girl, and wasn’t often loud. She was gentle in her touch and her voice and always put Jack before herself, including in the battlefield. She loved him a lot, and wanted him to know that she would always be there for him. Jack, however, was the one who was loud. He’d sing obnoxiously to make Elle laugh, and would commonly smash a glass jar he was using as his water jug, commonly followed by a string of curse words afterwards. It always made Elle laugh and that was all that mattered. They were both in love They were both happy.

“I know you are. When you first started singing for the first time? If I wasn’t in love with you before, I definitely fell and plummeted six feet under when that high note came out your mouth.” Elle smiled again, relaxing against Jack. Jack wrapped his arm around her, massaging circles into her shoulder with his thumb. He kissed Elle’s hair, which was more red than dark brown nowadays, slowly fading back to blonde, and watched her smile. Elle’s smile was the prettiest thing in the world to him. It never got boring to see. He looked to the side of him.

“Did you make me coffee?” He asked gently and she nodded. He smiled. “Thankyou, Ellie. But you didn’t need to make it for me. I’m fully capable of making myself a cup of coffee.”

“Yeah, but then you put your paintbrushes in your coffee and drink your paint water.” She said and watched a harsh grimace appear on Jack’s face.

“And it’s happened too many times for my liking.”

“A shame. I’d have thought you liked the taste of paint water by the amount of times you’ve drank it.”

“Every time was an accident.”

“How do you drink green water and think it’s coffee?”

“I refuse to answer that question.” He said and leaned against her. They remained together in silence for a little while, Elle flicking on the TV so they could rant about the news together and act like typical teens.

They were not typical teens.

A little while passed and Elle moved Jack’s arm off of her. She looked slightly pale. He tilted his head, and she assured him with a soft smile. “Just a headache.” She said. “I’m gonna go take some meds. I’ll be back in a second.” She saluted to him, and he saluted back. She’d be the general one day, and he couldn’t wait to see her in her father’s shoes. She vanished to the bathroom, and the noise coming from the TV turned to static. He felt the atmosphere change. No more laughs. Time to get real.

Elle’s head was pounding with fear as she grabbed the box from the cupboard. She sat down and examined it. A little while after, she looked at the results on the rim of the sink and immediately felt worse. She put her head in her hands. Now she was panicking about two things. How would she tell Jack, and how would her fathers react? She was grounded when she heard a knock at the door. Jack was smiling at the front door. “What’s up, sweetheart?” He asked, walking in towards her. She looked down and stuffed the result in her pocket.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it, Jack.”

“Hey…if it’s a bad day today, then we can go straight back to bed. I’ll bring my painting stuff up today-“

“No. No Jack it isn’t like that. It’s a little bit worse.”

“Worse?”

Elle, defeated, figured there wasn’t a way around this. She reached back into her pocket and handed him the result. He looked at his hand and his eyes widened.

“Oh-“

“Yeah.”

“And?”

“Yours.”

“And?”

“We’re only 19…”

“We’ll be 20, and with the support of your dads…?”

“They’ll kill me…”

“Hey. It’s not about them. It’s about Elle and what she wants to do with her body.” He took her hands and crouched in front of her. “Do you want this baby, Ellie?” She avoided eye contact and bit her lip, but slowly nodded after mentally listing the pros and cons.

“Yes…I would like to have this baby…with you…if you promise not to leave me alone to raise it…”

“Why would I do that? You’re the light of my life, and being in your crazy world has made mine better. I know it’s scary, but just think about it. A son or a daughter in our arms in nine months time, possibly even eight. I can craft the prettiest nursery for them, you can be the best mom you can be, and I’ll support you even if your parents won’t.”

“I haven’t even met your parents, Jack.”

“You don’t want to.” He said and took her hands. “We just need to…take things slow, and we won’t tell everybody straight away, but I’m gonna be with you every step of the way. And I swear on that.” He said and kissed Elle’s cheeks, a rosy blush forming quickly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” She smiled and looked up at him. “Can you carry me back to the living room?” Jack nodded, a smile reappearing on his face, and he threw the test away, lifting her up and back into the living room.

“I’m gonna be the best dad I can be.”

“I know you will.”

“And it’s okay for me to do that?”

“Of course it’s okay, dipfuck.”


	25. Leave The Pack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my favourite couple of all time makes a return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been hyperfixating on starry for my revision for my english mocks and it's all i've listened to. so, in honour of that, there are starry references in the last scene, e.g.:  
in the dark the road is bright  
you're wasting away  
what's the use of trying if you can't be free  
you're fading away  
-  
but yeah that's it

He sighed as he closed the door. Again, empty. How did she expect to cook dinner if there was no food in the house? He turned around and saw her laying on the couch. “How do you expect to cook food for Tom, Beck and Tim when we don’t have any food?” he asked and folded his arms. She looked up from her phone only to dramatically groan, tilting her head back on to the couch. She dropped her phone to the floor and looked at him.

“I knew there was something! God, he’s gonna think I’m a screw up just like everyone else!” She said and quickly sat up. “Come on! We’ve gotta go and get something! I’m not embarrassing myself like I did on Black Friday last year!” She hissed and bolted to the door. He rolled his eyes and grabbed both of their coats. He met her outside by the car, where she was anxiously tapping her fingers against the shell. He smiled and passed her the coat. She took it and put it on, climbing into the passenger seat once the car was unlocked. He followed her inside and placed a hand on her knee to calm her down. “Just drive.” She said, agitated.

“Can you listen to me for a second?”

“No! We’ve wasted enough time! We overslept and now Tom’s never gonna want to see me again!”

“Please just listen to me.”

“I can’t!”

“Well, we aren’t going anywhere while you’re stressing in my car.” He said, keeping his tone calm and collected. He never looked away from her. Slowly, she started to calm down. She looked at him. “You’re okay. He asked to come around for dinner tonight. He still wants you in his life. Emma, everything will work out.”

Emma nodded, exhaling slowly. “Thank you, Paul. For putting up with me, seeing as nobody else would.”

Paul looked at her for a little while before he hugged her. “I don’t need to ‘put up’ with you. I love you so goddamn much okay. I’m not leaving you any time soon. I want to stay by your side until the day we die.”

“But hopefully not at our wedding due to some crazy infection and we all get hydrogen bombed?”

“Hopefully not death by crazy infection and/or hydrogen bomb, hopefully just natural causes this time.” He smiled and pulled away, tucking her hair behind her ear. “You’re my everything, Emma, and I want this to go well for you. If I’m being entirely honest, I’m scared of Tom.” He nodded and faced the front, peering out the windscreen, seeing Emma smile in the corner of his eye.

“Paul, honey, you have an anxiety disorder. You’re scared of pretty much most things. You’re scared of me on a bad day.”

“I’ve never seen someone of your height get so frustrated over fruit salad before.” He grinned and started the car.

“Okay, a fruit salad is _not _a dessert!”

“Yes, it is, Emma!”

“I’m gonna have a fight with you, Paul. Right here right now. I have scientific evidence as to how a fruit salad is not a dessert!”

“Alright then, Xander Lee wannabe, care to explain?”

“Yes, I do! And also, I’m not Xander. He’s like, ten times better than me.” She huffed and crossed her arms. “Anyways! Off topic! What’s a fruit salad made of?”

“Fruit.”

“Yes! And a fruit is a snack, right?!”

“Yes, Emma.”

“So why the fuck are you calling a fruit salad, which consists of the words fruit and salad, a dessert? It’s a side at best!”

“Google stated it can be both.”

“Well Google is fucking wrong and can take it up with my manager!”

Paul laughed at her and continued to drive. “So, what exactly do we need to get for tonight? You want to make Tom’s favourite food, right? What is that?”

“Okay, Tom made this really nice curry on thanksgiving and Becky bought some over for me while you were at work? And it was _so _good, and she gave me the recipe and- Paul I’m gonna die without that curry!” Paul laughed at how dramatic Emma was being. Of course, he didn’t complain. He loved to see her happy like this.

“Does Tim like curry?”

“Tim does not. Tim has sensory issues like you, honey.”

“So, we’re getting curry for Tom, Becky and us, and chicken nuggets and fries for Tim?”

“Pretty much.”

Paul nodded and parked. “Alright, sweetheart, lets go find the ingredients. And maybe we can make a cake?”

Emma smiled at him as they both got out of the car. “As long as we don’t get coated in flour like we did last time.”

“And then we both ended up in the shower.”

“Paul Matthews! We are in public!” She gently hit his arm, her smile never fading. She linked her arm with his and they walked inside the store together.

* * *

“Becky?” Tom called from upstairs, buttoning up his flannel.

“Yeah, Tom?”

“Are you ready to go? It’s half 5!”

“Oh! Yes! Let me just grab Tim!” She called and the sound of her footsteps faded. For the first time since Thanksgiving that year, which had been just under a month ago, they were sitting down and having dinner with Paul and Emma. The reason for it, though, was unexpected to everyone. It had definitely shocked Tim. What they did know, however, was Tim accepted it as a positive surprise, which lifted Tom’s spirits. However, he was still nervous about telling Emma. Emma, who was the sister of his dead wife. How would she react? She wasn’t like everyone else. She was a very sensitive soul at times and didn’t open up to anyone besides Paul Matthews. Of course, he didn’t blame her. He wouldn’t want to open up to anyone besides Becky…it used to be only Jane, but since Becky was back in his life, things changed rapidly. Things changed for the better. He could see their future at the end of the road, and he was still deeply in love with the red head. Black Friday had bought them together in a wonderful way. He just hoped tonight went well.

A few minutes later, Becky came back with Tim holding her hand. Tim was smiling and holding a toy truck that Tom had made him out of wood. Becky smiled at the other man, who smiled back. “You ready to go, Tom?” Tom nodded and walked towards her, kissing her cheek. “Tim’s eager to go see his aunt, aren’t you, Timmy?” Becky was so good with his son. He’d chosen well with the decision he’d made. Tim nodded, smiling.

“Yeah dad! Is Paul gonna be there? Paul’s cool!”

Tom smiled. “I’m sure he will.” He looked at Becky, who was already holding car keys in her hand. She knew him too well. “Let’s go to see Paul and Emma.”

* * *

Paul looked out the window as he dusted the counter off. “Emma? They’re here!”

“Shit!” She shouted from upstairs, changing out of her flour-coated shirt. “The yellow or the green shirt, Paul?”

“Yellow!” He called, throwing the cloth into the washing machine. He stood by the door and opened it once the doorbell rang. He looked at Tim, who immediately hugged his leg. He smiled and picked the small boy up. “Hello Tim!” He said. “Is that your truck?” Tim nodded excitedly and held it in front of Paul’s face.

“Dad made it for me!” He said and hugged Paul tightly. Paul looked at Tom and Becky as they walked into the house.

“Emma’s just upstairs changing. She got coated in flour…again.” He chuckled and closed the door after them. “I’ll take you through!” He said, carrying Tim into the dining room as Becky and Tom took their seats. “Would you guys like drinks?”

“Coffee for us, make it black, and if you’ve got any orange juice for Tim?” Becky asked and Paul nodded.

“I’ll be back in a second.” Paul smiled and walked out of the room to the kitchen. As he was pouring Tim’s drink, he heard Emma run into the kitchen. He turned and looked at her, smiling. She was flustered, yet still beautiful. That was Emma Perkins. She could be covered blood and mud and she could still look beautiful. He looked at her and she looked at him before throwing her arms up in defeat.

“I need coffee, Paul Matthews, and I need it now. Coffee is essentially my blood now, and without it, I will die. And right now, I am dying. So please, let me get to the coffee machine-“

“Emma, you’re a barista, honey. I’m pretty sure you know how to make yourself a cup of coffee.” He said but stepped out of the way.

“But that objectifies the point! We use coffee machines at Beanies anyways! It’s unfair for you to even begin to accuse us of making that shit by hand.”

“Watch your language around Tim.” He reminded her, and she blushed, eyes widening.

“Fuck! Wait, shit, wait-“

“Emma, you’re panicking again.” He smiled and put his hands on her shoulders. “Nothing is gonna go wrong, okay?” She took a deep breath and nodded, removing her mug from the grip of the coffee machine. She hopped up on the counter and watched Paul. She took a sip of her own coffee as he grabbed Becky’s mug as well as Tim’s juice.

“Also, what’s this thing with my nephew being obsessed with you? I’m his aunt. I mean, I’m your girlfriend, but still, he should love me more than he loves you.”

“Are you jealous, Emma?” He raised an eyebrow. “Can you grab Tom’s mug?”

“Oh shit, yeah.” She said, hopping off the counter and taking Tom’s mug. “No, I mean, I’m not jealous, just joking.” She grinned and carried the mugs to the dining room. She set hers down as well as Tom’s, Paul putting Becky and Tim’s drinks down in front of the assigned person. Paul’s drink was already on the table. Emma took her seat and looked at Tom and Becky. “So, Mr Houston, you said you had some news to tell me?”

“Oh, well, me and Becky were gonna tell you after dinner if that’s okay?”

“That’s alright with us.” Emma smiled and leaned against Paul. “How have you been since thanksgiving, Tom?”

“I’ve been good! I managed to get back in to teaching, I’m tutoring Lex and Ethan in my free time.”

“And what about you, Becky?” Paul asked and Becky’s eyes lit up.

“Well, I managed to help this teen get better. She was really scared when she came in the department, near to traumatised, and she saw all the little kids and felt she was in the wrong area, but I assured her she wasn’t. Her name was Connie. She was a sweetheart. She had to have a pretty major surgery on her leg after it was smashed in an accident where she fell out of a tree. Well, not really fell, one of her supposed friends pushed her while he was stoned. The poor thing…” Becky sighed. “But I became a quick favourite of hers and I was just glad I could help her relax.” A pause. “What about you Paul?”

“Oh, I got a promotion at work.” He said and put his hands up in surrender. “It just means a little bit more money with a couple more hours. I don’t have to go in on a Saturday anymore though, which is good.”

“Paul, I’m gonna go and get this food, okay>” she asked and kissed his cheek.

“Alright, Emma.” Paul smiled and remained occupied in conversation with Tom and Becky, while managing to keep Tim having fun simultaneously. To Emma, Paul was a superhero. He could do anything and be loved by anyone with no effort. It was much different for her. She was always overlooked or seen as a pathetic person. She wasn’t, but it was just how it is. Luckily for her, she’d developed a thick skin for harsh insults and it no longer affected her. She served up everyone’s food and bought it in to them. They ate, laughing around the table for a little while, and when they finished eating, all eyes were on Tom and Becky.

“So, we’ve finished our meal, what’s the news?” Emma asked, leaning against Paul again. Becky smiled and took Tom’s hand.

“Me and Beck…we’re engaged.” Tom announced, but he wasn’t expecting Emma’s face to turn that pale.

“I need…I need to go…” Emma said and got away from the table before bolting upstairs. Paul laughed awkwardly.

“I should-“

“You go…” Tom looked away. Becky kissed his knuckles and watched Paul run off to comfort Emma. She looked at Tom.

“We’re okay, Tom. We can do this.”

“I just wanted Emma to think it was okay,”

“Hey, I’m sure she’ll come around. Remember, honey, even in the dark, the road is bright.” And Tom nodded.

* * *

“John?!” Xander called as he hung his jacket up on the peg, throwing his keys down on the counter. “I’m home!” He said with a smile. They lived in a fairly large house with grey walls, upon John’s request. Pictures of them and Elle were scattered around the room. John and Xander’s medals were hanging up, framed, on the back end of the living room wall. They had the nicest house they could have. The carpet was a darker grey, as John had wished for it to be. It was always about John, and he didn’t mind. John had always been less fortunate than Xander, and Xander wanted John to feel comfortable around him. That’s why Xander did everything John wanted. He loved John and he couldn’t wait to marry him. He smiled as he heard John running downstairs. He barely had time to process himself being pinned against the wall and John’s lips pressing against his, hard. Xander smiled and kissed him back, letting himself be pinned, holding John tight. “I missed you too.” He said as he pulled away. “But I thought I top?”

“Oh, shut up, Xander. You’ve been gone all day.” He said and cupped Xander’s face, pulling him back into a needed kiss. Xander smiled and pulled away again.

“Alright, Jay, let me settle back home first. Then I’ll take you to bed.” He said and smiled as he kissed John’s cheek to tease him, walking to sit on the couch, John trailing behind like a lost puppy. “What’s gotten you so eager tonight anyways? You’re not usually the one to pin me to the wall. It’s typically the other way around.”

“Ha ha, I’m laughing so hard right now Xander. That is the peak of comedy.” John said sarcastically but leaned against Xander’s arm. He smiled up at his fiancé. “I just missed you today, that’s all.” He said and nudged Xander’s arm like a cat.

“That’s all?”

“Most definitely.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you?” That time, John seemed to tense up before relaxing, a sigh escaping John’s lips. “What’s up, John?” Xander asked, his voice immediately softening. John dropped his eyes from Xander back to the floor, almost ashamed to speak. “You can tell me, you know.”

John took a deep breath and moved away from Xander to look him in the eye. “I miss her. It’s too lonely without her. Too quiet. I hate the silence. She radiated the only noise we ever needed, and now she’s living at PEIP with Jack and pursuing her own courier in chemistry while Jack makes his ways up the ranks…and she isn’t her anymore. I’ve raised that girl since she was eleven, and eight years later, she’s moved out and starting her own life. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve done everything for that girl of mine and…she isn’t my daughter anymore…”

“Now, that’s what I call bullshit, sweetheart.” Xander put his hand on John’s shoulder. “Elle will always be your daughter. She’s just growing up.”

“Yeah. And she won’t want to see me when she does grow up. Why do you think she doesn’t want to work at PEIP anymore, Zee?”

“That isn’t your fault. She just found a better interest in Chemistry, which is a segment PEIP doesn’t offer just yet.”

“I just miss her.”

“I know you do, but we can’t control her. We want Elle to be happy, right?”

“Right.”

“And we’re gonna support her with whatever happens, right?”

“Right.”

“And you’ll always love your girl, right?”

“Of course.”

“So, there isn’t anything to worry about.” He said with a smile and kissed John’s cheek. “She’s your daughter. Genetics aren’t always everything.” He looked at John again. “You’re wasting away by grieving over her when she isn’t dead yet.”

“but she was.”

“But we got her back. Elle McNamara is alive and well and in Jack’s care. I know you find it hard to trust him, but we gotta put our faith in him. He makes Elle happy just like you do. There doesn’t always need to be that protective father figure in her life when she needs it. She’s her own person and we love her for it. It’s almost like telling her ‘what’s the use of trying if you can’t be free?’ And if that continues to progress, she’ll be fading every day, like you are. I know you don’t want to, but you gotta let her go.”

“Never.”

“Metaphorically. Let her be her own person and she’ll appreciate you more than she already does.” John looked at Xander.

“You promise?”

“Of course, I promise.” John leaned back in to kiss Xander; Xander kissed back. “Someone seems desperate.” Xander smiled against John’s lips. “Doesn’t impress me.”

“Oh, shut up, Lee.” And everything was okay. But was it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fruit salad thing was based on a real conversation I had in Maths on Wednesday. Anyways, I PROMISE COLONEL FELICITY GODDAMN FUCKING SCHAFFER MAKES A RETURN IN A CHAPTER SOON TO COME AND HER ENTRANCE IS GONNA BE BADASS AND IT'S GONNA SNATCH YOUR WEAVES 
> 
> (also not naming anyone, but an ao3 author I've been reading since early 2019 when i first watched TGWDLM commented on the fic last night and I actually cried and it's the only thing that I'll be talking about until black friday. so tHANK YOU sO much (i'm a very big fan of said person and i found out they followed me on instagram when i was in the school bathrooms and started crying) so don't be afraid to leave comments!! i appreciate them!!)
> 
> Here is your reminder we have a group chat for the SYPF series on instagram. My instagram is @robertstanion and for my art it's @ticklemewiggly. My spam is @jonmattestan but we don't talk about that. 
> 
> Also, a really big warning, the Xander & Cross subplot I have planned is gonna kill you off. I'm apologising in advance
> 
> ANYWAYS ILY - J


	26. Ultimate Entrepreneur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i've never spelt entrepreneur in my life:
> 
> JACKNAMARA, DADNAMARA AND PAULKINS

It had been a few days since boxing day and was now nearing the new year. Paul had recently received invitations for Tom and Becky’s new years party. Everyone was gonna be there. The Lowerys, the Simmons’, the McNamara’s, everyone. Everyone except them so far. Emma hadn’t taken a liking to Tom’s new fiancée, and it hurt her. It had only been two years since Jane had died, and Tom had gotten over himself so quickly and Emma still struggled to even say her name on good days. She hadn’t spoken to Paul since Tom and Becky had come around here. She hadn’t left their bed. She’d cried a lot more, however. It wasn’t her fault. She just wanted her sister back. Was that so much to ask? Tom obviously didn’t care about her either. No. He didn’t care as much as she did because two years after Jane died, he’d gone back to fucking his ex from high school. That felt like salt to an open wound.

She’d changed.

She knew Paul had only been trying to help, but she didn’t want to be spoken to. She didn’t want to be spoken to or hugged. Not when she felt her family had been used. No, they hadn’t been the richest of families, but it’s not like her parents weren’t rich. It made her sick. Jane had only been used for money. Emma pieced it together after she got the news of Tim’s birth. She knew what Tom was up to. She knew all the way back then yet felt it was her fault. She should have been there to coax Jane out of the trouble she’d get into, dating an ex-soldier and all, but she wasn’t there. She had bought a ticket home…but hadn’t used it. She’d let cowardice overwhelm her and stop her from going.

She hadn’t wanted to see what her sister had become.

Now Tom was in her life, as well as that fiery rah-rah cheerleader of his, she hated him. It didn’t take much to understand the hatred Emma radiated when she was around others lately. She was pointing out everyone’s insecurities, reverting back to what she used to be before Black Friday when she worked at Beanies, when she didn’t know Paul.

God, Paul. The best thing that had ever happened to her. Her tall, lanky, brunette beanstalk of a boyfriend. The same person who ordered black coffee every time he entered the store just so she had an easy job to do. He cared about her when nobody else would. When nobody else, specifically aimed at her sister and her family, forgot she existed. When she was nothing more than self-observant and ‘bitchy,’ he would be there every day for weeks. Ever since she returned to Hatchetfield in the December of 2017, losing all her faith in herself and having to go through several rounds of finding her identity, he remained at the counter by her side.

The day she asked him on a date was an exhausting one. He looked tired and she’d been hit on several times with two different threats of being fired. It wasn’t fair on her, but she still asked him when she left a little note on his coffee cup saying _hey Paul, I find you really fucking attractive and it’s a really shitty day for the two of us. For this reason, how about we go see a movie tonight at 7? I’ll pay if you pick me up – TLH (The Latte Hottay x.) _The look on Paul’s face had been priceless as he went red. She smiled and motioned to the napkin he was holding, which had her address and phone number written on it. He nodded and rushed out the café just in time for her to be yelled at, yet again.

When they first started dating officially, well, when they _got _to go on the date after the one they were intending to go on, on the 28th of July 2018, had been rescheduled to the 28th of July 2018 in a new dimension after they’d both woken up in hospital beds and all this new information about dimension 1 being blown up. Like a new-born baby, the memories of the apotheosis they had had slowly faded away over the year they’d been with each other. Now all they needed was to remain still and slow with each other and ensure they didn’t hit each other’s weak points. It wasn’t fair on them. They needed each other. If they were separated now, she’d definitely crumble…

Emma needed him.

There she went again. She thought of him and tears welled up in her eyes. She balled her hands into fists and her knuckles turned white. She choked back sobs. She was such an asshole to him, and he still stayed with her. He didn’t need to. He chose to. That was the worst thing about it. She would never be good enough for a guy like Paul, still hung up on her sister’s ex-husband and his antics. Why couldn’t she move on? Tears slipped faster and her breathing became ragged. She wanted to be okay. She wanted to forgive and forget.

She wanted so badly.

She began to sob and Paul heard. He got up and ran to their room where he saw her crying. “Hey hey hey, shh shh shh it’s okay, I’m here.” He said and lay on the bed next to her, immediately pulling her into a hug. He kissed her forehead and held her against him. “Shh it’s Paul, Paul’s here, Em. I’m gonna stay.”

“You should find someone else-“ She choked and balled his shirt into her hands. He shook his head.

“Emma, we’ve been through this. I love you. I love nobody else; I’d do everything for you.”

“But you shouldn’t.”

“But I want to. Emma, it’s okay.”

“It’s far from it.”

“I know. But hey! You have a right to be upset. I’d be upset in your scenario too. It hurts when someone who married into the family moves on that quickly. I know. But I know how much family matters to you. And I have a message for you.”

“You do?” She sniffed and he nodded.

“They’ve invited us to the new years party. Everyone’ll be there, but it doesn’t mean we have to go.”

“Okay…”

“And you don’t have decide yet either.” She nodded again, tears slowly drying.

“Hey Paul?”

“Yeah Em?”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

* * *

It hadn’t taken much at all to turn Jack into a protective boyfriend. He insisted he do all the work around the house. All of the cooking, cleaning, laundering and drying went to him now. Neither him nor Elle knew how far along she was, and Jack had never been a father before, so he wouldn’t take any chances. He didn’t want the love of his life, or his unborn baby, getting hurt. Today, Jack was, finally, getting ready to go to work. He was worried about leaving Elle alone today though. She wasn’t feeling the best. She hadn’t been since they found out, but this time was worse. He supported her as he fastened up his badge, “Elle, are you sure you’re gonna be okay?” He asked as she smiled.

“You know I will be.” She said, clipping the badge and taking his hands. Though insistent that she was okay, she looked pale and had already let slip she felt nauseous. Even with her persistent that she was fine, they both knew by the end of the day she wouldn’t be. Still, he nodded and kissed her cheek, her cheeks dusted with blush. He smiled then.

“Hey, you call me on the radio if anything happens, okay?”

“Jack…” She laughed tiredly and leaned against his chest. “Go to work.” She said as he wrapped his arms around her. She looked up and kissed his jaw. “I love you Jez, but you’re gonna be late.”

“You’re more important.” He lifted her up and tucked her back into bed. He crouched down and kissed her cheek again. “I love you too, Elle. Now rest.” She nodded and waved goodbye to him. He captured her smile in the frame of his mind and closed their bedroom door. He walked down their Van Gogh inspired hallways and into the main area of PEIP, which was currently bustling with life. Soldiers of different ranks, races and sexualities all in one area, folders tucked neatly under their arms, each heading to a destination. Some were carrying clipboards and were racing around the area. Then there was another man at the end of the large area who had just walked through the door. Jack nodded at him and he nodded back. He walked over to Jack and Jack looked down.

“How is she, Private?” he asked, rubbing his neck nervously. Jack nodded again to confirm his statement before he spoke it.

“She’s doing alright today, sir. A little nauseous and a little pale but that should clear up by the end of today. No temperature.”

The other soldier nodded. “Thank you…may I?” He asked and looked up. His hair was tucked into a neat bun and his blue eyes were cloudy. The General spoke with an edge to his voice, almost asking for confirmation to see his own daughter, but this was his superior _and _the father to his girlfriend. He ensured his posture was straight before nodding again. He pushed open the door and let John through before clicking the button on his radio.

_Eleanor McNamara, you got a visitor._

* * *

Elle was lying back in bed. Since Jack and her had found out about their baby a few days ago, they had both decided on keeping it a secret in case they lost it or there were further complications. They were both scared about the unknown, but they knew they were ready to take this next step in their relationship. However, by keeping the secret, it meant wearing more of Jack’s hoodies and less of her own tight-fitting clothes. It also meant switching her own leather jacket for Xander’s oversized jackets. But if it meant protecting her for now, then it was the only way they could do it. She still felt incredibly sick, so she stayed laying down, not risking anything. A hand was laying across her stomach as she looked through her phone. There wasn’t anything unusual happening, and her timeline was boring. She huffed and threw her phone down as her radio went off. Her eyes widened when she heard about the visitor and sat up. Unfortunately for her, her head began to spin and it made her feel worse, so she lay back down just as there was a knock at the door. Not just any knocks. Three stern knocks and Elle identified the person before he came into view. She couldn’t help but smile, bracing herself for the nervous stuttering about to occur. “Hi dad.” The door clicked open and John walked in, rubbing the back of his neck. She looked at her father. “You really do not want me to leave home, huh?”

“Jack told me you weren’t well…” He said and a nervous smile raised on his face. He walked over to his daughter and sat by her on the bed. “What’s up?”

“I just feel a little sick, that’s all.”

“Yeah, you look a bit pale, darling.” He put his hand on her forehead. After realising she didn’t have a temperature, he began to gently stroke her hair. She smiled and leaned into his touch.

“Yeah, Jack told me. That’s why I’m in bed.” She said and looked at him.

“I like what you’ve done with the place. It’s very…”

“Me?”

“Yeah…” He chuckled softly. “It’s strange without you at home though.”

“You told me before.”

“But it’s too quiet. There’s no music playing in the house every time I come home anymore. Occasionally there’s Xander humming, but apart from that it’s silent. And it’s even worse when you hear your boots thudding on the carpet and there’s a very faint echo. There’s no more musical theatre songs anymore.”

“You still don’t like musicals, do you?”

“I’ve…become immune…to the hate…”

“You chose to adopt me.” She smiled wider and looked up at him. “I know you get worried about me when I’m not singing and dancing, but everyone gets sick sometimes.”

“You never are one to feel nauseous. That’s why I’m worried.”

“It’s just a migraine, dad, I promise if it was anything worse, I’d have gotten Jack to tell you as if it were an SOS mission. You know that.” John nodded, the worry never fading from his eyes. She frowned. “Look, I’m 19 now, dad. I’m an adult. I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can. But-“

“You still want to be my father. We’ve had this conversation before. But you really don’t need to be here. Jack’s already told you what I’ve repeated. So please, get back to work, save the world, I’m okay.”

“You promise?”

Elle nodded again. “Of course, I promise.” John nodded, sighing. He stood up and kissed her hair.

“Take care of yourself for me, okay Elle?” He smiled at her. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”


	27. Die Without A Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Today's Chapter Title Bought To You By Starry's Where Are We Going?:  
sorry i couldn't think of a black friday lyric
> 
> Jack meets two people and a character returns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
Guns  
Shooting  
Blood  
Vomit  
Abuse

Jack took a steady breath and exhaled as he walked into the room he’d been assigned to take this file. It was a heavy thing and Jack was concerned. Still, he opened the door. “Morning, Xander.”

Xander had his lab coat on and his goggles placed on his forehead as he scribbled something down. He turned his head over his shoulder and smiled as he stood back up. “Got the goods?”

“Zee, I’m dropping off a file, not drugs.” Jack smiled and passed him the envelope. “I don’t know what’s in it. Schaf just told me to give it to you and here I am.”

“No, it’s no worries.” He said and clapped Jack on the back. “How’s sunshine?”

“Elle? Oh, pale and nauseous, but she’s getting better. She’s had medicine and everything, but John went in there panicking. He even asked me for _permission_ this time.”

Xander laughed, smiling wide. “Yeah, he hasn’t stopped worrying about the girl since you told us she was coming down with something.” He paused. “She’s okay though?”

“Oh yeah, don’t worry. She’s just got flu or something. It’ll pass.”

“You’re a good man, Jack. Taking after her and everything. John doesn’t trust anyone to take care of Elle. He was wary when you two started dating, of course, any father would be, but you’re amazing with how you talk to her, act with her, you don’t put on a façade around her.”

Jack shrugged, red faced. “I just love her. And I really hope she knows that. I never want her to get hurt. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. But there was something about Elle. You see, when I joined PEIP I was in…a rough place…and I thought I’d never find love or a family. And then I met Elle and you guys and you know? You’ve both treated me so well, you and John, and you haven’t needed to. I don’t understand why you do it, but I’m really quite grateful for it.”

Xander smiled and set the goggles down. “Jay doesn’t like discussing his past. Her never has and he never will, but it wasn’t good. I won’t disrespect your General by telling you things he doesn’t want his team to know, but he’s been there. He’s had multiple rough places. So, when he hired you, well, when Schaffer did, she kept that in mind. John’s willing to help his team with anything. Me and Schaf, we may have helped _him _when he first joined PEIP, and he carries out our legacy.” Xander laughed. “It’s what he says anyway. When there’s a new recruit, he’ll come home and he’ll go ‘Xander, today we carried out your legacy and we got a great new kid on our team,’ always, he’ll say that. I love him.” Xander smiled again and faced Jack. “I’m just glad you’re treating our Elle the same.” 

Jack nodded and saluted to Xander as the door opened. Jack turned around and saw John drenched in…water? He looked at the two, sighing angrily. He shook his head, his teeth grit. “She threw up on me.”

Xander grimaced. “Yeah uh, spare change of clothes in the supply closet-do not kiss me while you’re covered in water vomit water!” Xander said, immediately ducking away from John as he went to get clothes.

John bit on his thumb as he grabbed spare clothes and turned on his heel to face Jack. “Jacknamara!” he said, putting on a false British accent. “Eleanor wants to see you.” He said and Jack snapped another salute as he turned to run out the room.

Elle needed him.

He started walking down the halls passing each corridor, watching the fascinating experiments taking place within each room. He loved his job. He’d die serving his country.

Maybe then his mother would be proud of him.

He turned a corner and fumbled for his keys. As he was finding the right one, from the corner of his eye, he noticed a purple gleam on the floor. Stopping in his tracks, hands frozen in time, looking at the blinding light reflecting off the newly cleaned floors. Knowing curiosity was getting the better, he slid his keys back in his pockets. He walked away from the safety of the stars and walked towards the darkness.

Funnily enough, everything else around the light was dark. The hallway, which had lights on moments ago, was now pitch black. All the rooms seemed to be at a standstill with no activity going on in either of the six. It was just Jack and Jack alone. Swallowing the stone that had formed in his throat, he ignored the prickling static on his skin and moved further toward the light. He knew it would be a bad idea. He knew it was, yet he didn’t stop until his hand was pressed against the metal plate. The air seemed colder now as Jack began to shake. Possibly out of fear, probably not. He pushed open the door and stepped inside. He opened his eyes and the lights were back on. He could hear the hum of fresh activity continuing behind him. Jack looked behind him through the glass in the door. Everything was normal.

Wasn’t it?

He sighed a sigh of relief as he turned around to face the inside of the room. Jack gasped as he realised what room he was in.

Something PEIP liked to call the Target Room.

Any wanted criminal who had leaked information about PEIP or betrayed the organisation were instantly put on the board. Their faces and a small information chart as to why. But not only that. The portal for The Black and White was also stored in this room. Hardly any people even went in this room to begin with, which is why it was the safest option to store the portal here. There would be no mishaps with the frame. It wasn’t a toy, nor was it someone else’s responsibility. It was PEIP’s, and the frame was glowing purple. There was a voice coming from the eery glow. _Join us, Jacknamara. It’s nice in here. Sunny, like California. It never rains. _Jack became nervous. That voice sounded…like someone he knew, but at the same time, he’d never heard the voice in his life. With a breath shortage, his hand rattled the door handle in attempt to open the door, but the door was jammed shut. Something was determined to get out the portal, and if not, something was determined to trap him in. Adrenaline beginning to pump faster, he banged on the door, keeping his back turned. He screamed for help, but nobody seemed to answer his calls. He was alone.

Wasn’t he?

He thought so too until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Jumping, he spun around, face to face with a man. A man, around 6”1, with red hair, slicked back, wearing denim. The man beside him was 6”1 as well with jet black hair. Neither of the two wore a friendly smile. The first to speak was the red head, the one holding Jack.

“Is this the guy?” He asked, turning to the other man, who nodded.

“Oh, that’s Jack alright. Jack Edward Martins born 27th August. That’s you, isn’t it? The guy who got my slut of a daughter pregnant-“

“Who are you?!” Jack snapped, pulling himself away, pressing his back against the door, earning a laugh from the redhead.

“Who are we? That’s a disgrace. We’d have thought our ex would have explained it. But seeing as he’s a pretentious little prick…” The redhead held out a hand. “Wilbur Cross, manufacturer of the Tickle Me Wigglys. I have been trapped inside The Black and White for over ten years now because he didn’t bother coming to get me. Did he, pup?” The black-haired man shook his head. “He was too busy fucking you.” Cross laughed and looked into the other guy’s eyes. “Oh, and how times changed. For this little puppy is all mine!” He said and pulled the other man next to him. He also held out a hand.

“I was the best Colonel PEIP ever saw.” He began, locking eyes with Jack. “I started working here with General Gareth Icacks.” A low chuckle rumbled from his throat. “And suddenly John comes along and steals my worth. I was holding PEIP’s statistics up! I AM THE REASON PEIP IS-“ Jack flinched at the sudden violence as Cross held him back.

“Puppy, be a good boy and introduce yourself.”

The other man snarled but let himself be held back by Cross, his lover. “Colonel Nicholas Johnson, the most dangerous Colonel PEIP ever encountered. But you may know me as Elle’s father.”

Jack’s eyes widened. Holy shit. Nicholas Johnson, as in _the _Nicholas Johnson who put the McNamara family through eight too many rounds of abuse. He felt fear hug him tightly. He tried the handle again as Nick grabbed Jack and threw him to the floor,

“And what’s this with Elle being pregnant? She’s 19. A slut, babe. She’s a slut.” Nick growled as he pinned Jack’s hands to the wall, looking at his lover, who nodded. “Besides, who would want a baby with ickle tiny baby Jack Martins?” Nick curled his bottom lip to put on a fake sad expression before grinning. “What happens if I were to say Sam Lowery.”

“Don’t.” Jack’s voice wavered as he looked into the man’s eyes.

“Sam Lowery and Charlotte Lowery. Pretty close friends of mine. So why did they hide you?” He was doing this deliberately. He wanted to see the pain in the younger boy’s eyes. Nick would make him suffer. His natural green eyes glowed a brighter, more neon colour as he laughed. “Or does Sam still not know you exist.”

“I don’t know what you want from me!”

“I want to kill you, because you fucked my girl.”

“Elle isn’t your daughter! She’s John’s!”

“My name is on Elle’s birth certificate…isn’t it? And therefore, legally, I am her father. They may have celebrated my death because they are ruthless and uncaring. We tried to warn you Jack. We warned you. We tried to steer you away from the McNamara’s, but what did you do? You went and fucked my girl! Now your DNA is intertwined with hers and your kid…they won’t be normal.”

“I don’t want a normal kid!” He shouted and pushed Nick away from him. “I want a healthy baby, man or woman, and fuck I don’t give a flying fuck if they’re nonbinary! I want a happy and healthy kid and you know what? I want Elle to be fucking happy as well! And that means keeping you away from her! You put _my _girl through months, no, years of extreme torture. There isn’t a logical reason for me to let you back in her life.”

“And what are you gonna do about it? Cry to your dad?!” Nick spat and watched the colour drain from Jack’s eyes. “Oh yeah. I forget. He doesn’t know you exist. Because your slut of a mother wouldn’t get rid of you, would she? So, she wore those sweaters to mask you. Didn’t she? Because you’re a mistake and you are not wanted. She threw you on the street as soon as you were born to “protect you.” Yeah. Protection is throwing a new-born out on the street. But oh no, Mr and Mrs Martins came and picked you up and raised you like their own son. And then Zoey was born. Did she never question why you didn’t look the same?”

“Well-“

“Exactly. She did, all the time, didn’t she?! And who got the limelight? It was Zoey wasn’t it? Cause your so-called parents knew the truth. So did you. They never tried to hide it, did they? That you weren’t biologically a Martins. No. Your name is Jack Edward L-“

“I’M NOT THEM!” He snapped. “For fucks sake I’m not them! I’m Jack Martins, soon to be fucking McNamara, I hope, because that girl, Eleanor Paula McNamara, deserves everything but me! And yeah, I know she’s traumatised and that’s why I haven’t told her anything! Don’t you think I won’t? I won’t tell her everything! Of course I will. She is the light of my goddamn life.”

“Now what would happen if we ripped that light away?” Cross finally spoke up. Nick spun around to face his lover, a low chuckle rising from the two men as the weapon was drawn in Cross’ hand. “We’re about to tell everyone your secret. All about the truth and who you really are. You lied to your General. Now, I’m not an idiot. I know that’s illegal and so does John. Speaking of John, where is he? Where is your lord and saviour when you need him? When you’re held at gunpoint with no weapon on you at all, what do you do?” Silence erupted from Jack. Cross laughed. “You do nothing. You sit and wait. You’re just a file boy. You’re useless as a Private. They don’t need you here, nor do they want you. They pitied you so they offered you a job. And you got an innocent girl pregnant. Now what are your last words?!”

“I have none to say.” Jack set his jaw as he looked at Cross in the eye. He ignored the loud bangs and the searing pains in his stomach. His hands, shaking, moved to the gunshot wounds as the two men laughed at him. He found it harder to stabilise his breathing as his hands became stained with red. Blood. Blood. His blood on his hands. Jack began to panic. He was gonna die. His vision blurred and his chest tightened as the two men continued to taunt him. Tears, by now, had began to fall. It wasn’t Jack’s fault. He just wanted to love Elle, and it’s what he’d do. Taking another shaky breath, he called for help.

Someone answered his prayers.

The door came crashing down as a woman decked in black denim and a Colonel’s badge held a taser out to the two men. “Last chance, Cross! Get your ass back in that portal!”

“We won’t be doing any such thing, Schaffer-“ but it was too late. Schaffer didn’t care what their answers were. Using the taser against the men, they soon collapsed on the floor.

“John, push them in. I’m dealing with the kid.” She said and rushed to Jack’s side. John walked in grinning as Nick groaned in pain.

“I have waited so many years to do this.” The General said, eyes flashing blue with delight as he began to kick the two men’s bodies back into the portal. He saw a moment of innocence in Nick, but John chose to ignore it, kicking him in. The portal soon hissed shut. John went back over to attend to Jack, who was crying and scared.

“I don’t wanna die!” He said panicked. “Please don’t let me die!”

“We aren’t gonna let that happen.” Schaffer moved Jack’s hand and put pressure on the wounds, forcing him to hiss and writhe in pain. “Jack how many times did you get shot?”

“Four or five? I think? Possibly more?” His voice was high pitched and frightened. “Don’t let me die. Please don’t let me die. I’m not ready to die I’ve gotta tell Flower so much-“ Flower was Elle. John’s heart broke at the sight of Jack. Jack had come from a normal life. The first-time getting shot was always the worst, but for it to happen to an innocent kid like Jack was even worse.

“Four or five in the stomach.” Schaffer nodded to confirm with herself as she picked up her radio. “We need a medical room cleared for Private Martins, four to five gunshots in the lower right stomach area. Order an X-Ray ASAP. Signing off.” She said as she let go of the button. “John, can you?”

“On it.” He said and lifted Jack up. “Hey son, I’m not letting you die okay? We’re gonna get you home to Elle in no time. You’re not dying in my care, understood?” He said as he began to quick walk to the medical room. Jack looked into his General’s eyes and nodded, but soon cried out in pain again. It was a heart wrenching scene. The agents knew one thing, however.

They weren’t giving up.

This was Jack. He was special to a special member of the McNamara family. He deserved the world, as did Elle. They’d sure as hell let him live his world with his world and create a world of their own. But for now, John had a new Private in his arms and he was dying. Or was he? He burst through the doors and set Jack on the bed. He was reluctant to leave the poor kid alone, but someone had to inform Elle. He collected his thoughts and left the medical bay.

* * *

He walked back to Xander’s office, still looking at Jack’s blood on his hands. He never thought he’d see the day. Jack was a strong guy, but when his weaknesses were hit, he would crumble. This was just one example. He pushed the door open to speak to his fiancé and also to wash his hands in the cleanest room nearby. Xander smiled at John before seeing the scene before his eyes widened. “What the fuck?!” He exclaimed, after being lost for words after a while. John shrugged.

“His bloody life on my bloody hands.”

“Whose blood is that?”

“Jack’s.”

“Martins?”

“Yep.”

“What the-“

“Nick and Wilbur decided to meet Jack today. I didn’t get there in time. Medical bay, 5 shots to the lower stomach region, I’ve gotta tell our kid.” He sighed and turned the tap on using his elbow. Xander sighed and rushed to John’s side, wrapping his arms round his waist.

“I’ll do it. Take a break.”

“Are you sure?” John looked shocked.

“It’s gonna be okay. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> w o w w e e e r e m a i n s q u o t e s casually dropped in there as a suck my dick to AQA. 
> 
> anyway xander has an important job and elle's bebey.   
BUT WHAT IS THIS??? JACK NOT A MARTINS MARTINS??? wow.


	28. What I Wanted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to black friday title lyrics 
> 
> DADNAMARA, ANGSTY ELLE AND IT GETS K I N K Y AT THE END

John felt useless. He was supposed to tell his own daughter that Jack was in hospital, yet he wasn’t stable enough to do so. That’s why Xander was taking root on the mission. Xander place a kiss on John’s forehead before they let go. He cocked his head and looked into John’s eyes. “She’ll understand.” He said seriously, earning only a nod from John before he took a seat in Xander’s chair. As concerned as he was, he had to go and tell their kid. He hoped Elle would understand and wouldn’t cause too much fuss. He didn’t want that today. He wanted to find the equation that was able to close the portal to The Black And White permanently. Still, he walked out of the room and closed the door and began his journey to Elle’s corridor.

As he walked around PEIP, there was a significant difference. There weren’t any bustling crowds anymore. Everything, besides the thudding of Xander’s boots echoing off the floor, was silent. The echoes, which were the only source of true noise, were quick to find home within the corridor floors. As he passed the rooms, which had once been buzzing with activity and noise, were now silent. The music that usually played from these rooms had been silenced, exactly like the people who worked in them. Everyone had sensed that something bad had happened. Something bad was happening. The fight hadn’t ended when Jack became a casualty. The fight never stopped, and it wouldn’t until the portal was shut. There were no songs in the precinct. The only lights that shone were the lamps being used for experiments. It was almost as if the place had gone into mourning for someone who wasn’t dead.

PEIP, as a collective, were changed.

Getting shot was always worse the first time around. You didn’t know what to expect when it happened; it’s not as if the movie’s portrayed it correctly anyway. No. They didn’t portray the fire. One cylinder of fire shaped by lead was bad enough, let alone five. Five cylinders of fire that punctured the skin, forcing your internal warmth to drip from the open. Through the warmth you’d had only moments ago, you watched it leak out through your ripped skin as you were replaced by the cold. Your body immediately goes into shock and you wouldn’t be able to stop the sensation as your body fights fire with ice.

Xander had never been shot before, thank god, but he’d witnessed many who had. It was always nauseating when he saw the first drop of crimson splash onto the pristine tiles of PEIP’s floor. Because of a bullet, Xander had the duty to tell the girlfriend of Cross’ latest victim the truth. The truth that Jack went in alive but may not make it out. He turned the corner and approached Elle’s corridor of a house. John wouldn’t have locked up behind him. He walked in and was swarmed with panicked static that made his hair stand on end. He knew she was panicking. He had to calm her down. There was only one way he could do that…

It was to give her Jack.

He stood still, admiring the beauty of the place before he was interrupted by Elle’s voice. “Zee…is that you?” Xander felt himself relax, only to stiffen back up again when he remembered what he was there for.

“Yes, Elle, it’s me.” He said as he walked to her room. He pushed open the door to see her sitting up straight, colour back in her cheeks, a bottle of water half empty. She smiled at him, but there was obvious anxiety present in her pupils.

“Hey Zee! I missed you!” She said, trying to mask her fear, but failing. She shuffled along the bed so Xander could sit down, to which he did.

“I missed you too…” He knew what he would say would ruin her. “How you feelin’, kiddo?”

“Sick.” She admitted but turned to face him. “Don’t get me wrong or anything, I love to see you, but dad’s already come to see me once today…has something happened?” She asked seriously.

He sighed but took her hands. “Elle…something has happened…” He told her and he watched the anxiety increase, which she tried to force down.

“If dad’s gotten hurt, please tell him I’ll be there later to visit-“

“Jack’s been shot.” He cut her off, not daring to look at her. “Five shots to the stomach. Schaffer got to him before it was too late…but-“

“Jack- no no no! No! Jack- he’s fine!” She laughed stubbornly, in denial.

“I’m sorry…”

“It can’t be true! He’s strong, he’ll fight!”

“It happened.”

“Who shot him then? What actually happened? Who shot my Jack!” Tears were now in her widened eyes. The sight hurt Xander more than any physical pain he’d ever experienced.

“To put it simplistically, your father met Jack. And introduced him to his new lover.”

“But dad’s met Jack and he isn’t cheating…?!” She looked at Xander, confusion growing as time progressed. The look in Xander’s eyes told Elle all the answers she needed. “Nick?! Nick got to Jack?!”

“Elle, I’m sorry-“

“This is bad. This is bad! Xander, I-I need to see him!”

“Elle, you aren’t allowed to?!”

“And who told you that!” She burst and looked at him, the first blue crystal that fell from her eye dropped on to the covers. “Was it father’s orders to protect me because he won’t stop worrying?!” Spite and sadness laced her voice as she laughed, upset. “Of course it was. Well, dad doesn’t control me anymore and I know my body better than anyone else. I’m going to see my boyfriend.” She pulled back the covers as Xander opened his mouth to speak but she stopped him. “Xander, I need to see my boy. Jack needs me.” She got out of bed and shakily, she made her way out the door.

If Jack needed her, she’d be there.

* * *

“So anyway.” Lex started as she continued to walk alongside Ethan, Hannah content on the boy’s shoulders. They’d all decided to go out as a family today. They struggled to find a destination that would satisfy the entirety of the group, but settled on Oakley Park, a place with a vast field and a playground so Hannah could wear herself out. It also gave Ethan and Lex some privacy too. They were looking around for somewhere to sit as Ethan plucked Hannah from his shoulders and set her on her hip, to which she fastened herself around his waist. Lex couldn’t think of a way to end her sentence until she saw a familiar blonde appear from a brown bricked building, leaning against a tree, cigarette in hand. Lex new this guy far too well for her own good. “You know Elle? The one who came into Toy-Zone last year?”

“McNamara?” Ethan asked, supporting Hannah’s weight with his life.

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah. I remember her.”

“Well, that’s her father.” Lex said. Ethan stuttered on his words as she watched his girlfriend run towards the soldier. She smiled as she skidded on the grass, grasping John’s shoulder to stead herself. “Hey Dadnamara!” She smiled, breaking the blonde out of his trance. He turned to look at the teen and smiled. However, his eyes were still clouded over with a venomous thought.

“Hey Lex.” He said, used to the nickname she’d given him years ago. “How are you?”

“I’m good! And you?”

“Life’s a bit chaotic at the moment, dear, I will not lie to you.” He took another drag of the cigarette and exhaled the smoke. “My daughter has fallen with a mysterious illness, and my fiancé is working all the time to close some sort of- anyway that information is classified to us agents only.”

“You got a fiancé, John? Who’s the lucky girl?” She leaned against the tree beside him and lit a cigarette of her own.

“For one, I am the furthest from being heterosexual I can be. Two, his name is Xander Lee. He works with me. He’s the best damn field agent I’ve ever met.” He said and looked at Lex. “And what about you? Are you invested in a relationship as well?”

“Oh yeah. His name’s Ethan.” She turned around and saw Hannah running around with Ethan in the sun, gold shining on both of their faces. Her heart melted. She took a breath. “ETHAN HE’S HOMOSEXUAL!”

Ethan looked up from the game he was playing with Hannah and ran over to Lex. “Sup Jay.” He said and held out a hand. “Ethan Green. Lexi’s told me so much about you.” There was an inch of sarcasm embedded in his words, but it didn’t matter. John looked up into the boy’s eyes and recognised him instantly. John took the younger boy’s hand and shook it with three firm shakes.

“General John McNamara of the United States Military, special unit P.E.I.P. We’ve had a brief encounter just last year.” He said and let go, returning to the cigarette. Ethan nodded and wrapped his arms around Lex’s shoulders, causing her to giggle. John allowed the tiniest smile to appear on his face.

“Hannah wants me to go play again, babe, so I’ll be over there if you need me. Nice seeing you again, sir!” Ethan called and ran back to Hannah, resuming the game. Lex laughed and shook her head.

“He’s amazing with Hannah. He’s an amazing guy. I’d never ask for anyone better-“ There was a rustle from somewhere nearby, drawing both of the two to stop and look around. After not seeing an abnormality anywhere close, Lex started up again. “He’s amazing. We’ve had our challenges as every couple faces but I love him. I really do.”

“Alexandra Foster, I never saw you as the sappy type.” John smiled, flicking ash off the end of the cigarette, a light blush flushing Lex’s face.

“It’s not sappy! It’s honesty.” Her lip curled up to show the bite behind her words, but John’s smile only softened.

“How is Toy-Zone treating you?” John asked, wanting to continue talking to the girl.

“Ah, left that shit ages ago. Left to fuck off to California. And I’m still in Hatchetfield. However, after Black Friday, I’m quick to see that Hatchetfield isn’t as much as a shit show as I once thought! I live down the road from Tom Houston and Becky Barnes now.”

“So, you got you and Hannah out of the caravan like you always said you would?”

“Fuck yeah we did.” She smiled. “Hey John, can I ask a question?”

“Of course, my dear.”

“Well, because we’re remaining in Hatchetfield now, permanently, until we’re a bit older…is there any way I could…not turn down the job you offered me years ago that I turned down years ago but I’m in desperate need of now?” She asked taking another breath on her cigarette. He looked at her.

“Are you suggesting I allow you on my team?” He raised an eyebrow. Lex nodded frantically.

“Yeah! That’s 100% what I’m getting at! Thank God, I worded it correctly and it didn’t just sound like word vomit!”

“Give me one reason why I should allow you on my team.” John’s lips began to curl into a more sinister smile that only the two knew the true meaning behind it.

“Because you still worship me.”

“I do not believe I worshipped you to begin with.”

“Of course you did! Everyone on the programme did! And you ran the programme!” She chuckled and smiled wide. “No, the reason I believe you should allow me on your team is because I can do calculations pretty quick, I can build things and I can run. And I’ve seen a lot since last year, so I’m mentally unstable but hey!”

“I’ll register you in for a proper interview later on this evening. The chances are looking likely, Lex. Glad to have you back.”

“Glad to be back, sir.” She smiled.

“I should get going. Eleanor isn’t holding up too well and her boyfriend’s just been shot.”

“Duty calls.” She mocked and John rolled his eyes. “See ya John! Tell Elle to give you my number!”

“I don’t have a phone. If you want to check the time, you use a watch, the fabric of the universe deserves it’s own form of measurement.”

“He hasn’t changed.” She beamed. “Thanks John! You’re the best!” She crushed the cigarette beneath her shoe as she went to go and join her boyfriend and sister. John watched the brunette rush away and couldn’t help but shake his head. Neither of the two had changed, and she’d always be a second daughter to him. He strode away from the scene, unbeknownst to the third pair of eyes stalking him from the bush, a lime green glow protruding from the leaves.

“Yes, Gerald, she is there. And yes, you were correct, she did go and speak to the McNamara.” A smooth voice spoke. “Of course I’ll let them know.” She declined the button on her phone and stood up. She brushed her cape of and adjusted the neck of her sweater, sweeping her blonde hair behind her shoulder and strolled away, her eyes returning to the normal hazel.

* * *

“Wilbur?” Nick asked, sprawled out against one of the couches in their shared house.

“What is it, darling?” He asked from the kitchen, washing the blood off his jacket.

“Why can’t I have you to myself?” He whined and sat himself up on the couch, adjusting the black _Yours Only _shirt he was wearing, contrasting his white jeans. Wilbur rolled his eyes.

“Puppy, we’ve been through this. You’re have a boyfriend who has a girlfriend. You need to learn to share.”

“I don’t like sharing. It’s pathetic.” His lip curled and he grimaced. “It’s not as if _Linda _offers overwhelming pleasure for you, is it?”

“Calm down now, poppet. Someone’s getting jealous.” Wilbur had given up on washing the blood off and threw the jacket in the sink, soap coating the denim. He wiped his hands clean on his jeans and plopped himself down beside Nick. “I don’t like the jealous. Be a good boy and you’ll get a treat when mother comes home.” He said and grabbed Nick’s chin, forcing him to look at Wilbur. Nick practically melted under his touch.

“I hate you.” He grumbled as he moved closer to Wilbur, who smiled and kissed Nick. Nick made no hesitation to lie down on the couch, giving Wilbur full access. Nick smiled as his breaths became desperate. In the middle of their shenanigans, Linda opened the door. She examined the scene and rolled her eyes.

“You boys are like magnets. You can’t keep off of each other.” She said and threw her cape and hat off and sat in the middle of the two men, earning a lost whimper from Nick.

“Babe! Stop her!” He huffed and folded his arms, watching a pleased grin from Wilbur spread.

“Give me a kiss, cinnabon.” Wilbur said as Linda stretched up to kiss him.

“I bring news.” She said as she pulled away. “Alexandra Foster just scored a job at PEIP. The little teen with the weird sister. We’ve already met Ethan. We had a lot of fun with him.” Her eyes sparked with electricity and the men laughed.

“Ooooh! The Foster’s at PEIP! Two visits in two days! How about it, puppy?”

“Only if I get treated after for being in the same building as my horrific ex.”

“Of course.” Wilbur said, ruffling Nick’s hair. He turned to the pair. “But I believe cinnabon gets her treat today. Nicky, wanna join along?”

Neither declined.

There was fire in the air, an uncontrollable storm. Something bad was happening and it was about to get worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tAG yourself i'm the "I'm Yours" shirt from book 1. 
> 
> also catch my use of metaphors and me describing bullets as "cylinder fire" or some shit


	29. Oops.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm incredibly sorry, i've had writers block. proper chapter up later anyway-

Chapter 29:

Staggering through the halls of PEIP, Elle McNamara had settled on gripping on to the walls. Jack was hurt and only now had she found out why. Nick had gotten to the love of her life. Nick Johnson, the guy who had signed the adoption papers, had found her boyfriend and as a consequence had hurt him. The white walls that had once been comforting to her had since been blood splattered in her eyes as red dots swarmed her vision. It wasn’t her fault and she knew that. John was just trying to protect her. He always had been. She, however, was nineteen and she was fully vapable of taking care of herself. She didn’t need these set barriers. She didn’t need any guidelines. To learn, she had to make mistakes. She had to make mistakes she’d learn from. For example, her unorn child.

No, don’t think lkike that, she persuaded herself to commit the acrion. It wasn’t as if anyone was listening to her mind was it? Of course it wasn’t. Her one goal was to find Jack and to care for him. He always cared for her, why couldn’t she care for him? Pregnancy shouldn’t be able tos tiop her from caring for those she loved, should it? She had no boundaries, only the ones she’d set for herself mentally. She’d break through the barriers and allow herself to become free.

She was free.

She walked down the corridors, feeling the colour drain from her face, and she noticed another coworker striding the other way. She grabbed his arm and spun him to face her. “Brigadier, what room is Private Jack Martins in?” The Brigadier looked confused until he looked behind him.

“Oh! Room 203, ma’am.” Elle nodded to dismiss him and walked in that direction.

As she looked in the room, she noticed how frail he looked. He was attached to IV’s and there were three different nurses surrounding him. His head was lolled to the side and the movement of his jaw indicated he was on the phone to someone. She pressed her ear to the door to listen, but was unsuccessful. She waited another while before she stepped inside.

“Yes, mom, I know I should have been more careful but I’d appreciate you listening to me.” He sighed. “Yes, I’ll be home as soon as I can. I promise. No, I’ll get everything packed I swear, mom you can’t just say I’m unable to see my family- mom? Mom!” He sighed as the phone declined. He moved his eyes to the door and saw Elle. He was alive but definitely not well. He tried to sit up, but was met by Elle holding him down.

“Jack, you’re lying down for a reason.”

“Yeah, and that reason sucks.” He huffed but understood why he had to stay laying down. “You’re supposed to be in bed.”

“And you’re supposed to be at work, but the plan didn’t work for either of us now, did it?”

“No.”

“Exactly.” She gently took his hand and looked at him. “May you explain to me what happened?”

“God, you sound like your dad…” He said, but gestured to a file beside him. Elle quickly took it and flicked through.

_Name: Jack Edward Lowery (Martins)_

_Age: 20_

_Birthday: 22nd August 1999_

_Injury: Seven bullet wounds to the body. Five to the stomach, two to the chest. _

_Medicine: IV drip, surgery, antibiotics._

Elle shut the folder and let it drop to the floor. “I have so many questions…”

“I don’t remember getting shot seven times, I lost my sense of arithmetic in my panic attack-“

“Lowery? Jack Lowery? As in…Sam and Charlotte Lowery?”

“Who?” He asked, feigning stupidity.

“Sam Lowery, chief of the HFPD. Charlotte Lowery, works at CCRP Technical? She had a miscarriage years ago…”

“Yeah uh…Sam doesn’t know I exist and I’d like to keep it that way…” He said and pulled his hand away. “I’m not a Lowery, okay? I’m a Martins.”

“Zoey isn’t your sister?”

“Elle, please, I’ll explain some other time, not when my life’s at stake.”

“Right…” The two remained in silence for a while. They didn’t need to speak. Their company was loud enough for each other. It was all they needed. Each other was what they needed. It was enough and they were okay.


	30. Drove You Insane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John has to put up with his dreadful ex, his dreadful ex's boyfriend and his dreadful ex's boyfriend's girlfriend,,, part 6?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
SUICIDE  
ASSAULT.

Chapter 30:

John, still confused about the situation with him and Elle, sat in the interview room waiting for Lex. There wasn’t really anyone who would fully understand the situation. He needed to breathe. If he focused then he’d be just fine. There wasn’t really anything he could do except wait. He could wait for the storm to pass. He’d numbed his feelings up and sat stone-faced. Getting angry wouldn’t solve anything. Besides that, it was Elle’s body. Who was he to tell her what she should be doing with it? The answer was that he shouldn’t. He ensured she was safe all her life. He’d continue to do so now. However, the pain she would withstand when she had the baby would be pain he’d be unable to protect her from. He felt as if he were the failure. He felt as if he were a demon that only bought the darkness to everyone’s life. He couldn’t stop this pain. He felt as if he were the cause of it.

As anger began to burn his veins, as the heat began to fill the room, he grabbed a cigarette. He clenched the drug between his teeth as he watched the flame burst to life. He didn’t hesitate to inhale the fumes before they could diffuse to the atmosphere around him. He felt the burning in his lungs, but chose to ignore it. It was now a same-old scenario he’d encountered a seemingless amount of times before this. Nothing had changed. Tears began to bubble in his eyes that he didn’t notice. He was numb. Numb with life and numb with whatever the stages of life were, just like a moth to a flame.

He was ready to go.

He hadn’t spoken to Xander about it. The poor man was struggling with enough himself. It wasn’t fair for John to unleash all his thoughts on to him. He spun the ring on his finger around. This wasn’t fair. He wasn’t fair. Nothing was fair and finally, in the reflection of the glass, he was finally able to see what the meaning of him staying here was. It was simple. There wasn’t a good enough reason for him to stay alive. He rubbed his eyes with the palm of his hand and would admit he was surprised when his hands came away damp with fresh tears. He didn’t let it affect him as he wrinkled his nose and regained empowerment over his body. It was a good thing he did, for in that moment Lex Foster walked through the door. She smiled at him before her face dropped, noticing the redness that surrounded John’s blue eyes. She took a sear. “Are you alright, DadNamara?” She asked as John sighed, allowing the smoke from the cigarette to fill the room.

“I’m as good as I’ll ever be.” He said and opened the sheet of paper he would need to interview the girl. He asked the questions, his voice tired, but she answered with enthusiasm. She clearly wanted to be there. She wasn’t scared. She was confident. It was what they needed. After a series of more questions, John was becoming hopeful about the girl and her capabilities. She appeared to be a perfect candidate for the job. Just as he was signing the confirmation form, Lex watching on eagerly, he heard footsteps down the corridor. The General sighed as the door open. “Good evening, Xander.” He said, bored. Though he couldn’t see it, he felt Xander’s smile in the room, a sudden warmth, a _new _warmth filling the area.

“Is this the new recruit that the precinct has heard so much about?” He asked as he walked towards John.

John nodded and gestured towards Lex, securing the cap on the pen. “This is Lex Foster. She’s a smart girl, good with mechanics and wood. Her little sister is Hannah Foster? Her boyfriend’s Ethan Green?” He said and looked at Xander as he wrapped his arms around John’s waste. Xander nodded.

“How are you?” Xander’s voice was soft and understanding. He could tell how fragile John was in that moment of time.

“Zee, I promise I’m okay.” John pushed Xander’s arms off of him as he went back to work, typing in new coordinates into the database. What he’d told Xander couldn’t be further from a lie, but he didn’t like to think about Xander holding his dead body. He shuddered. “I don’t care about what’s going on with Elle. If she wants to keep the baby then she can. I can’t control her.”

“But she’s still young. Jay, it’s reasonable for you to feel hurt right now.”

“Xander, she’s moved out of our home and she’s only nineteen!” John reflected, spinning round to face the physicist. “I think you’re not understanding that I’m more invested in the portal to the Black and White reopening right now than my daughter’s body and family.” He laughed sadly. “And yeah, I’m upset. I found out about an hour ago. It’s still a fresh wound to the chest, dear.” He took a few more breaths to calm down, pushing the tears back. “I’ll discuss this in a further matter with you when we’re at home, but for now-“ John was cut off by a sudden crash that sounded as if it came from one of the rooms down the hallway. It wasn’t just an ordinary crash. There was the sound of hydrogen popping louder than usual down the hall, a spill of shards of glass that formed an imperfect mosaic on the floor as beakers on tables fell. He knew the noise. This wasn’t the first time it had happened. His eyes widened and he stood up, grabbing his gun. “You stay here and explain everything to Lex. Afterwards, you get her out of here. PEIP’s going on lockdown.” The General said and headed towards the door, both Xander and Lex’s eyes following him.

“John-“ Xander said and rushed after him, but John placed his hand on his fiance’s chest.

“I love you too much to lose you, okay? You don’t know these people like I know them.”

“I can try to understand if you’d just open up-“

“I said I’ll talk about this more at home!” He pleaded with the physicist, drawing his hand away from Xander’s chest. “Please, please for the love of God, just listen to your instincts for once.”

“My instincts are screaming at me to help you.” Xander’s voice softened again and John had to look away.

“I’m sorry…” he whispered, opening the door, running out the room. Xander closed his eyes as the door closed with a thud. He tilted his head back and exhaled, frustrated, before he turned around.

“Uh…what the fuck?” Lex asked, eyebrow raised. Xander smiled slightly.

“Sorry about him.” He said and walked over to John’s desk. He took John’s place in the General’s chair and looked at Lex. “My name’s Xander Lee. I’m a Theoretical Physicist here at PEIP. I am also John McNamara’s fiancé. Though he has a very strange way of expressing his love…by not talking about his emotions, locking them away and then having mental breakdowns at 4 AM when he thinks I’m asleep.” He shook his head. “But he’s a good guy, and an even better General. He cares for each individual one of us. He’s everyone’s best friend and ensures everyone gets treated the same. He’s incredible. Since Icacks, who was a General he had, but I didn’t, he’s been the best. And there has been one other? No actually, there’s just been John.” He shrugged.

“Alright, that’s good and all…but what is a “Black and White?” Lex asked, clearly confused. Xander’s cheeks tinted red slightly as he remembered his real purpose to why he was there.

“Shoot. I should start from the beginning. PEIP, which stands for Paranormal Extra-terrestrial Interdimensional Phenomena, deals with incidents of a certain nature. Specifically those involving alien activity or signals that come from outside of Earth’s atmosphere. So to put into comparison, when John joined the company when he was 17 which was…” Xander sighed as he calculated it in his mind. “Which was in 2002, he had a mentor and a General. His mentor was Colonel Wilbur Cross, and his General was General Gareth Icacks. Cross trained John and raised him to be what he was today. However along the lines, Cross and John fell in love. Or…John fell in love with Cross. This was during the period of time where PEIP had a breakthrough as to where they finally realised how to access the area where a figure appearing as God could be accessed. 13 years ago, PEIP constructed a portal for the company to delve deeper into the mystery. Cross, as brave as he appeared to be, offered to go in. So he did. When Cross went in to that portal, he was a mentally stable man with a brilliant boyfriend. When Cross came out of that portal? He was a raving lunatic. John did everything he could. He was heartbroken. This was a year before I joined. Since then, John has dedicated every fibre of his being to being the best General he can be. If it means he has to die, then it’s what he wants. He’s told me.”

“And who’s Elle?” The teenager continued.

“Elle McNamara is John’s adopted daughter. She was adopted at the age of eleven. Her biological parents died, one of which was trapped in the Black and White with Ethan and when we rescued John from the portal about a year ago, she met her father. Turns out he was a real jackass. Anyway, she’s been dating this guy, Jack Martins. And now they’re expecting a child. Elle’s nineteen, Jack’s just turned twenty. They’re young, but they’re made for each other.”

“So, when me and John joked about him being my dad and me being his kid…did he mean it?”

Xander smiled wide. “Of course he would. He thinks you’re special. I could see it in his eyes through the tears that clouded his true thoughts. He doesn’t like to admit he’s soft, but he is. He really is. He’s one of the softest guys you’ll meet. And I already know you have the job. He doesn’t just smile at anyone like that, Lex.” He sighed again. “I know it’s a lot to take in. If I’m being entirely honest with you right now, I don’t even understand half of it, and I’ve been working here since 2007. Don’t worry about it. If it doesn’t involve you, you shouldn’t need to worry. And even if it does involve you, I suggest handing it off to an adult.”

“I’m 19.”

“Really?” He looked up, shocked. “Sorry, I’m not hitting on you! I swear! I’m gay!”

“Oh I can tell you’re gay. Not one normal person sits in a chair like that.” She gestured back to Xander, who’s right leg was folded upwards on to his leg, his foot resting against his thigh. He immediately straightened his position.

“I thought it wasn’t that obvious, but I guess I’ve been proven wrong…again.” He smiled softly, Lex following in suit.

“You’re a pretty nice dude, Denver.”

“My name’s Xander. Though most people call me Zee…or X, or Xand.”

“Can I call you Xanax?”

“Oh my god…” Xander cringed slightly. “Uh, Zanny maybe, but I think John may kill you if he hears you calling me a drug.”

Lex smiled wider. “Cool, thank for the tip, Xanax.”

Xander smiled as well. He’d already made a friend in Lex, and she’d trusted him. “Hey, if you ever need help with anything, you click the blue button on the walky talky. That’s my designated button. I don’t know why I have one and no one else does, but I have one alright. So just hit it if you get lost or need advice or help or whatever. I’m the best damn field agent in this precinct.” He said, proud, when the door came crashing open. Smoke billowed into the room as three silhouettes blocked the door. Lex spun her chair around to face the three.

“Is this supposed to happen?” She whispered, shuffling her chair behind the General’s desk. Xander shook his head as the smoke began to clear. Standing in the doorframe was a tall man, specifically 6”1, with slicked, auburn hair decked in full denim, his eyes flashing a lucid green. There were dark red stains coating the denim jacket, and his shoes were falling apart. To his left was another tall man wearing a dark shirt, two words engraved in a lighter material. He also wore denim, but his eyes flashed blue. To the denim-man’s right was a small girl with platinum blonde hair, a black cape flowing majestically behind her. She wore a white turtleneck, similar to that of Elle’s, and heeled boots. Xander knew these three immediately. He clutched Lex’s hand.

“You do as I say. We’re in danger.” He said in a hushed whisper as the smoke cleared entirely. Cross flicked the apple core at the floor as he stepped inside.

“Is that the girl, babe?” He asked and turned to face Linda, who grinned devilishly.

“Yes. That’s her. PEIP’s new recruit; darling, she’s going to try and take your spot! How do you feel?” She frowned as she wrapped an arm around Cross’ waist. Cross smiled and pulled the smaller figure towards him.

“I don’t feel good. At all. He promised he would be here. And he isn’t. Nick this is all your fault!” He snarled and faced the other man, who’s lip curled.

“My fault? It was your idea to plant the Hydrogen Bomb, dumbass!”

“Do not speak to me that way!” He raised his voice at Nick, who silenced his actions immediately. “You want to see The General so badly. Go fetch. And bring back a mauled corpse.” Cross swallowed his pride and looked at Linda. “And you, Cinnabon. The new recruit’s all yours.”

“And what about you, baby?”

Cross smiled wide again, pointing a finger directly at Xander. “I’m gonna have my own fun.” A green glow filled the room. The sudden smell of lime, disinfectant and eucalyptus filled the senses. The strength of the scents were so sickening that as the two PEIP agents went to cover their airways with their shirts, neither noticed the gun Linda had produced in her hand. It was too late for Xander to react as three shards of copper pierced Lex’s figure, her breath being knocked out of her. She looked at Xander, scared, her shaking hand blocking one of the three wounds. Linda’s face stretched into a twisted smirk as she let go of Wilbur.

“Let me at her, baby.” She said and Wilbur nodded approvingly. Linda immediately rushed forward, climbing over the desk, clawing at the teen’s skin. Fire slowly appeared from the friction Linda had created, burns plastering Lex’s skin. Lex couldn’t take the pain and she passed out. Cross pulled Linda off the desk and looked her in the eye. “Go help puppy, cinnabon. I wanna talk to the physicist.”

Linda’s growing eyes widened even more and she nodded, running out of the room. The door slammed shut behind her, but nobody touched the door. The lock twisted into place and Xander looked at the man, mouth agape.

Wilbur chuckled to himself. “Someone’s speechless.” He teased and remained still. “It’s not what you were like in bed last night, if I recall. Taking care of my baby boy?”

“He isn’t yours!” Xander tried to snap, but his voice appeared frail. It only pleased Wilbur more.

“Intimidated by me? Little old me, the raving lunatic of PEIP HF. Ah, yes. When I signed those forms all those years ago to complete my training, this is definitely what I wanted to go down in history as. A raving lunatic. And for what? My years of training a 17 year old John McNamara didn’t pay off after all. He should be with me.”

“You’re toxic!”

“HE SHOULD BE WITH ME!” Wilbur roared as a beat began to tap on the walls. “He should be in my home with me. I have an entire life planned out for him. And what did he do? He grew a pair and left. He didn’t even remember me! But no. The little slut moved on to Nick. Nick Johnson, my new puppy. My new pet. He’s obedient. It’s not too late for John to be like that.”

“John won’t be like that!” Xander argued. He went to reach for his promise ring, only to feel his hand blank of any metal. He looked down to his hands and then up to Wilbur, who was examining the band in his fingers.

“I wonder what this could be. A promise ring? Why would John promise his life to you?!” Cross took a long stride toward the desk and Xander bolted up. Cross smiled. “I see why. He’s always liked the skittish type. He’s always liked to chase after the unfaithful.” He stepped around the desk as Xander backed into the wall. His eyes widened in fear as Wilbur pressed himself against Xander. Xander was scared. He’d admit it. The overwhelming lights and harsh heartbeat that filled his ears made it hard to concentrate. Maybe it was one of the reasons he kissed back. He knew he couldn’t have done it by choice…yet he did.

_Xander Lee, what are you doing?!_

Wilbur’s stained jacket soon hit the floor. He didn’t care what Xander said. He was here to bring the physicist the utmost pain. He tore the black denim away from the younger man and continued to leave harsh bites along Xander’s neck. Xander flinched as tears filled his eyes. He was knocked back to reality. John. He needed John. He needed his John. He needed his sworn protector. He needed the guy who could help him. He didn’t know these people like John did. The muffled cries of the physicist were no longer heard. He just let it happen.

* * *

John had burst into the portal room. Shards of glass had formed a puzzling mosaic on the floor. This wasn’t fair. This was all of Xander’s hard work leaking out of jars, spores filling the room. John gasped upon the impact. It was too late. Neither of the trio were here. They were running lose in PEIP. He grabbed his radio. “Colonel Schaeffer, put PEIP on lockdown. Green of Envy are loose. Over.” He said as he heard a familiar hum behind him. “What do you want, Nicholas?”

“You know what I’m here for.” He stepped inside and grabbed John’s arms, resting his chin on John’s shoulders. “Baby boy, I miss you.”

“You wish I missed you.” John spat as he pulled his arms away. “It’s a good thing I had some sense knocked into me, wasn’t it? I could finally get out of an extremely toxic relationship and focus on work.” He pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket and lit one, ignoring the green flame that the lighter had sparked. He quickly began to chew down on it as he spun to face Nick. “Nice shirt,” he said, a sarcastic remark that flowed easily. Nick shrugged but smiled.

“Don’t you recognise it, Johnny? When we had a fight, when you were too naïve to realise what you were doing, you’d wear this shirt. It went down to your ankles then.”

“Okay, I get you’re 6”1 and I’m 5”9 but I really do not need to be attacked on the height game right now. Especially seeing as you don’t get to make witty remarks like that about me anymore. I divorced you, and rightfully so I did. I’m happy now.”

“With who? The physicist? Xander Lee? A guy with severe anxiety who can’t function for himself?”

“Don’t say that about him, he’s more capable of things that you were able to do. Fuck, Nick, you’re dead. And you know who isn’t? Me. Me or my family. Me, Elle, Jack and Zee? We’re all alive. We’re a found family. And for one, I don’t regret saying yes to marrying Xander whereas I regret marrying you!”

“Oh of course you do. So what did you do as an act of rebellion? Fuck another twenty guys?”

“I was the faithful one. You and Ted Foster.”

“At least he performed well! And he cut his hair when asked.”

“I liked my hair!”

“Liked? So you’d cut it again?”

John, don’t let his words get to you! “No.”

“I still control you. I know when you’re lying.”

“Okay maybe I would! What does it mean to you?” He asked as Nick finally rested his hand on John’s shoulder, tilting his chin up with the free hand. He was examining John’s face, and The General felt surprisingly relaxed. He shouldn’t, but he didn’t. This was Nick. This was the guy he’d once been married to. Nick smiled softly. What was his fucking plan? He tilted his head and stroked John’s cheek, moving his hand, the lighting suddenly changing to pink as he gripped John’s shoulder tighter. John’s eyes darted around but stopped when Nick began to sing. He smiled and continued to gaze into John’s blue eyes.

“John McNamara.” Nick started as his eyes flashed a softer blue. “_You look just the same as I always remember. All those Friday nights, under the lights, under the bleachers together. You and I were meant to be something more than a faded memory. Til you, and I, something divided us.” _He grabbed John’s head and pulled it to his chest, but John became transfixed by Nick’s irregular heartbeat. _“If the universe is infinite. Then it’s definite. There’s an alternate reality. Where we’re now a family.” _The two began to sway as Nick began to stroke John’s hair, just like he’d done on their wedding day. “_Take me back in time to love you. Take me back when we were lost. Lost in love and lost in feeling without the cost. Take me back in time to high school. Take me back when things were light. Light my heart and light my shadow to make it all right. Cause I already lost it once, what I already won.” _He smiled more harshly as he tugged on John’s hair and John suddenly began to sing a string of words he wasn’t able to stop.

“_You don’t look the same at all as I remember. The light has left your eyes, something has changed, than we were way more put together. But I remember something someone asked me back in school. Nick, if you asked me. I’d still go to prom with you.” _His eyes were wide with concern. He tried to lock his jaw shut, but nothing worked. “_The universe is infinite and it’s definite. There’s an alternate reality where it’s only you and me-“ _When John broke free of Nick’s grasp, he regained control over himself. “You’re an asshole!” He shouted as he watched Nick smirk.

“You sang it, not me.” He grinned. “_I’ve lost too much now to care. But I know that something’s still there.” _Nick’s eyes flickered to the end of the hallway and John’s breath hitched.

“What have you done with Zee?!”

“Oh, I’m the wrong person to be asking. You should be asking my master. My beautiful leader. You should come with us, John. He’ll take care of you like he takes care of me and the girl. You and Elle- we can be a perfect family!”

“You wish we could be! But I don’t choose you! I choose Xander!”

“Then if you chose Xander over me, why are you walking toward me?” Nick raised an eyebrow. Funnily enough, John was stepping towards Nick, under the influence under some invisible string. When John was in reaching grasp, Nick grabbed him and pulled him into a kiss. John kissed back against his will. He tried not to, but something made him. Something bad was happening. John pulled away, shaking. “I love you.”

“It’s a shame the feelings are one sided.” John took off back to his office.

* * *

When he pushed the door back open, any glow was gone. The songs were nothing more than the sound of their own heartbeat’s pounding in their chest. Everything was silent except for one thing. Cross was nowhere in sight, neither was Linda. They must have faded when John broke out of his spell. He swallowed his nerves and closed the door until he heard a faint crying. His head snapped around as he spun on his heel. His eyes widened as he saw Xander curled up, his clothes ripped in areas. John ran towards him, skidding on his knees for the final distance. “Hey hey hey, Zee it’s okay. Zee I’m here, it’s okay.” He said, catching the attention of his fiancé. Xander immediately looked up, his face tear stained. He moved into John’s arms.

“It’s all my fault, Lex got shot and I didn’t do anything. I sat there frozen and I tried to- she’s in the medical wing but she got shot and John, John she looked so scared, she’s gonna hate me-“

John pressed a kiss to Xander’s head. “Listen to me, darling, okay? Lex isn’t the kind of person hold grudges against people. She certainly won’t hate you.” He said and held Xander tight. “Did you get hurt?”

“I got cut in certain areas. Cross-“

As soon as Xander mentioned Cross, John knew it hadn’t ended well. “I’m taking you home.”

“John-“

“I’ll clear up your office. Everyone else has been sent home anyway, dear. I’ll make sure Lex’s family and friends get notified about her current situation, but you need rest. And before you ask, I’m driving.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“I want to.” He said and wrapped Xander’s arm around him. As he stood up, he helped Xander to his feet. “Can you look at me?” He asked gently. Xander, shaking, looked at John. “I’m so proud of you right now. You survived. You’re a fighter.”

“Really, I’m not. I need at least another 40 years of therapy after encountering your ex boyfriend. He really is a raving lunatic.” Xander tried to joke. A small smile appeared on John’s face as he helped Xander out of the deadly silent corridors. As he sat Xander in the car, he could still feel Xander’s silent tears falling, the soft dripping on to the leather pained him. He wasn’t gonna pressure Xander to say what had happened, but he wanted to know eventually. He smiled at him as they pulled up at home. “I love you, Xander.” A fragment of a smile appeared on Xander’s face. John leaned over and kissed the taller man’s cheek. “I’m cooking dinner tonight.”

“You can’t cook.”

“I can kind of cook…”

“You’re awful.”

“That’s not the point. Dinner in bed tonight. You need rest. You’re taking a few days off. It’s an order from your General.” He said and helped Xander inside. When John was alone downstairs, he could hear Xander’s sobbing and John felt his heart break all over again. He’d find out what Cross had done to his fiancé and kill his ex. Death had never stopped John from killing people twice. The same rule applied to his ex. One thing people needed to understand. Nobody hurt his family. And if they did, the consequences they’d suffer were life altering.

But for now, they just had to accept that nothing was okay. It never was after Cross attacked. But they’d work their way through it. They always had, they always would and they always will. That was the power of truth and romance. And it was a good thing John had both of those traits in his blood. His blood was made of Patriotism, Truth and Romance. It was a good thing he could put all his traits to use when needed. And they were needed now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (yes nick's eyes being blue is 100% a reference to the apotheosis, what ya gonna do?!)
> 
> BLACK FRIDAY DROPPED YESTERDAY AND A A A


	31. More Than Just A Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander has a mental breakdown. John drinks the protecc juice and protects xander i guess??? ANyways schaeffer makes a return as does a character who uNTIL NOW HAS ONLY BEEN MENTIONED AND NEVER SEEN.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW:  
ASSAULT  
ABUSE  
A S S S H O L E S (sorry i am really tired-)

_Don’t wake John. _

Xander couldn’t help it. He felt like his chest was tightening too quickly. There was an invisible elastic band around his chest. If only he’d fought. He could have moved. He could have been Lex’s shield. He could have taken the bullets for her. She was 19 and she got hurt more than he ever imagined someone like her would have been. He remembered her soft gasps as she pulled her hand away, looking at her own blood on her hands. She went pale. It wasn’t her fault, yet she blamed herself. She was winded of her words. But Xander was smarter than that. He could see that look in her eyes. The look that was pure guilt. She was stubborn, as was John. She was stubborn to admit she was in dire need of help. She had just wanted to be a field agent, like the duo themselves. It was clear she’d looked up to John in the way that he was her father figure. They had backstory. Just like him and Xander had.

The band only tightened. He wanted to focus on something else. His and John’s wedding. Elle’s baby, something other than the immense pain he sustained a month ago. When the fire hit his back as he was stripped bare of his innocence, with John unable to be there for him, busy dealing with the fragments of glass on the floor. When Xander was in the worst position he’d ever been in, when he had been wishing for John’s help, John wasn’t there. He didn’t blame John, of course. But he did blame himself. He was the one to kiss back. He was the one to beg. Of course, he was. And Cross encouraged it. What was the point of trying to hide a lie he was keeping hidden in a sack in a dark basement known as his emotional guilt? He was suffering from the torment. The scars hadn’t faded. He hadn’t let John see him for him in….

It had been a month and a half since their last reunion with Cross, Nick and Linda. Pressure never subsided anymore. People had been coming into PEIP more frequently to look for Lex. Xander didn’t like his home being torn to shreds. Why was this happening? Was it because of him? It must be.

The date was January 27th, and Xander had woken up at 4 AM, tears streaming down his face again. It had become an event far too frequent for comfort. He needed help, but he was embarrassed to admit it himself.

He’d gotten lost in thought again. It was an event that wasn’t out of the norm anymore. He was tugging at his shirt, which was soaked with sweat. Another flashback, another nightmare and another reminder as to what Cross felt like. He was begging himself to forget it. He was begging himself to move on. But Xander was fragile. Xander was a fragile man. He fell in love too easily, he cared for too many people, and he needed to stop. He was the one to say he loved John first. John didn’t say it back for a little while, and it did hurt Xander, but deep down, he realised he’d done right. He cared for too many people. Specifically men with long blonde hair and those piercing blue eyes, a scar attached from their left eyebrow down to the corner of their lip. He loved his job too. He wanted to be like John. He wanted to be everyone’s best friend. He wanted to offer support. He was always thinking of others. It’s what Lex called a Hufflepuff.

He spent a lot of time with Lex nowadays. Since she was shot, and Xander continued to blame himself for the incident, he’d done all his work with her in her hospital room in the medical ward. She needed company. If she didn’t, she may spiral. She was clinging on to the hope of getting out of that bed, but bullet wounds didn’t heal overnight. They took time.

Everyone took time to heal. Even the ones who refused to admit that it was what they needed.

He’d considered speaking to Schaeffer, but she was too close to John. She was bound to tell him. He’d crumble again. He couldn’t let that happen, so he restricted any negative thought he had into a tiny box that only opened at night. That box was his heart. He loved too much, he cared too much, and he had too much to do. Time didn’t rest. Xander would only sleep peacefully when the box opened and the doll finally had an end. It was impossible to state when that would be, so Xander let his paranoia get the better of him.

Another sob and Xander’s hand flew to clasp over his mouth. It was 4:19 AM, John was asleep beside him. He wasn’t going to risk waking the General. That would be one of the worst things to do in this current scenario. John needed rest just as much as Xander did, but the only difference was that Xander refused to admit it. What was the point when he could still feel the pain of Cross inside him? If John found out, he’d up the protection around him. He’d change his attitude and Xander would hate it. He just hoped he’d be better by their wedding next year.

He knew he wouldn’t.

He sobbed again and squeezed his eyes shut as he refused to acknowledge this was his second mental breakdown of that day. His first one had been at 2, and it was only 4:21; he was alone. It was dark. Anybody could be lurking. He could have sworn that he saw a pair of sickening green eyes staring at him from the corner of the room, but it was just a trick of the light. He needed help. He needed help and sleep.

_He needed John. _

He couldn’t help but let the tears fall. He gave up trying to restrain them. He knew they’d force their way out anyway. It was only when he felt the bed shift and a hand grab his he realised he’d blown out. He held his breath as he felt the bed move even more. John was awake. He heard the flick of a lighter. He saw John’s perfect features illuminated by the flame in the corner of his eye. Another flicker and the lamp on John’s bedside table had turned on. He felt John’s eyes on him as he heard the familiar bleep of John’s watch as it turned on. He sighed and Xander immediately smelt smoke. At one point in time, it was alarming. Now it was a comforting scent. It reminded him of John. “Xand, it’s 4 AM, honey.” He said, almost a string of disappointment clear in his voice. Xander nodded.

“Jay, just go back to sleep, I promise I’m okay-“

“How much sleep have you gotten tonight?” He asked, his voice gruff and real with the sense that he’d just woken up. Xander shook his head. He’d tried. He’d tried for John. It wasn’t enough though. “Have you slept at all?” John tried. Xander nodded.

“I got a couple hours.” Xander said in a slight whisper. “John, I tried I swear I did!”

“Zee, hey, hey I believe you.” He said and put his hand on Xander’s forearm. “I’m not accusing you of anything. But hon, you’ve been like this since Cross made a return. He’s been in the unknown for a while. He’s gone MIA. It’s just us, and I don’t want you to be alarmed by anything okay? Something else happened that day, and I know you don’t want to talk about it. I won’t force you to talk about it. But I suggest you get therapy.”

“John, we’ve spoken about this. You know I can’t.”

“Anyone can.” He rubbed Xander’s shoulder. “Take it from me. I promise that everything will work itself out. And that’s a McNamara promise.” He smiled softly, his features soft in the golden lighting. Xander wiped his eyes as he leaned into his fiancés touch. “I love you so much babe. I won’t let you get hurt. You aren’t a field agent. It is way out of your comfort zone, so I won’t bother to force you into something you’re uncomfortable with.”

“Jay, you’ve gone full General mode.” A tiny smile crept on to Xander’s face. John kissed Xander’s cheek.

“I did it deliberately, honey.” He said and leaned against Xander. “We’ve got work tomorrow. Try and rest up. If you can’t go in, don’t.” he said and Xander helped John lie back down as John turned the light off. John curled up against his fiancé’s chest and Xander ran his hands through john’s hair.

“I love you, Jay.”

“I love you too, Xander.”

* * *

“Tell me the plan again, sir.” The denim jacket wearer turned around to see his boyfriend and girlfriend draped across the couch. The taller of the pair were lying down and the girl was on top of him.

“I’m glad to see you two are finally getting along, puppy.” He said and pulled up a chair, watching the two. Nick rolled his eyes.

“This isn’t by choice. We’re stuck in this damned portal for eternity, why not try to get along?”

“If I’m being entirely honest with you, Wilby, I’d prefer to have another child with Goldstein than to spend another minute with Johnson.”

“Babies!” Wilbur said, a green glow originating from his eyes spreading fast around the room, stopping the two from their soon-to-be argument. “Will you stop trying to fight! I love you both! Nick, you’re gay! And that’s fine! But I’m swinging both ways okay? And Linda is one of the prettiest girls I’ve ever lay eyes on.”

“You call me pretty.” He pouted and pushed the blonde off of him. She fell to the floor with a thud and Wilbur stared at him. “What?!”

“You’re a jealous little bitch, Johnson.” He growled, a rumble protruding from the depths of his throat. “You can’t have me to yourself. Face the facts and admit it. I’ll never be fully yours!” Nick’s eyes instinctively moved to the shirt he was wearing. He rolled his eyes. “You’re not over the blonde, are you?”

“Of course I am!”

“You wear the shirt all the time! You ask me to open the portal to raise havoc with his loved ones! Just learn to move on!”

“Well that’s easier said than done seeing as I’m stuck with you!”

“Go to your kennel, baby boy! And do not argue with me!” He said as he grabbed Linda’s wrist, pulling her up. Nick huffed and sulked to their shared room. Taking the opportunity, he pulled Linda into a kiss. “He’s just jealous, Cinnabon. Don’t you worry, my love.”

“Oh, I’m less than worried.” She smiled.

“No, darling, there is a reason as to why he’s in such a terrible mood this evening.”

“And what would that be?”

“Because Icacks is back on the radar.”

* * *

John strolled back into the precinct the next morning just as the sun was rising. Xander hadn’t been well that morning, so he hadn’t forced him to come into the building. He’d have to be the one to explain to Lex. He didn’t want to upset the girl. She’d been ever so forward to looking forward to seeing him again. She was fascinated by his fiancé’s skills in science. Maybe it was a curriculum she wanted to study more as time progressed. But Lex was art of PEIP now, and if john failed, he knew she’d get her done. She’d get the job done. The job that he’d promised Icacks many years ago.

When Icacks died, it was a tragic event for the entirety of PEIP. It was when him and nick were still married, as a matter of fact. He’d held John as he cried. These were the times before the endless night’s he’d suffered abuse. He’d hated it and Nick hadn’t cared. But now he had Xander. Xander, who never got to meet the man, the myth, the legend himself. General Gareth Icacks who left his wonderful wife and two amazing kids behind. He was the best general PEIP had ever seen. Some may argue that had changed since John had filled the position, but now it was even more debatable. When Elle took over, when Elle or Jack took over the everlasting role of General. They were perfect and fit the role exactly. Xander wasn’t interested in that thing. He’d die alongside John in the field as would Schaeffer. Speaking of Schaeffer.

“Flick?” John asked as he knocked on her office, the door opening.

“Good morning, sir!” She smiled wide at the man. “How are you?”

“I’m okay but I’m not here to discuss me. I’m here to discuss my beloved Xander.” He said and let himself inside of her office. He took a seat inside the girl’s office as Schaeffer sat on the other side.

“Xander? What’s up with Xander?” She asked, looking at him. John sighed.

“At half 4 this morning, he’d had another nightmare. That’s the 4th one in 2 days. But this one was real bad. He was sobbing. He won’t tell me what it’s about. I know it’s something relating to the Cross incident. I’ve suggested therapy to him, but he just won’t accept it! And I’ve never seen Zee this broken. He cried himself sick earlier. He’s at home. He isn’t mentally stable enough to be in the field. He wants to be, but he just can’t be. It’s breaking him. And with the news about Elle and her expecting…it’s all came crashing down on us. A month and a half ago Cross went off the radar after having one final attack at us. It’s either a way to induce treachery…but I do know one thing.”

“And what would that thing be?”

“Xander got hurt by Cross upon the return. Sometimes, after a particularly bad breakdown, he’ll try to open up. He never gets very far. I just…I just hold him. I don’t think he’s ever cried so hard before. It’s concerning. He’s always been so strong but-“

“But he’s also incredibly fragile?” Felicity asked as she raised an eyebrow. John nodded.

“I see myself in him.” He laughed gently as he lit a cigarette. “When I was being mentored by Cross, when Icacks was the General. When I was small-“

“You’re still small.”

“When I was smaller than I was now. When I stood beside Wilbur’s side and watched Icacks do his work.” John bit down on the cigarette. “He’s still one of my heroes.”

“I know he is, John. He died for all of us. And you’ve gotten her done.” Schaeffer said as she quoted the old general. He smiled and looked down at his shoes.

“I’ve only tried to improve the precinct. I’ve also only tried to hire the correct people.”

“And you’ve done a mighty fine job of it. You only Hydrogen bomb the dimensions where it’s been absolutely necessary.”

“The one with the apotheosis.” John flicked the ash off of his cigarette and Schaeffer nodded her head.

“But we’ve made it through like he said time and time again. Icacks put all his faith in us, John. We’ve made him proud.” She smiled.

“I sure hope I have-“

“Sir?” A different voice spoke. John spun around to see one of the younger agents at the door. “Uh, hi my name is Benny Slate-“

“Yes I know who you are, Private. What’s up?” He asked.

“There’s a visitor here to see you. He says it’s urgent.”

John threw his head back and groaned, his beret falling to the floor, Schaeffer stifling a laugh. John put the cigarette out and pulled his beret back on atop of his head. “Send him through.” John said as he regained his posture. Slate nodded and walked away. John looked to Schaeffer. “Seeing as you’re stifling laughter, you can stay.” He said and Schaeffer burst out laughing momentarily until there was a knock at the door. John coughed to recollect himself, as did Schaeffer. He didn’t face the door, but smiled at Schaeffer. “Come in.” He said and the door clicked open.

As John spun around, he noticed the man and immediately stood up. He tilted his head upwards slightly, shoulders back, arms clasped behind his back. The man at the door wore a tan coat that reached down to his ankles. He had a grey and black checked scarf on. He held a phone in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. He was significantly taller than John as well. For his age, he looked well.

He forgot in some dimensions people didn’t die.

John, shaking slightly, saluted the man and was met with a warm smile. “The coffee isn’t for me. It’s for my wife.” He confirmed, his voice still hoarse but gentle. John smiled wide as the man stepped inside. Schaeffer had to move around John to look at the stranger in her office. The stranger, who wasn’t a stranger, looked at her and nodded.

“Holy shit…” She whispered as she, too, stood up. John couldn’t stop grinning. Seeing him there was all he needed to boost himself. He was back. He had a protector now, even if he was on the field.

John smiled and put his hands back down behind his back, making eye contact with the taller man. “General Icacks.”

The man, Icacks, tilted his head as a confirmation. “McNamara.” He said, a warm expression painted on his face. He turned to Felicity and nodded at her. “Now, you’re wondering why I’m here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's only taken 84 chapters (including SYPF) for you guys to meet General Icacks instead of me just saying his name. like he actually speaks to the characters now. AND IF YOU StiLL know who tf icacks is, go watch the what do you say scene from black friday and that one scene in TGWDLM with emma, paul and the other dude who didn't have a name until now. it's my stRONG HEADCANON.


	32. If I Fail You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> FLASHBACK CHAPTER! Icacks' backstory and his connection with John and vWOom xander's back.

John and Schaeffer, collectively, shared the same expression. Confusion. They were both confused as to why suddenly, now of all days, had Icacks chose to return to PEIP. No major incident had happened. Cross had gone off the radar, as had Linda and Nick. What was going on? John furrowed his eyebrows as he looked at his ex-General. His ex-leader. His ex-father figure who’d died and was now back. This was confusing for the two of them. John took a seat at Schaffer’s desk, Icacks following in suit. John furrowed his eyebrows and looked to the past General. “I would very much appreciate understanding why you are here, sir.” He said. Icacks shrugged.

“It’s a simple reason, Colonel.”

John uttered a choked cough earning a concerned look from Icacks. John just smiled. “Sorry, sir, I’m not a Colonel anymore.”

“Have you been demoted?” He asked, trying to understand why John was smiling.

John moved his hand across his General’s badge, and it clicked in Icacks’ mind. “I took up your position shortly after you died. I’m sorry, sir, but you are no longer the best General PEIP has ever had.” Icacks turned to Schaffer for confirmation and she pinched the bridge of her nose.

“I have to agree with McNamara, sir. He’s transformed PEIP from something minor to one of the most successful branches of the military to date. But I’m not saying you weren’t a good General, because you were! You were an incredible General! But John-“ she sighed. “He’s an amazing guy and I’m glad he’s my General.”

Icacks looked over at John, who was grinning like an idiot. “What can I say? I think I raised a pretty good General then.” He said, making John blush slightly.

“You hardly raised me, sir.” He smiled, but Icacks shook his head.

“I beg to differ.”

* * *

_Born in 1959, Gareth Icacks was destined to be a part of the military. He studied hard in school and joined the military as soon as he was out of it. However, his destiny didn’t exactly come in order. After 18 months of being with the military, he was fired over a misunderstanding. It was quick that Icacks fell into a serious state of not knowing what to do with himself. He’d always dreamed of being in the military, and the chance had been ripped away from him. At the age of 20, Icacks founded PEIP, which stood for Paranormal Extra-terrestrial Inter-Dimensional Phenomena. He wasn’t supposed to do it, yet he did anyway. It wasn’t as if he didn’t have the training. Immediately he promoted himself as the leader of the force, the General. The government did nothing to stop him, so he proceeded with his task. Many people signed up and soon they had a task force of roughly a thousand people. It wasn’t just field agents they had either. They had navy cadets, people who monitored the soldiers on the tracking screens, people who listened out on the radios, physicists, chemists and biologists and they had an air force team. Everything was perfect. _

_One day, however, Icacks’ life did change. He had to stop a chemical fire that had spontaneously occurred at the newspaper agency under the name of CCRP. His team had told him to sprinkle carbon on the matter, so that’s what he’d do. Inside the building, he could see the roaring purple flame two floors away from where the fire had started out. He made sure everyone got to safety as quickly as he could as he made his way to the centre of the outburst. Once he reached the floor where the fire had started, it wasn’t hard to locate the hottest part of the flame, but the fire soon became the last of Icacks’ problems. Standing in his fireproof uniform, he went to unscrew the vial of carbon he was carrying, but heard whimpers coming from the desk behind him. Drawing his attention away momentarily from the fire, he turned around to see a lady with thick auburn hair lying helplessly beside it. She was clutching her hand to her chest as if she were injured. He ducked down beside the desk and caught her attention. _

_“Ma’am, this is a very dangerous place.” He explained and she nodded. _

_“I know…but my only exit is currently burning.” She said and gestured to the door frame, which was currently on fire as well. Icacks sighed but turned back to the lady. _

_“What’s your name?” He asked gently and she looked him in the eyes. _

_“Jennifer…Coombes.”_

_“Good evening, Miss Coombes. My name is General Gareth Icacks of the United States Military, special unit PEIP.”_

_“PEIP? I’ve never heard of you guys…” _

_Icacks smiled and chuckled gently. “If you haven’t heard of us then you needn’t worry about us.” He said and looked at her. “You need to stay behind this desk. In a second, this entire room will be on fire. This desk should be your sense of protection. As soon as the fire has vanished, you run and you meet my coworkers downstairs and you file a witness report. Then you will be taken back to my station.”_

_“Then what’ll happen?” _

_“You’ll find out when you get there. But for now, remain still.” He said and walked closer to the fire. He heard the shuffle of Jennifer climbing out from under the desk just as Icacks threw the carbon on to the flame. There was a loud roar and the brightest purple light he’d ever seen. He shielded his eyes by turning his back to the flame. As more heat began to fill the room, Jennifer became paralysed with fear. Protective instincts kicking in, Icacks jumped on top of the lady to stop her from getting harmed more. In a matter of seconds, the fire had vanished completely. Catching his breath, he climbed off of her and examined the scene. There wasn’t a trace of the fire at all. There were no marks. His plan had worked. He turned back to Jennifer. “Are you alright?” He asked. She nodded and tried to sit up but winced. He crouched down in front of her. “Are you injured?”_

_“My hand got pretty fucked by the fire…” She explained and showed off a purple burn on her right hand. He bit the inside of his lip. _

_“Come with me. I’ll get that bandaged up.” Jennifer gladly accepted the offer and walked out of the building with the General. It was a slow drive over, but it was okay. _

_When he got back to the precinct, he was clapped over the back by his team, who were celebrating another successful mission. It was clear that, with the sudden attention, Jennifer was overwhelmed and Icacks got back to his office as soon as he could. He opened the door and guided her inside, sitting her at his desk. He walked over to his first aid kit before sitting opposite her. “May I take your hand?” He asked and she nodded. Icacks brushed his hair out of his eyes and opened the first aid kit, taking a cleaning wipe. He took her hand and pressed the wipe on to it. “Miss Coombes, you may never speak about the fire again. What happened today didn’t happen, okay?”_

_“But I saw it-“_

_“We all saw it, but this is classified information now okay? It wasn’t supposed to happen. It wasn’t written in the timeline.” He sighed and looked up to her. “Tell a soul and we may have to eradicate you from existence as well.”_

_“What?!” She asked, suddenly very fearful of the man. She drew her hand back and winced. Icacks took her hand again and pressed the wipe back to it, her face showing signs of instant relief. _

_“I’m sorry, ma’am, but it’s just the law. You can’t tell a soul about what you saw today. Understood?” It took a while before she answered again. _

_“Understood, sir.” _

_Icacks smiled to confirm the statement. “So, tell me about yourself.” He said as he reached back into the box after disposing of the wipe. She cleared her throat. _

_“My name is Jennifer Coombes, I am 22 years old and I work in the newspaper agency. I have a sister and my parents are fairly well off but not to the extent that we could afford everything. I have no kids, I’m single and I’ve lived in Hatchetfield all my life. And what about you?”_

_“My name is Gareth Icacks, I am 22 years old and I work in this branch of the United States Military I created 2 years ago when I was fired over a misunderstanding. I am an only child and my parents are dead. I’m single, I’ve lived in Hatchetfield the majority of my life, but I was born in Ontario in Canada, and I would like to take you on a date if you’re willing?” He asked and met Jennifer’s teal eyes. She nodded and looked down, a light blush dusting her cheeks. _

_“I would like that a lot.”_

* * *

_They only needed one date before they confirmed themselves as a couple. They were made for each other. Icacks had definitely not seen himself as the type to date someone like Jennifer, but he was sure as hell glad he took that step. After taking their relationship down the slow path for 21 years, he finally proposed to Jennifer, and she agreed to marry him. They set the date for October 3rd, 2002. Within the two-year time gap, PEIP suffered a major issue. The year prior to the wedding, a creature from another realm had touched down in Hatchetfield and killed most of the Icacks’ team. Those who weren’t killed had to be signed off for trauma from seeing all their coworkers, friends and possible family murdered. Icacks went from a team of a thousand to a team of a hundred. It wasn’t a good scenario to be in, and PEIP was at risk of collapse. Jennifer had been amazing throughout this rough period. She’d stayed up to comfort Icacks in times where he felt he was unable to continue his duties. She persuaded him to pursue his dream, which was to get PEIP back on it’s feet. It was the reason he was in Hatchetfield High that day. He was going to give a talk in attempts to gain some more recruits. He’d originally started off with only visiting the jails in Hatchetfield and locations such as Clivesdale and Moorbridge, but nothing really came out of it. PEIP was at risk of collapse, and he only had a team of 300 field agents, which wasn’t enough. _

_He walked into the conference hall where rowdy teenagers sat. There were the stereotypical versions of each. Those in varsity jackets were assumed to be jocks, those with their bags on their laps were those assumed to be nerds and those in tight skirts were there to impress the jocks. There was a young boy towards the front of the crowd with short blonde hair and vibrant blue eyes that Icacks could identify from where he was stood. His posture was hunched as if he was injured or hiding something. Though he wore a varsity jacket, he didn’t appear to be as excited as the jocks were. To his right, down the row slightly, was another young boy with short black hair and darker skin. He wore a leather jacket and black jeans. His nails were painted black, and his eyes kept flicking to the blonde. Icacks sighed and cleared his throat. “Good morning students of Hatchetfield High, my name is General Gareth Icacks and I’m here to discuss with you the importance of what to do once you leave.” He started, instantly drawing the attention of the students. “You may be unsure as to what you want to do, so let me explain my job to you.”_

_“Okay, but what if this is just a waste of time?” A student asked, earning soft laughs from the crowd. _

_“Then it’s a waste of my time, but I’m hoping to earn some new recruits, and seeing as you are the next generation, I thought there would be no place better.” He flicked on to the screen. “This is PEIP. PEIP is a branch of the United States Military that was founded by me circa 1979. We deal with crises of a certain nature and essentially, we deal with otherworldly items.”_

_“Such as what?” A jock called from the audience. _

_“That information is classified. Now seeing as my job can potentially put people in danger, I have to describe the bare minimum about what I do. So, let me go through the six main categories of jobs you can get here at PEIP. So, if you were thinking about joining the military to begin with, you may be suited to be a field agent. Upon taking the test, currently, depending on your level of intelligence, you may start as a Private, which is the common rank to start out as, but due to a cut in our recruits, you may start as someone as a higher pay. You will be given missions assigned to you and you will be able to go out to complete them. Now these missions aren’t to go and pick up litter or to deal with a stray cat, these can be pretty dangerous. Even for a private, you will get to see PEIP in it’s rawest moments. You will then aim to reach the General position, which is what I am. Then, and only then, will you be assigned your team, and you will be the one to assign missions. Any questions?”_

_“On a scale of 1 to 10, how dangerous are these missions?”_

_“11. So, let me continue. The next type of job is the navy cadets. When we need things coming from overseas, or if one of a member of the team gets stranded, it would be your mission to go and rescue them. As well as this, you may be called to deal with pollution or simply animal rescue, but not like seals. If you choose to join PEIP, you’ll understand what kind of creature we mean. Any questions?” Silence occurred. “The next is simply those who track who are out on missions. Though it seems boring, you’re the one to give directions. Your job is also to keep the person your tracking safe and on board. In our team, you can be a field agent and track. It’s the same as those on the radio. For being someone who listens out on the radio, it is essential you know Morse code, but that can easily be learned. Any questions?”_

_“How much do you get paid?!” Someone shouted. _

_“It varies. That’s all I can say. So, continuing, usually partnered with the navy team is the air rescue team. Alongside rescue, we have an air force team. This means you get to go up in the helicopters and go out on missions. The Air force team will be the ones who shoot from above, the air rescue are the ones who scan the scenes from above. Got it?” Everyone nodded. “And then finally we have our scientists. To be a scientist at PEIP, you need to either be skilled in physics, maths, chemistry or biology. We have something called a theoretical physicist which is the most important type of scientist we can offer. They are usually the ones who come up with the equations that prevent the end of the world. They also then create cures from these equations which can save lives. Literally. Our biologists work with plants to see which work best in cures, and also, they can categorise new creatures and plants. Chemists blow things up a lot, so we choose not to look for those, but often, they are partnered with the physicists. That concludes the majority of my talk. So, do you have any questions overall?”_

_The blonde raised his hand and Icacks nodded towards him. “When can you join?” _

_Icacks offered a sunny smile. “You can join as soon as you leave school as long as you are eighteen years old.” The blonde looked back down and nodded. “If you are interested by my appeal, come and see me at the end of the talk and I’ll give you a leaflet.” _

_Surprisingly, a lot of people took leaflets. The last person to take one was the blonde. He held the leaflet in his hands and scanned over it. “So you can…can you live there if you’re part of the team?” He asked and looked up at the General who smiled and nodded. _

_“We are currently investing in bunkers to be placed on the North and South sides of the building for recruits who are financially unstable to afford a house of their own. As well as that there is a cafeteria with free meals for you.” A look of relief crossed the boy’s face and he moved his jacket further on to his shoulder. “What’s your name, son?” _

_“John. John McNamara.” He said and looked back up to the General, who kept a smile. “I’ve always wanted to be a part of the military and, this is gonna sound stupid but…I saw your news report in 1994…I was 8 and you were speaking about your story about how you were fired from the army…and how you started PEIP…ever since then I’ve looked up to you and I’ve always dreamed of working alongside you…” his voice was shaky, scared almost. Icacks smiled wider. _

_“Well, John, if you go to this address here, maybe we can book you in for you to start your training a little bit earlier than the rest.” He could tell that something was going on in John’s personal life. John looked up and a small smile appeared on his face. _

_“You’d do that sir?”_

_Icacks nodded. “I’ll see you around, kid.” He said and left. He already knew John was gonna get the job. He felt it in his bones._

* * *

_The next day, June 6th, Icacks had received news that there was a boy in the lobby waiting to see him. Icacks had shot up and ran to the area. “When he walked into the precinct, his blue eyes were clouded over with tears, sir. He’s got a nasty bruise on his eyes and his hair is red in areas. He also has a collective number of cuts on his face and neck. As well as this, he has a bruise on his jaw-“ Alex Hill, Icacks’ assistant said, as she tried to keep up with the General. _

_“Okay I’ve got it.” He said and pushed open the door. Sitting on one of the chairs was John in obvious pain. It had been raining consistently throughout the night and to this point meaning John, now, was soaked to the bone. He was clutching a duffel bag which also looked drenched. His sneakers were obviously worn and falling apart, and he was in jeans and a shirt without a jacket. When the door opened, it took time before John looked up. Immediately when he did, his eyes widened in fear. _

_“General Icacks-“ he said, but the general approached the kid. _

_“Hey, John. What happened? Wanna talk?” He asked and John shook his head, immediately holding it, wincing, tears beginning to fall again. _

_“Colonel Hill, bring me an interview sheet.” The General ordered and sat beside John. “Hey kid, don’t cry. It’s okay now, you’re safe.” He said calmly as the Colonel returned. “Right then John, I just need you to fill this out.” He said. He watched John and his shaky hand fill in the boxes. Icacks watched carefully. This kid was different. He smiled again once the sheet was fully filled out. Icacks already knew what he was going to do. With the job shortages, they needed people of higher ranks, and John was a perfect candidate. It’s why he’d said, “congratulations, Colonel. We’ll get you set up right away.” John pretty much started sobbing as he hugged Icacks tightly. _

_“Sir thank you- thank you so much-“ _

_“Hey, call me Gareth. And even Gary if you want.” He said and hugged the young man back. “Now, the building and bunkers still isn’t quite ready yet, but I was wondering if you’d like to come back with me? We have a spare room, me and my fiancé. She’ll take amazing care of you.”_

_“You’d do that?” John asked as he pulled away. _

_Icacks only nodded. _

_Over the next few years, John and Icacks grew closer all the same. John came out to Icacks when he was 23, just short of when he met Nick. Unfortunately, Icacks had “died” and was unable to attend John and Nick’s wedding. Icacks never liked Nick, but he sure as hell loved John. His love for John didn’t change when Jennifer fell pregnant with his first son, Adam, after having trouble conceiving. His love didn’t change when his daughter was born either. They were family. They always had been, and maybe Icacks had raised John in a way, but some would beg to differ._

* * *

The past General’s expression suddenly changed from smiling to deadpan, serious. He wasn’t here to mess around. He took a breath leaving the other two recruits to wait in anticipation before he spoke up again. “I’m here to talk to you about Colonel Wilbur Cross.” He said. The words alone froze John’s heart. After a while, John gained the confidence to ask what he mean, earning a sigh from the man. “There’s been some issues as to his holding cell in The Black and White which enables him to exit the realm at his own will and while he has this power, it means that he can access Earth and therefore meaning he can create the unimaginable…but I’m sure you’ve already experienced this.”

“Yes. I’m fully aware of his capabilities.” John said rushed to try and stop Icacks from saying anything else. Still, he grimaced at the memories of the chaos that Cross had caused purely out of spite. Obviously, the most recent event had been with Xander, and because of it Xander was broken. He hadn’t been the same since last December. He was refusing therapy, and most of the time he was unable to even move from bed. This was painful. It was painful to see the effect of something so major hurt someone so close to John’s heart. He sighed. “So, sir, what is the reason that has spiked your concerns for here and the precinct? What is the one reason that has forced you to step in?”

Icacks shook his head. “The problem isn’t with what lays with Cross himself. It’s what Cross did to a newer member of PEIP. The recruit goes by the name of Xander Lee.” John’s eyes widened even more as he heard Xander’s name mentioned. This was horrible. Something was really going on, and Icacks knew about it.

“How do you know about Xander? He joined in 2007, and that was under the west side’s general. He only transferred to our team in 2011! The year that you…”

“Died?” Icacks raised an eyebrow. "I promise I’ll explain what happened in my own time, but for now, we need to focus on Xander. So, what’s become apparent to me is that Cross seems to enjoy leaving his holding cell and coming here to terrorise either you, your daughter or another close relative, such as Xander. May I ask why?”

“What? Why Xander or why me?”

“Why you.” Icacks encouraged and John rolled his eyes, beginning to smile at the memory.

“Okay so, we managed to keep it pretty well under wraps but, me and Nick Johnson? Colonel Nick Johnson? We got married by the time I turned 25. I’ve chosen to forget the fact that we even got married to begin with. Reasons being that he…hurt me. In an extreme amount. But I got out of that relationship. Uh, me and Colonel Cross…we were a thing once too…” he grimaced harder. “It wasn’t much better than mine and Nick’s relationship was. Then 13 years ago he vanished into The Black and White. When he returned, he was a raving lunatic. Then he vanished for good. Now we know where he went, but he keeps coming to find me. I guess he never wanted us to end he was out to seek revenge. In 2018 I started dating Zee. He’s the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s intelligent, he’s kind and he’s the only company I need. He’s great with Elle and amazing as a field agent. And we’re engaged now!”

“Hence the very flashy ring you have on your finger?” Icacks mocked and John rolled his eyes again.

“Says you with your wedding ring. Anyway, I don’t know why they started on Xander, but they did. The last encounter we had with them was last December, a couple days after Black Friday. I was clearing up the mess they’d made in the lab, uh, Nick was in with me. We’d hired a new recruit that day as well. A young girl, her name’s Lex Foster. She’s born 2000. Linda Monroe, Wilbur’s new girlfriend, decided that she hates Lex for no reason and attempted to kill her. This triggered Xander’s anxiety. Wilbur did something to him. What it is, I don’t know. He won’t say. He’s become an entirely different person. What I’ve noticed is he’s very shy, and if he isn’t shy, he’s silent. If he isn’t silent, he’s sobbing his heart out. He hasn’t eaten properly in god knows how long and he hasn’t slept either.”

“Well, McNamara. What if I were to tell you that I knew what Cross had done to Xander? And that I have all the answers you’ve longed for. Not just now, but forever.”

“Sir, what do you mean?”

“I’ve seen some things while I was away. Things that have shown me the truth of the universe. I’m prepared to pass this knowledge down to you.” A playful glint was in his eye and John bit the inside of his lip.

“Tell me the truth.”

Icacks nodded and continued to talk. “So, while you were gone-“

Icacks was cut short by a flash of white from outside the door. John bolted up. “I’m so sorry, sir. I need to deal with this.” He said and quickly jogged out into the corridor. Flick was smiling wide.

“I think you should see this. You’d be proud.” She said and stood up, following John out the door. Icacks sighed but followed his old recruits to see the fuss.

* * *

John continued to run down the corridors before he found the lab. He opened the door and put the stopper on it so it wouldn’t close. The man inside flinched. “Zee…” He said gently and walked inside the room, approaching the man. “Xander look at me. Please, honey, look at me.” He tried, but Xander continued to shake his head. “What’s going on? I thought you wanted to stay at home today?” He asked, but Xander coughed and continued to grab things. “Xander?” John tried again, feeling no need to get angry. When Xander didn’t reply, he pulled up two chairs away from his fiancé’s desk and took Xander’s hand, pulling him down into one of the chairs.

“John let me go-“ his voice was shaky, and his eyes were watery. Now John knew why Xander hadn’t wanted to talk. He didn’t sigh as he moved himself closer to Xander and gently wrapped his arms around him, pulling his head to his shoulder. John kissed Xander’s head as he held him.

“I’ve got you.” He said calmly. He held the back of Xander’s head and drew circles into his back. He could already feel his shirt becoming damp, but John wasn’t going to shout at him. “Did you have another flashback?” He asked and Xander nodded.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t be at home. I couldn’t. I was alone with my thoughts again and this time you weren’t there because you were here, and I thought if I came here it would stop.” Xander said as he continued to cry, nestling his face in John’s shoulder.

“And they didn’t stop, did they?” Xander shook his head and wrapped his arms around John suddenly as the physicist’s breathing suddenly sped up. John recognised these signs from home. “Okay okay, Zee I need to sit up.”

“No!”

John ignored Xander’s protests as he sat up, holding Xander close to him again. He pulled Xander to his chest. “Talk to me. What’s going on?” He asked. “Zee talk to me honey. What’s happening?”

“They’re back-“ he choked.

“Where are they?”

“Portal- trying to get through, don’t let them through!”

“I’m not going to let them through okay?” He reassured and continued to run his hands through Xander’s hair.

“Demanding to see you. Business deal or something John don’t do it! Don’t go! I can’t lose you!” He said and continued to sob into John. Carefully, John took Xander’s lab coat off of him and draped it over his shoulders so he could use it as a blanket and not a coat.

“I’m staying right here with you, okay?” He said and felt Xander nod. “Now listen to me, darling, I’m staying right here beside you. I’m keeping my arms exactly how they are now until your flashback passes. I refuse to let you get hurt anymore. Got it?”

“Got it…” He sniffed and hugged John tighter.

“You’re okay. You’re with me and I’m going to protect you from your mind okay?”

“John, I love you so much.”

“I love you too. Now after this has finished, I’m taking you home. You’re not stable, got it?”’

“Got it.”

“But I still love you, hun.”

“I love you too.”

The two men hadn’t noticed Schaffer and Icacks standing at the door. John rarely showed this side of him. And everything was okay.


	33. Way More Put Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander makes John cry, Emma and Paul make a return, the last scene is rlly bad but Icacks puts an end to everyone's bullshit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
No Answer  
-  
oh yeah, warning the last scene is rlly bad but im unMOTIVATED

It had been okay for a little while. The team knew they had to prepare themselves for the worst. After Icacks’ alarming message about Xander that happened to involve Cross, John increased his workers and began to train them in preparation for another run in with the trio. It was exhausting, but by the start of February, he had gotten a good grip at the new area of his job. The date was February 3rd when he finally got everyone to understand their new course. After work, he’d gone home to see Xander staring into space. John had furrowed his eyebrows yet smiled at how content Xander looked. “I said good evening, honey.” He said, immediately catching Xander’s attention. After the last encounter, Xander rarely smiled or spoke in full sentences anymore. He was nearly an entirely different person, but he was slowly coming out of his anxious trance. Xander had jumped up and hugged John tightly. John had laughed as he hugged back. “Today was a good day, I see?” He said and looked over Xander’s shoulder to see his laptop open. Xander had nodded.

“Planning.” Xander had replied.

“Planning?” John had asked and pulled away. He watched Xander nod. “What have you been planning, dear?”

“September.”

“What’s happening in September?” He asked and laughed as he walked over to the couch, sitting down, pulling the laptop towards him. Xander walked over and sat down beside him before he pulled it back.

“Wedding.” He said and glared at John. John had laughed again then.

“Who’s wedding have you been invited to plan?” John had asked again. Xander crossed his arms and continued to stare at John. The General began to rack his brain for any kind of answer. It couldn’t be Paul’s and Emma’s, it definitely wasn’t Schaffer’s, and to his concern, Elle wasn’t engaged yet and her and Jack were still planning their baby’s nursery. He crossed his arms again, dumbfounded, biting his lip, trying to think. After seeing the utter confusion on John’s face, Xander carefully placed the laptop down in front of him, but it was switched on this time. John read off the screen. “McNamander? Who the fuck do we know who has the surname of McNamander?!” He asked and turned to Xander.

“Himbo.” Xander declared proudly. He grabbed John’s hand, tapping his engagement ring. After a little while of continuing to think, he spoke up again.

“Zee, I don’t understand…” John began to laugh nervously.

“September.” He said again before pointing at John. “Mcnama…” He said, waiting for John to continue.

“Ra?” He’d asked, confused. “McNamara, that’s my name…”

Xander then pointed at him. “Der.” He said before pointing between the two. “McNamander. September.” Then he tapped John’s engagement ring. “Wedding.” It finally began to click in John’s mind. He’d always been aware that he was engaged to Xander, but he hadn’t really had chance to process it. Now Xander had started planning the wedding and it hit him. John looked up to Xander, who kept his face the same neutral expression, but John saw a twinkle in his eyes. In his own cold blue, tears began to rise. He was marrying the man of his dreams, and this time, he wouldn’t regret it. He immediately took to burying his face in Xander’s shoulder as he cried. There was one thing about Xander that hadn’t changed, and it was his ability to comfort. He took off John’s beret and held the back of his head, slowly beginning to massage the area, which he knew John liked.

“Happy?” Xander asked as he continued to play with John’s hair. Overcome by quiet rounds of tears, John nodded. Though Xander was unable to express it himself, he could feel his heart beat quicker. It fluttered gently. He knew he hadn’t made the mistake. John pulled away a short while after and Xander took to wiping his tears away.

“Sorry, I just…I’ve known we’re engaged but the idea that I’d be standing at the aisle for the second time marrying you, someone I know who treats me well even though I know I don’t deserve it because I can be a real asshole at times…it just didn’t occur to me, not properly at least. And you’re planning our wedding and…you’re really getting better…” John said as he smiled. Xander nodded and continued to wipe his eyes. “Sorry…sorry I’ll stop crying-“ he felt a soft slap to his cheek and looked at Xander. “No?” Xander shook his head. John knew why Xander wanted him to keep crying. Lately, John had been bottling things up because of the stress of work. So, with Xander’s encouragement, he let himself lose as he leaned against his husband to be. He was going to marry Xander Lee, and it would be the best day of his life.

* * *

Emma gripped Paul’s hand as they strode into the building. They’d needed some time together. They’d bothy been so caught up with work lately, it hardly felt like they got the chance to be with each other. Still, the two smiled as they walked inside. Emma was rubbing her thumb over Paul’s knuckles as she tried to keep up. “Jesus, long ass. Slow down. I have small legs over here!” She pouted and Paul smiled wide. He slowed down so she could catch up, just for him to wrap an arm round her waist and speed back up. “Paul, you asshole!” She huffed as Paul sped up more. “Paul I can’t catch up!” She said and punched his side. He laughed loudly and continued to speed up. “Paul what the fuck?! You’re going so fast! What-“ When Paul opened a door and covered her eyes, she immediately became concerned. “Okay. What is this?”

“Three, two, one!” He said and uncovered her eyes. Sitting at the desk was Colonel Schaffer and Henry Hidgens, who were discussing something out of earshot. Emma’s eyes immediately opened.

“What-“ She said and spun around to face her boyfriend. “Paul did-what?!” She asked, confused yet gleeful. He smiled wide and gently pushed her in the room, which drew the two’s attention.

“Ah! Emma!” Schaffer said and stood up, holding out a hand. Emma took it. Three firm shakes, Emma noted, Schaffer must have been taught by John. “I’m glad you could make it! I’m sure you’ve met Professor Henry Hidgens here?”

“Yes, Colonel, I’ve met dad-I mean Hidgey- I mean-“

“I see.” She smiled. “Well, seeing as you are fairly familiar with Professor Hidgens, I’d like to make an offer to you.”

“An offer?” Emma asked as she became suspicious. “What kind of offer?”

“Well, seeing as our only scientist, Xander Lee, is on break right now on orders of our general, John McNamara, as you’re probably aware, we are in need of a new science department. So, Professor Hidgens approached me asking to step in to this role. He asked if he knew anyone else who would suit it and he pointed me in the direction of you. So, Miss Perkins, we are asking you if you would like to take up this position alongside Hidgens?”

Emma was gobsmacked. The idea of not having to work in a shitty coffee store anymore was that of a dream come true. The idea to also work in science was that of a dream come true as well. It wasn’t as if she hadn’t studied for a year of her life to get to this position, but if it were to make Jane proud, then she’d do it. She smiled and nodded. “Colonel Schaffer, I would love to work as a scientist here at PEIP.2

She smiled. “Great. We already have your number, so don’t worry about that. I’ll ensure you get your rota as soon as possible.”

Paul hugged her from behind when she accepted the job, and Henry had a smile on his face. Emma was making people proud for the first time in her life. She felt wanted here. She knew she was wanted here. That was a first for her, to be wanted, but god was it a good feeling.

* * *

However, to unknowing eyes, there was another set of three watching on. As Paul, Emma and Hidgens left Schaffer’s office, someone tried to step in, but was stopped when an arm wrapped around his throat and pulled him back. He smirked. “General.”

“Get the fuck out of this realm, Wilbur. You were sent to The Black and White for a reason.”

“It was voluntarily.” He said as if the general were stupid.

“Why are you here?”

“Simple. To kill John?”

“You’re coming with me.” The General said and lead Cross to another room. He shut the door, where Nick and Linda lay. “You’ve all said three different things. Ms Monroe said she was here to be adored by America, he said it was to get John back and you, Wilbur, you said it was to kill John. Now who’s telling the truth.”

“Linda.” Wilbur said. “And she deserves the adoration she’s getting!”

“Of you,” Linda spat, causing Wilbur to roll his eyes.

“And what about me?!” Nick asked, sounding slightly heartbroken from the side of the room.

“You can fuck yourself.”

“You’re no better than I am!”

“Hey! I may be an asshole, but at least I’m not racist or homophobic!”

“Fuck you!” Nick shouted, directed at Wilbur, who growled. The general had had enough.

“Children!” He sighed. “I am 63 years old, I have a wife and two kids, both of which who work here, I should not be putting up with your pettiness! Nick, you deserve the electric chair for what you did to John, and I know. I always know. Wilbur, we put you in that fucking realm and covered up your story as you died to prevent shit like this from happening! And Linda, you’re a selfish bitch.”

Linda gasped and nearly choked at Icacks’ words.

“You’re pretty fucking bold!” Wilbur snarled, but Icacks just rolled his eyes.

“Now all three of you, listen up. Nick, you’re going back into the holding realm. As is the same for you, Cross, and Linda? You’re getting therapy to work with your husband.”

“She doesn’t love Gerald! She loves me!” Wilbur argued, but Icacks was taking none of it. He clicked his fingers and the room fell from around Nick and Cross leaving Linda alone.

“You’re free to go,” he said, and she left, but things still weren’t the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my god the next chapter yall just are not ready for.


	34. I Missed You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's John's Birthday and Xander likes surprising his fiance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWs:  
none i'm letting them be happy.

After February 3rd, things seemed to get much better. Every day, John would come home smiling and see the familiar sense of warmth in Xander’s eyes. They’d hug and sometimes Xander would mutter half-sentences to John. They’d sit on the couch and discuss things the best they could. Xander would still cook. If John even dared to try and steal food from the kitchen while Xander was cooking or baking, John would get the death stare. Those were the looks John loved receiving. It proved that Xander was still human. It proved there was still light left for them.

Throughout March, things had gotten much better for the two of them. Xander started speaking a few more broken sentences occasionally, and it was always music to John’s ears when he did. Throughout April, things only further improved. Xander started seeing his therapist again and John began to see a real difference in his fiancé. He started working alongside Hidgens and Emma. He remembered the first time Xander came home after work. John was sat, noting things down. Xander sat down, eyebrows furrowed together, and he glared at John. He looked up. “Good evening sweetheart. How was work?” John asked, looking to Xander, who continued to glare. “What’s wrong?”

“Biologists.” Xander grumbled.

“Oh! You mean Emma and Hidgens?”

“Biologists.” Xander repeated, growling. John smiled and shook his head.

“What’s wrong with Biologists?!”

“Everything.” The physicist huffed. “Physics is best science.”

John tutted and shook his head. “I was never good at Physics, or Biology.”

“Chemistry?” Xander asked. John nodded. “Disgusting.”

John burst out laughing again and shook his head, moving closer to his fiancé. “You, Xander Lee, are the light of my life.”

“Chemistry is bad.”

“Chemistry isn’t bad at all, you’re just opinionated.”

“And Biology.” Xander offered a firm nod.

“What do you have against Biologists?”

“Plants.”

“Plants?”

“Useless.” He huffed again and John smiled, leaning against him.

“You aren’t useless.”

“No. You are.” And everything was okay.

And then after April came May. Xander had seemed to cheer up within the next 12 days from May 1st to May 12th. When John woke up on his birthday, Xander wasn’t there. John had shaken his head when he heard footsteps come up the stairs. He smiled when the door opened and Xander stood there. He watched his fiancé walked towards him and pull the covers back. “Get up.”

“Good morning to you, Xander.”

“Old man, get up.”

“Old man? I’m 35.” John rolled his eyes and got out of bed. Xander grabbed his arm and pulled him to the bathroom. He pointed at the shower. “Okay bossy.” He said and gently pushed Xander out, locking the door. He quickly showered and changed and met Xander back in the bedroom.

“PEIP.” He said and grabbed John’s hand, pulling him out the room. John laughed and let himself be dragged to the car, where he was sat in the passenger seat.

“And may I ask why I’m going to work on my birthday even though I specifically booked today off?” He asked Xander with a smile and was met with a shrug.

“Surprise.”

Schaffer had woken up at 4 AM to make sure this day was perfect for the General. She admired her best friend, she really did. Originally, he’d said he was coming in to work and she’d booked the day off for him so he couldn’t. John had accepted the offer, luckily, but it didn’t mean she knew he’d try to work anyways. It’s why she’d gathered a lot of people in to one room. There was a large bustle of noise until she stood on the table and stamped her foot. It soon drew people’s attention to the centre of the room. “Listen to me! It’s currently 7 AM! Xander is on his way over with John! Presents on the back table, people go through to that room back there! And no touching the alcohol!” She warned. Everyone scattered to get into position, except Elle and Jack, who were seated already. Jack had an arm around her, and she was buried in her leather jacket. Jack smiled at her.

“Your dad is old now, sweetheart.” He said and stroked her arm. Elle rolled her eyes.

“He’s always been old. He talks like someone from the 1800s.” She said and leaned against him. “I’m just really happy he’s in the position he’s in now. Cross is off the radar again, Xander is getting better and dad is strictly off alcohol, everything’s going right. And you know what Jack? We haven’t had a fight for ages. Our baby is working miracles.” She said and rested her hands on her stomach. “Four months. Possibly even three. In August or September, we get to meet this kid. We get to meet our beautiful baby.” She smiled up at him. “We made the right decision.”

“Yeah we did.” He said and kissed her hair. “And I like seeing you back in your old style. Leggings, turtleneck, jacket, dark lipstick. It screams you.”

“Oh, babe, I know.” She said. “It’s what I wore when I first joined PEIP. I just stopped for a little while during the crisis that is otherwise known as my life.”

Jack had laughed then when the door had opened. People fell silent as Schaffer jumped off the table. Xander had his hands around John’s eyes and pushed him in. John’s hair was now dry and brushed and he wore a white shirt. Over it was a long sleeve blue button up and he wore black jeans and his work boots. He kept his watch on his right wrist and he was smiling.

“Alright Xander, quit it. What’s going on?” John asked, crossing his arms. Xander uncovered his eyes and John opened them, looking around. Schaffer had her hands clasped behind her back, dressed in full uniform. She nodded to John, smiling.

“Happy birthday, sir.”

John had rolled his eyes. “For one day only, you can address me by my full name seeing as _somebody _wouldn’t let me work today, so if I can’t work, neither can you.” He said and sat down, not quite noticing everyone else in the room.

“Must I tell the others to come in now?” Schaffer sighed as Xander sat beside her. She walked to the other side of the room and called everyone else in. Xander wrapped his arm around John and watched everyone come in. Icacks and his family, Emma, Paul, Hidgens and a few other members of his team walked in and sat down in appropriate places. Elle had stood up and rushed to the back of the couch where John and Xander were sitting. This had been planned for a while. While John looked around the room, Elle leaned against the couch.

“Someone’s the life of the party.” She said casually. John turned his head around and grinned as he saw Elle. He pushed Xander’s arm off of him and ran around to the back of the couch, quickly hugging her. “Hey, dad.” She said and hugged back. “I missed you.”

“Look at you!” He said and pulled away, lifting the collar of her jacket up. She smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears. “You are glowing! How far along are you?”

“5 months, dad. I told you this yesterday.”

“His memory is flexible.” Icacks said, taking a sip of his coffee and Elle tilted her head in agreement. She took her seat beside her father on the couch and he smiled. Xander wrapped his arm back around John as he met eyes with Hidgens. He snarled softly and John looked at him.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?”

“Biologists.” He muttered.

“Yes, Physics can hardly be called a science, can it? It’s only putting 2 and 2 together.” Emma piped up, followed by a punch from Paul. John rolled his eyes.

“No fighting on my birthday!” He said. “So, before I start opening presents, me and Zee would like to make an announcement.”

“For fucks sake, I’m supposed to be the only one pregnant. Stop stealing my light.” Elle huffed sarcastically earning a chorus of laughter from the guests in the room.

“No, neither of us are pregnant…but we are getting married on September 27th 2020.” John smiled wide as he leaned against Xander, who’s arms wrapped more around him. Everyone cheered and while everyone was clapping, Xander kissed John’s temple.

“I love you, John.” He said and it took John by surprise. It was the first time he’d said it since last November, and it was also his first full sentence. He looked at Xander, eyes wide, trying to hold back tears. Xander only smiled. “Hey.” John had hugged Xander like there was no tomorrow.

* * *

When John and Xander got home, Xander sat them both on the bed. “John, it is your birthday.” He said in a childish manner. John smiled.

“It is my birthday.” He said and took Xander’s hands.

“And I’ll give you present now.” It was almost a perfect sentence. He could see his Xander shining through. Xander cupped John’s cheek and leaned in, kissing him softly. John hadn’t registered it for a few milliseconds. Xander hadn’t wanted any physical affection since whatever Wilbur had done to him, and he’d made the move. He was confident enough to kiss John. He was getting better. John smiled and draped his arms over Xander’s shoulders and let Xander knock him lying flat on the bed. They were together and everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact, my favourite science is chemistry but i remember biology better and i can not stand physics?? fuckin ironic. 
> 
> oh yeah. also the next two chapters are going to change this plot drastically, watch out.


	35. Monsters That Live In Your Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Xander confesses to John

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> TW:  
Semi-graphic description of assault  
Suicide attempt  
Scars  
Slutshaming  
(it's chapter 30 rewritten basically, but worse)
> 
> during the flashback, the italics are Xander speaking to John in present time, non-italics is the flashback.

Then things weren’t okay. Things got so much worse around August. Something happened on Xander’s birthday that stirred him up again. Full sentences turned back to broken speech again. It was a coping mechanism by now. It was his way of being able to keep himself stable. That had been the 7th August. Xander had taken them up to their room that night. He’d kissed John and stripped them both bare. He’d been on top. He’d taken control and Xander had to admit that it felt better that way.

But he couldn’t rid Wilbur’s touch from his mind.

On August 27th it was Jack’s birthday. He hadn’t gone around to their place that day. He felt dirty. He knew he would, but it was with John. He thought if it was with John, it would make everything better, but it didn’t. He wanted to enjoy what every other couple had. While John was out, he’d cried. When he got back, they dove straight back into wedding planning. Just finishing touches. Just simple decisions like the colour of the flowers on the centrepiece and such. The colour of the ribbons. The main colour scheme would be light blue and white. Xander had suggested it and John had agreed. There was a reason behind it, but he swore that he wouldn’t find out.

On September 8th, Elle’s daughter was born at 17:00 in the PM exactly. John wouldn’t stop gushing over his granddaughter. Xander hadn’t met her yet, but he’d seen pictures, and she was a beautiful baby. Xander just had no motivation to celebrate. He hated how John had to take care of him because he couldn’t pull through. John was buzzing with nerves and excitement. The wedding went from weeks away to days. The two were stressed.

* * *

On the 26th September 2020, the two had shared kisses and thoughts about what would be happening tomorrow. Neither had seen what the other was wearing. Neither had wanted to until the big day. This was the last night Xander was spending as Xander Lee. Tomorrow he’d be coming home as Xander McNamara. Tomorrow seemed so far away. Xander had been recovering, and now he was speaking in full sentences again even though his nerves were attacking his entire being. John had rolled over to face him. He took Xander’s hand. “You’re nervous.” He’d said. Xander had nodded, exhaling softly.

“I’m really nervous,” he admitted. “Tomorrow I become a part of this family, this wonderful, crazy family that I’ve wanted to be a part of for so long. You, Elle and Jack? You are the people I’ve wanted to have in a dream family. You’re my family. And I’ve never been accepted, and I found you guys and…” he felt tears in his eyes. He sniffed and went to wiping them away. “Sorry.”

“Hey. It’s okay.” John said turning Xander on his side, wrapping his arms around him. “It’s overwhelming huh? You’re taking my surname. You’re side of the family tree? The Lees? They’re gonna be gone. But I can tell it’ll be so much better for you. You’re gonna have a fresh start. You’re wanted here. I’m not leaving. I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.”

“You loved Nick…”

“But never as much as I love you.” He said and kissed Xander’s head. “You’ve never been married, but I can assure you, it’s a piece of metal sitting on your hand that shows our love for each other. We say our vows and-“

“I was at your wedding. I know how they work.” He said, moving John’s arms to a position that he preferred. “I just don’t wanna fuck up. I don’t wanna hurt you.”

“Have you hurt me yet?” John asked and watched him shake his head. “It’s unlikely that you will then. Xander, I’ve already put my trust in you. I put my faith in you a long long time ago. Now we’re getting married. From tomorrow onwards I can call you, Xander Lee, my husband. Doesn’t that sound amazing?” He said gently. He felt Xander shake while trying to suppress his sobs. John held him slightly tighter and continued to do so until he felt Xander go still, assuming it meant Xander had fallen asleep. John kissed his hair and shuffled away slightly to go to sleep.

But Xander Lee was anything but asleep.

After ensuring John had fallen asleep, he’d kicked back the covers and slowly left the room. He’d headed downstairs and eyed a certain cabinet. It was 2:35 on the clock. He just hoped it would be enough.

* * *

John found himself back in The Black and White that night via his dream. He could hear Cross’ laugh echoing around the area and John sighed. “What do you want, Wilbur? I’m getting married tomorrow; can’t you leave me alone?!”

“Because, John, we’re here to help!” Nick’s voice rang out. John crossed his arms and rolled his eyes.

“Then what do you want from me?!”

“Nothing!” Wilbur replied this time. “We just want to let you know…you should probably wake up and check on that Xander you’re so obsessed with.”

* * *

With that, John jolted awake. At 2:37 AM, John McNamara woke up alone in bed. This had become a more common occurrence as the weeks progressed. But waking up at 2:37 AM with a feeling of a thousand stones in John’s stomach was not a position he wanted to be in. Dread. Why was he feeling dread? There was nothing to dread…unless…no. Xander was recovering. John took his hair down and looked around, flicking on the light beside him. “He’s just in the bathroom,” he thought, to try and calm himself down. John continued thinking of logical reasons as to why Xander may not be there. He could have wanted some water or gone down to his lab. That would have had to have been it. He always went to his lab when he was stressed.

He sat himself up. Right now, he needed to see if Xander was okay. He got out of bed and heard the eery creek of the floorboards underneath the carpet. He walked out of the bedroom and flicked on the light in the hallways before he walked to the bathroom. He turned on the light, and when unsuccessful to see his husband, flicked it back off. Keeping the hall light on, he proceeded to leave the comfort of the upstairs floor and walked downstairs. He checked the living room, and with no avail as to see Xander, he kept the light on and made his way to the kitchen. When he switched the light on, he shielded his eyes from the bulb to see Xander with his back turned. When the light came on, he heard the clatter of something in the sink and the sound of soft sniffling. “Xander?” He asked. When no response came, he walked over to him and looked in the sink. Pills. There were pills in the sink. Xander gripped the edge of the sink tighter as fresh tears joined them after falling. John’s eyes widened and he checked the time on his watch. It was 2:47 AM and Wilbur Cross had warned him about his fiancé’s suicide attempt. “Sit down.”

“But-“

“Just sit down!” John said as he ran his hand through his hair. Xander didn’t argue and left the sink, sitting at the kitchen table. John grabbed a glass and filled it up with water. He chose to ignore the pills and set the glass down on the table. He took a seat beside Xander, putting a hand on his back. “Honey, you were doing so well…what went wrong?”

“On my birthday…” He admitted, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. “When me and you were in bed…I had control. I thought if I had control it would all be okay!”

“What do you mean?” He asked softly. He felt Xander tense and take shaking breaths.

“Before August, when was the last time we were intimate with each other. Properly.”

“Late December, early January…why?”

“I think it’s time I tell you what happened.”

“With who?”

“With Cross.” Xander met John’s eyes. John’s mouth hung open slightly and he blinked. Sure, he’d wanted to know what had gone on, but now he had to brace himself for the information.

“Oh…and you’re comfortable with-“

“Now or never.” Xander cut him off. “And I’ll start from the beginning.”

* * *

_It started when they shot Lex. The burst down the door and there was shouting. Lots of shouting. _

“I wanna talk to the physicist.” Wilbur said before Linda ran out the room. The door slammed behind her and the lock twisted into place. Xander’s mouth remained agape, unsure of what to do. Should he assist the wounded girl or remain still? He tried to move but found himself unable to do so. He heard Wilbur chuckled to himself. “Someone’s speechless.” He teased and remained still. “It’s not what you were like in bed last night, if I recall. Taking care of my baby boy?”

“He isn’t yours!” Xander tried to snap, but his voice appeared frail. It only pleased Wilbur more.

“Intimidated by me? Little old me, the raving lunatic of PEIP HF. Ah, yes. When I signed those forms all those years ago to complete my training, this is definitely what I wanted to go down in history as. A raving lunatic. And for what? My years of training a 17-year-old John McNamara didn’t pay off after all. He should be with me.”

“You’re toxic!”

“HE SHOULD BE WITH ME!” Wilbur roared as a beat began to tap on the walls. “He should be in my home with me. I have an entire life planned out for him. And what did he do? He grew a pair and left. He didn’t even remember me! But no. The little slut moved on to Nick. Nick Johnson, my new puppy. My new pet. He’s obedient. It’s not too late for John to be like that.”

“John won’t be like that!” Xander argued. He went to reach for his promise ring, his _engagement _ring only to feel his hand blank of any metal. He looked down to his hands and then up to Wilbur, who was examining the band in his fingers.

_He’d held the ring up in front of me. He’d mocked me with it. _

“I wonder what this could be. A promise ring? Why would John promise his life to you?!” Cross took a long stride toward the desk and Xander bolted up. Cross smiled. “Now I see why. He’s always liked the skittish type. He’s always liked to chase after the unfaithful.” He stepped around the desk as Xander backed into the wall.

_And he walked over to me, and he pressed himself against me. There was smoke and green lights and all I could smell were these horrible scents. My pulse was in my ears and with Wilbur growling…when he kissed me, I kissed back and John, I swear on my life I didn’t mean to. But he kissed me, and I kissed back, and I’ve never forgiven myself for it. And while he kissed me, he kept his chest pressed against me and he threw his jacket to the floor. When he got off me, I tried to run. But he grabbed my collar. _

“Oh no, kitten. You’re staying here.” He said as he bunched the material in one of his hands. With the other, he slid it up Xander’s shirt and Xander squirmed under the man’s cold touch. The black denim was torn away from him. He’d chosen to wear the lazier option of the uniform instead of his usual leather jacket mix. His lab coat was hung up in his office. This wasn’t going to end well.

_And he kissed me again. _

Wilbur continued to leave harsh bites along Xander’s neck, dark marks quick to appear on the blank canvas that was Xander’s skin. Xander flinched as tears filled his eyes. He was knocked back to reality soon after, but it was already too late.

_And I tried to stop him, but I was powerless against him. And I just kept thinking of you. _

When Xander began to call for help through his sobs, Wilbur ripped his clothes away and knocked him against the walls, a crack appearing. He kept Xander pinned there and kissed him harsher, biting down on Xander’s tongue. He felt the ripple of Xander’s screams and it got him more riled up. Wilbur didn’t wait for consent. He just let it happen.

_And I waited. It’s the worst pain I’ve ever felt. It was like…a million knives all lit on fire all inside me, forcing themselves in and out constantly. And it went on for….thirty minutes? Forty? It was hard to tell. When he pushed me to the floor, all I could taste was blood. He kicked me and threw my clothes at me and he spat on me. He called me scum. He said he did it to get you back. And then he left. I didn’t stop shaking. And he cut me with his fingernails. Two lines all over my body. A cross. He left fucking crosses on my body to remind me. And the scars haven’t healed. I just wear makeup to cover them up and…when you came in, he’d literally ripped up my clothes. It’s why I only wear my jacket now. And when you came back you held me close and I thought it was over. Then the flashbacks started. The 3 AM breakdowns, the panic attacks got worse…and when _ _me and you were in bed…I had control. I thought if I had control it would all be okay!”_

* * *

John listened closely and hugged him tight when he finished. He couldn’t begin to imagine what Xander had been through. Wilbur had always gone easy on John, but he could tell his intention was to hurt him. “Nick kissed me the same day. While I was gone, he’d sang a song to me and he’d got me to kiss him. It was against my will, so I’m not holding you down for kissing Wilbur. It wouldn’t have been your fault. And I know we can’t do anything about it now, but we can focus on getting you better. Tomorrow…actually later on today we get married. We can try to put all of this in the past and focus on our family. We’ll do anything you want today. But for now, for now and only now, you drink this glass of water, I’ll clear up the sink. I’m here for you, Xander.”

“I know.”

“And I’m proud of you.” He added, stroking his hair. “I’m proud of you for telling me. I know how hard it is to speak up and you did. It took months and months, but it’s hard. I get it. I wasn’t planning on speaking up when Nick hurt me. It was just chance Elle and Schaffer were there with me. So Xander, you’re a survivor. You may not feel like it, but you are. And god damn am I proud of you. I’m not leaving, and you must be insane if you think I am. Xander Lee, you’re the pride of my life and without you I’m nothing. So, drink this water, we’re going to bed after this. I’m waking up early to go to Schaffer’s. I want you changed and at the venue by 9 okay?” He watched a small smile creep on to Xander’s face. “That’s the man I love. And take the right amount of meds-“

“Okay okay.” Xander said and pulled away to look at John. “Okay.” He reached for the water and drank it slowly as John cleared up behind him. Xander knew he was safe now. Wilbur couldn’t touch him for Icacks was on standby if he did. He had a family who wanted him alive. He had his granddaughter, who he had yet to meet, he had Elle and Jack and John. He had the best job in the world, even if it now meant he had to work alongside Biologists. He had plans for the future. He’d work and work and they’d go on a honeymoon some place sunny. He’d continue with therapy and he’d make his biological family proud. He’d make John proud. It was the 27th September and now, everything was okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *faint muffled music in the walls* DO YOU REMEMBER THE TWENNYFIRSTNIGHT OF S E P T E M B E R
> 
> (i'm pretty sure this book as of this chapter has the same wordcount as SYPF/Book 1)


	36. What If Tomorrow Comes?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's the mcnamander wedding and it is pure fluff

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW;  
talk about Xander's suicide attempt but that is IT.

And that was it. At 7 AM John McNamara got out of bed. He took a picture of Xander as he slept and chose to ignore what had happened at 2:37 that morning. Xander was smiling in his sleep, a sight he’d missed waking up to. John couldn’t stay for long, so he ended up grabbing his suit and went to leave. He paused when he saw Xander and smiled again. Everything would be perfect. They knew it would be. This was his future lying in his bed, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. Everything would be okay.

* * *

Schaffer opened the door with a smile when she heard the doorbell ring. She leaned against it. “General John McNamara.”

“Colonel Felicity Schaffer AKA my best man, mind if I can come inside so I can change?” he grinned.

“Of course!” She said, stepping to the side. “Elle and Jack are upstairs dealing with the baby. They’re trying to get her changed, it’s a bit of a mess, I’ll admit.”

John shook his head. “Tell them I want them down here in 10.” He said and headed to the downstairs bathroom to change. A few moments later, he could hear the noise of Jack and Elle bickering over something stupid as well as a baby’s babble that followed. He’d just finished changing and getting ready, so he folded his jacket over his arm and walked out. “Children! Children! Calm down.” He said, drawing the attention of the two. Elle smiled wide and ran towards him.

“You’re finally getting married.” She said, snuggling into his chest. He smiled, wrapping his arms around her. She was dressed in a light blue dress, whereas Schaffer was dressed in a navy suit. John had chosen to wear a blue suit, slightly lighter than navy, but somewhere around there.

“Be quiet, Eleanor, you know not to discuss this with me.” He said and pushed away. “And how’s Amber?” He asked as he held his hands out for the baby. Elle huffed.

“She’s kept us up all night. She’d adorable, but she’s got some terrible lungs. Luckily, makeup exists so you can’t tell!”

John peered down at his granddaughter and smiled. “Hello, Amber McNamara. I’m your grandfather. I’m John and I hope you’ll be as smart as your mother and father.”

“Dad…” Elle laughed. “You’ve gotta let her breathe! Come on! She’ll grow up and she’ll be her own person. Neither of us can stop her from being that.” She said and took Amber away from John, kissing her daughter’s head. “Jack! Come collect your child!”

“She’s your child too, Elle.” He sighed and walked over, kissing Elle’s cheek. “And we have an hour and a half before we need to move, so why don’t we kick back and relax?”

“I’m having to agree with your boyfriend, Elle. Relaxing seems like a fine thing to do right now.” John said and sat on Schaffer’s couch. Schaffer sat beside him. “Zee opened up last night. About the Cross incident.”

“He did?” Schaffer asked softly. “And was it what we thought it was?” John nodded slowly. “So, he had gotten assaulted.”

“Big time.” He heard Schaffer sigh sympathetically. “But it’s more than that. It isn’t my time or place to say. So, until I have to be at my own wedding, I will be sitting on this couch watching the news.”

“The news? You fucking dork!” Schaffer said, punching his arm as she grabbed the remote from him. “My TV, my rules, and that means that the news is permanently banned.”

“You, ma’am, are a hypocrite.”

“Silence yourself, General.” And everyone was okay in that moment.”

* * *

Paul had been awake earlier than Emma had. When Emma had woken up, she’d put on her dress and lazily done her makeup and checked for her purse. “Shit. Paul!” She called as she rushed down the stairs.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“I forgot my bag at work yesterday! I need to make a quick pit stop on the way! I’ll get us coffee for free!”

“You forgot your bag?” He laughed.

“This is a serious fuckin matter! Do you want to be late to John’s wedding?!”

“No!”

“Then move your ass! He’s my General now! I need to make a good impression! But my bag is at Beanies-“

“Why is your bag at Beanies if you don’t work there anymore?!”

“I work part time! I told you! Me and Hidgens cover half shifts at PEIP! Hidge does half, I do half! Now move your ass! I’ve gotta-“

“Hey.” Paul smiled. “Emma, you’re gonna be okay, Me and John have backstory from The Apotheosis okay? You’re gonna be okay.” He said and kissed her hair as he stood up. “And you look beautiful.”

“SIMP!” Emma shouted and walked out the house, followed by Paul’s laughter. She got in the front and buckled in, waiting for Paul to start driving. He soon got in.

“Think we can make it in half an hour?” He asked and raised his eyebrow.

“We better.” She said, leaning over and kissing him softly. “Now drive, Paul Matthews! Onwards!” Paul laughed and started the car, quickly driving over to Beanies. He parked outside the store and Emma hopped out. “I’ll be seconds!” She said and ran inside. She ran behind the counter and grabbed her bag from the backroom to hear a cough from the front.

“Miss! I’ve got an order!”

“I’m off work!” Emma bit back and put her bag under the counter as she got to making her’s and Paul’s coffee.

“You’re making coffee?”

“For me and my boyfriend.”

“Miss, I’m in a hurry. I’ve got to be at some stupid fucking wedding my boyfriend is dragging me to. My brother is gonna be there and it starts in a half hour. My boyfriend is gonna be pissed!”

Emma paused and looked at the guy. He was dressed in a long beige coat on top of a white polo and black dress trousers. He had long dirty-blonde hair and distinct blue eyes. “Do you know a certain General Gareth Icacks?” She asked. By the roll of the eyes that the customer gave, she knew he did. “How do you know the General?”

The man in a hurry sighed. “He’s my older brother. By 20 years. He was born when our mother was 16. He’s 63. I am 43.”

“And the wedding you are going to is General John McNamara’s? And Xander Lee’s?”

“That…would be correct.” He said and pursed his lips.

“I’ll give you free coffee if you tell me why you’re going.” Emma smirked. The man huffed, getting frustrated.

“My boyfriend was the one invited, I’m the plus one. He’s going because he’s the one who dealt with John’s divorce the first time round and since then they’ve stayed in touch.”

“Your boyfriend’s a lawyer?” Emma asked as she took the coffee off the machine and started on Paul’s.

“Gary Goldstein.” He admitted.

“You’re fucking Goldstein!” She laughed. “Can’t believe that dweeb got pegged! I know Goldstein!” She grinned. “Didn’t he fuck Linda?-“

“Okay, moving on, yes that happened, we chose to ignore it.”

“This is golden!” She smiled. “What’s your name?”

Another short pause. “Michael Icacks.” He said and pulled his coat tighter over him.

“Nice to meet you, Michael. I’m Emma.” Michael didn’t reply but nodded. The bell chimed another customer. Neither of the two looked up until they heard a sigh.

“It’s been longer than two minutes, Micah.” The whiny voice spoke up and only then both looked up, Michael was red in the face at the nickname as he watched the man walk over. “For someone who’s constantly in a hurry, you seem to be taking your time today.” He looked to the machine. “Hey Emma.”

“Hey Goldstein.” She smiled and started on the coffee. “You’re going to McNamara’s wedding, aren’t you?”

“Oh yes!” Gary smiled as he wrapped his arms around Michael to much protest. “I’m going to John McNamara’s wedding! It’s so exciting to see him marry the man he loves after Nick.” He looked at Emma. “Are you going?”

“Oh yeah. Me and McNamara? We have history. He assisted me and my boyfriend a lot during The Apotheosis.”

“Uh…what’s The Apotheosis?” Michael asked as he finally pushed his boyfriend off of him.

“You don’t need to know. That information is classified by PEIP.”

“What’s PEIP?” Gary asked and was met by an elbow to the side by his boyfriend.

“My brother used to be the General.”

“And now I work there! As a Biologist! I half and half with Henry Hidgens as to not piss Xander off. He hates Biologists, but I’m an exception? I don’t know, it’s very confusing.” She put the coffee on the counter. “Free of charge. Now I’ve got to go.” She said and left with hers and Paul’s coffee, only to burst back through the doors moments later, Paul’s laughter echoing down the street. “Paul Matthews I’m gonna kill your ass!” She shouted and got her bag from under the counter as Paul fell out of his car and on to the street. “It isn’t funny!”

“You came here- to-to get your bag and you fucking forgot it!” He wheezed and clutched his chest.

“Yeah yeah, funs over, we’ve got a wedding to attend. Let’s go.” She said and got back in the car as Michael and Gary left the store.

“Wait? Was that-“

“Goldstein? Yeah. And guess who that guy is next to him.”

“Who?”

“Michael Icacks. The General’s younger brother who is also Goldstein’s boyfriend.”

“Goldstein got pegged?!”

“That’s exactly what I said!” She smiled, sipping on her coffee. Paul started the car, and drove over to the hall, where Xander Lee stood waiting inside.

* * *

Xander Lee had never been more anxious in his entire life, which said quite a lot for someone with diagnosed anxiety. He felt like a weight had been lifted since his talk with John in the early hours of the morning. He felt better, more alive. He was glad John had woken up when he did. He looked around the hall. There were blue and white ribbons hung on the walls with blue and white confetti down the aisle. The benches were starting to fill up. He saw a few distant members of his family there, the ones who actually cared about him, and some he could only assume were from John’s. He saw Sam and Charlotte and all the people John assisted in The Apotheosis in dimension 1. There were the Icacks family as well as Paul and Emma. But there was one face that stood out in the crowd. He didn’t belong here. He was a big deal. He didn’t belong at a wedding like his and John’s, yet he was here. Xander hadn’t remembered sending out an invitation to the man, and he didn’t think John would do that. This man couldn’t have his time wasted, so why was he here? The man looked at Xander and smiled, walking over to him. “Hi.” The man said and offered his hand to Xander, who took it reluctantly.

“President Goodman…what are you doing here?” Xander asked as he shook his hand.

“Word got around to me that the guy who saved my life on Black Friday in 2018 was getting married today. I thought I’d be here to commemorate him, as any sane person would.” He smiled. “I’ll sit at the back! Don’t worry! I just want this to be a way of me saying thank you to John. And congratulations for today, Lieutenant.”

“You know my rank…?”

“John talked about you a lot on the way over from the oval office to PEIP on Black Friday.”

Xander couldn’t help but smile then as he pulled his hand away to see Jack running down the aisle. “Hey Zee!” He grinned. “They’ll be five minutes. Elle’s having a crisis over her hair and John started crying before we even left the house.”

“Oh god.” Xander said as his eyes widened. “I’m actually getting married, aren’t I? I’m getting married right now in front of all these people and-“

“Xander, if you think John’s gonna show you up at your own wedding, you’re insane. He’s literally sobbing over you and-“ he coughed to imitate John. “He’s just so perfect Felicity! He’s just so fucking perfect!” Jack dramatically fell to his knees and Xander smiled.

“Jack, get up, you’re gonna ruin your suit and Elle’s gonna kill you.”

“Shit.” He said and Xander smiled slightly wider. Jack jumped up and stood behind Xander. “I love you, Zee.”

“I love you too, son.” He said as the door’s opened. Everyone rose from their seats and Xander brushed his white suit down purely out of nerves. The music started and he watched Elle and Schaffer walk down the aisle before John did. Xander’s smile dropped when he saw John. Time stood still. He was marrying that man. The man in the blue suit. That was who he was marrying. Tears filled Xander’s eyes when John approached him, smiling.

“You okay?” He asked and Xander nodded.

“I’m better than okay.” He laughed tearfully and John took his hands. Xander didn’t stop crying when he had to recite his vows, and neither did John. Then it got to the end and John grabbed Xander’s tie.

“I’ve waited since 2007 to do this. Now kiss me, coward.” He said.

“You don’t need to ask me twice.” Xander said and kissed John, smiling through the kiss. Cheers erupted from around them as the two secured their marriage. When they pulled away, they both laughed and Xander held John in a tight hug.

“Xander McNamara.”

“John McNamara.” He said. “The President is at our wedding.”

“What the fuck?!” He asked and looked around. “Hoooly fuck my boss just saw me kiss you and-hoooly fuck what’s he doing here?! I didn’t invite him here!”

“Me either! He just showed up as a thank you for you saving him on Black Friday. A lot of people are here because of you.”

“I should hope so. It’s my wedding.” He said and lifted Xander up. “You look sexy in white.” He said and kissed him as he ran out of the hall.

“John McNamara you fucking bastard! Holy shit! John put me down- put me down!” Xander shouted as he was carried out. John only set him down when he was outside. Xander clutched his chest and gently punched John, causing him to laugh. “That wasn’t fucking funny.”

“Come on, let’s go party.”

* * *

“So, Mr McNamara, you’re married now.” Icacks said as he shook John’s hand. “I did warn you all those years ago that marriage ruins your life.”

“And it did the first time round. Luckily, you’ve banished them to TBAW so we have our freedom. It’s only me and Xander against the world now.” John smiled and waved at his husband, who waved back. Icacks smiled.

“John, I’d like you to meet my younger brother, Micah.”

“Shut the fuck up, Gareth.” Michael sighed as Icacks grabbed his shoulders and pulled him toward the scene. “Oh. You’re the bastard my boyfriend dragged me here because he was your lawyer.”

“I’m sorry Goldstein got pegged?” Icacks asked, and was met with a strong elbow to the stomach. “Micah, I used to be the General of the United States military, I would fucking watch it if I were you.”

John laughed loudly. “Guys don’t fight! It’s my wedding day! Micah, it was nice to meet you.”

“My name is Michael.”

“And it was good to see you again, sir. I’m glad everything worked out.”

“I’m glad too. Now go join Xander.” Icacks paused. “I’m proud of you, son.”

John beamed and walked away, only to hear Micah say, “you’re never proud of me,” to his older brother. It didn’t matter. This was the best day of John’s life, and nothing was going wrong. Everything was all okay.

* * *

Surprisingly, John hadn’t touched alcohol all night. He’d kept sober, which is what they’d wanted. Elle, Jack, baby Amber, Schaffer, John and Xander shared the main table as everyone else drank and ate and partied. John was leant against Xander’s shoulder, saying quiet things under his breath. Xander didn’t want to let him go, but he had to. After the music cut off, Xander stood up and cleared his throat. “Ladies and gentlemen, if I could have your attention momentarily.” He said.

“Xander McNamara, what are you doing?” John asked and Xander smiled.

“Stop finding excuses to say my full name now.”

“But it suits you.”

“So ignoring my husband as he tries to distract me…” he paused to pat John’s head. “I’d just like to say a few words. Firstly, thank you all for coming. There are some faces I hadn’t expected to see today such as President Goodman, but also Michael Icacks and many other people who I haven’t seen since The Apotheosis which happened in a previous dimension. Obviously I can’t really speak much about it, but I’m glad you accepted the invitation as well. Secondly, thank you to my family for showing up to celebrate their son for the first time in my life, can we get a round of applause for my mother and father.” He pulled away and let the clapping die down. “Thirdly, John doesn’t know how important he is to me. He’s so important to me that I chose the colour scheme of blue and white to remind me that, when I look back on these photos in years to come, I see the colour of his eyes as distinctly as I did the day I met him, which was when I joined the force in 2007 shortly after his mentor went missing and Colonel Schaffer to my left was a massive help. She showed me around and helped me get on my feet. And then I met John and we hit it off as friends. The first time I went to a wedding was actually his wedding and we all know how that ended. But he saved my life at 2:37 AM this morning.” There were some whispers and Xander took a breath. “I was planning to take my own life as my thoughts swarmed me. I hadn’t been able to speak about it until now. I’ll tell others in my own time, but John McNamara saved my life in a physical manner, and for that I will always be grateful. And I’m honoured to call myself his husband.” He said and sat back down as people cheered. He could hear John sniffling beside him

“Sap.” John said as he wiped his eyes.

“Himbo.”

“Shut up.” He laughed. “Ready for our first dance?”

“Always.” He stood up and headed to the dancefloor. John nodded as the song began to play. John made sure to hold Xander gently as they danced together. Neither of them could dance too well, so it was a mess of tearful laughter, but they sang and they danced to the song. They both looked each other in the eyes as they sang. People cheered for them by the end of it. But then the lights came up and there was a smoke that filled the room. Xander saw it first and gripped John tight. “John…what’s going on?” He asked, his voice breaking in fear.

“I don’t know…” he said and held him tight.

“You thought it was over?” A familiar voice said from the doorway. People turned to face him and saw who it was immediately.

“Oh, for fucks sake.” John sighed and Xander tensed up. “Xander-Xander it’s okay. Zee come on-come on it’s alright, listen to me!”’

“Oh, he can’t.” A smaller female voice said. “Paralyzed in fear.” The smoke began to clear to reveal one man with black hair dressed in a black suit. The girl had platinum blonde hair and wore a long black dress with a matching cape. However, the man in front had his auburn hair slicked back and wore a denim vest with denim jeans and heavy brown boots. His denim jacket was bloodstained, just like the man’s cheek, and he was looking directly at John. His eyes glowed green as his face twisted into an unnerving smile.

“Surprise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hahaahahaha sike.  
-  
The "Something You Pine For" series returns some time this year idfk with boOK 3.

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed book 2 gamers, knowing me, I will be crying throughout this book. So by the power of (f)lex foster, I grant you a free pass to slap me.  
-  
One big sike except it's part 2 with chapter titles from Black Friday and Starry  
-  
nobody is safe.


End file.
